Chapter 59: Chapter 59

It felt good. It felt so good. Better than the previous times.

My arms moved up to push him away but they found themselves curving up his arms to his strong biceps pulling him closer for the kiss. I was standing on my toes hungry for more, hoping he would never stop.

His soft lips pressed urgently against mine, he urged my lips apart with his tongue and I obliged, giving him access. I craved his touch, his kisses. A few seconds ago I was lost in my heartbreak, now I just want to keep kissing Andre because nothing ever felt so right. I tasted my tears on his lips as they mixed with his kisses.

He moaned against my mouth, his hands sliding down my back to the small of my back and further down. With the slightest pressure, he pressed me closer and I felt his stiff erection against my lower belly.

“God, I can’t stay away from you,” he moaned. "I don't ever want to stay away from you."

My eyes flew open and my senses came back to me. In a flash, I pushed him away from me. He came back with great urgency and pulled me into his arms again.

“Let go of me, Andre!” I bit out feeling foolish for falling for his kisses again. Wasn’t I just hurt tonight? Will I never learn?

He didn’t let me go. He pulled me in, his arms strong around me as he hugged me so tight that I thought he was going to squeeze the breath out of me. “I can’t. I can’t let you go, Bianca. I cannot keep living a lie and I won’t let you do the same.”

I kept struggling against him and succeeded in disbanding his arms around my waist. Pushing away from him I walked backward to keep some distance between us, my hand flying to my lips, lips that just enjoyed his kisses so much.

He stabbed his fingers through his hair in frustration, licking his reddened lips as he opened his mouth to speak. Suddenly he paused.

His brows furrowed in concern. “You’ve been crying.”

“Genius,” I said acidly.

He came closer.

“Don’t come any closer, Andre, or I’ll scream!” my tears fell harder. It felt as though I couldn’t control them any longer, I didn’t know what to do to stop them. Grinding my teeth wasn’t helping and Andre in my room with that look of concern in his eyes wasn’t helping any. “What do you want from me?” I shuddered. “What do you all want from me? I did the right thing. I gave you up, I ignored my feelings for you to make everyone happy yet how was I repaid? With betrayal. Heartache. Are you happy now? Are you all happy now?!”

Unable to hold myself any longer I crumbled to the ground and held my face in my hands, weeping until my shoulders shook. I thought I had no more tears to cry yet there I was soaking my cheer uniform with hot tears.

I felt rather than saw Andre sit on the floor in front of me.

I looked up at him my sight too blurry to see.

“You wanted to make everyone happy but were you happy?”

I didn’t want to answer because I knew the truth. It was undeniable yet I wanted to deny it. “I would have been eventually.”

He looked like he wanted to choke me or shake me until my teeth rattled. But his voice was soft when he said, “Why do you keep lying to yourself? Would it hurt if you made one selfish decision for yourself? Have you never wanted something so bad that you damned the consequences and took it not minding who got hurt in the process so long as you got your happiness?”

“I am not selfish, Andre. I did what I thought was best. My best friend loved you, was I supposed to come in between you two? I am a loyal friend, Andre!”

“And look what your loyalty earned you.” He stared at me as I cried pitifully and sniffed because my nose was runny. “Bianca, I am going to ask you one question and I want the honest truth. All this while you’ve lied to me but I want you to be honest. Would you have been happy with Aaron even if you hadn’t learned of what happened tonight?”

My eyes widened and my tears stopped momentarily. I couldn’t find my words at first and when I did my voice was just a croak. “You knew?”

“I suspected and it turns out my suspicions were right. I didn’t want to believe it but surprisingly when I found out, I didn’t care. Do you know why I didn’t care?” he asked. “Do you?!” his voice was firmer. Dropping his voice an octave he dove his hands into his hair again and bit on his lips and I saw the tears brimming in his eyes. “Because I was in love with someone else. I didn’t care that my supposed girlfriend was cheating on me with my best friend because I was in love with HER best friend. I wasn’t thinking of Siobhan when I closed my eyes to sleep, I was thinking of her or getting jealous every time someone looked at her in any way other than just a platonic glance. I wasn't burning for her the way I burned for you. I wasn’t looking forward to our next banter as much as I did with you. I never loved Siobhan…if I wasn’t…” he paused. “I would have chosen you a million times over but I was a fucking coward! I couldn’t take the chance when I saw it because I was a fucking coward.” He stopped talking for a moment to look up at me and I saw the anger in his eyes, a wave of anger directed at himself. The more he spoke the more his eyes sparked.

“But I don’t care anymore. I am not that Andre anymore. I love you, Bianca, I always have and I do not care if you hate me right now. I do not care if you want to kill me right now. If the world as we know it ended today I know that I have done something right by telling you this. I love you, Bianca Davis.”

The conviction in his tone brought fresh tears to my eyes but this time I bravely held them back. Hardening my heart against him I challenged his lies.

“I have heard worse lies than that Andre Rios. I never thought I would believe a lie but this night taught me otherwise. Why should I trust you? Why should you be any different from the boy who broke my heart tonight…”

“Because you know it’s true. You love me too. You feel it too every time you look at me. You drew me in with your beauty, your intelligence, your sarcasm… everything about you dulled my senses and all I wanted was you – still is you. That day at the beach,” he held my gaze as he spoke these words. “You represented freedom. You represented everything that was bright and sunny and happy and I wanted to hold your hands and run away with you. I know I can be cocky and arrogant and annoying but I told you, that is not the real Andre, the real Andre wants to love you and shield you and protect you from this world because I am scared that if the world knew how truly beautiful you are they will take you away from me. It just sucks that Aaron got to you before me. It sucks because if I hadn’t found myself in this…” he paused as if he was about to say something he shouldn’t. I saw the debate in his eyes, the silent struggle. “I don’t deserve you,” he concluded.

We sat there on the floor staring at each other. Around us, the others prepared for the party but the both of us sat in my apartment locked and lost in our own world. And in the enclosed space I couldn’t deny the truth. I did love him too. I did enjoy the faux hatred we shared, hiding what was really evident to both of us – our feelings.

If I was as selfish as Siobhan had been –

“I don’t care if you believe me, Bianca,” Andre said coming closer now. He rose on his knees to crawl toward me. “But I really hope you do because for once in my life I did something right. For once in life I can right a wrong and start all over.”

“And you want to start over with me?” I swallowed.

He came to a stop in front of me but didn’t touch me, probably concerned I would bolt away.

“If you will let me. I love you. I can’t help it. I can’t stop saying it, I love you.”

A tear dropped.

My heart clenched. The waterworks were coming again. “I wanted to deny my feelings, Andre. I thought I was making the right choice. Shewa and Jess tried to make me see what a grave mistake I was making but I was blinded by trust and hope that everyone else was wrong about what I felt and I was right. I fought them and I fought you even harder. But when we got tied up together…if I ever want to be tied up to anyone again…it should be you.”

He smiled. His gray eyes were watery as he reached for me again and his lips sought mine and once again his kiss was soft and sweet and beautiful.