Chapter 39: Chapter 39
This, was the life she always wanted?
This, was the life she always craved?
Sara wondered, thinking back about her dull days in the tower, about her lonely nights in the shack, she was sad, she was lonely, but she was safe, not to mention she had hope.
She hoped her father would visit, and one day he would change his mind.
Back then, she had hope, and it was all it took for her to suck up to that life of hers.
The life she would give anything to go back to!
But she knew, deep inside her, that all hope was lost, that even if she managed to get out of this place alive, which was impossible, her life before Eren won’t be there.
That life was but ashes now, she knew, thinking back about her father.
She begged and begged, but he didn’t open the door.
He left her to the monsters.
One monster, one beautiful lying monster.
Sara’s eyes never left the door, she was watching it like a little rabbit trapped in a cave with a sleeping wolf, afraid that the wolf might wake up hungry, that he might return, that he might try to…
Gasping, she pulled the covers tighter to her body, sensing her nudity and vulnerability under them. Vulnerable, that is what she felt, exposed to the hangry eyes and vicious hands, she felt trapped, not only with space but with anticipation, with the fear of the inescapable reality that someone would walk in and finish what was left of her.
What was left of her? Sara asked as she raised her head to the dark roof, her eyes leaving the door for the first time, for she had surrendered.
There was nothing left her!
As a lone tear escaped her swollen eyes, she wondered what was the unforgivable mistake she committed for her to deserve this? Her mother, her father, her ancestors, she had nothing to do with any of their actions! she was but a pawn, always been a pawn, one which was moved here and there without any saying about anything! But then, why was she the one suffering the consequences?
It wasn’t just the physical pain anymore, it was the fear of being violated, the fear of having that small part of her taken away, not just her virginity, but her integrity, the physical pain was horrible, true, but the pain of being almost violated, it felt as if someone had seeped inside her, breached all her barriers and then stabbed her where it hurts the most.
She felt as if she wasn’t whole anymore, as if she wasn’t safe under her own skin.
And to have the man whom she loved with all her heart do that to her only made things ten folds worse.
A ghost of a smile spread on her face but there was nothing happy nor humorous about it, it was a dead girl’s smile, one that had lost all hopes.
None of the things he said made any sense, not anymore, all the voices mixed up inside her head as she looked around her, to the darkness, the darkroom, the dark walls, the dark floor, the dark furniture, the dark covers, the dark roof, the dark curtains, everything around her was dark.
The path in front of her was also dark, and in the darkness, a pit was waiting to swallow her, into more pain and suffering.
All her mind could think of was the lie she had fallen for, like the desperate, love craving stupid girl she was until she ended up in that nightmare she was in, a nightmare that wasn’t going to end!
Unless, the smile on her face widened as she stared at the glass sitting peacefully on the nightstand.
He was completely fucked! Eren thought as he walked away from Gera’s room, unable to listen to her muffled sobs any longer.
He wanted to stay, he really did, he wanted to comfort his friend and make her feel better about what happened but he couldn’t, for he was in no state to comfort anyone as he himself needed comfort.
It was one of those moments when he was too tired of taking all the burdens on his shoulders, by himself and just needed some space to rearrange his thoughts and calm himself, calm his bloodthirst, regain his composure, before he ruins anything else.
Everything was just too much, and the best part was, there was more to come.
Things were not going to get any easier, and here he was, at the beginning of the road, exhausted, tired, and lost.
Geraldine was always there for him, comforting him with her body, and so was Joseph, comforting him with his puzzling wisdom, but this time, it was none of their comforts he was seeking.
He just needed this nightmare to end, this endless struggle in which he had to be his lover’s executioner, where he had to hurt her and with every lash, he was hurting himself.
Eren wished he can share his pain with anyone, he wished someone can understand him, the place he was standing, without judging him, without telling him what he already knows and without asking him to make the impossible choice.
On one hand, the love he had for the girl who changed him, who breathed life back into him and pulled him out of madness, and on the other hand, his duty towards his people and his empire.
As a hybrid, Eren was perfectly able to live in the human lands, as long as he kept himself fed and his secret hidden, but what about the others? What about the thousands of families in the edges who couldn’t step into the human lands during daylight? What would happen to them with the dark cloud approaching and intensifying each passing day?
He felt as if he was in the middle of two rivals, each tying him from one wrist and pulling hard, on one side was the duty, on the other was the love.
And duty and love were never the two to live together!
Love was the death of duty and duty was the death of love, and Eren feared that he would have to pull the handle to one of their nooses sooner then he thought.
Closing his eyes, Eren took a deep breath, readying himself to meet the girl he left in his room, the one he nearly violated, a part of him, the coward part, wished that she would be asleep, for he wasn’t ready to face those blaming eyes of hers just yet, probably never to be precise, but the other part of him, alerted him, for he was smelling blood.
Delicious blood.
With a loud thud, Eren pushed the door open and scanned the room with his red eyes, all his senses sharp and ready like a threatened wolf whose female was endangered, the smell of blood, her blood, intensified, there was no sign of any intruders, and the girl was still laying on his bed, motionless.
Running toward the bed, Eren jumped beside the motionless girl, pale like death, black circles around her eyes while her lips looked terrifyingly blue.
“Sara!” he whispered, petrified, not knowing what happened to her to look the way she did, there was no sign nor smell of any intruders, only hers and his.
And then, Eren’s face paled as he stared at the broken glass, pulling the covers over her body, he saw the two hideous, bleeding slashes on her delicate wrists.
She had cut her veins!
While one part of him was panicking, same as he did in front of his mother’s bloodied body who refused to wake up no matter how hard he called out for her, another part, the one which had been tamed and trained by his multiple life experiences, quickly took action as he checked her breathing and pulse.
The pulse was barely there, but she wasn’t breathing.
Taking a proper position next to her, Eren quickly adjusted her head, opening her mouth, he reclaimed it with his, but this time it was to breathe life into it, over and over again, his heart and mind were fretting like a little child, too scared to lose her, he breathed all the air he had in his lungs inside her, not caring about his burning throat.
Not while hers lacked life, not while hers was that dry, he thought to himself.
He wasn’t going to lose her! he wasn’t going to let her walk away!
She was his, his joy, his love, his light!
And for their fate to be this cruel, for life to make him do the things he did for her!
Why? Why were things so hard for both of them? Why was life so unfair?
Releasing his shadows to use them as extra hands while his actual ones where busy pressing on her chest or holding her head still, he swirled them around her slashed wrists like bandages in order to stop the bleeding, and even though it didn’t take more than a minute to make her breathe again, he felt as if he was stuck into that minute for all eternity.
He was scared, regretting, ashamed, broken, angry, devasted, all at once, and when she breathed again between his lips, he felt as if it was his, the first breath he had in ages.
Taking her face between his hands, Eren placed his forehead on hers, allowing himself a second of relief and rejoice, allowing himself to breathe, to let out all the fear he had felt when he thought he had lost her, raising his face, he looked at her pale one, she was breathing, she was alive, she was beautiful, and she was, hot?
Eren thought as he noticed her increasing temperature, not a second ago she was cold like death but now her temperature was that of someone with a fever.
Eren didn’t know what to do, for he had thought she was okay, studying her face with a terrified one, he noticed how her newly restored breathing was now ragged, her face grimaced and detoured in pain.
“Sara?” calling her lightly, Eren tried to wake her up but no conscious answer came out of her, she was inside her own world of pain, fever, and judging by her eyes that moved frantically behind her closed eyelids, a world of nightmares as well.
“I am so sorry, my fair lady.” Eren breathed in front of her lips, standing up, he headed to his bathroom only to come back with a bowl of icy water and a few bandages and disinfectants.
Taking her first wrist in his. He licked the wound clean, the taste of her blood making his head dizzy with ecstasy as sparks erupted inside of him, ignoring the addictive taste, he licked her other wrist and then started working on the wounds.
Cleaning then dressing the wounds, he walked toward his closet, none of the clothes he had were going to fit her, even though he wasn’t ridiculously buffed or bulky, he was still much larger than her, sighing, he picked a long cotton shirt, testing its weight and softness between his fingers, he nodded approvingly then walked back to the bed.
Dipping the towel in the icy water, he squeezed the extra water before he began to wipe her entire body, focusing on her neck, stomach, and feet, all while fighting the urge of kissing every part of her, her body flinched at the sudden contact, for her skin was too hot compared to the cold wet towel.
Like the sun, and he, like a kid playing in a lake under its rays.
Once he wiped her entire body, he slipped the shirt over her head, carefully and very gently, not that she was going to wake up, the blood loss, as well as the fever she was suffering, weren’t going to let her regain her consciousness any time soon.
He just didn’t want to hurt her, not after this time, not ever, he knew it was going to be a long ride to fix her, to bring her back from the pit of despair he had pushed her into, he knew some of the scars were not going to heal, and that she might never forgive him, ever.
But he was still willing to try.
Setting her in a comfortable position, Eren placed extra pillows behind her back and neck so she was in a semi-sitting position, and with the cup of cold water in hand, he started taking small sips, only to transfer them into her mouth.
Her throat was dry, and she needed the water which he had mixed with some medicines to fight the fever, he knew it was the only way for her to be able to swallow the few drops in such an unconscious state, and he was actually very happy with that fact for it gave him a reason to touch her lips with his without the mental torture of kissing her without her consent.
He was just feeding her, he told himself, it was all for her sake, and the ecstatic feeling he was having was but an unescapable side effect.
He was a jerk, he knew it, a jerk who was very deeply in love.