Chapter 15: Chapter 15

Song: Without Me by Halsey

NATHAN'S P.O.V

I don't know what I'm doing....I don't....I don't know what to do without you...

Over and over Lunar's words replay in my head like a broken record as I head home after dropping Emily.

I shouldn't have kissed her.

Dammit.

She drew a line and no matter how much she was vulnerable or needing someone or looking at me like that, I should have resisted.

I shouldn't have crossed that fucking line...No matter how much I miss her.

I don't know what to do without you....

Without you....

Without you....

What does this mean? That she misses me? She wants me back?

I shake the thought out of my head as I unlock my apartment and enter inside.

I can't believe I was about to spill out my feelings for her, right there in the restaurant.

What a mess that would have been.

'Lunar, I just want to say that I miss you. I miss you and I know you're still thinking about my past and how difficult it is to forget....I know it's hard for you to trust me....I know I built everything we had on lies and secrets. But if you give me a second chance, a chance to start over, I promise to make it better. To make us better. To be completely honest with you every single day.'

I can already imagine how much her expression will change to anger, how she'll burst into tears and I'll feel like the worst jerk alive.

How she'll tell me I'll never understand.

Which is true.

I don't. But I'm trying.

LUNAR'S P.O.V

I watch Nathan drive away and I stand, prisoner to the spot.

God, what is wrong with me?

Why did I do that?

Why did I say that?

Because it's true....

My little evil conscience tells me and I push it off my mind as I get into the car but it grows back like a stubborn weed.

'I just want to say---"

And he never finished that sentence, yet somehow I knew he wanted to say something about us, about his feelings....

"Or maybe you're just being paranoid and wishing that's what he was actually going to say." I mutter to myself as I park my Audi outside the dorm and get inside the building.

I want to to regret kissing him so bad...

I want to regret pouring out my emotional feelings for him out there in the parking lot....

I want to regret going to his table...but I can't. I can't because deep down I know I wanted--no--needed to do all that.

Just like I need him.

Need his protective hugs.

Need his laughter.

His smile and his corny jokes and amazing recipes.

"Soooo......how did it go?" Tess asks as I walk into the room and flop on my bed, my eyes on the ceiling.

"Shane Carter walked out on me in the middle of the date just because I said I wasn't ready to be his girlfriend and I kissed Nathan in the parking lot." I say almost remotely, my mind wandering back to Nathan.

"What? How come?" She asks, appearing above me now and I shift my gaze to her.

"Are you talking about Nathan or Shane?" I ask and she rolls her eyes.

"Of course Nathan. Shane Carter is a jerk." She says and I sigh as I sit up now.

"Well, like I said Shane walked out, Nathan's little niece asked me to share a table with them, I walked them to their car and..." I trail off as I shrug, avoiding her observant eyes.

"It was all so emotional and next thing I know I'm crying and he's holding me and I missed that, missed him and I'm blurting my feelings like a school girl and then....I kissed him." I admit and take off my earrings.

Tess is silent for a while.

"Are you okay?" She asks sincerely and I force a laugh.

"I'm fine." I say but there are tears clouding my eyes.

"Lu...." she touches my shoulder and I shrug it off.

"I'm fine. I need to shower." I say and head for my wardrobe. I open it and the sight that has been greeting me for the past two months stays there, haunting me.

Nathan's jacket.

Every time I opened the wardrobe and saw it, I had tried to pretend it wasn't there.

Or that it wasn't his.

But today I can't, the scent of him still haunts me after that tender hug,...after that moment on the parking lot.

From the corner of my eye, I can see Tess eyeing me and I quickly change to a towel and head for the bathroom.

In the shower, I let the thoughts creep into my mind and draw tears to my eyes.

It had taken me just a few days to get over Lucas...but it's been two months now and I can't get over Nathan.

If anything, the opposite has happened.

I wasn't miserable or meaningless...but he just completed everything. Like the cherry on top a sundae or the marshmallows on hot cocoa.

Till now, I didn't know what it felt like to be completely comfortable with who you have become and still need someone to share that feeling with and everything else.

By the time I get back to the room, Tess is fast asleep on my bed, probably tired out from waiting for me and I open my wardrobe again.

It's still there.

The jacket.

This time I bring it out and hold it close, like I'm hugging it....reliving the hug from the parking lot and I know I can't hold this any longer.

Nathan made mistakes....Like we all do. And everything he did, every fault he realised made him into the amazing guy I know....shaped him into who he is.

So in the end, I fell for all of him.

I get out a paper now and begin to write, because my shame wouldn't let me say in person that I judged him.

And there, in the middle of my room, a quarter to 10pm, I pour out my feelings.

'Dear Nathan...'

It takes a full thirty minutes to compose the letter in a way that I'm sure will show my feelings and remorse and everything, but I'm done.

And I slip it into the pocket of his jacket.

***

NATHAN'S P.O.V

"Do you miss her?" Fred asks and I look down at him from where I'm changing the bulb in his garage.

"Who?" I ask after fixing it in place and coming down from the step ladder.

"The girl from last night." He says simply as if he was there and I frown at him.

"How did you--"

"Emily told me." He says nonchalantly as he exposes his daughter's secret and I chuckle.

"Of course." I say and move the ladder to the next faulty bulb, my older brother hot on my heels.

"Of course, as in, of course you miss her?" He asks and I remain quiet.

Partly because I wasn't ready to talk about Lunar, ever since I noticed that when I start...I can't stop.

And partly because I know he can read right through me like a book.

"You have tell your daughter about Uncle Nate's privacy." I joke and he laughs.

"She can't help being in the scene when you guys are making out." He says, laughing and I turn to him.

"How did she know there was something going on?" I ask and he shrugs.

"She said you looked sad when you mentioned the girl's name in the car. And nervous when you saw her." He says and I grab the paint bucket and brush from the corner.

"It's nothing, okay? I met a girl and I fucked up and now she won't talk to me." I say and dip the brush into the paint.

"Come on, Nathaniel. I'm just concerned about you, and so is Emily." He says and I sigh as I turn to him.

"Yes. I miss her." I say and he smiles a little.

"I miss her everyday and I can't do anything about it and last night....last night she said some pretty emotional things and I got carried away." I admit and he has his hands in his pocket, watching me.

"She sounds great. You should invite her over for dinner." He says and I could laugh.

"What? No. Didn't you hear what I just said?"

"Not really, but I listened. And all I got is that the both of you have some pretty emotional feelings to air out and sort things out but no one wants to take the first step." He says and I go back to painting.

"Believe me the last thing she wants is to sort things out or come for dinner with my family." I say and he smiles.

"You haven't spoken about a girl in ages. You think I'm just going to let this go?" He teases and I sigh defeatedly.

"Please Fredrick....I can't...."

"Talk to her, at least. It would solve a lot more than you know." He says and leaves the garage.

*****

'It would solve a lot more than you know....'

Fred's words echo in my head as I watch Lunar sitting ahead of me in class while the professor rounds up.

The weekend was over and it was time to make an attempt.

Talk to her.

The class ends and before I get up, to my surprise, Lunar walks towards me.

"Hey." She says, looking everywhere but me.

"Hi, I was just about to--"

She shoves my jacket in my face before I can finish and suddenly I feel I've already lost.

She didn't come to talk, only to return my jacket....more signs that she doesn't want anything to do with me.

"Lunar, please--"

"Just take it." She says.

"But I want you to have it."

"Take it....please." she says, her voice cracking at the end as she looks up at me finally and I can see the tears in her eyes.

I take the jacket now,

"I'm sorry--"

"Don't." She says and smiles.

"Bye, Nathan."

And she is gone.

****

"Some attempt that was." I mutter as I throw the jacket into the passenger seat and start the car.

I can't help thinking that if I had persuaded to talk to her, she would have run away or yelled at me.

The last thing she wants is to sort things out.

And the thought remains with me until I get to the apartment.

If only I had a chance to talk....

Or explain...

Or at least know what she is thinking.

I drop the keys and the jacket on the couch as I head for the bedroom and just then...

Slipping out of the pocket is the clean edge of a folded paper, the white contrasting against the dark blue of the cloth.

I walk over and pull it out and the letters on it are boldly spelt out....

Nathan.

Frowning, I open it and my breath catches.

"Dear Nathan,

I messed up. I don't know what I was thinking when I ended things...I thought it would make me feel better. I thought that if I judged you and let you go that somehow I would be justifying on behalf of Logan.

I made you suffer....I made us suffer for a mistake that you're not proud of. I guess I was looking for a reason to make you hurt the way I was hurt....but you've been hurting all these years already. Dealing with the guilt and not knowing how to go about it and I just made it worse.

The truth is I forgave you right from the very first time you apologised but I didn't want to believe I could let it go so easily. I was selfish and I judged you when in reality...we all make mistakes.

And my mistake was letting you go.

I miss you.

I need you.

I crave you and every amazing thing about you.

I couldn't say this to you in person because I'm so ashamed of how I reacted.

It took me long to write this...but it didn't take me this long to realise that your mistakes only made you to the amazing person I fell for.

Well, I guess I've said it all....but just to make it clear....

I WAS WRONG IN OVERREACTING AND I MISS YOU.

I hope you can forgive me for acting irrationally.

Remember when you said that if I ever needed anything....that I could reach out to you?

Well, all I need is you.

I miss you Nathaniel.

Sincerely, Lunar."