Chapter 18: Chapter 18

CHAPTER SEVENTEEN: UNRAVELED

D9.

DANIEL

I’m driving along a familiar road; one I’ve been down thousands of times. It is surrounded by woods on both sides. I’m feeling angry and determined. This is not my typical drive home, or to the mall. No, this is a drive with a different purpose. A more sinister purpose.

Squinting through the sunlight, I can faintly make out the silhouette of a lone figure walking up ahead. It’s her, my target. I press my foot down harder on the accelerator. She doesn’t feel me approaching, not at first. Eventually she turns around, eyes wide and mouth open in a silent scream. I feel a moment of hesitation, but it’s too late back down now. The car inches forward and then – BAM!

***

I wake up panting and sweating. My hands are shaking uncontrollably. What the hell was that dream? What kind of sick joke is my mind playing on me to show me that?

I can see the look on her face right before she was hit. Anna’s face. She looked so scared. She didn’t even have time to scream before…

I swallow hard at the lump in my throat. Why was I behind the wheel? And what were those feelings? I was so angry in the dream, so determined to hit Anna with my car on purpose. But I would never do that. I loved Anna with every fiber of my being. I would have never done anything to hurt her.

My mind races with so many different thoughts. I want to write this dream off as just that, a dream. Something crazy my mind came up with because I’ve been so stressed out over Anna’s death for weeks, so determined to find justice. There’s also the fact that I found her necklace stashed in Isabel’s sock drawer. This is just some twisted scene my mind came up with in my sleep, right?

It just felt so real. Something in my gut tells me that what I saw in my dream wasn’t made up. It was real. Something tells me that I just watched Anna die. And if that’s true, then it means that my dream was not a dream at all. It was a memory.

What happened that night? I know that I was very upset with Anna for not showing up to our anniversary dinner. For leaving me waiting outside of her house for hours. What if I saw her walking along the road and just…hit her? Am I that that much of a monster? That I could kill someone I love for simply standing me up and then wipe it out of my memory?

I feel a chill run all throughout my body and I have to hug myself for warmth. I wouldn’t have done that. There’s no way. If I had really seen Anna walking along a road by herself after standing me up, I would have stopped and asked her what happened. I would have been desperate for answers.

Another thought crosses my mind. What if I did? What if I did stop and talk to her and didn’t like what I heard? Maybe I’m confusing her break up call to a real conversation we had in person. Maybe she broke up with me because she realized she wasn’t in love with me anymore, or because she was leaving me for someone else. Maybe I became so enraged that I followed her and hit her with my car.

Oh god, I am feeling so sick. I run down the hall to the bathroom and throw up.

No. I wouldn’t have done that to Anna. And Anna would have never left me like that. I read her diary. In her final entry she was talking about being with me forever. She was ready to give me her virginity on the night that she died. It’s something that I never pushed on her. I wanted her to be the one to make that decision once she was ready; to make that decision out of love. She loved me, she would have never left me and especially not on our anniversary.

I head back to my room and climb back into bed. What else could have happened that night? I know that I went out and got drunk with Isabel and Jenna, much like I did the other night.

My stomach turns again as I remember how in my drunken state the other night, I totally forgot anything about hooking up with Isabel, or even hanging out with her at all. So, if I’m the type of person that forgets things when overdrinking, what could I have forgotten about the night that Anna died?

What if I was so drunk on my drive home that I hit Anna accidentally? It’s possible she had a fight with her mother and that’s why she never met up with me. Maybe her mom took away her phone too, so she couldn’t contact me. She could have run off on foot. And me, in my stupid, drunken state, could have rammed right into her. A crazy, freak accident. It’s a memory so terrible anyone would repress it.

Isabel was with me that night. It could explain why she has the necklace, if she took it for the sake of hiding evidence, to protect me. But if she is protecting me, I want her to stop. If I were truly involved in Anna’s death in any way, shape, or form, then I want to pay for it. I’d gladly pay for it. If I took her life, I don’t deserve to live mine.

My alarm suddenly goes off, making me jump and I realize it’s time for me to get up and get ready for school. I sigh in frustration as I remember what today is: the eligibility exam. How on earth am I going to pull this one off? Not only am I unprepared study-wise, but I have so much on my mind right now to even think about school. It’s incredibly important for me to pass this exam, but I know before even taking it that I’m so going to fail. Still, I get up and begin to get dressed.

I can’t stop thinking about Anna. About her frightened face in my dream. The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I had something to do with her death. I’ll never get over this, I’ll never live this down. Losing the love of your life is bad enough, having to live with the fact that you killed her is completely unbearable.

My hands are still shaking as I walk into the exam room later and take my seat behind Jason. Carpiniello is seated to my left, pencil ready. He gives me slight nod in greeting and I think I nod back, but I can’t even tell if I made a movement at all. I just feel so out of it.

Jason turns in his seat to face me.

“Sup, bro?” He gives me a quizzical stare, “Are you okay? You’re looking pale as hell. Don’t worry, man, you’ll pass the test. It’s pretty basic stuff from what I’ve heard.”

“Yeah, thanks,” I say, my voice barely louder than a whisper.

He opens his mouth to keep chatting, but at that moment Mrs. Price, our proctor, walks into the room, calling for everyone’s attention. I notice Radjan looking in my direction but ignore him. He must be noticing something off about me.

“All right, class, let’s get started,” she says, looking at her watch. “It is 8AM on the dot, anyone who is not here by now may not take the exam.” She locks the door, then turns back to us. “I need you all to clear your desks of everything except a #2 pencil. I’ll be handing out your exams and a scrap sheet of paper you may use for the math portion.” She takes a stack of papers from her desk and begins to pass them around to each student as she speaks. “The test will consist of 4 sections: math, science, history and English. You will have approximately 20 minutes to complete each section, giving us a total of one hour and twenty minutes of exam time. Use this time wisely. Anyone who is not finished when the time is up, must turn in the exam as is, so don’t linger too long on any particular section because blank answers will be marked incorrectly.”

She finishes passing out the exams and scrap papers, then says, “You may begin.”

Everyone immediately gets started. I freeze, too lost in my thoughts to focus on even reading the first question.

It just doesn’t make any sense. How could I have hit Anna? Wouldn’t there be damage to my car if I did? I checked my car before I drove to school today and I couldn’t find any evidence at all that it had been involved in an accident. Unless it somehow, miraculously, didn’t leave a dent. Somehow that thought makes me even sadder, that Anna could be hit by a car and leave no trace of evidence behind.

It’s so weird though. I remember getting drunk that night, but not black out drunk. At least there wasn’t any point when I woke up confused or disoriented. Not like when I woke up at Isabel’s and didn’t even know where I was. My memories from that night are so clear. I decide to retrace them and compare them to the dream I had.

Using the sheet of scrap paper intended for solving math problems, I start writing down what I remember from that night. I waited outside of Anna’s house for about 3 hours, I decided to go drinking and found Isabel and Jenna walking along the road – the same road from my dream. I picked them up and we went to the bar where we drank a lot. Jenna stayed behind hooking up with some guy, I drove Isabel home, then went to my own house. I fell asleep for a little bit and woke up to Anna’s call… except that call didn’t happen, right? And if I’m mixing that detail up, what else am I mixing up? Think, Daniel, think!

Actually, focus, Daniel, focus. You are in the middle of an exam, I remind myself. I manage to answer two questions before my mind begins to drift again and I begin to think about the dream, writing down what I remember from it.

There was that familiar road and a lone figure – Anna’s figure – walking up ahead. I had to squint to see her because the sun was shining in my face…

The sun? I waited outside of Anna’s house until way past sundown. It was late and dark outside already when I bumped into Isabel and Jenna. How could I remember seeing Anna in the sunlight if I didn’t even drive down that road until it was dark out? It would have been even darker on the way back. And then there’s that feeling, that feeling of rage, of deliberately wanting to hit Anna. I just can’t ever imagine feeling that.

I think back to when I got so upset with Anna after she told me her true intention in ever flirting with me and I don’t ever recall feeling so angry and violent. I was hurt, but I decided to forgive her because I loved her so much. I remember feeling that there was nothing I wouldn’t forgive her for. How could I, of all people, feel so much rage towards her? How could I kill her on purpose?

I wouldn’t. I know that in my heart of hearts. Yet, I know what I saw in that dream and I know that I was drinking that night and that I absolutely could have run her over by accident. Maybe my dream was really just inaccurate, and I remembered there being sunlight when there wasn’t. Maybe I’m confusing the headlights for sunlight. Maybe I really hit her and just forgot.

I glance at the clock and realize that I’m about two subjects behind where I should be at this point in the exam and try once again to focus. It doesn’t last long before my thoughts turn to Isabel and how she must feel if she was in the car with me that night. I instantly feel sick and terrible for what she must be going through, for the secret she has been keeping. It must be so hard to be part of something like that and be the only one who remembers. To not be able to talk about it must be torture.

It really dawns on me that she took that necklace to protect me. It probably fell off Anna when she was hit, and she didn’t want someone else to find it. As to why she put it on that night when we hooked up… well, I was so out of it. Maybe I wanted to feel so close to Anna that night that I asked her to pretend for me, asked her to wear it.

My stomach churns in disgust with myself and pain for Isabel. That poor girl. She has done nothing but protect me and try to please me and there I was actually suspecting she could have something to do with Anna’s death on her own. The thought is so ridiculous to me now. Isabel wasn’t even driving that night! I found her walking on foot!

“Five more minutes,” warns Mrs. Price. “Start wrapping up!”

What? Oh, crap! The exam is almost over and I’m not even halfway through. There is no way I’m ever going to pass this. Still, guessing is better than turning in blank answers, so I start filling my answer sheet in with random responses.

I’m a few questions away from finishing when my answer sheet is suddenly ripped out of my hands. Radjan has taken it from me and has started writing something on it. I don’t know what he’s doing, and I can’t bring myself to care. I’m too busy mentally preparing myself to sit out of the TBA.

He hands me back my sheet just as the bell rings and we both head to the front of the class to turn them in. Radjan offers no explanation and shuffles out of the classroom right away. Jason joins me at my side as we both head for the door.

“So, how did you do?” he asks me.

“Don’t even ask,” I reply, glumly.

***

At some point during the day, I am reminded that it is tryouts day for the ladies’ basketball team, and I feel bad for forgetting about Isabel’s desire to join the team. I’m lucky she even gives me the time of the day. It seems like all she ever does is think about how to make my life easier while I can’t even bother to remember important details about her life. If I’m going to be her boyfriend, I really need to start treating her better.

Although I’m not feeling anything close to happy at this moment, I flash her my best smile when I approach her at her locker after school.

“You ready for tryouts?” I ask her.

She gives me a blank stare.

“Basketball tryouts… for the ladies’ team?” I remind her. “Don’t tell me you forgot it’s today.”

“Ohhh….” she says and laughs a bit nervously. “Yeah, about that, Dan… I’m not going.”

She shuts her locker and we both head for the school’s exit.

“What? Why not?” I ask. “I hope it’s not something I said during our practice. Please don’t be discouraged!”

“No, you were great, Dan,” she says. “It’s just that… I kind of lied to you about wanting to join the team.”

Now it’s my turn to look at her with a blank stare. She continues.

“Don’t get me wrong, I think basketball is so cool, and I love supporting you at your games, I really do. But I really hate playing it and in case you haven’t noticed, I like, really suck at it too.” She laughs at herself.

“I don’t get it,” I say. “Why did you lie?”

“Isn’t it obvious?” she asks. We stop walking as we arrive at my car. “I just wanted to get you back on court again. You were missing out on so much already, I thought if I could just get you to play a bit, even once, you’d be excited to come back. So, I pretended I wanted to join the team so you would teach me. I’m sorry I lied to you, but hey, it worked, didn’t it?” she winks at me. I just stare at her. “I hope you’re not mad…” she says, biting her lip nervously.

I lean down and kiss her lightly on the lips.

“I’m not mad,” I say softly. “Thank you, Isabel.”

It’s true, I’m not. How could I be? Everything Isabel ever does is to help me in some way. All I feel towards her right now is so much appreciation. Her deception is the reason why I got back out on court. It’s the reason why I was even there at the game against Drakonas Academy scoring that winning shot. I owe so much to Isabel. All she ever does is sacrifice for me.

I don’t know if I deserve love after what I think I’ve done to Anna, but if I get to experience that again, I’m lucky if it is with someone who would love me so hard and unconditionally, the way I know that Isabel can.

***

Thoughts of Anna’s terrified face still linger on my mind as we do homework in Isabel’s room. Isabel is talking to me about her day while I only half listen. I remind myself once again that I need to treat her better and decide to pay closer attention.

“…should be illegal,” she is saying.

“I’m sorry,” I reply. “What should be illegal?”

“Making fatsos run at gym!” she exclaims, laughing hard. “It should be illegal for the rest of us to have to watch something so pathetic. Seriously, you should have seen Layla Smalls today during the mile run. It’s so funny her last name is Smalls because she is freaking HUGE!” She laughs some more, as if it is the funniest thing ever. “Anyway, she was practically dying before even finishing her first lap. That loser was panting like a dying animal.”

Something in this last sentence triggers some kind of memory for me.

“What did you say?” I ask.

Isabel suddenly looks a bit self-conscious, “Sorry, I guess that was mean,” she mumbles.

I say nothing, trying to summon the memory to the surface of my mind. I can feel it coming closer, until finally it hits me. It was something Isabel said on the night I picked her up on the side of the road. She referred to Anna as a loser. I remember it clearly now.

I know I shouldn’t feel so upset at something she said in the past, but I feel angry suddenly, thinking of Isabel talking about Anna the same way she talks about poor Layla Smalls. I realize that I never bothered to wonder before what Isabel was doing walking down that road that night. It was kind of late for a casual stroll.

“Hey, can I ask you something?” I say.

“Yeah, of course, babe. Anything.” She smiles at me.

“I was just thinking of the night Anna died,” I watch her face carefully as I speak and notice her smile fizzles out a bit at the mention of Anna’s name. “What were you doing on the side of the road?”

“What do you mean?” she asks.

“I mean, I picked you and Jenna up on the side of the road and we went drinking. What were you doing out there?” I ask.

“Like, walking to the bar, obviously,” she laughs. “We weren’t going to drive to the bar, Dan. We were planning on drinking!”

“Oh, okay” I reply. “That makes sense.”

“Why do you ask?” she responds.

“Because it’s really dangerous to be walking around dark roads so late at night. You should be careful, Isabel. I wouldn’t want anything bad to happen to you.” I say, like a concerned boyfriend.

She smiles sweetly, leans over and gives me a kiss.

“You’re really so sweet to worry, Dan. Nothing is going to happen to me though. I have you now,” she says. The timer on her phone goes off and she looks down at it. “Oh, our pizza is ready! I’ll bring it up to the room, so we don’t have to socialize with my mom down there.”

“Okay,” I reply.

She gets up and leaves the room. I try to focus on my homework (God knows I need to improve my schoolwork, especially after my flop at the eligibility exam) but I’m having a difficult time. Something seems so off about Isabel’s story. I’ve seen her and Jenna show up to the bar bunches of times with their own car. They never seemed so cautious about drinking and driving. I also didn’t miss the look on her face when I said Anna’s name.

It was the same look she had on her face the night she called Anna a loser. Have I been so blind all this time? Did Isabel actually hate Anna all along? I knew they weren’t ever friends, but I didn’t realize there was any bad blood there. I keep thinking back to that night and I remember how flirty she was with me; how dismissive she was of the fact that I had a girlfriend and how mean she was about Anna the entire night. It’s a far cry from the sweet and loving Isabel that I have gotten to know over the past few weeks.

While deep in thought I’ve been accidentally pressing my pencil down too hard on my homework paper. The tip snaps and breaks off.

“Shoot,” I say to myself. I look around the room and then head to Isabel’s desk, in search of a sharpener.

As I look through some drawers, I continue with my train of thought. Maybe I’m just being paranoid. Girls hate on other girls all the time. Just because Isabel wasn’t president of Anna’s fan club doesn’t mean that she hated her.

Immediately after having this thought, I open a drawer and see a familiar notebook inside. A notebook I’ve seen once before, at Anna’s wake.

I pull Anna’s diary out of Isabel’s drawer in bewilderment. What the hell is this doing in here? Why did she take it from Anna’s room? I open it and flip through it, immediately wishing that I hadn’t. Isabel has been reading and highlighting certain parts of Anna’s journal. As I skim through the pages I see in highlight: my favorite perfume Sunset Paradise, Dashboard Confessional, Hands Down, Daniel LOVES my laugh, Daniel gave me a locket today…

It goes on and on. I feel like I’m about to be sick. Did Isabel steal Anna’s diary so she can pretend to be just like her to…what? Get my attention?

Right underneath where the diary was is a yellow envelope with some pictures poking out of it. I pick it up and look inside and what I see absolutely disgusts and frightens me. There are pictures of me and Anna; some of just me. There must be a hundred of pictures in here, recent and older pictures alike. Some are from years ago. What the hell is this? Have I been dealing with some obsessed psycho all this time?

Another memory flashes through my mind. The morning I woke up in Isabel’s room, she told me that I had told her I loved her. Now, I know this can’t be true. First of all, I am not in love with her. Second, even if I was, I wouldn’t say that so easily. It took me two whole months to be able to say it to Anna. Those words don’t just come out of me so easily, even if I am drunk. The only way I would have said that to Isabel is if I thought she was Anna, which, judging by the looks of this well-studied diary, is what she has been aiming for. She lied to me.

I never asked her to pretend to be Anna to comfort me. She took advantage of me when I was out of it and made me think she was Anna. The more I think back, the more I remember the details of that night. The way I was too drunk to do anything more than a kiss. I had slumped over in the bed, drunkenly mumbling Anna’s name as Isabel removed my clothing and then climbed in next to me, so that when I would wake, I would think we slept together.

I feel a freezing chill run through my body. I don’t know what is going on here exactly, but I know I need to get out of here. Someone has to know about this. I quickly gather the diary, the pictures, and the locket that I know is in Isabel’s sock drawer and stick them all in my backpack.

Isabel is halfway up the stairs with the plate of pizza as I make my way down.

“Where are you going?” she asks.

“I have to go, Coach is calling an emergency meeting about the TBA,” I say.

“But—” she says.

“Sorry!” I say as I run down the rest of the steps and out the door before she can stop me.