Chapter 27: Chapter 27

Tears are streaming down my face by the time I reach the elevator and my finger hovers above the button.

I can't.

I can't do it.

I stare at the twin doors of the elevator in disbelief as it dawns on me.

I can't run away. Not this time.

Not until I hear him say it himself.

I turn around to see Ethan standing outside his door, with a hesitant look in his eyes. His posture is unbalanced, like he wants to run over to me but is holding himself.

Its like de-ja-vú, every time I leave his apartment, every time we disagree, every time something hurts me, I always end up running.

Not bothering to listen to him.

And he would always show up with a perfect explanation, telling me that I had misunderstood.

Always.

I don't know how long we stand 20 feet apart, staring at each other before it becomes clear to me.

No.

No more running on my terms.

SoI'll make this easy for you. How about I just go and not come back?

He had been silent.

Maybe I'm over reacting, maybe he has another perfect explanation that I don't know. Maybe this is just a big misunderstanding.

I turn around now and make my way to him, wiping my tears.

No more unclear situations. I need to hear him say it, to hear him tell me that he wants me to go.

That he all this is just a bypass relationship.

Or...I need to hear him say that perfect explanation, the one that fixes everything.

No more misunderstandings. No more apologies.

My hopes are already down and shattered beyond repair as I stand in front of him.

"No. No more Ethan."

His unclear expression stares back at me.

"I don't under--"

"I'm not stepping a foot out of this building until I hear you say it."

"April--"

"Because I'm tired of being unclear with you. I'm tired of our vague and continuous disagreements and for once, I'm not going to act on my terms only. I can't--"

My voice breaks and he reaches out for me but I only move back, knowing I don't have it in me to handle his touch.

I raise my hands to stop him.

"Don't. Just don't touch me."

I watch as he sighs defeated and shoves his hands in his pockets instead.

Tears are pouring down my face and I'm sobbing shamelessly as I force myself to look him in the eye.

Let him know that this is all on him.

Let him see how serious this is.

"I cant keep doing this. Getting hurt with ideas and running and destroying myself and second-guessing my actions by waiting to see if you'll come and tell me that I'm wrong. Waiting for you to make it right or waiting for an answer."

I sob endlessly at how it hurts.

It hurts so bad to reveal reality. That his words right now could make or break everything that I had unknowingly put my trust in.

But what hurts the most, is having to look him in the eye and know the truth already. Know what his answer will be.

His grey eyes are filled with distraught and so much concerns, I can already tell.

But he has to say it.

"So tell me."

My voice has never quivered so badly.

"Do you love me?" The first question escapes.

"April, I--"

"I can't handle anymore surprises Ethan. Just tell me the truth, it's a yes or a no.

Do. You. Love. Me?"

He is quiet.

"Do you?"

"No." He mutters and looks down, cursing something under his breath. Then he runs both hands through his hair before he looks back at me and I'm almost convinced that he is hurting too.

No. The first reality.

"Did you always think that this relationship was based on vulnerability?" I hurry with the next question, determined to get all my answers before I break down completely.

His hand shoots out in a quick move and grabs my wrist.

"April, this is insane. Just come inside and we'll talk!"

"No! No, let go of me!"

We're both yelling at the same time and I manage to free my hand from his grasp.

"Did you?! Did you or did you not think that it was all based on vulnerability?"

I ask between heaving sobs and Ethan turns his back to me.

"No. You don't get to do this. You look at me and answer me!"

I reach out and grab him by the shoulder, forcing him to turn around.

"Yes! I did! But then--"

"But nothing!" I tell him, feeling my heart shatter with every response.

"But nothing." I repeat quietly.

"I care for you, April."

"Did you believe that this relationship would have a lasting, permanent future? That we were headed somewhere?" I ask, ignoring his statement.

I force myself to keep looking at him even as I watch a stray tear leak from the corner of his left eye.

His gaze is on me, regret and surrender evident in them with exhaustion.

"Did you?" I whimper.

"No." He says with a sigh, obviously tired of arguing with me.

I watch tears roll down his eyes and I can't tell who is hurting who anymore, I just know that it's about to be over.

"So there is nothing left for us. Do you agree?" I force the last question out, needing to run out and break down already.

"Baby--"

"Dont. Call. Me. That." I say as slowly as I can so I don't start yelling again.

"You've said the answers yourself. Then there is nothing left for us, do you agree?"

He just nods.

"Say it." I demand in my wretched sobs.

"Yes." He says with a hurtful look that only tears at my shattering heart.

"Then it's settled. I'm leaving. This is the final end of our back and forth, the final end of us." I say as my voice breaks again and watching Ethan cry only makes it worse.

"You were just going to waste another couple of years of my life like Jay. You will not come by my dorm, you will not call me. You will not make an effort anymore. Because you've made your intentions clear."

Ethan's head is hung low with his gaze on the floor.

"You went through all this trouble to deceive me, just so you can dump me when you're done using the vulnerable girl."

He looks up suddenly at me, as if my words have brought a new reality to him.

I turn now and run, ready to get away and finally break down. Thankfully, the door slides open when I hit the button and I rush in and press the ground floor.

***

It has been snowing for the past week and by the time I get to my dorm, the snow is nearly ankle deep. Hugging my jacket closer, I keep my gaze down and head for the stairs to my dorm room.

Gretchen is humming to herself as she straightens her bed when I walk in.

Her back is to me and she doesn't bother to look up.

"Hey! You're here early. Ran out of clothes?" She teases just as I toss my bag to the corner and slip of my jacket, still trying to control my slight sobs.

When I dont reply, Gretchen turns around.

"Oh my goodness, you look aweful. Why are you crying?" She asks suddenly at my bed, sitting next to me.

"April, what happened?"

Her question only makes me recall everything and my sobs are back with flowing tears.

"I told Ethan that I loved him." I whimper and her face is blank.

"But he doesn't love me back and he agreed that there was nothing left for us." I cry out and her expression moves from shock to sadness.

"Oh, honey. Did he say that? That he doesn't love you?"

She asks and I only have the guts in me to nod, not ready to repeat his painful response.

Gretchen pulls me close and holds me in her embrace and I bawl my eyes out.

"I love him so bad and he never even intended on giving us a chance." I weep in utter dismay.

Gretchen holds me closer, muttering soothing words.

But her words don't change anything.

He doesn't love me.

He never planned on it.

Ethan has been building a lie for me.

Author's Note

Sorry for the short chapter today. Another update as soon as possible.

Vote and Comment :D