Chapter 20: Chapter 20

That I can live without you, but without you, I'll be miserable at best

I heard a slow clap after reaching the edge of the pool. I immediately removed my goggles and I saw Coach extending his hands on me.

"Coach," I greeted. I grabbed his hand as he pulled me. I removed my swim cap and let my hair on loose. "I guess this will be the last time," I said, trying to hide my sadness.

I bowed down with a wide smile on my face upon saying, "Thank you for everything, Coach."

I heard him chuckle as he pats my shoulder. He lifted my head and placed his hand on both of my arms. "I'm so proud of you, Zee. Thank you for being a great student."

"I'll miss you, Coach. I'll miss everything," I wipe the shot of liquid that is trying to leave my eyes.

"You are making me cry, Zamora. Come here," he hugs me. "You are always welcome to visit me here. Okay?"

I nodded upon leaving his hug. "Thank you," I repeated again. "I left cupcakes on your table. Just share it with the other coach." I uttered with respect.

"Are you really gonna quit swimming?" He asked, concerned. "Are you sure about it? I can still be your coach."

I shook my head. "I'll have to find myself first. Don't worry, Coach. I'll still visit the pool, but I guess not competitions."

"I see." He nodded. "Just know I'm here, okay? Congratulations! Happy Graduation, Zamora!" He tapped my shoulder before leaving me.

I stood there, staring at the pool for a second until I left with a sad smile on my face. I have a lot of memories in this place that are hard to forget. But, I guess this is it. This is the end.

I went to the locker area along with the seniors who are already packing their things. For the last time, I encoded Zack's birthday on my locker code. When I'm done filling my things I reset the password and leave a small note inside for the next student who will use it.

I went inside the faculty room and left a cupcake for Sir Cerezo alongside with a thank you letter. He wasn't around since the teachers are preparing for our graduation tomorrow night. Today will be our last practice for the rites.

"Zee," Gab waved mid-air upon seeing me. I tried to act casually and greeted her with a smile. She was standing next to Zack holding a ball. It must be a memento she got from the team.

"Hey, Zeekie?" Zack cooly stroked the back of his hair as his foot played with the ball. He then strikes it up and catches it as soon as I stand next to them. "You done with your things?"

I nodded. Just then, Chad comes running to us. "Hey, guys let's go. They're calling us." He gestured towards the field where the practice will be held.

"Sucks, I haven't memorized the speech." Zack retorted.

"You can just read it," Chad hissed. "Anyways, have you seen Aae?" Chad looked at me. "The teachers are looking for him for his speech too. You live together, right?"

I shook my head. "No, he hasn't been home lately."

He hasn't been home...or should I say he never comes back to Tita Annly's house after what happened. I haven't talked to him since. It's been weeks. I saw him in school and we're back to how we used to.

"Where could he be? Is he going to attend graduation?" Gab asked.

I shrugged. I don't actually care.

Damn! I hate Aae. I hate my parents. I hate myself. I hate life. Should I kill myself, then?

Uh. I don't know what to do. What should I do?

I am not yet ready to graduate. No, I like the fact that tomorrow will be the graduation but I hate what comes after that.

Would they allow me to finally enroll in UST for my pre-med? I didn't take the exam for ACET last week and I put Nursing as my first choice - no other choice during my exam in USTET. I might get the scholarship and probably run home if they would not allow me. I hope it will not come to that point.

On the darker note, if they allow me it means I have to marry Aae - and forget about my feelings for Zack.

Should I tell Zack about him? What would I tell him?

Will he stay if I told him to stay?

Will he run away with me if I tell him I wanna be with him?

Ugh! You idiot, Zee!

Why would I ask him to do that?

He promised to come back for me and I know he would. But how much pain would it cost him if he came back and I already married Aae?

I would really die with so much regret if that happened.

How would I be able to stop the wedding?

"Hey, you okay?" I almost stumbled upon hearing Zack's baritone voice. I immediately wiped the tears that had fallen from my eyes. I haven't even noticed them.

"Are you crying?" He surveyed me from my eyes down to my chin.

I quickly nodded and fake a laugh. "Why would I cry? Baka!"

He inserted the straw inside the pack of banana milk before handing it to me. "Zee, I know you," he left a deep sigh. "You've been out lately."

"No," I shook my head as I sipped the straw. "I'm just sad that the school year is ending," I answered which is somehow true, though I am sad about a lot of things.

"Zee," I felt the heat of Zack's palm when he caressed my free hand. "I may be staying there for good, yet I promise I will come back for you."

I bit my lower lip to stop myself from crying. "What if we meet someone...and fall in love with them?"

"Then maybe it is what's after the semicolon." There was a sudden crack in his voice as he looked the other way. "I'm sorry I couldn't pursue us," I heard him sighed. "I'm sorry if it took us years for me to say what I truly feel." He closed fist.

"Zack, it isn't your fault." I smiled a bit. It was my fault. Or maybe it was our fault.

"Do you think we'll be happier if we...what if I told you what I felt years ago, do you think..." he cupped his hands on his face out of frustration.

"We are happy, Zack. You are the greatest thing that ever happened to me," I stared at his deep gray eyes. "But, it will not make any difference even if we confessed years ago, it would just...well," I gasped. "It would definitely hurt more than this."

I wagged my head.

It will never change a thing. I would still have to marry Aae and if we have to endure so much pain than this if that happened. Maybe fate saves us a little misery.

"Anyways, I'll go to the comfort room." I lied. I didn't wait for him to say a thing. I ran to the backside of the club building before bursting out.

I cupped my mouth as tears started to flow. My shoulders were thrusting up and down as I gasped for air. My heart was beating tight and my lungs seemed to lose its function.

I tried to calm myself and silent my sobs but the moment I smelled Zack's mint perfume as he placed his palm on my shoulder, I bawled.

"Why, Zee?" He whispered as he caught me in his arms. "Please stop crying. What is wrong?"

I hugged him tight as I cried on his chest. I can hear his heart beating so fast...or is it my heart?

I cried and cried until my tears ran dry and my face became numb. I hold on to Zack's arms, afraid to let him go.

I don't want to let go. I just wanna stay there and cried hoping it would make everything better. I don't wanna be away from Zack's arms. I wanna cover myself inside his chest to feel his heartbeat. I wanna just stay there with him and make the clock stop.

I would give everything to get back the time I lost trying to be afraid of losing our friendship when we keep the same feelings.

How do we get back the love we didn't fight because we are scared? Should we start a war?

"Zee," Zack lifted my head. My eyes were clouded with tears as he wiped them with his trembling hands. I imagine his smile as he kissed my forehead.

"Do you love me?" He whispered enough for me to cry even harder.

Baka! Why would I cry like this, then?

I love you, Zack. I really do.

I almost fell from my knees when he added, "I love you, Zee," his voice was full of sincerity as he caressed my hair. "I will stay and forget about my dreams if you say you love me too."

Zack...

Damn!

I closed my eyes and clutch to his chest. I bit my lower lip and clenched my jaw. Why is this happening?

I didn't expect that although I was hoping he would ask. But now that he is asking, I couldn't find the words.

I wanted to say I love him. God knows how much I love him. This is what you want, Zee. Right?

He will stay. I will get to see him, laugh with him, grow with him. We would be together, yet, I couldn't find my voice.

I love him.

He loves me.

I hope that love has always been enough to make someone stay yet I clearly understood that having him near me would be a selfish thing to do.

I will not be able to accept the fact that Zack will stay and forget about his dream flying school. Yeah, he can still fly here but that Neil Amstrong flying school in Indiana where he got accepted for a scholarship is such a dream come true for him. I will never forgive myself if I take it away from him. I couldn't even forgive my parents for taking my choice either.

If he stays, it doesn't necessarily mean we can freely do whatever we want. Even if he stays, it will all go to waste when I marry Aae. Leaving his dream school for me will never be the right thing to do.

If we continue this, my mother would definitely not allow me to take medicine. The only trump card I am holding right now is Aae, our marriage.

Zack, I am sorry but I am choosing my dreams over you.

Let us choose our dreams.

Let us chase our dreams over each other.

Let us grow independently and find each other when the time is right.

I believe that the love we deserve from the wrong time will come running back to us when the time is right. I will continue to believe.

I'm sorry but you have to hear those words from me soon. It would be something I would always look forward to, like the sunrise that keeps me going no matter how dark yesterday was.

"Of course," I faked a laugh. "You are my best friend;"

I slowly let go of him. I lift my head to see his face. I wiped my tears and widened my eyes to glance at his face.

"Zee, I am serious," he swallowed. He clenched his jaw upon facing me.

"I know. I am too." I replied.

Zack smiled as he placed his forehead against mine. I closed my eyes upon sensing his breath. "I love you, Katie." I felt his smooth lips on the bridge of my nose. "...more than best friends."

I smiled as his soft lips pressed against mine.

"Do you want me to stay?" He whispered.

I melted when he stared at me as soon as I opened my eyes.

Can we just stay like this?

"Don't worry," I cracked a smile, though it wasn't enough to convince him. He knows me. "I can live without you. You're not that special," I lied. I wiped my tears and grabbed his hand. "C'mon, we've been crying here. Let's go, Mr. Valedictorian and my future captain. They're probably looking for us."

"Katie..." he intertwined our hands.

"Hmm?" I raised an eyebrow.

He didn't move from his position. He stared at me. His deep gray eyes are beyond incomprehensible. I know he is waiting for me to confess what I really feel.

Why are you doing this, Zack?

"Baka!" I managed to widen my mouth. I let go of his hand before giving him a peak on the side of his lips. "Let me see you wearing that uniform, my Captain."

I turned my back and started walking away as my heart shattered into pieces. I was five feet apart when I heard his steps. "Can you..." there was pleading and desperation in his voice as he says, "...really live without me?"

Uh. I bit my lower lip and licked the blood that started to drip. I clutched my chest and tried hard not to choke, "You know I can, right?"

"Last question, Katie," he was standing behind me. He placed his hand on my shoulder as his lips brushed my hair. "Can you seriously...live without me?"

Damn, Zack. I hate you! Why are you making it so hard for me?

I hardly nodded.

"Then live..." I closed my eyes when he enveloped me with his arms. His warm tears dripped on my shoulder as he rested his head on it. It pains me to hear him cry.

Sorry...

My heart suddenly jerked as he whispered, "Live Katie..."

Zack...

"Just don't be miserable at best." He kissed the top of my head before letting me go.