Chapter 28: Chapter 28

"Ten!"

"Nine!"

"Eight!"

"Seven!"

I walk out of the house filled with overly excited relatives counting down for New Year and walk out into the snowy front with my hot chocolate in hand.

"Four!"

"Three!"

"Two!"

"One!"

"HAPPY NEW YEAR!!" Comes the final yelling and cheering. Fireworks are let loose around and I watch the burst of colours explode in the sky.

The snow is coming down quickly, leaving frosted tops on the trees and cars and the fence...creating an enchanting type of view in combination with the endless fireworks.

New year.

I look down at my hot chocolate and watch the marshmallows melt to thick, foamy, creamy content.

"It's a lie." I say to my drink as music blasts through the windows from inside the house.

"There is no new year, there is no time. Its just sun rise and sunsets that exists...time is a lie than prisons us in ticking clocks."

With my small speech, I sip my chocolate and stare up at the sky...the colourful sky.

Maybe if I stay outside long enough, I'll freeze to numb, nonexistent being. Somehow, nothing fascinates me anymore. Not staying at home with family and relatives during one of the best holidays, not fireworks or the sound of merry, happy voices.

"You're lying." My mum's voice states from behind me before she walks into view, holding a glass of wine.

"Champagne?" I ask, nodding at the drink in her hand but she just shrugs and sips from it, before sitting beside me on the stone pavement.

"You were never the type to love fireworks. When you were little, your dad would carry you on his shoulder before he lit them and you would scream so loud."

She chuckles at the memory, staring up at the sky and I can vividly remember the experience.

"Then you would reach out for me in tears and you won't stop crying until I--"

"Until you scolded him." I completed.

"Pretended to scold him." She says turning to me now with a smile and misty eyes.

"Which makes me wonder why you're out here on the first hour of a New Year."

Her green eyes don't leave mine and I drag my gaze to the mug in my hand. It doesn't feel warm anymore and I decide to take it as an excuse to leave.

I can't stay here and talk to her like it's a normal thing...

I have never been one to open up to my mum, and I can't bring myself to start remembering the entire heartbreaking moments of the past month.

I begin to get up,

"I'm going to get another cup."

"I'm sorry." Mum says suddenly, her hand reaching out to hold my wrist and I sit back at the shock of her words.

"I know. I haven't exactly been your favorite person or number one parent and...I don't blame you. I put too much effort in Ginger, trying to remind her she is just as special and--"

"W-What do you mean?" I stutter quietly, turning to look at my mum. Her green eyes are filled with remorse.

"The divorce. After it was finalized and your dad got custody of you, Ginger felt he didn't want her at all. That she wasn't special to him and honey, I couldn't stand to watch her feel rejected, so I gave her so much attention."

Her words bring back Ginger's painful confession about why she did what she did.

'Dad picked you over me.'

'I kept wondering was I terrible? Repulsive?'

'I thought he didn't love me.'

"I know I crossed so many lines with you. Finding out about Jay and Ginger and keeping it a secret, then urging you to make amends with him.  I, myself, am ashamed of how I could treat you like that. My husband had gone and my daughter felt rejected, I was caught up with so much to heal...I barely noticed my sweet April suffering from my greedy actions."

Her palm rests on my cheek and the feeling is unfamiliar but comforting and warm.

"But I love you, April. An apology is just words, I know, and it's the actions that count. I may never be able to redeem myself completely of what I did but I want to try. You're my daughter. My big girl. One more year in college and you would leave to get an apartment, start a life. But I just want you to know this..."

Her hand moves from my cheek to my shoulder,

"I'm here for you. You can still reach out to me if you're scared and I promise, I'll be here to scold whatever or whoever it is."

She says and I can't help but laugh at her statement.

"I love you too, mum." I say and she smiles contentedly.

"So I ask again, why are you staring at the fireworks, away from all the cheering and celebrations?"

This time, I look away from her gaze so she won't see the sudden sadness that has taken over.

"I don't want to be around a lot of people." I admit with a shrug and I can feel her gaze burning through my excuse.

"Is this about someone? A boy, perhaps?" She asks and I plant my gaze on my mug.

Considering Ethan would be graduating in the next 5 months, I'm not exactly sure about referring to him as a boy.

Ethan.

There. I said his name.

That alone brings back memories of what happened almost three weeks ago and still I can't stop the tears threatening to spill.

"His name is Ethan." I say and look up, blinking rapidly to stop the tears.

"And I love him." I admit, my voice quivering worse than I expected and a tear escapes.

"Then, honey, why are you crying?" My mum asks, extending her hand to wrap around both my shoulders.

"Because." I begin and wipe the tear, trying to gain composure.

"Because we broke up nearly three weeks ago after agreeing there is no reason to be together and I still can't stop thinking about him." I say and lean into my mum's comfort.

She is quiet for some minutes, holding me close as I stare at the fireworks before she speaks,

"April, what happens tomorrow is beyond our understanding and power. If you love someone, let it happen and fate will decide. You can't just agree to decipher what is unknown to your knowledge."

"But I can. He doesn't love me, he admitted he doesn't see us going anywhere in the future and I can't plant my hopes in his uncertainty."

"And you? Do you see your relationship with him going anywhere in the future?" She asks me and her question catches me offguard.

I had never bothered to see it from my thoughts.

"I...I don't know. Maybe?"

"Exaclty. You don't know either." She says and moves back a little so she can see my face.

"You'll figure this out. Dont rush to decide anything." She adds before planting a kiss on my forehead before getting up and slowly pulling me with her.

"Now wipe that sadness off and enjoy today. Its a New Year."

I attempt a weak smile at her words and follow her in.

******

Ethan's POV

12 : 15 am

I stare down at my wine glass before it dawns on me that it's empty...again. Sighing, I reach for the bottle settled on the porch swing next to me when a someone reaches over from behind and grabs it out of my reach.

"I think you've had enough glasses of wine for tonight."

Trevor rounds the porch swing from behind and walks into view, holding the bottle.

"It's morning." I say in low grumble and Trevor gives me a pointed stare.

"Exactly. Its the first morning of the New Year and you're out here drinking?"

"Am I supposed to take excuse from your dad? Everyone was having a glass."

"Yeah, at exactly four hours ago! Enough sarcasm, Ethan. This ends now." He says and stretches his hand out of the porch, turning the bottle over and emptying the white wine on the flower hedges.

He is right, we had all had dinner around 8pm. Trevor, Clyde, Amanda and I here at his family home in Nevada. And then I had stayed in my room until the countdown because I just couldn't.

Couldn't feel the buzz and excitement they all had.

Couldn't pretend that I did.

And after the countdown, I just needed to be alone and get drunk and forget.

Forget how I'd watched the hope in her eyes shatter.

Forget how my words had been the reason she had been sobbing and heaving in tears.

All my fault.

After I had promised I would never hurt her again on purpose in the elevator.

When the bottle is empty, Trevor drops it back next to me on the porch swing. Somehow, everything seems to go in slow motion as I stare into my empty cup.

All I can see is April.

April having six glasses of martini.

April telling me to mind my own damn business.

April crying....

April laughing....

April at my door at 03:00am when I was hurting and drinking.

April giggling at how she loves the wine on our first date.

Waking up next to April...

April telling me she loves me...

April running away in tears...

"GODDAMMIT!!"

The smashing of the empty, wine bottle on the wall 8 feet before me tears through the night like thunder.

Trevor is staring at me with so much shock in his eyes, it only takes me a second to realise that I threw the bottle.

Tentatively, Trevor walks over to me and sits next to me on the porch swing.

"You ready to talk?" He asks.

I push my hands through my hair  and stare at the polished, wooden floor.

"I shouldn't. I shouldn't have let her go. I shouldn't have said what I said."

"Then why did you let her go? Why did you let her believe all that?"

"Because. Because I thought I believed it too, I was so convinced that if I didn't have too much expectations, then...."

I sigh and look up at the roof now.

"Then none of us would end up getting hurt." I say and suddenly I can't stop talking,

"She said she loves me but how? How can she love me? She just thinks she loves me and maybe 3, 5, 7, months from now she'll be finding ways to leave after realising she is over the rebound relationship! She'll probably find out she just wanted to get over her ex and she'll leave after she has gotten what she wanted from me. I'll wake up one morning and....

And I wont get the scent of her. Won't see the sun on her skin, won't see her red, red hair. Won't hear her laugh, won't see her wearing my clothes. And I just can't go through another--"

"Another Heather?" Trevor asks and I realise I had completely forgotten he was here.

Another Heather?

I stare straight ahead at where the bottle had smashed against the wall and keep my gaze on the slight mark it has created.

"You think April is going to be like Heather? Why would you think that?"

"She is going to leave me. I just know it and I can't bring myself to go through it again."

"You think she is going to leave you. But have you ever tried remembering every other time April left?"

I sigh,

"She always came back."

"Exactly. Always. Or that other time she brought a box that had everything you had given her. I spoke to her that morning on the day she left, Ethan...she adores you. She doesn't want anything from you. She just wants to be with you."

"But she isn't sure of that."

"Or you're not sure of it. You're not sure if you should put your hopes and trust in."

I get up from the swing, suddenly needing to breathe as I walk forward.

Trevor is still talking,

"I know that's what bothering you, Ethan. And it's fine, but you just have to admit it. You have to let go of this fear and the only way is to accept that's what's troubling you...and then you can get over it. Then you can let go of the fear and just live. Just admit it, just say it."

"I'M SCARED! Okay?! I'm so fucking scared that I'm falling so hard for her, I can't stop myself! And if I don't keep away now, I'll lose myself in her! And I might just wake up one day and....she won't be there. She won't want me anymore."

I put my hands on the porch railing and stare at the flowers below.

Carnations.

She loves carnations.

I can feel Trevor's presence behind me before his hand is on my shoulder.

"It's okay. And yes, none of us can guarantee what she will do or how this is going to end. But she has always been different." Trevor says.

"Unique, even. She stopped my aching and she was always there." I say, surprising myself at how easy it is to admit it.

Admit that somehow, April's unique character and her difference gives me a certainty that it'll never be the same with her.

"I miss her so fucking much, I can't think." I say.

Trevor is by my side now, smiling.

"Then why are you still here?"