Chapter 28: Chapter 28

CHAPTER 27: ETERNAL LOVE

ANNA

I feel so utterly complete.

It’s strange how a day can turn around. What was the most gruesome, traumatic day of my life has become the most beautiful night. Is it wrong to bask in so much pleasure and happiness in the face of such a tragedy? Maybe. But right now, I really don’t care if I’m being selfish. I’m happy. And it feels incredible.

At first, I was not convinced that we should continue with our anniversary plans after what happened earlier today. I felt guilty and shaken, but Daniel was determined. He said that we would only ever get to celebrate our one year anniversary once and that we owe it to ourselves to not let the rest of the day go to waste. I’m really so glad that I let him convince me.

Our date didn’t go exactly as we had planned it. Because we were stuck at the police station for a few hours, we didn’t have time to make it to our dinner reservation, but Dan didn’t let that ruin our evening. Instead of dining at the restaurant, we took our food with us to the treehouse we celebrated our two-month anniversary in. It’s a special place for us and to be honest, it felt more appropriate being there, in the privacy our own little pretend home, than at a crowded restaurant after the hectic day we both had.

We got so lost in each other that it was easy to take the events of the day out of our minds and forget that anything bad ever happened. Daniel laid out a blanket and it was there that I gave him my anniversary gift, the one he never saw coming.

When I started taking my clothes off, he asked me if I was sure this was what I wanted. I told him that I’ve never been so sure of anything in my life, and that’s the honest truth. I thought that losing my virginity would be a big deal, that I would be so nervous I’d embarrass myself or not know what to do, but being there with Daniel, feeling his touch, his kiss and exploring his body with my own lips and hands, it just felt so natural. That feeling of closeness and intimacy with the one person who loves me so completely and unconditionally is incomparable to anything else I’ve ever felt before. I have no regrets; it was a perfect night.

I’m still wrapped in his arms, feeling his gentle kisses when I drift off to sleep. I don’t know how long I’m out for, but when I wake, I wake with a start, gasping for breath and clutching my rapidly beating heart. Daniel sits up next to me and puts his hand on my back.

“Anna, what’s wrong?” he asks, concerned.

“I don’t know,” I say. “I guess I had a bad dream…”

“About what?” he asks.

“I don’t know…” I respond. It’s the truth. I don’t remember what I dreamt about; I mostly remember the feelings associated with the dream. Fear, anxiety, dread. I think Dan can read these emotions on my face because he suddenly looks a bit anxious himself.

“You’re not…regretting what we just did, are you?” he asks. The heartbreak creeping onto his face is enough to break my own heart.

“Oh, Dan, no!” I exclaim, kissing him. “No, it’s not that. I am very happy with how the night turned out. I would never regret it, it was beautiful.” I can’t help but smile remembering all of the details. He kisses me and pulls me into his arms, laying back down.

“Then what is it?” he asks, sounding more relaxed.

“I don’t know,” I say. “I don’t remember what I dreamt about, I just woke up feeling startled.”

“That makes sense after the day you had,” he says softly, “I’m so glad you’re okay, Anna. I don’t know what I’d ever do without you.”

“You keep saying that,” I tease.

It’s true. Even since before the hit and run, Dan has been very sentimental. He claims he doesn’t remember approaching me on the road and acting all emo, but he did. I wonder how he knew I would be in danger in that day. I mean, I’ve walked home along that same road hundreds of times and nothing has ever happened to me. The one day I could have been seriously injured, or even killed, Dan just showed up out of nowhere. I think he must have had a premonition or something. Some gut feeling telling him to come and make sure I’m okay. It’s crazy how connected we are. We’re like twins who can sense each other’s pain, except in this case, it’s sensing when the other is in danger.

“Well, I am,” he replies, kissing my hair. “I love you, Anna. I’m always going to take care of you, I hope you know that. I’ll never let anything bad happen you. I won’t even let you have any more bad dreams,” he says with a smirk.

“Oh, really?” I laugh. “What are you going to do, beat up my nightmares?”

He smiles when I laugh. He always does this, and I think it’s the most endearing thing in the world.

“Something like that,” he winks. “No seriously, I’ll keep you safe and happy, so you’re always at peace when you sleep, and nothing ever disturbs you.”

At this, I smile.

“Why do you love me so much?” I ask.

“I just do,” he says. “I don’t think for anyone in love there is a definitive answer to that question. You love someone because you do. Because you feel that fire in your heart whenever you look at that person or think about them. Real love is a connection between two souls and maybe we don’t know a lot about how all of that stuff works, but we can definitely feel it.” He takes my hand and places it on his chest, directly over his heart. “I really feel that for you, Anna. I love you so much.”

“I love you, Daniel,” I say back.

We lay entwined in each other’s arms for hours and I realize in this moment that in being here with Daniel, I have found my home.

***

It’s almost dawn when Dan and I finally manage to pry ourselves apart from each other and he drives me home. I’ve never let Daniel come inside my house before and as we kiss goodbye in his car, I curse myself for that because I want nothing more than to sneak him up to my room right now. But I can’t risk it. I can’t risk him meeting my mother in that way, even if she isn’t a secret to him anymore. I’m just not ready.

What if he sees her and thinks that I’ll be like her in the future? What if she scares him away? No, I can’t risk it. I already lost one important man in my life thanks to her, I can’t lose Dan too.

“Goodnight, Anna,” he breathes into my ear.

“Goodnight, Dan, I love you,” I say, kissing him one last time before grabbing my purse and opening the car door. “Message me when you get home, okay? I want to make sure you arrived safely.”

“I would have messaged you even if you hadn’t asked me to,” he says with a smirk. “I love you. Happy anniversary, Anna.”

“Happy anniversary,” I say, smiling and heading for the front door. Daniel doesn’t drive away until I’m safely inside the house. It’s something he has always done, ever since we first began dating and I’ve always thought it is so sweet. He really always goes out of his way to protect me in any way that he can. No one has ever gone to those lengths for me before. I really am so lucky to have him.

I turn and blow him a kiss as I open the door and step inside the house. The first thing I do once I’m home is take out my phone, which I had silenced during our date so we would not be disturbed. I want to be able to hear Dan’s message when it comes through. I notice about a dozen missed calls from her. And one from my dad. I’m always sorry to miss a call from him and it is way too late to call him back now, but he’s left me a message, which I eagerly check. To my disappointment, it’s not my dad’s voice that I hear on the recording, but a woman’s.

“Hello, Anna, it’s Michelle… Celeste’s mother,” she has always hesitated to call herself my stepmother. That is not what she is to me. As far as I’m concerned, I don’t have a mother. Not a step or any kind.

“I heard about what happened,” she continues. “Oh, honey, I am so sorry!” She breaks down and I can hear her sobbing through her words. “Celeste told me everything and I can assure you, Anna, she is so full of regret over everything that happened today. I wish that you two could work things out somehow, but I wouldn’t blame you or that poor boy’s parents for pressing charges. No matter what you did, you didn’t deserve what Celeste tried to do to you. I know you may find this hard to believe since we don’t really have much of a relationship, but you are my daughter’s sister and I really care about you. I’ve only wished since forever that you and Celeste would care about each other too. There’s just so much that two of you don’t understand…” she trails off and then sniffles and changes the subject. “Anyway, I want you to know that you if you need anything at all, I’m here for you. Even if you just need someone to talk to. Take care, Anna. Goodbye.”

I feel stunned by her message. I guess I never expected Michelle to be so kind, especially if Celeste really “told her everything”. But then, I never actually made an effort to know her. I always just considered her the whore my father left us for who didn’t want me to live with them. Her message sounds genuine though and I don’t think that this sounds like someone who would want to keep me away from my father. Come to think of it, I can’t recall any instance in which Michelle was ever mean to me. The few times I have interacted with her, it was always me who was being rude while she was making an effort to get to know me. I even remember her having short conversations with my mother at times and they didn’t seem to be arguing or anything.

It’s in this very moment that I realize that the only reason I have a horrible impression of Michelle is because of the things that my father has told me about her. That she doesn’t like me, doesn’t want me to live with them, doesn’t want him to share his time between me and Celeste… he has said similar things about my own mother as well. That she manipulated herself into getting full custody of me, that she is jealous when I spend time with him, that he loves me more, but she is keeping me with her to get back at him.

Where is he now anyway? If he loves me more than anyone else, how come he’s the one that never bothered to call and check up on me? If Michelle has heard about what happened, surely, he has too. Why is his wife taking the time and effort to reach out to me instead of him?

I can feel tears of anger rolling down my cheeks as I realize that deep down, I’ve known the answer to these questions all along. I just never had the guts to admit it to myself. My father doesn’t really love me.

My mother tried to warn me. Not in so many words, she never told me that he didn’t love me. She would warn me that he’s not who I think he is and that I should be careful around him or he will break my heart like he broke hers. I resented her for saying these things. I bullied her. I called her so many names. Things no daughter should ever say to her mother. I believed everything he said about her and I thought she was just jealous that I loved him more than I ever loved her. I blamed her for his abandonment, and I blamed Michelle for his abandonment… but I never blamed him.

If he really loved me so much, why did he leave? And if things just weren’t working out with my mother, why didn’t he fight for me? I’ve known so many kids with divorced parents, some of their parents hate each other to death, but both parents still have strong relationships with their children or they share custody. If my father truly loved me, he would have never let his wife, or my mother keep me from him. I’m his daughter. It’s his right to have a relationship with me, should he want one. I’ve been too delusional to ever face the fact that he just doesn’t. Not during my childhood and not now.

Michelle’s words echo through my mind now. There’s just so much that the two of you don’t understand. I think I’m starting to. I understand that I’ve spent so much time directing anger and hatred towards my mother, Michelle and Celeste when none of them ever deserved it. It was my father who he did me wrong, not them.

When I look back on my life, my mother was never really cruel, just a bit strict. She was always trying to warn me of the dangers of life. My cheeks burn red as I think about how I foolishly interpreted this as her being bitter and hating anything fun in life because she couldn’t get ever being dumped. In reality, I think she was just trying to protect me. I have always refused to open up to her. I never let her in. So, she has forever had to guess what is going on with me and has tried to be there for me the best way that she could, while simultaneously working two jobs to support the two of us. After all, my father never helped pay for my necessities.

He would sometimes swoop me away for a weekend once or twice a year and spend lavishly, spoiling me with whatever I wanted, but he never contributed regularly. Not for food, clothes, or school supplies. He would say my mother was too proud to take money from him. That she preferred I struggle than have to accept his help. When I would see my friends driving their new cars, or wearing their designer clothing, I blamed her for that too. I called her a failure more times than I can count.

I can still remember the hurt look on her face after a particularly nasty argument over a class trip I couldn’t afford to go to a few years back. She was so tired, home after a long shift and still in her work uniform. I told her that I wished she was dead because at least then I might get some life insurance money and actually be able to enjoy life the way my friends do. I was such a cruel, selfish brat. I remember yelling, “But you probably never even bought life insurance, did you? You probably can’t afford it, just like you can’t afford anything else! No wonder dad left you, you’re a total failure! I may not get money when you finally croak, but then I might finally be able to spend some time with my father!”

She hardly ever challenged me when I got so nasty, but in this particular fight, she did. She looked me right in the eye and said, “Call him then, Anna. Go on! Call him and ask him to pay for your trip. While you’re at it, tell him you want to live with him. Do it!” She had grabbed the phone and held it out to me. I just stared at it and then yelled that I hate her and ran up to my room. Deep inside I knew what would happen if I had really called my father, but I wasn’t ready to face it yet. I’m still not really ready to face it now, honestly. But I know that I have to. My bitterness and anger have almost cost me my life. It cost the life of an innocent man today…

It’s my fault that poor guy was run over today. Celeste may have been driving that car, but it was I she meant to hit, not the guy. The truth is, I deserved it. Her mother may say that I don’t, but I really do. I’ve been terrible to her, when she did nothing except exist. She tried to be my sister, to be my friend, but I rejected her for years until she finally stopped trying. I didn’t just leave it at that though. When I found out that we were going to the same school, I made sure I’d make her regret it. I resented her for being Little Miss Perfect. The cheerleader and student body president, with all her perfect little friends. I was miserable with my life and I wanted to make hers miserable too. I thought she didn’t deserve to be happy if I wasn’t.

I stalked, threatened and harassed her. I embarrassed her in front of boys she liked. I offered to tutor Daniel because I knew she had a crush on him. My feelings for him are so real, but my original intention was not. I think I crossed a major line when I took a picture of Michelle and photoshopped it onto a picture of a mutilated corpse…

God, I am so disgusting. I deserved to be hit by that car and I can’t blame her one bit for totally hating my guts. If anyone goes to prison for this crime, it should be me. I am not a good person. I thought for sure Dan would break up with me once he learned the truth about me, but he was very understanding. I can truly feel that he loves me so much. I don’t deserve him; I don’t deserve anything good. Why do good things keep happening to me when I’m the person that least deserves it?

I don’t know if I could ever get over my guilt, but if I really do get a second chance to turn my life around and be a better person, I swear that I am going to take it. I don’t want to live with this anger and bitterness anymore. I don’t want to ruin other people’s lives, and I certainly don’t want to keep ruining my own over someone who doesn’t love me.

I get myself a glass of water from the kitchen and head up the stairs, seeing my mother standing at the landing in her nightgown.

“Anna, where have you been?” she asks, sounding more relieved than angry. “I’ve called you so many times. I heard about what happened. Are you all right?”

She sounds so concerned and she looks so tired and frail. My tears pour out hard. I rush up the remaining stairs and do something that I haven’t done in years, possibly not since I was a little baby: I give my mother a hug. She is stiff for a moment, shocked, but then puts her arms around me too.

“I’m fine,” I say. I pull away from her so I can look at her face. “I’ll tell you everything in the morning. I’m really tired and I think you are too. We should both get some sleep, mom. Thank you for waiting up.”

“Okay,” she says in a stunned tone. “We’ll talk in the morning then.”

“Goodnight,” I say, heading to my room.

“Anna?” she says.

I turn around and say, “Yeah?”

“I’m glad you’re okay,” she says, tears forming in her eyes.

“Yeah, me too, mom” I reply.

She throws me a warm smile and wishes me a good night. Things are really going to change around here. I’m never going to be that nasty girl again.

***