Chapter 29: Chapter 29

(cont. Anna)

The past three weeks have been incredible. My mom and I have finally started building a relationship and I’ve come to find out and that she is actually really cool. She seems lighter now, her stern features have relaxed, and I have to admit, that she is actually kind of pretty. I’ve learned so much about her, what she was like at my age, her interests, her sense of humor. I didn’t used to think she even had a sense of humor, but she does. Getting to know her these past few weeks, I have found it easy to see why my father would have fallen for her and I have found it difficult to understand why he would leave her for another.

We’ve spent time together, gone shopping, gotten our nails done, typical mother/daughter stuff that I always craved but was too stubborn to ever accept from her. I told her all about my relationship with Daniel and I finally invited him over to meet her. She made dinner for us and we had a great time. He and my mother really hit it off and I could tell that she is very happy that I found someone like him to spend my life with. I regret not doing all of this sooner, but I am lucky it is happening now. Better late than never.

My next goal is to make amends with my sister. I haven’t seen Celeste since the day of the crash. She is currently awaiting trial, along with two other girls from our school, Isabel Martin and Jenna LaChapelle, who apparently had something to do with convincing her to murder me. I don’t really know those two girls, aside from having a class or two with them. Dan has known Isabel since they were children, so he was shocked to learn this information, but the more that the cops dug into the case the more they found out about her and how obsessed she had secretly been with Dan. So, the theory is that she wanted me dead so that she could have a chance with him and pushed Celeste to run me over. As for Jenna, I don’t know what her deal is. I guess we will soon find out at the trial.

I will be testifying, to vouch for Celeste. I am going to come clean about my part in all of this. I don’t want Celeste to suffer in prison because of all of the terrible things I did to push her to that point. She shouldn’t have tried to kill me and the man she killed deserves justice, but I am not innocent in all of this and if I can help her get her time lessened, I will do what it takes. Having a relationship with my mother has made me realize how great it would be to have one with my sister too. I think we both deserve that.

I’m still smiling to myself as I drift off to sleep, thinking of the wonderful night I had with Daniel. It’s like a huge weight has been lifted off of my shoulders finally allowing him to visit my home whenever he wants. I fall into a peaceful sleep, which turns into the most realistic dream…

I am in bed with him, feeling his touch, his lips. It’s my first time and his. Neither of us have ever been this close to anyone before. He breathes my name into my ear in pleasure, “Mirjana…” I kiss him deeply and look right into his beautiful eyes, whispering his name back to him. “Radjan… I love you.”

Looking into his eyes is like looking into a portal of our entire relationship. I knew I felt a spark for him since the first time I saw him, even if it was too soon for me to feel anything then. It felt like love at first sight, even if I wouldn’t admit that to myself at first. Watching him practice after school was exhilarating. He was more than good, he was fantastic. He moved across the court so gracefully. I couldn’t help but stay and watch him. I laugh even now remembering the stunned look on his face when he asked me who I was watching, and I admitted that it was him.

I flashback to that first time he almost confessed his feelings to me, while we were dancing. I see the both of us standing at the basketball court while I confessed my feelings to him. I can feel our first touch, taste our first kiss. Radjan… my Radjan.

There’s more to our story, a part I don’t like to think about…

I remember feeling so tired, so weak. I remember feeling like I was fading away. That last time I saw him he was in the hospital bed crying. He had found out the truth about me. That I was nothing more than a ghost, a spirit. I hadn’t really realized it myself until then. Or I had, but I was in denial. I pushed away those moments of clarity and I forced myself to forget so that I could enjoy the time I had with my Radjan, but the more I stayed, the weaker I became.

He had begged me to stay. He tried to hold me, to touch me, but he couldn’t. I was too weak already. He promised he would bring me back, but I knew it was an empty promise. He couldn’t possibly to do that, could he?

“Mirjana…” I hear his voice again and I am suddenly transported back into his arms, looking into his eyes.

“Radjan…” I whisper, touching his face.

“I promised I would bring you back,” he says, with a sad smile on his face.

“Radjan, what did you do?” I ask, alarmed.

“I’ll always love you,” he says softly, then leans down and gives me a tender kiss. “Be happy.”

“What?” I ask, feeling panicked. He doesn’t answer and before I can ask again, I start to feel him fading away from me. I try touching his face and my hand goes right through him.

“Radjan!” I exclaim, sobbing. “No! Don’t leave me!”

But I know it’s too late. My cries won’t ever bring him back. He waited too long to show himself to me, to remind me of our love story. I instantly know why he did this, he didn’t want me to do something crazy and save him too. He didn’t want me to undo everything he’s done for me.

“Radjan!” I cry. “I love you.”

***

I wake up sobbing. I remember everything so clearly. I died! I was supposed to be dead! How am I here?

I look down at my hands. They’re warm, solid, the hands of a living person. How am I alive? I know that I died that day. I can remember Celeste’s frightened face as she hit me with her car…

But now I also have another memory: Celeste’s car hitting Radjan. Except I didn’t know it was Radjan when he was hit. I thought he was just some stranger.

What is happening to me? Is my mind making up some weird history between me and the guy who was killed because I feel so guilty over his death?

No, that can’t be. I can feel it in my bones that what I dreamed wasn’t fictional, it was real. It really happened. Radjan and I really happened.

Radjan! I can feel myself choking on my tears. What did he do to bring me back? Some type of sacrifice, I’m sure. His soul for mine. Oh god. I don’t know if this knowledge is meant to free me from my guilt and that’s why he reached out to me in my dreams, but it only complicates things and makes it so much worse. He told me to be happy, as if giving me his blessing with Daniel, but how can I possibly be happy? As much as I love Daniel, I also love Radjan and he is dead and it’s all because of me. How does someone live with that?

My tears won’t stop flowing. I can’t be here right now. Although it’s the middle of the night, I get dressed and walk out the front door. I don’t really know where I’m headed, I just let my feet carry me to where they want to go. Eventually, I end up at school and make my way across the empty parking lot and into the deserted basketball court.

I take a seat at my usual cheering spot and I don’t know how long I sit there, just staring, thinking. Visualizing Radjan on the court, making shot after shot. The star player in that game against Drakonas Academy. The game that hasn’t happened yet and maybe never will without Radjan on the team.

I miss him. I love Daniel. I love him so much. But right now, my heart is really aching for Radjan. I don’t know what kind of person this makes me, but I can’t help how I feel. I’m crying for hours. Eventually I can see the sun rising and hear the distant sounds of people arriving at school, probably just faculty as it is way too early for classes.

“Anna?” I hear Daniel calling my name a few minutes later.

I quickly wipe my tears, so he won’t see me crying, but he’s too fast and too intuitive not to notice.

“Anna, what’s wrong?” he asks, immediately rushing to my side and putting an arm around me. “I tried calling you a bunch of times. Your mom said you were gone already when she called you for breakfast. I’ve been looking everywhere for you.”

“I’m sorry,” I say.

“Hey, you don’t have to apologize,” he says gently. “I’m just worried about you. What’s going on? Why are you crying?”

“I just…couldn’t sleep,” I say. It’s only half of the truth, but I can’t talk to Daniel about what I’ve discovered. Not now, possibly not ever. “I had a really bad dream; I just couldn’t stay at home. I’m sorry I didn’t answer your calls, I must have left my phone.”

“It’s okay,” he says. “Like I said, you really don’t have to apologize Anna, I’m just glad you’re safe. I was really worried something happened to you.” He kisses my cheek and pulls me closer to him. “What did you dream about? Was it the accident again?”

“Yeah, something like that,” I respond.

Daniel stays with me until it’s time for his morning practice, patiently talking to me, trying to cheer me up. He’s such a good guy. He’s really the perfect guy. It makes me feel so much more guilt over what I’m feeling right now for Radjan. I hate the way that I feel right now, like no matter how much I love Daniel, he will never be Radjan. It’s not that Radjan is better than him, he’s just different. They’re two different guys and I love them both so much, equally as much.

I think about what Daniel’s reaction would be like if he knew what I was feeling and I know that it would completely break him. Daniel doesn’t deserve this. I need to figure out how to heal from this, how to move on.

While Daniel is busy at practice, I slip away from the court and go home. Get yourself together, Anna. There’s no use being in love with someone who is long gone…

***

My efforts in getting over Radjan have not been successful at all. Over the past few days, I have tried, but I only feel more desperate and depressed. I keep asking myself how he did it, how he brought me back. I’ve tried everything I could think of, I’ve researched sacrificial spells in the library and even tried one that I found on the internet, but it didn’t work. Nothing works. Radjan had a secret formula to get me back. I don’t know how or what it was, but I know it exists and I feel desperate to find it.

However, I feel more guilt remembering my dream and that feeling I had of knowing he didn’t want me to do the same for him. He sacrificed his life for me. Would it be so inconsiderate of me to undo what he did and bring him back? Probably. Oh, but I’m just so anxious to see him again. To hear his voice. Feel his presence.

I gear up and head out for a run, a hobby I have just picked up about two days ago. I end up running to the same spot every time. Through the trail in the woods and onto the road right outside it. The same road where Radjan was killed. Although I can feel that his spirit has moved on, I can’t help but feel some hope that I might see him there. Don’t ghosts like to linger around the place where they died? I know that mine didn’t, but I mostly didn’t acknowledge that I was dead anyway.

I run and run until I reach the very spot where he died and it’s there that I break down. Sweating, panting, and tired. I lower myself onto my knees and just sob. I know I shouldn’t be kneeling on the road like this. It’s dangerous. I know that more than anyone, but there’s a part of me that doesn’t care if I die. At least then I’d get to see Radjan again.

It isn’t long before Daniel shows up, jogging through that same path in the woods. He knows about my new hobby and has signed up for it too. It might seem like too much, like he’s too clingy or something, but I know he’s just worried. I haven’t been myself over the past few days and no matter how hard I try to hide it, it’s obvious. He doesn’t push me to open up or accuse me of hiding something. He’s just there for me. Patient, kind, understanding.

“Anna…” he says softly, walking over to me and pulling me up off the pavement. “Come on, you can’t stay there, baby, it’s too dangerous.”

“I’m sorry,” I sob into his arms.

He holds me, petting my hair and shushing me. “Stop apologizing, you have nothing to be sorry about.” He cradles my face in his hands and wipes my tears away with his thumbs. “Although you really need to stop doing this to yourself, Anna. Stop punishing yourself for his death. It’s not your fault, no one thinks that.”

I don’t say anything. He doesn’t know the half of what I’m feeling or thinking, and I could never explain it to him. He puts an arm around me starts walking me down the road.

“Come on, let’s get you home.”

***

A few days later, I still haven’t made any progress in moving on from Radjan. I have realized that perhaps I need some validation that all of this was real, or at least some closure, so I decide to go visit his father Sergio and have a talk with him. Sergio was the one other person who was able to see me as a ghost other than Radjan. There is a chance that he remembers me, that he’s had dreams about the past too. I need to speak with him. So, today I am heading over to his apartment and praying for the best.

As I walk onto his street, I can tell right away that something is off. The door to Radjan’s apartment is wide open and two movers are busy carrying furniture out of it and loading it into a big truck that is parked outside. I approach one of them as he is setting down a cardboard box and he turns to me.

“Morning,” he says with a smile. “May I help you with something?”

“Hello, I’m looking for Sergio Carpiniello…” I say. I can tell by the mover’s face that he has no idea who I am talking about. “He lives in this apartment. Or, well, he lived here, I suppose he is moving now. Is there any chance he is still here? I was hoping to speak with him.”

“Oh…” the man says quietly. “Well, jeez, I hate to be the one to break this to you…” he pauses, as if wanting to say my name but not knowing what it is.

“Anna,” I inform him,

“Anna,” he continues. “I hate to be the one to break this to you, Anna, but the guy who lived here passed away about a week ago.”

“What?” I say, shocked. I can’t believe it. Mr. Carpiniello is dead? Oh, my heart aches twice as much for that poor man. I hope he didn’t kill himself over losing Radjan. He was already so sad having lost his wife…

“Yeah, they found his body a few days ago. The neighbors were complaining about a stench…” the mover continues. I wince at this revelation and he instantly regrets being so graphic. “I’m really sorry.” I guess he can read the sadness on my face because he adds, “Hey, all this stuff is really just going to charity. Why don’t you take something to remember your friend by? Anything you want, it’s yours.”

“Thanks,” I say quietly, still in shock.

He gives me an apologetic look and heads back inside to grab more stuff. I take a look around and spot a crate full of some old books and stuff. If I could find something personal to Radjan, a notebook, or a book with his name in it, that would at least help me feel closer to him. I flip through the contents of the crate. There’s a lot of schoolbooks, some cookbooks and an ancient looking black notebook. It’s kind of gross, with its pages yellowed out. This must have been Sergio’s, not Radjan’s. I look further down and finally spot a composition notebook with “Radjan Carpiniello” written on the cover. My heart swells as I pry it out of the crate and look at it.

I instinctively begin to open it and skim through the pages when a gust of wind beats me to it and takes a loose sheet of paper that was inside with it.

“Shoot!” I say, looking in the direction it went. A young guy happens to be passing by and stops the paper from traveling further with his foot. He bends down and picks it up, then walks over to me, holding it out.

“I think you dropped this,” he says.

“Thanks,” I say, taking it and when I look at his face, I am frozen solid. His face is partially obscured by sunglasses, but he is a spitting image of…

“No problem!” he says politely. I can’t help but keep staring. Could it really be him? Is it somehow possible? Radjan did wear shades just like that. In fact, he wore them the day we first met and the guy standing in front of me, looks so much like Radjan on that first day… I am tempted to ask his name, but someone answers the question before it is even asked.

“Jared, is that you?” a man calls from afar.

I don’t get to hear his response because at the same time, Daniel walks over to me.

“There you are!” he says. “Jason said he saw you turning into this street. What are you up to? Are you visiting someone?” He looks up at the apartment with a quizzical look on his face.

“No, not really,” I say. “I just felt like taking a walk and decided on a change of scenery.”

Daniel smiles at me, probably just relieved that I’ve chosen not to go walking on the road today. I tuck the stray sheet of paper back into the notebook and hug it close to my chest, obscuring the name on the cover from Daniel. He puts his arm around me, and we head back towards the direction of my house.

I shoot one more glance over my shoulder at the Radjan lookalike. Maybe I just hallucinated his face into the stranger’s face due to my desperation. The guy’s back is to me now, chatting with the man that called his name. It was crazy to even entertain the thought for one second that he could really be Radjan. I’m silly for being here looking for closure when I think that dream he sent me was his way of giving me closure.

The last words he said to me were “Be happy.” I look over at Daniel right now and decide that that’s exactly what I will do.