Chapter 13: Chapter 13

NATHAN'S P.O.V

I'm sitting in front of Lunar's dorm, waiting for her to come back from wherever she must have gone to.

She isn't inside, that much I know. But after she fled from me in class, I don't know where else she would go.

But she has to come back.

She just has to.

The flowers I got for her remain in the passenger seat next to me and I stare at them.

I should have gotten more lillies.

Suddenly, the bunch of a dozen lillies doesn't look big enough. But that's not the point.

It wasn't about surprising her or making her smile.

It was about accepting my wrong and hoping she'll forgive me....even if I know she won't.

My phone starts ringing, startling me and I stare at it hesitantly until I catch sight of the name.

Lunar.

"Lu." I pick on the second ring, relieved that she called me.

But the sniffling on the other side of the phone drowns my hopes immediately.

And what's worse is that I know it's not her.

"Hello?"

"Nathan. It's Tess, Lunar's friend." A girls voice says through the phone between sniffs.

"Is everything okay?"

"You have to come to the hospital. It's Lunar....She had an accident. The doctors say she's going to....."

Tess is still talking but her voice is blanked out by a loud whistling noise as the shock of her news take effect.

Lu had an accident.

Oh God, no.

Please no.

This is all my fault.... I did this to her.....

"What hospital?" I can barely hear myself.

"Saint Lilly's." She says and I start the car.

"I'm on my way."

***

LUNAR'S P.O.V

I wake up to bright lights that seem to be directly over my face and adding to the splitting headache I have.

"Urgh." I groan, blinking rapidly and the lights reduce to a calmer glare.

My eyes adjust to the white room as I take in the appearance.

White walls, white lights, white bedsheets and blankets.

"I'm in a hospital." I murmur as I look at the line inserted into my arm and I feel the bandage on midsection.

"Fuck." I groan at the pain that shoots around my torso.

"Oh good, you're awake." A nurse says as she walks in, smiling at me. Her calm tone and easy smile oozing off her like a flower scent near a sewer.

"I think there's been a mistake. I can't be in a hospital, it was just a small hit on my car." I say despite the pain and despite knowing I am wrong.

It wasn't a small hit.

I remember screaming and the car losing control.

The nurse smiles gently as she makes small notes then fluffs my pillow.

"The doctor will be in to explain everything. Don't you worry, okay? Just rest that pretty head of yours." She says and leaves the room.

A few minutes later and a red head lady walks in carrying a file.

"Lunar Kensington. How are you feeling?" She asks as she checks my temperature and the line.

"I'm fine, really."

"No pains?" She asks and I shake my head, No.

Still she expertly presses two fingers to my side and I groan out loud.

"Nice try, but you're gonna be here a while."

"A while? How long is a while?"

"Depends on how fast the pains go. You had a mild concussion and broke two ribs but apart from that you're fine. We'll keep our eyes on you for a couple days or more." She says as she makes notes on the file.

"Headaches?" She asks and I nod, admitting it.

"It's normal. The nurse will bring in your medication soon but in the meantime, your friends are here to see you. But only for a few minutes." She says as she injects something into the line.

"This will help with the pain." She says after she is done and leaves.

Friends?

Tess's name was the only one I put on my phone to call in time of emergency.

The minute the doctor walks out, Tess walks in and rushes to my side.

"Lunar, you scared the shit out of me. I was so scared when I got the call, I didn't know what to do. You left in such a hurry I thought you drove into a truck or something." She says tears stinging her eyes.

"Well technically the truck drove into me." I joke, trying and failing to sit up.

"It's not funny. And stay still, the doctor said you need a lot of rest." She says adjusting my blanket and I sigh.

"I'm fine. I'm just glad to see you." I say and she smiles.

"Good. Because I had no idea what happened when you left and I called Nathan after the hospital called me because---"

"Wait, you did what?" I ask, disbelieving.

"I called Nathan. I thought he would like to see you---"

"No. No, no, no, no, no. I don't want to see him, I can't....." My voice trails off as Nathan walks in holding flowers.

"Hey, Lu." He says and tears cloud my eyes at how soft his voice is, how innocent he looks yet how much pain he has caused.

"Please go away." I say, my voice quivering.

"I know I'm the last person you want to see..."

"Go. Away." I say, tears rolling down my face and Nathan stops in his tracks.

"Okay." He says and drops the flowers on the bed.

"I'll be here if you change your mind. I just want to talk." He says and then he leaves and I let the tears come.

"I don't want to see him." I cry to Tess and she nods in an understanding nature.

"I'm sorry...I didn't know." She says softly caressing my shoulder as I drift off to sleep.

*****

"You know I can feed myself perfectly, right?" I say with a mouthful as Tess holds the lemonade glass to my lips and I sip from it.

"I'm fine." I say after swallowing but she still puts the ham sandwich to my face and I take a bite.

"Well, I'm following the doctor's orders." Tess says stubbornly.

"Doctor Crain said I need to rest, not to be pampered."

"Uh-huh. Here." She puts the last of the sandwich into my mouth.

I had been in the hospital for a day and a half now, and frankly, I'm not a fan of lying down all day and doing nothing.

"You know...." Tess begins after I finish my lemonade,

"Nathan is still out there." She says and I look away.

"Okay." Is all I say and Tess sighs.

"Come on, Lu. You have to see him."

"No. No, I don't have to see him. And I won't."

"Why not?"

"Because I can't face him." I say, hating the way mentioning Nathan brings tears to my eyes.

"You have no idea what it feels like to look at someone you thought you once knew and see someone entirely different." I say and angrily wipe at my tears.

"I can't imagine what you are going through after finding out like that, but I'm not saying you have to forgive him. Just hear him out, please. You already broke up with him...He has nothing else to lose and yet he is still here." Tess begs and I look at her.

"Please." She adds and I sigh.

"Okay." I say and she smiles.

I watch her leave the room and Nathan walks in after a while. His thick, black mop of hair is slightly ruffled, and his beards are still neatly shaved against his cheekbones.

He has on a maroon t-shirt and grey jacket with black trousers, and still looks better than ever.

I watch Nathan walk to me carefully, almost as if he is expecting me to attack or change my mind, but I remain quiet as I sit up, ignoring the faint pain on my side.

"Lu." He says softly as he sits on the chair next to my bed.

"How are you feeling? Are you okay? Has the pain reduced?"

"I'm fine." I say, trying not to hug him and tell him how much I missed him and needed him.

I only miss the Nathan I knew.

The Nathan that didn't exist.

"Lunar, I...." he trails off and sighs.

"I just want you to listen, okay? I am not here to defend myself or my actions. I just need you to know the full story. Yes, Lucas was right, we bullied Logan. I teased him and called him names and pushed him around...we all did. Yes I had a massive crush on you. I loved everything about you but Logan started dating you and I swear after I found out I stopped. I didn't want to do anything that would hurt you or your relationship with him. In fact, after that, I saw how happy you made him and how easily you accepted him and I felt like shit. Here I was liking the most amazing girl and she just easily accepts this guy despite his sexuality and I just knew I didn't deserve you." Nathan says and I keep staring.

Somehow I know he is telling the truth.

And every word of the story toys with my emotions.

"I tried to get them to stop, I even backed out of the whole bullying thing. I never got involved, but since I wasn't showing any interest Lucas swooped in. He didn't want Logan to have the last laugh and he wanted to date you just to prove that he could. So he gathered the rest of the guys to ambush Logan the day before he died."

"I don't even know what to believe anymore, how am I supposed to know you're saying the truth?" I say, my voice shaky.

"Lunar please, you know I would never lie to you at this point. They bullied Logan to get him to stay away from you and that's when he killed himself. I tried to tell you, you were in so much pain, you stopped coming to school for weeks and I just had to get rid of the guilt and tell you but by the time you came back to school you were with Lucas. I was the one that asked him to stay away from you. I was the one that said I would expose what made Logan kill himself. I was the one that knew you weren't ready. But Lucas wanted you all to himself. He thought he won some sort of game by getting you and he said if I said anything to you, he would tell you about how we all bullied Logan initially."

"And that was how the deal came up." I say and he sighs and nods.

"It had nothing to do with sleeping with you. We just agreed to never interfere with whichever one of us dates you and the secret will be safe."

"So to protect your sick secret, you guys just passed me around like a commodity. Taking turns in dating me." I say, unable to stop the tears and Nathan drops to his knees.

"It was stupid. It was so stupid and I felt like shit every time I remembered that stupid deal. I felt like the worst fool on earth. Nothing could erase the guilt I felt. I did it thinking I was protecting my image in your eyes, so you wouldn't know what I did but I'm a jerk. I was wrong, I was just part of this stupid group in highschool that made me feel popular or big and I used it to prey on others. That was my mistake, my fault, that insecurity that turned into an unchecked rage and I bullied someone just for not fitting in. I try to make it right by going to his grave every anniversary of his death but telling you now, at least I can admit it openly to you. You're the closest I have to Logan and I can admit it to you and apologise.  Lunar, I am SO SO SORRY. For Logan, the deal, the secrets and dating you in spite of all that. I'm sorry." He says and I wait for the rest of his apology.

Please forgive me...

But it doesn't come. He doesn't ask for forgiveness and it's then I see it. He just wants to know he has finally admitted his wrong even though he knows I might never forget or forgive him.

Which is ironic.

Because somehow, hearing his story, his admission of guilt and his apology...I feel like I have.

I want to open my mouth, to tell him that I have,...But I can't. It's more than that. We can't go back to being in a relationship or even being friends. Everything about us was built on a lie and secrets.

Nathan gets up now and takes my hands in his.

"I know you can't take me back,...And that's fine. But know that if you ever need anything...anything....you can always call me and I'll be here. Goodbye Lunar."

And Nathan turns and walks out.

Out of the hospital.

Out of my life.