Chapter 19: Chapter 19
CHAPTER EIGHTEEN: REAL OR NOT REAL?
R9.
RADJAN
It’s been two days since I last heard from Mirjana. After that beautiful night we shared, I haven’t heard from her again. I haven’t been in any relationship to know if sleeping with someone you love is a game changer. I thought it is supposed to bring two souls in love closer than ever. Unfortunately, she seems to have other ideas. I tried calling and texting her all day for two straight days and I got nothing from her at all.
I told myself many times that there could be some emergency or whatever and one of these days, she would just show up and we would carry on from there. Her absence made me so miserable on the inside. I started to review for the upcoming eligibility test, but it wasn’t so fun when she just kept popping up in my head.
I picked up the reviewer she had written for me for history and I just felt the ache from her absence more.
I wondered if she was thinking of me the way I think about her all the time. It dawned on me that I have never even gone into her house, or met her parents. And I still don’t know where she lives.
I stayed in the dorm the second day I didn’t hear from her. The basketball varsity squad has a free housing funded by the school’s sports committee. I don’t really stay there normally, just during breaks in between classes, but not as a temporary home like others do. I can’t really leave my father living alone in a flat, or he might not live that long if he accidentally gives himself an overdose or something.
But that day, I stayed in. I didn’t really want my father to see me hurting. He had been really good lately, mostly sober, and I didn’t want to be the reason for him going back to that dark place that even I can’t reach.
I spent the weekend in continuing my review of the topics we’ve covered in class in my major subjects. There really was nothing else to do. I had no friends, and Mirjana suddenly seemed to have decided to steer clear of my path. It was too painful to think about. It felt as if I have already woken up from a beautiful dream.
I started reminiscing about all our moments. I found myself laughing and crying at the same time. Then, from out of nowhere, something about what Akio said flashed in my mind.
Celeste said Mirjana is not in the student database.
I’ve never really given it much thought before. It seemed ridiculous. Celeste didn’t even know Mirjana’s family name to actually know for real that Mirjana’s name is really not listed in the student database. But come to think of it, no one from school actually knows her. I’ve also have never seen her with someone whenever I see her. What if she was just a figment of my imagination? What if she was just someone that only existed in my fantasy world? What if I am already losing it and have started hallucinating? I thought about my mental state when I first started going to MAU. I was cold and unaffected about pretty much everything going on in everyone else’s life. I had too much pain. I had too much anger. Slowly, meeting Mirjana had helped erase that and had turned me into this optimistic, caring, and happy person I once was before my mother left without a trace.
Did I conjure her into existence to cope with my despair? Feeling so much chills from all these thoughts in my head, I also remembered what Celeste told me, that she always saw me talking to myself. Could it be possible? Could Mirjana be an illusion?
It was heartbreaking to think about. I willed myself to stop thinking senseless things about Mirjana. Of course, she is real. I have touched her few nights ago. I have kissed her many times. How could she be an illusion?
Multiple textbooks lay open on my bed, as if waiting for me to pay them attention. Studying has always been ingrained in me. Even when I am feeling the worst, I never really neglect my studies. I have always enjoyed learning. My bunker is on top of Dimitri’s. I could hear him playing a hip hop song that I hated.
“Will you turn that down? Some of us are trying to study,” I yelled. It wasn’t really distracting me. I just hated the music. It was a song about being proud of wearing a Versace underwear. As if that was the singer’s biggest achievement in life.
“Radjan?” Dimitri said, as he turned the music off. “I didn’t even know you were there. You’ve never stayed in this dorm much. Well, you and Daniel. I thought it was a star player thing.”
“Well, yeah, I’m here obviously,” I said sarcastically.
“Everyone says you’re also very good in class. Maybe you can bribe Mrs. Price to let me switch places with either Daniel or Eeli so you can help me pass the exam?” Dimitri suggested.
Eeli Jokinen is my teammate that was put on the reserved list when Daniel Wade came back. I felt bad for the guy losing his spot in the team just because I decided I wanted to play for MAU. Anyway, Eeli has good grades and is also in the football team. I’m sure he doesn’t really feel being relegated to the reserved list of the basketball team is the end of the world.
“How is Daniel Wade’s academic record? I mean, does the guy have good grades or just – ” I trailed off. I wanted to say ‘mediocre like yours?’
“…bad?” I continued, being careful with my choice of words.
“Really bad, dude. I heard he’s failing. I was actually talking about this with the other guys. Jason is worried Wade would actually fail. Who would play his position who is as good as he was?” Dimitri commented.
“Is. As good as he is. I think he’s still good, just distracted. Losing someone you love can do that to anyone,” I said.
Was I talking about Daniel or myself? My heart felt heavy not seeing Mirjana for days, not knowing if I would ever see her again.
Of course, you will, I told myself. She goes to MAU, too. Or does she?
I was determined to just focus on the upcoming exam. An idea formed in my head. If I was going to leave the school abruptly for some reasons (heartache reasons?), I didn’t want MAU to suck on national TV.
“Anyway, I got you bro. I’m going to make sure to write all my answers on a piece of paper. Pass it to the others too, so all of you can copy as many answers as you need. Just two things: don’t ever get caught and never play that awful music in my vicinity ever again.”
Dimitri laughed at that and said he liked that I seemed to have a good sense of humor when I’m in the mood for it.
“Thanks bro. I know. I’m liking this support you have for me. Don’t worry, you’re going to be the first on my list of teammates to thank when an NBA team picks me on the draft,” I joked, trying to conceal the feelings of loneliness clouding my heart.
“Cool,” he grinned. “I can already see it four years from now.”
If I even lived that long....
I wonder if people ever die of heartbreak.
---
I woke up alone in my dorm room. Dimitri had probably already left to share the good news to the other guys. I checked my phone. Mirjana still hadn’t returned my calls or texts. Something felt really wrong or horrible. Between the two possibilities - that she just decided she didn’t really feel the same for me, or that she never existed in the first place; I couldn’t tell which was worse.
I was already at the shower when I thought I heard some movement coming from the room. “Dimitri?” I called. When he didn’t answer, I covered myself with a towel and checked. Before I could even walk further, I saw Celeste standing there.
“What the hell!” I yelled.
“Radjan, please. Please, I can explain everything. If you just let me. I know I’ve been acting really weird lately. There’s just… please let me explain.” I didn’t say anything. I waited for her to speak again. “I’m being haunted. I know you think I’m crazy, but there’s a big possibility I’m being haunted.”
I laughed sarcastically. “Yeah, right. You guys are all losers, honestly. Did Akio tell you what they pulled on me recently?”
“Please, Radjan, listen to me first. Yes, they told me what happened. It’s my fault. I’ve been going crazy. Our friends are just worried about me.”
I shoved her out of the way dismissively. The hell I care if she was being haunted. Maybe she deserved it.
“And also… you may want to get dressed first,” Celeste said, turning red. “I’m sorry I failed to warn you right away that they’re here.”
Akio, Denise, Vladimir, Brittany and David were at the table looking at me with curiosity, waving awkwardly and then staring at the floor when I didn’t wave back.
“I asked them to be here. We just miss your company already,” Celeste continued. “What I told Akio is true, Radjan. There is no Mirjana in MAU. I accessed the student database. There is no one that goes by that name. You need to be careful. Have you actually met this Mirjana person?”
“Of course. All the time!” I shouted.
“I’m really sorry, man, about last time. Anyway, we’ve really asked around because Celeste is convinced you’re being haunted. No one from our circle has classes with a Mirjana. It’s so impossible, right? I mean it’s not like MAU is huge,” Akio explained.
“No, I said I’m being haunted, not Radjan. I feel like… I don’t know. Vlad, can you tell Radjan what you told us about your occultist grandmother?” Celeste corrected.
The atmosphere suddenly tensed. The ‘occultist grandmother’ in the sentence probably made it happen.
Vladmir whispered something to Denise, who went pale upon hearing what Celeste said.
“Yeah, my grandmother from Romania, who has been into occultism for more than 30 years, once told me that evil spirits like deceiving people. They usually take the form of a recently dead person and pretend to be them… to carry out their more sinister plans. Sometimes they can also look like whoever they want to look like,” Vladimir explained.
“What are you saying?” I asked.
“I’m saying maybe some evil spirit is haunting you and pretending to be a girl named Mirjana,” Vladimir responded.
I didn’t say anything. The scene was starting to look like a bad horror movie.
“I’m squirming in fear,” I said sarcastically.
“Yeah. It sounded more believable when we first talked about it,” Akio said to the others, scratching his head, looking embarrassed.
“Yeah, it definitely sounds better than luring someone to a deserted place. That was a lame horror movie move. You guys watch too much Netflix,” I said, laughing despite myself. “By the way, in case you haven’t noticed, I still have my towel on. Maybe you want to leave and let me carry on putting a shirt on? I have an eligibility test for TBA today and I can’t be late.”
Celeste moved closer to me, probably going for a hug, or whatever her agenda was. I shoved her out of the way once more. “What now? Are you going to kiss me again?”
“N-no,” Celeste answered, embarrassed.
“Let’s go, guys, I am also running late,” David said. “See you around, Radjan.”
Brittany patted me on my shoulder lightly and said, “Good luck on your test.”
They headed for the door one by one, except for Celeste.
“Radjan, I really have something important to tell you. Maybe someday you can forgive me. But I am really praying you’ll come around soon. I am scared for you. I am scared someone is going to hurt you because I –”
“Are you coming, Celeste?” Brittany called from outside.
“In a minute!” she called back. “Radjan, text me after school if you’re free. I really need to talk to you privately. I think you will want to hear it,” Celeste said.
I don’t really believe in ghosts or evil spirits. Science can explain hallucinations pretty well.
But if I am being honest with myself, there has always been a weird vibe when Mirjana is around. I remember when I first bumped into her on my way to my next class. She was just walking beside me one second and the next thing I know, she vanished without a trace. At the wake, I drove her back to the dead schoolmate’s house and left her there. I came back just a few minutes later and she was already gone.
Celeste already left when a nagging thought suddenly came to me. I stopped dead in my tracks when I remembered something.
I saw Mirjana in my class where everyone was mourning over a dead girl and she was beaming at me.
Something about it doesn’t add up. Not only the fact that she wasn’t mourning, but also the fact that she was there. What was she doing there? We aren’t in any class together. I also recalled asking her about this when I was driving home with her to introduce her to my father. She didn’t address that part of my inquiry and just said maybe the other students from school didn’t like her so they were making things up.
I felt my spine tingling just thinking about it. What if Vladimir’s theory was right? But no, I feel it in my heart that Mirjana truly loves me. Love and evil just don’t match. I love her, and I am not going to believe some silly theory about evil spirits. Mirjana is real.
Though basketball was becoming not much of a priority to me anymore, I decided to still stick with the plan. I owe it to Coach Wade and my teammates. I don’t really need the TV exposure but maybe for some of them, it would pave way for them to be discovered. I like my teammates. They welcomed me with open arms. They deserve to have better chances for a better future even if mine was starting to turn bleak. I was determined not to let them down.
---
Most of my teammates were already in the room when I arrived. Dimitri flashed me a co-conspirator wink upon seeing me enter. I sat next to Eeli and a vacant seat reserved for Daniel.
“I was able to inform everyone except Daniel and Lennard. They’re not here yet. But we’ll make sure to pass them some answers during the test,” Dimitri whispered behind me. Daniel finally arrived, just in time, followed by Lennard. Not long after that, Mrs. Price, our proctor for the examination, walked into the room. I looked up and noticed there was something wrong with Daniel. He looked as if he hadn’t really slept the night before, or for many nights.
I thought he was doing well already. I mean with his girlfriend dying. I thought he was starting to be happy again. But he definitely looked so out of it. He was just sitting there blankly, staring at nothing in particular. I wanted to let him in on the plan but he seemed too preoccupied with his thoughts he didn’t even notice me.
As Mrs. Price started explaining the mechanics, I carefully felt the piece of folded paper I’ve hidden in the pocket of my varsity jacket. I answered the exam as fast as I could because I also had to secretly write all my answers on this cheat sheet I’ve planned to give my teammates.
An hour and a half later, Mrs. Price instructed us to submit our papers. I yanked the paper Daniel was absent-mindedly trying to answer on, and gave him mine, to which I already wrote the name DANIEL WADE on. He seemed to not have any clue about what I just did. Well, he would know soon enough.
I did a quick glance at his paper that I switched mine with. He even answered some E’s on it. I was pretty sure there were no E options in the test questions. I groaned. Maybe I will fail after all. But what’s even the point of excelling in anything if you can’t even be happy because your loss is greater than your joy?
---
When I get home from the eligibility exam, the empty feeling swallows me again. No text from Mirjana still. I feel this void in my chest like I will never be the same again. As if the universe decided to pull a cruel joke on me. One minute I was back believing love existed. The next, I am breaking because of it. Maybe that’s why my mother didn’t hesitate to leave me. Maybe I am insane. Maybe I even hallucinate all the time.
I ignore texts from my teammates. Most of them just say I am their hero. Who is going to save this hero from drowning in agony then?
My father wished me luck earlier this morning when I told him I was going to take an eligibility test for a new league the school is going to join in. He seemed to be in good spirits and even said he was applying for a job. I didn’t tell him the league is going to be televised because I didn’t want him to be very disappointed when I fail. Anyway, as I am by myself consumed by dark thoughts, I decide to rummage through my father’s hidden stash of alcohol and pour myself a random vodka. I think I really need a drink to stop feeling and overthinking. Maybe I’ll be the alcoholic now and my father would pretend to be good at whatever new job he would find. It’s an amusing thought but nothing about my life is amusing anymore.
I drink a glass of vodka in one go. Bitter, just like me. How did my life turn around so bad like this in a blink of an eye? I replay in my head over and over every recollection I have of meeting and knowing Mirjana. A memory crosses my mind. I was carrying her books for her and she suddenly vanished and I never had the chance to return them.
That means her books are still in here somewhere! That means I could not have possibly imagined her if there are books that would prove her existence. I hurriedly open a drawer, every drawer I can reach. I ransack through my stuff to search for anything that doesn’t belong to me but I can’t find anything.
A notification from my phone suddenly comes through. I have a new message. My heart leaps thinking maybe it’s from Mirjana. Much to my displeasure, it is just Celeste.
Radjan, I really need to talk to you asap. If you can meet me tonight it’s much better. Please bring a picture of you and Mirjana. I just want to know if I was right all along. I’ll explain more in person. Please trust me. I’m sorry for what I did to you. I wasn’t in my best mental state when I kissed you. I was desperate to tell you something. I didn’t know how else to get your attention. I’m sorry. Please don’t hate me.
She also texts her address and I delete both right away. I am not interested in a pathetic, clingy girl like her. She can try to make Mirjana look shady but she won’t ever change my mind. No one can. I love Mirjana and I am going to prove to everyone that she is real.
I continue my search for her books. I don’t remember now where I put them, but it must be here somewhere.
I stumble on my way to another bookshelf because I am already starting to feel the spirit of the vodka. I stand up and try walking again to get to it, using anything on my way as support. It is the old bookshelf that contains all my books from my previous school. I finally see something unfamiliar. Three of them. I pull them out of the bookshelf and my heart jumps.
Each book has a sticker on top of another sticker with her name on it.
Mirjana Molnarova.
I am sure I am reading the name right. I am a bit drunk but I still can read. She is real! I examine the World Religion book with her name on it. It is the book we use in class I remember seeing her in. So, she is really in my class. Maybe she just dropped out or something? I don’t know what her deal is, but knowing that she is real for sure makes everything better. I can wait for her for as long as she needs me to.
Something else written on the sticker catches my attention. It is her landline number! I relax and will myself not to slur in talking if she ever picks up. My heart is aching with so much anticipation. Finally, after three rings…
“Who’s this?” a woman answers from the other line.
“This is… I am calling for Mirjana this is Radjan her boyfriend,” I say, talking so fast, stuffing everything I need to say in one sentence.
“What did you say? What did you call my daughter?” the woman asks.
“I know I sound a little drunk but I juss lover so much may I speak to her please?” I explain. I am trying to enunciate better but I feel like any minute now I am going to puke, so I sound so weird. “I’m sorry I’m really trying, please lemme talk toer.”
The woman on the other line suddenly wails out of nowhere. “I’m not a bad mother. I protected her from everything because I didn’t want something bad to happen to her. But he poisoned her mind about me. He lied so much about me. I loved her. If she only listened to me…”
“I’m sorry for your sorrow, Mrs… sorry I dunno watwo call you… Um, is Mirjana there?” I interrupt.
“He chose that whore he met in France over me. He got her pregnant and left me and our daughter for that whore!”
I sigh. Is she just drunk-talking me (ironically!) or is she really talking about hers and Mirjana’s life?
“I need to speak with Mirjana please?” I insist one more time.
“You think you’re funny with your Mirjana crap and pretending she will ever speak to you again? Do yourself a favor and go to hell. Never call this number again!” she yells then hangs up.
No wonder why Mirjana hasn’t ever told me about her family. Her mother seems like a one big mess. It doesn’t matter. Everything will be all right. Who am I to even be picky about family backgrounds? I love her and I am going to keep trying to find her and make her realize I am worth it…