Chapter 37: Chapter 37

A HARD YEAR

The autumn was cool and promised a freezing winter and so it happened. When November came, it started snowing incessantly. When the snow was knee high, it grew bitterly cold.

The children of the castle still built snowmen and had snowball fights. Once half the castle got into one of those battles and suddenly it was everyone against everyone. No one was spared. Not the lady of the castle, not the lord of the castle. And neither of them wanted it any other way.

Arin seemed to thrive in winter. Not a day went by that he didn't hatch a prank and somehow always got into trouble with his brothers. Every day, he threw snowballs at people in the castle through windows. Soon not only were the people wet and angry, but the floor of the castle was frozen and slippery.

Again and again Ben grabbed him and brought him to Avan or took him through the wringer. Whereby Avan simply ignored it with a laugh. It wasn't until Arin set his sights on Eldonaro in particular that Avan got serious.

"If I hear again that you're bothering guests, you won't see the sun again until the snow has melted."

Avan's horse did not survive the clinking December. It died of old age. Avan was beside himself, angry and completely degenerated. Didn't shave, work, eat or drink anymore, and nobody could stand around him for long. He was a tyrant.

I was so angry that I just ignored him and walked out of the way. Until Eric took me aside and explained to me:

"It was father's horse before he died. And since Avan probably never really had time to mourn, he probably does now that the only thing that kept father alive has died. At least for Avan."

With a terrible feeling of guilt, I didn't leave his side. Until one night I found him crying terribly in a small garden with a Celtic gate.

He was ashamed and asked me to leave, but I stayed and cried with him. So we mourned for the next half year, until summer came again and Arin called Avan into the stable. His brothers had saved and bought him a horse.

In fact, the first harvest of his field was what changed Avan's mood. He knelt in his work, helped in the fields and almost worked himself to death.

As he tasted bread made from his own wheat, he smiled again for the first time and looked at me.

Since then, his mood has improved day by day. I received a letter almost every other week for this. It was like the first time, and I had to remind myself not to let Avan see it. But when he slowly became his old self again, he realized that something was wrong and didn't leave my side for it. Just like I did for him for half a year.

Finally, one day, Avan found the letters in the chest under my winter coat. When I came into our room in the evening, he looked at me sharply for a long time.

"Everything OK?"

"You tell me."

I frowned. "What's happening?"

He jerked his chin on the lid of the chest on which the letters lay. "What does your sister want from you so often?"

"Have you read them...?"

"I've seen the sender and I don't need to read the letters to know they're hideous." He looked down for a moment. "I just don't know why you're not telling me."

It was all over now anyway. So I put the cards on the table. "Out of fear."

"Fear? I thought I told you a long time ago that I wouldn't hit you. So what are you afraid of?"

"Something much worse."

"Namely?"

"That you're disappointed in me."

Avan stared at me blankly. "How do you come up with something like that? Does your sister text you like that?"

When I didn't answer he nodded angrily.

"I didn't want to draw your attention to something that didn't really seem important to you until now."

Avan huffed. "And that would be?"

I felt the familiar lump in my throat.

"A child."

"A..." He broke off and continued to stare at me blankly. I shuddered. In fact, it was only now that he really noticed.

"My sister wrote in her first letter back then that everyone at home is surprised that I'm not expecting a child yet. Every letter becomes more urgent and again and again she asks the question of all questions."

Avan's eyebrow rose.

"Well... maybe I can't have children... Then you would be disappointed. What woman fails to bear her husband an heir?"

Avan suddenly seemed to seethe and hit the wall next to him. With a few steps he was with me and gently put a hand on my cheek.

"And you're going to keep that a secret from me for a year?"

"Sorry. I..." Suddenly my voice cracked and all the dams broke... Soon his hand was as wet as my cheeks.

"Oh, Bea… But we've been too stressed to even think about that."

"But then it has to be successful..."

"I'm not so sure about that. Please do not worry. I'm not disappointed. Don't cry anymore..."

His strong arms wrapped around me and pressed me to his strong chest. He stood there with me wrapped around him for a long time, waiting for me to let out everything that had been dammed up for so long and then poured wine into a goblet for me.

He said we would now seriously try to father a child if it was important to me, not Sonia. Or Lanett.

So we tried for five long years. Without success. I was firmly convinced that it was me. Of course, the letters never stopped, they became more and more mean and hateful. Especially when she had children of her own. sons...

During the five years, Avan had a mill built and cultivated a few more fields. Plus some cattle.

The older the three boys got, the more they laid with Avan. Fights and arguments broke out again and again. Taran was actually the worst. Arin just didn't take it very seriously when Avan didn't allow something most of the time. He just collected the bill and just did it again. Anyway, Kora enjoyed the upbringing under Ben, which slowly made him from squire to knight.

Avan's aunt Enna and her husband Mitch also came that year. Arin was passionate about messing with him. And to make matters worse, and because I wasn't feeling bad enough, Enna was pregnant.

And just because of that fact, I failed to get connected to this woman. I just couldn't get more than polite together.

After Mitchel had built a small dark hut on a small estate that Avan had given him, Enna and himself moved in and she gave birth to a son a full three weeks later...

My desire to have children got worse. Avan kept forcing me to talk to him about my problems so that I didn't get bitter, but it was still a pain in my flesh.

When I once asked him, almost casually, if he didn't mind not having a child, he just laughed.

"I now have three teenage busybodies in my castle. I think three is enough for me at the moment."

Eighteen-year-old Kora smiled and drained his mug. We sat together in the knight's hall and digested our lunch. Michel sharpened his hunting knife.

"What? Why are you grinning like that?" I grumbled.

Kora gave me a mischievous look. "You know, I'm just in a good mood."

"And why, if I may ask?"

Kora looked over his shoulder. "Because Ben has a day off today. This saves me from having to confess that I forgot my exercises. Ha, I'm a lucky damn guy!"

Michael shook his head. "You think he won't know anyway? He practically lives in the Soldiers' Hall."

The door opened and fourteen year old Arin walked in with a small boy on his hip. The boy also had black hair, like every Campbell. He looked at Arin wide-eyed and grinned. I noticed a red spot on his forearm. Arin sat down next to me, talking softly.

"And this is Bea. If you're really nice to her, she'll give you every goodie there is in the kitchen."

I forced myself to smile. But when the little brat smiled at me and I saw the typical dimple, it felt like a sting. Avans Jung could also look like this...

"Do you want him, Bea?"

Kora's eyes widened. "You're giving up Syman voluntarily?"

Arin smirked. The boy had become a sarcastic, grumbling, and conspicuously rebellious bastard. And yet he melted my heart with a look like six years ago. "If I can assume that my cousin won't be dumped, then gladly."

Syman stared at Arin as he spoke. He cocked his head and chewed his lip.

"If you want to get rid of him, give him back to Enna. I can't imagine that she's happy that you keep kidnapping her child." Michel grumbled in concentration and grinned at the child as it reached for its whetstone.

Arin rolled his eyes and suddenly just pushed Syman into my lap. He immediately began to stretch his hands to Arin and complain.

"Don't be so rude, you lout!" Arin scolded, laughing.

I mentally kicked myself. It really wasn't Syman's fault that I was unable to have a child.

So I sat down a little more comfortably and handed him a bunch of grapes that were still in a bowl at the table from lunch.

The boy allowed himself to be bribed and, giggling, showed his cousins the grape. Arin frowned as Avan sat down with us. I felt like pushing Syman away immediately. I didn't want to show Avan an image that might never come true.

"Why are you looking like that?" Avan growled in annoyance, stuffing a grape into his mouth.

"Because of Mitch." Arin growled angrily. "How many times do I have to crawl in the dust before you finally act?"

Avan suddenly became quiet. So angry. "Don't mess with him all the time. Since when do you want to hide behind me when push comes to shove?"

"Avan, he beats Enna!"

"As you know, the law allows a man to hit his wife. So what do you want from me?"

"That you forbid it on your own land!"

Aven shook his head. "On what basis? I refuse to be subject to the king's law?"

Arin glared, his already dark eyes black. "You're such a shit power-hungry bully it's pathetic."

Avan raised an eyebrow. His dark blue eyes, as clear and sharp as Michel's knife. "Do you want me to shut your mouth again?"

"Sure, that's what you do best, isn't it?"

Arin stood up and kept his eyes on Avan.

"If he touches Syman again, I'll kill him, Avan. I swear. I won't let his father abuse him."

Avan stood up and looked menacingly at Arin. "Be gone before I forget myself."

Arin looked like he wanted to say something, but he knew that at fourteen he still wasn't old enough to escape his brother's wrath. He knew he had to shut up or risk getting in trouble again.

When Kora and I sighed with relief when we thought Arin would shut up, he had changed his mind.

"Like I'm scared of you."

Of course, Arin knew that Avan didn't want fear from Arin, he wanted respect. But Arin had to say something. It was almost impossible for this stubborn dog to just grab himself and leave.

Avan, a clouded expression, stepped in front of Arin and slapped him across the face, causing Arin to stagger for a moment. He was still only up to Avan's chest. Arin glared at Avan defiantly. His whole demeanor screamed Don't you dare again.

Actually, the fourteen-year-old knew that Avan would very well dare. But his pride wouldn't let him just rest. Avan took a step toward him, punched him twice more, and threw him toward the door. Otherwise Arin would probably never rest.

The boy stumbled against the door but thankfully didn't look back.

"Don't see me again today."

Arin closed the door louder than necessary.

Kora stared at a spot on the tabletop and said nothing. He was shoulder-to-shoulder to Avan, and he's never been as stubbornly stubborn and proud as Arin himself. So Kora wasn't the only one at the castle struggling to understand the issue between Avan and Arin.

So I sat there with Syman. The kid I really didn't want to see near me at all. And because this fact didn't bother me enough, Michel and Kora suddenly left me alone with Avan.

He sat next to me, still seething.

Syman wept silently, but made no sound. What did Arin say? Mitch beats Syman? I raised a cool little hand and looked more closely at the stain on his arm.

"I know that Arin is right, Bea..." Avan growled, who must have been watching me. "But I can't do anything about it. More than giving the little one everything he needs is not possible..."

"But don't you want to try to understand Arin?"

"I do, but I still don't let him treat me like that. Never."

When Syman just wouldn't stop crying silently, I tried to rock him gently.

"Because you and he are too alike?"

Avan gave me a sharp look. "Because he's too like Father. If he imagined something, you could stand on your head. Like him."

Syman rubbed his small eyes in embarrassment.

"You wouldn't let your brother get in trouble, would you? Because of Mitch... he's never worth it."

"I'm trying to prevent it..."

I put my head in my hands. Arin was already here, of course, waiting for me to ask him to sit in front of me. But I was already tired of this topic.

When I looked up, I saw his cheeks, which were still red. He must have followed me right after I left Bea and Syman behind.

"I said I don't want to see you anymore today, right?"

"It is important. So just beat me down again, if you prefer we'll call witnesses and then you have to listen to me."

I had to gulp angrily from this tip. "Sounds tempting, honestly. Get out of there."

From Arin's swallow, I realized my tone of voice wasn't lost on him. Without being asked, he sat down in front of me.

"Avan... It... He's not even a year old."

"Heavens Arin. What am I supposed to do, huh? Enna is his mother, I can't incapacitate her and do what I like."

"Why not?"

"Think, dammit. What would entitle me to do that?"

Arin took a breath to answer but I cut him off. "I know what you want to say! We haven't talked about anything else for two months!"

So he kept his mouth shut. It's quiet for a moment. Then he looked at me contritely. "It... I... Just before..." he struggled with himself for a moment. "I'm sorry."

He avoided my gaze and frowned in embarrassment.

"I know. Forget it."

It got quiet again and Arin seemed to be thinking in concentration. "Five months, Avi... Why does Enna allow this? Why did you also give him a good?"

“So that Enna is close to us. If she wants help or protection, all she has to do is come over my threshold. Then Mitch can pack up. I would protect her from him personally. She knows that. I told her. But it's up to her, Arin."

“But she is endangering Syman. He's such a poor little guy... I don't want Mitch turning him into a monster..."

"It's up to his mother alone..."

Arin visibly swallowed back tears. He was ashamed that I noticed. So he looked up angrily.

"Don't say anything..." I couldn't suppress a grin.

Arin searched the room devotedly. "Was it that bad for you too? I used to mean..."

Arin often wanted to talk about his childhood. But he rarely dared himself to ask his questions. That's why we older ones always hid our own bitterness and tried to appear calm. "I guess so. I often had to watch it..."

"I see..." After checking the room, he looked back at me. "Isn't Taran still talking to you?"

"No..."

"But it was just a fight. Why is he hiding for so long?"

"Even if you won't believe me, brother. But you're not the only proud Campbell. Taran also has a little pride to scratch. And because our last fight ended in such a way that I didn't let him hit me, he won't talk to me."

Arin's eyes widened. "Taran wanted... He charged at you? With fists? What's gotten into him?"

Didn't he even notice the irony?

"What are you asking the power-hungry tyrant?"

Arin's cheeks flushed. "I apologized!"

"Maybe he still does. Who knows. you grow up Not as fast as you would like, but that will come back..."

Arin nodded and furtively rubbed his cheek. "And what's the matter with Bea? She just can't look at Syman without tensing up. Is it because you don't have a child yet?"

"Is that any of your business?"

He smiled. "Can't we help her? Sort of... well, buy her a replacement puppy or something?"

Even if I really didn't want a child at the moment, I knew that Bea did it. And it pained me a lot that, despite our attempts, we couldn't make it. Because she suffered so much. And her damn sister always sent letters and rubbed salt in the wound. Even though Bea hasn't let her go for a long time, she still knew what they contained when she saw the envelopes.

"I think Bea can only help herself."

I accompanied Arin to the forge and spoke to Eric a little to explain why the flail was prevented. When I came to the paddock behind the forge, I saw Bea on her mare. She laughed with Tessa, Michel's wife.

It didn't take three breaths before she noticed me and gave me a cheeky wink. Tessa waved to me in turn and came over to me with Bea on her mares.

"My lord." Tessa grinned cheekily. She was a perfect match for Michel. Both were wild and energetic people. And Tessa was perfect for Michel because she had no problem moving her husband from a shabby cabin in the woods to a muddy campfire site tear up to a night in the saddle.

"Tessa, how are you?"

"It's fine, but I'll be glad when we start again. The castle walls seem to get closer every day."

We laughed and didn't talk long before Bea ended it politely and took me to the stable with her. Next to her mare's box, she pulled me into the hay and knelt over me.

"How did this favor come about, Lady Bea?"

Not that I had anything against it. Spontaneity was perfect.

She sat over me, her hair falling around her face. The daring smile and the nimble fingers with which she undid my trousers made any further question superfluous.

She kissed my neck, pressed her wonderful breasts onto me and buried her hands in my hair. "Avan, I can't live a moment without you..."

Whatever happened that made her in such a hurry, it didn't matter. I brushed off the clothes that were in the way and grabbed her hips. Still, she retained the lead, which wasn't the worst.

After a brief divine moment, she tossed back her long black hair and arched her back. Dazed, she then collapsed on my chest and purred softly. "I needed that..."

I grinned tiredly and ran a hand through her hair. "Always my pleasure..."

She lifted her head and smiled. "Today I decided not to let my desires limit me anymore!"

"Really not?"

"At least that's how I want it. Let's see how it works."

"And that's why this nice raid?"

She smiled again. "I suddenly wanted you. Earlier, when I was still riding alone, I thought a lot about the past few years. What we've both been through and how much you've been there for me through my darkest hours... Then, when I decided I'd had enough of all the heartbreak, I felt the urge to celebrate."

She sat up hesitantly and got dressed again.

"Well, I always like to party with you..."

"Now stop it!" she smiled disarmingly down at me. "And get dressed. Eric and Arin will be bringing the horses out to the paddock soon. Is that how you want them to find you?"

"Why not? You will burst with envy..."

Bea cocked her head and looked at my exposed crotch. She grinned mischievously and then left me.

The stone walls of the mill had been expensive, but that way we never ran the risk of it ever bursting into flames. Avan knocked and joined me in admiring the mill wheel on the side of the outer wall. The mill was purposely placed next to the river that flowed between the village and the small hills behind which the castle lay.

Thus, the mill wheel was operated with water and could hardly fail at all. And since the day we had the mill built until now, nothing has happened.

A young woman, again in circumstances, opened up and bowed to Avan. "My lord."

Hardly anyone in the village was as formal as Müller's people. Because there was nobody in the village, except for the little ones, who didn't know Avan from his childhood. So he gladly refrained from having all these people bow.

The millers would soon adapt too.

Avan smiled kindly. "Rose."

"Milady, are you here too? Please come in, I'll get Ernes."

"Don't bother, Rose. Would you just send him out to us?" Avan walked with me in front of a small bench where Rose usually sewed or prepared food.

When Rose was gone, we sat down and listened to the murmur of the mill. Tired, Avan looked up at some point.

"I find the mill quite successful, what do you think?"

"She is very practical. And handsome."

"And you're very formal..." The joking rebuke reminded me of my new resolutions.

"I know. I'm sorry, I just can't stand the woman. How many children are there now? Three?"

"With the unborn...soon to be six."

"Good heavens..."

Avan gave me a disgusted smile. "Do you really have to be galling about a woman who has legitimate children and works hard?"

I was immediately ashamed. As so often, I was unfair when I saw what others had that I most wished for. I didn't have to say anything, Avan apparently knew how I looked.

Gently stroked his hand over mine. "You don't read Sonia's letters anymore, do you?"

"Of course not..."

"Then don't think about a child anymore, Bea. At least not yet. You know I don't want one right now anyway. And when the time comes-"

"-Am I too old."

He cocked his head, grinning. "And yet we have a nice life, don't you think? You have eight brothers-in-law, like it or not, but you can't change that."

I laughed softly and slid a little closer to him.

"You live in a heated castle, you're always full, and your husband takes you to the skies, lover. And what's up with Rose? Soon six children, rarely really enough food and a tiny living room. She'll probably age faster than you just because of all the worries she has to worry about."

Again, pangs of conscience plagued me. I was really worse than Sonia...

"Can't you begrudge her her children? What if she doesn't find much joy in life?"

I punched his arm. "All right! It was just a throwback."

Avan nudged me back and tugged at the ends of my hair, which was loose around my waist.

Ernes came out and grinned at his rose, who handed him two pints of beer for us. Then she turned and left.

"My lord." Ernes was a tall man, always kind. His build was athletic, a testament to his hard work. And he adored his rose and his children .

I knew Avan liked him and liked stopping by here when he was in the village. Grinning broadly, he shook Erne's large hand. "Müller, I have your apprentice."

"Really, Lord? Who is it?"

"The son of old Gorm. He died two weeks ago. His nine year old has been stealing in my village ever since. The lamp brought him to me."

"Is he capable?"

"Well..." Avan grinned mischievously. "A cheeky rascal and bitter. He thinks he's deserted and must steal."

Ernes blinked before laughing. "What's his name?"

"Melvin."

"And you immediately think of me because...?"

Avan shrugged slightly. But it wasn't a shy kid gesture. It showed the miller behind the stand what he said. "Because I think you've got six wild kids who are amusing you for it. And the boy needs a master who can treat him severely but also leniently."

Ernes nodded thoughtfully. "By wild, don't you mean spoiled, Lord?" His deep laugh escaped his throat again. "But it is, I think. And I'm honored. When is the boy supposed to be here?"

"Instantly? He sits with my brother Ben in the soldiers' hall and spits in my knights' faces."

The miller laughed again. "Do you want me to come with you?"

So after the miller had picked up his apprentice, who had gone with him only unwillingly and cheekily as ever, Avan retreated to his study with me and went about his work again. As soon as he sat down, it got loud.

We exchanged a look before the door swung open and three bleeding Campbells walked into the room. Avan eyed the boys seemingly distantly for a moment.

"Did you argue?"

Arin shot a warning look at the other two. Taran and Kora returned the look.

Ben came up behind them and headbutted Kora. "It's over, confess."

Avan surveyed the pile with growing impatience. Apparently he had a suspicion. I slowly got up and stood next to Taran. He deliberately avoided Avan's gaze. Blood spurted from his nose, his cheek was blue and swollen. The ends of his hair stuck to his head.

"What happened Taran? You didn't do this to each other. Am I right?"

Taran looked up and smiled bitterly. "What else can I say, sister-in-law? Avan knows better than that."

Ben shook his head annoyed. "Enna was with me, Avan. I had to pick the three off her husband."

Oh god please don't. Do we never rest?

Kora, his temple bleeding and barely able to stand, looked at Ben like he was a traitor. Arin looked up. His eye was black, his lip was bleeding and apparently he had something to do with his lower back because whenever he inhaled he twitched slightly.

Avan stared at Arin, so dark and clouded I could hear the rumble. Arin unabashedly returned the same look.