Chapter 19: Chapter 19

Save me from this broken heart, all my love will slowly fade away

"Zee Katie," My mother yelled as soon as she reached me standing in the garden. "What was that? Don't you know how rude it was in front of your future in-laws?!" The veins in her temple were showing as she clenched her teeth.

My parents came back from Singapore together with my grandmother. It was my first time meeting her since my mother never talked about her family after she left home. I never thought I would meet her and not even in a blink of an eye, I thought about having Aae as my fiance.

Uh, they were talking about the wedding dates a while ago. They didn't even bother asking about my opinion.

"Why?" I choked. I could no longer hide the tears that wanted to fall from my eyes since I entered the house.

"It has long been planned," she replied. "Your brother was supposed to marry Aae's sister but he died so-"

"So you made me a replacement?" I sarcastically laughed. I closed my fist while trying to find something where I could release my anger. When I couldn't find anything, I clawed my nails on my palm, trying to wake my senses. I still wanted to believe that everything was just a dream.

I felt like crashing at any moment.

"Zee, it isn't like that," she shook her head in disbelief. "It's for your future, for our family. Your brother would surely agree-"

I cursed at myself. I had no scrunchies to tie my hair. I was so frustrated.

"No." I wagged my head in despair. "I'm not my brother, Mom. When will you realize that?!" I was feeling the pain and sensing the blood in my palm as my nails pierced into it, but it's nothing compared to the grief I was feeling inside.

"It's for our business, Zee. You have to understand." Mom was trying to hide her irritation. I guess she couldn't believe I had a say on their plan because she found me as a good daughter who could never say no.

Not this time. I couldn't agree.

"So am your business Mom?" My voice totally broke.

She was left speechless for a moment before she heaved.

"This isn't negotiable, Zee."

"Then I should have been the one that died and not my brother!" I screamed my frustration.

My jaw dropped and I immediately crouched when I felt the heat of her palm on my cheeks. I tasted blood on the side of my lips as I wept.

"You don't dare say that, Zee." There was anger in her voice while suffering in my sob. "This is for you. I have finally reconciled with my family. They let me manage our company again. It's for you and for your future. Don't you get that?"

"I get it, Mom." I nodded. "I do. But have you e-ever, just once, t-thought if that is what I-I really want?" I mumbled.

"What do you want, Zee?" She arched her brow as I faced her. Her hands were forming into a fist. Is she gonna hit me again?

I bit my lower lip. Uh, I should have never been a good daughter. Don't you think?

"I want to find love on my own, not something arranged for me," I begged. "I like someone else."

"You are still young, Zee. Your feelings will still change. It will grow, and you will realize that what you feel right now isn't love."

"Then how would I know when you are telling me to force myself to love someone," I scowled.

"We are not forcing you, Zee!" she exclaimed. Her almond-eyes widened out of frustration. "We both want you to fall in love with each other, that is why we are making this arrangement earlier so you can work on it," she explained, yet there was no explanation that could make me just accept it.

"What if we didn't fall for each other?" I implored. So, they think love is like that? Why do people think we can buy love? Can we really teach our hearts to love someone? Is that how love works?

Damn!

"What if Aae was the only one in love, and I'm still stuck with these feelings for someone else. What will happen? Will you cancel the wedding?"

Uh, I was getting a headache. My breathing was no longer stable. I could already feel the pain in my lungs as I breathed in and out. I was sensing exhaustion. My legs were already shaking. My eyes were already numb.

"If it is Zack you liked," she stared at me. "He'll be gone in a few weeks and will never come back. Your feelings will change, and you'll come to like Aae," she declared as if she knew what I was feeling.

I laughed at her until it became a wail again. "Says you, mom." I shook my head in doubt. "You have fallen in love with my father since you were a kid. You were separated but a thousand miles didn't stop you from loving him. You even eloped with him, married him, gave up everything, and here we are."

My mother was a Liu, a descendant of the Emperor of the Han Dynasty, and one of the most powerful families in China. She was crazy rich - not until she decided to elope and marry my father.

Oh, I recalled my father's expressions. I saw how worried he was. How he wanted to say something yet couldn't find his voice. Of course, he didn't have any voice in my mother's family. They never like him, that was the reason why my mother left her family...for love.

I always adored their timeless stories because I imagined how brave it was to sacrifice everything for love. But I never thought I would hate it now.

"I told you, Zee," she raised her voice in conviction. "This isn't negotiable. Bury your feelings for Zack and learn to love Aae," she said, without even a glimpse of hesitation in her voice.

I guess I could never say no to this?

I heaved.

Uh, I wanted to die in front of them right now. I want to end my life at this moment. However, I know I could never face my brother if I do that.

"If this isn't negotiable," I left a heavy sigh and took all the courage to face my mom. I fought my trembling legs and stood straight. My visions were blurry to even see the look in her face or understood what she was thinking. But I believe I could no longer change their decisions.

"Let me negotiate something else," I pleaded. This is the only thing I know.

"What are you thinking, Zee?"

I smiled a little. "You took my freedom to love, but please don't take away my right to choose what I really want." I wiped my tears, but they won't stop. Uh, it's not these tears that would help me. Crying would never do any good in this family.

"Let me take medicine instead of law," I made that clear.

"What!?" she yelled in shock. Of course, she never thought her daughter would want that. They never asked. It was only my brother who asked what I wanted.

I sometimes hated my brother for being my brother.

"Let me take medicine instead of law." My voice cracked a little. "I promise to be that good girl who will always agree to what you are going to say. Just let me go to med school." I raised my right hand to say a promise even though it won't help at all.

"If not." I raised my brow and glared at my mother. "You have to expect that your only daughter will leave home and be with the man he truly likes."

"You can never do that," she smirked.

Am I always the good girl? Is that how they think of me? They must have been very proud, until now.

"Why can't I?" I mocked her for the first time, and I hated myself for doing that. "Remember, I am your daughter."

She was piercing her eyes against mine. Her lips twitched a little and I saw the anger as she closed her fist.

This was actually a gamble.

"So Mom, take it or leave it?"

My tears already run dry when I reached the playground. I sat on the swing and slowly moved my feet away from the ground. I could no longer feel my eyes as it felt numb from too much crying. My breathing wasn't stable and my chest hurt like hell.

It was after a minute when Aae appeared in front of me. Without saying hi, hello, or explaining something he begged, "Don't you wanna work it out?"

"What?" I pretended like I don't know what he was talking about.

He bent his head a little. "Fall in love with each other."

I watched his eyes turn to the side. One second it seemed serious, another second it was pleading, and eventually, it became the eyes that appeared broken.

"I wanna fall in love, Aae," I answered him. "Love because it is there, not because I needed to."

I always viewed love as something amazing. I always wanted to have a love that happens so unexpectedly and comes with uncertainty. I always believed it to be a sweet accident. But I guess, it was just one of my many illusions. I doubt if it was even real. It felt like love was just a pain in the ass.

"Don't you wanna give me a chance?" He bit his lower lip as he placed his palm at the back of his head, afraid to meet my gaze.

I felt a bit of guilt. He might think I hate him. It isn't that, it was just I really don't want to turn my marriage into this. I wanted to choose the man I would marry.

Isn't it the right thing to do?

"Aae you are clearly, and exactly my type. I supposed I did have a crush on you," I confessed.

It was a crush that somehow turned into a platonic kind of love.

"But you like Zack better than me." He inched his brow as his eyes focused on the ground.

"I've liked Zack since I was in 7th grade," I answered honestly.

I was afraid to confess it to Zack. I was afraid it might ruin our friendship. Now, my regrets and what-ifs were killing me.

I guess it wasn't meant to. I just thought that if we were together now, we'll definitely get hurt because there was no way we could stop this wedding.

Unless we elope. Should we?

"I thought it would vanish because I got a crush on you. I really do admire you, but it isn't something about love. I admire you because I see my brother in you. I feel my brother in you so I got curious." I explained.

I've been thinking about what I feel about him since we first met. I got confused for a moment that I even asked my therapist about it. But eventually, I learned that it wasn't loved. It was the fact that I see my brother in him, so I got curious.

"You are saying you can't like me back?" He sounded offended and hurt. He bit his lower lip and sighed.

"Aae, I don't know. I'm just not ready for something like this. I don't want anyone telling me what to do. Isn't that also unfair to you if I try to like you because I needed to?"

Honestly, I no longer know what I felt. It felt like my feelings were no longer mine since.

"Okay, then. Let me make you in love with me. How about that?" He made that clear as his eyes locked mine.

I left my jaw dropped in shock. I didn't expect that. "Aae, that's-"

He stared at me waiting for what I would say but I couldn't find the words.

"Let me make you in love with me, Zee. I will do everything to cease the wedding until you decide you wanna be with me... forever."

"You can't just stop the wedding like that." I shook my head. My family has always been firm in their decisions.

"Then I should make you in love with me before the wedding," Aae formed a curve on his lips, and I recognized the certainty in his eyes.

"What if, what if I never fall?" I couldn't help but ask.

"I will be the one to cancel the wedding. I promise." His voice was about to crack yet he managed to make a smile.

"Are you sure about this?" I asked.

"Are you sure about this?" He mimicked me.

"What if I really did-"

"My feelings are mine. Your feelings are yours." He focused his eyes on mine and I had to look away. "You just have to tell me what you really feel. No lies. Just that."

Wait, did he really fell for me?

Aae...

"What if it took years, a lot of time, for me to love you?" I wagged my head. I'm not even sure if it will work. I don't want us to get hurt. I don't want him to get hurt.

"I told you I don't wanna have any regrets," he tilted his head as he beamed a smile. The wind slowly blows his hair to the side.

"Please, I don't want you to be someone I will regret not having at the end," he said full of determination. The more I look at him, the more I realize how serious he is.

"I just don't want us to both get hurt at the end."

Sorry, I'm cynical and hopeless.

"What is love when there is no pain, Zee?"

"Aae..."

"Please, don't be one of my many what-ifs. Let me do this," he seriously whispered, enough for me to understand the pain in his voice.

How unfortunate it was when he doesn't want me to become his what if, while me thinking how I don't want Zack to be my what if.

"Zee, promise me one thing."

"What?" I narrowed my eyebrows. I think it would take me another hour to process everything. My mind couldn't handle everything now. I felt like it's gonna explode in a minute.

I almost cried again when he told me, "Don't lose yourself trying to love me. Just let it be."

He did clearly knows how to make me speechless. Aae left after seconds of silence. I no longer know what to tell him nor no longer wanted to talk to him.

I don't know. I still don't know. I couldn't think much. I just sat there, swayed myself, stared at my feet.

What should I do?

What would I tell Zack?

What would he do?

What would my brother do?

What would my brother say if he was here?

What if he was here?

I wanted to see him, hug him, tell him everything, rant about everything, cry my lungs out. I wanted to spend even just one more day with him. Just one day, and maybe I would be free. I wanted to let myself free from my brother. I wanted to just remember all the happy thoughts and forget the worst day. I just wanted to see him just once. Then maybe if I did, I would finally be okay. I would finally---

Wait...

I looked for my phone inside my pocket and searched for the contact number of the person who received an organ from my brother.

I never cared about it before because I don't want to see whoever the person was. I'm not ready to face my brother. I was afraid of him and it would make me missed him more.

Yet now, I felt like I needed to know. I felt like this was the time where I could let go of his memories if I've seen the person who was given life. Maybe, I could be friends with him - or I don't know. Just let my anger out? I've been wanting to do that.

Should I do it? I thought for a second until I dialed the number.

"Hey, Uhm hi, it's Zee Zamora," I greeted as soon as it was answered by the person on the other line.

What should I say -

"Zee, are you okay?"

I paused for a moment until his voice registered in mine. I wrinkled my brows. Did I dial the wrong number?

"Why do you have this number?"

"It's my number." he quickly replied.

My jaw literally dropped.

"Zee, hey?"

No, how could it be?

I checked the number again after recovering from the shock. I saved this number as 'my brothers' and not under his name. I don't even know his number. Why?

"C-can you see me at the playground...again? " I mumbled.

My hands were shaking again as I waited for him. I brushed my hair out of irritation until the wind brought his chocolate smell unto my senses.

"Why, is there anything wrong?" Aae was holding his breath and was covered with sweat. He wiped those sweat behind his ears as I closely stared at his eyes.

"Are your eyes...always been hazelnut?"

He raised an eyebrow.

"No lies," I begged, trying to calm myself.

I saw the hesitation in his eyes before he wagged his head.

"What happened?"

"Zee." He bent his head a little before he sighed. "I received eye surgery."

"Why?" I asked again, trying to confirm what I was thinking. My chest was pounding so hard. I couldn't hide the tremble of my lips.

"You got into an...accident?" I hardly breathe.

He bit his lower lip and nodded. "I was drunk driving, wasted, and..."

"And?" I stood up. "Look at me!" I yelled. "And...what?"

"I was supposed to bump into a car but he turned left, saving me from too much impact though I still got fractured bones, and got blind because of the..." He cupped his face with his hands and he was trembling as I was.

"Do you know who your...donor is?" I bit my lower lip. I was hoping he would say no. I would gladly be happy if he doesn't know.

Yet...

"It's the guy...driving the car," he said as he bit his lower lip, and blood started to drip from it. "Your brother..."

I smiled a little as my eyes turned darker.

"When did you find out?"

"When I woke up." He blew air from his mouth as he clutched to his chest. "I got curious, found you, and decided to look after you." His voice cracked a little.

"To look after me?" I cupped my mouth. I wanted to scream but I couldn't find my voice again. I was tired of this life. I wanted to be at peace.

"You know what." I gasped. "I've been wanting to curse that motorcycle driver!" I glared at him.

He avoided my gaze. He looked down, biting his lips. I could smell the taste of blood from it.

"I thought you died," I screamed and eventually fell on my knees.

"Zee." I felt the heat of his palm on my arms.

I pushed him away. "It is because of you...if you weren't drunk, and were on the right lane..." I sobbed in anguish. "My brother would...my brother..." I facepalm. I bit my fingers to stop myself from screaming.

I couldn't literally breathe.

"I'm sorry," he whispered as he caressed my back.

It must be the reason, that's why I felt my brother in him.

"You don't know how much I wanted to kill you, right now...I just can't believe that...that my brother even saved the person who killed him."

"I'm sorry, it was an accident," he pleaded. He placed his palm on his mouth when I tried to push him away. I could hear him sobbed.

"Yeah, it is...but if you had been responsible, an accident would never happen!" I mumbled.

Why? Why?

Why is there so much pain in just a day?

I thought that if I saw the person who received something from my brother I would be happy. But I just couldn't, I couldn't even look him in the eye.

"I'm sorry," he repeated again, and I hated it.

"My family knew right?"

He nodded in hesitation.

"Congratulations! My family just found you as a replacement for my brother." I cried with sarcasm.

"Zee..."

I gulped. Should I stop breathing air? Should I let my tears block the passageway to stop my lungs from functioning and eventually my heartbeat?

"I...can't believe that every time I will stare at you...I would remember my brother, knowing it was you the reason...don't you know how much it hurts?" I bit my close fits until I sipped blood. I couldn't stop the tears that I had to pull my hair, hit my head...and uh!

I wish at this moment, I'm dead.

"Zee, stop that!" Aae shouted as he held my wrists. "Can you just look at the bright side, that-"

I pulled my wrists away and inhaled air but there was too much liquid in my nose that I had to breathe in my mouth.

I had to pull my strength up because the gravity seems to be pulling me down. I steadied myself while trying to balance the emotions crawling up my sleeve.

"That what, we lost some things to find new beginnings?" I smirked. He tried to help me stand straight but I pushed him away.

I almost stumbled but managed to hold the chain on the swing.

"Sorry, Aae..." I shook my head. "I'm just a human who is still living with that trauma...I am that g-girl who still can't get over her brother's death because she missed the family she once called home," I sobbed. I couldn't believe I could cry liters of tears.

"Now..." I strengthened my back to face him. "How do you expect me to fall in love with you...when you are the reason why the first guy who made me feel loved...died." I smiled a little as tears continue to fell from my eyes.

"If blaming me would make you feel better, blame me for the rest of your life. Just please, stop blaming yourself too!" His lips were twitching as he began to cry.

"It won't make me feel better...Aae." I moved my head to say no. Nothing could make me feel better, knowing you lied to me.

"What would make you feel better?" He let his tears flow from his eyes as he avoided my gaze, and he suddenly became scared of what he might hear next.

"Do you remember what you told me before?" I asked. "When I told you...your eyes remind me of someone that makes me happy and sad at the same time?"

He nodded. "Does it makes you just sad now?"

I answered with a nod.

The silence was so deafening, different from the silence we used to share that I had to make my way out first before I totally broke down.

"So do me a favor, and make me less sad."