Chapter 120: Chapter 120

Chapter 120

Haunting her mind

“I don't want you to suffer. My parents want to just buy your company since they think you can't save your company anymore. My parents also want me to end my relationship with you because if I don't do that, your company will collapse forever. She will deprive you of a full college scholarship to the private school you will attend. They also plan to buy your mansion and charge you a debt that your parents did not pay. I don’t want to bother you, Shey. I just did that so Mommy wouldn't do what they were planning. I don't want to see you struggling, so I just chose to stay away from you,” that was Neil's shocking explanation to me causing me to take a deep breath.

Was that why he left me?

My head was constantly shaking and my eyes were stunned by the absence. Suddenly, I stood up. I would rather leave this place because I can no longer afford to stay here.

I left without letting him know.

I'm thinking deeply. I could no longer understand how I felt and myself.

This is exhausting. It's exhausting to feel like this.

I said that before. I don’t want to get hurt in the end but I’ve been suffering from the bait for so long that I still feel it.

Why is it hard to forget? It's been two years but it seems like only yesterday.

I'm used to it but why it repeats? Even if I say I’m used to it, it still hurts. I almost feel like I’m crumbling every day. I feel like I couldn’t get away with yesterday that I should have forgotten.

Why is it like this again? I should be happy now. I also deserve to be happy but why do I seem to be deprived of being happy? I want to be happy but why is it so hard to be happy that even if I force myself to be happy, I can't.

I feel heavy again.

Can't I be happy too?

I also deserve someone to stay with me but why? Why did Neil have to leave?

Now, I understand that. Because of his parents. He left me because of his parents.

But he must fight. He should have told me, so we could find a way — so we wouldn't end up breaking up.

I have no intention of leaving him because I love him. He can just fight our relationship, so that I don't fight alone.

I gambled myself in the fight and I was the only one who would lose.

I thought then that I was done crying but I only stopped at for a while. I thought and I won't cry anymore because I thought then I was okay. I just cheated on myself because until now, I'm still not okay, I'm still in pain and I'm still here.

One question, why am I crying?

Everything is fresh to me again. I'm used to it but why does it seem even more painful?

I'm back to normal. I was crying again in a corner and mumbling alone as tears flowed down my face. I look oppressed.

I do not want this. I didn't want to feel it before but I had no choice but to endure the pain and just cry.

Even though another bucket of tears flowed down my face, the pain I was feeling still didn’t lessen.

It’s always been like this that I shouldn’t feel like this anymore. I shouldn't be crying anymore. I should no longer be suffering from grief and crying in a corner.

Can I just have amnesia, so I can forget everything that happened. I wish I wasn't having a hard time anymore. It's as if I'm not crying all the time and I'm acting okay even though I'm not really.

What is the solution? Do I have to set my feelings free? Is it the right time to surrender my love for him? Is it time to give up? Is it time to stop hoping and waiting for him? Is it time to unlove him? Do I have to love again? To love another man?

But I want to ask. Can I request even now? Can I just have Neil? Just leave him to me. Just give him to me. I will wait for him. I will wait like I always do.

|| • Next day • ||

"Is this all you're going to buy, Pershey?" Bria asked while we were at the counter. I thought of walking around the mall just to have fun and not always huddle in a corner and cry. I want to have fun somehow.

"Of course. I don't need anything else,” I replied but I said in my mind that I only needed Neil and I needed him.

We were about to leave the mall when someone approached us.

She's ...

It's been a long time since I last saw her

I smiled at her and she smiled at me. Even in these moments, what happened comes back to my mind.

We continued walking when she called my name.

We stopped. Bria looked at me as if she was telling me something.

"Can we talk for a while?" she asked.

I looked at Bria.

"Just wait for me in the car," I told her and she followed me.

I went with her. We went to the restaurant in the mall.

I was just quiet. I don’t eat foods that are ordered for us.

"How are you?" she asked as if the wind had suddenly changed. She suddenly seemed to be a concern to me now.

"I'm okay," I replied.

“How are your studies in America?” she asked again causing me to wonder.

“How did you know I'm studying in America?” I asked.

Is she investigating me?

"I gave you your full college scholarship," she replied and smiled afterwards to my great surprise.

“W-w -... what? M-my scholarship came from you?”

She just nodded and smiled but she didn't answer.

Maybe my jaw almost dropped because of what she said. I never even thought she gave me my scholarship.

Let's say that I can't even afford to pay the tuition fee in America because the tuition fee is really too big because I went to an international school.

At that time, the company was still losing money and so I applied for a scholarship.

She turned out to be my sponsor. She gave me scholarship but for what?

“B-b ... but why, Auntie? I mean .... Mrs Selenaya?”

"Because ..." she took a deep sigh before continuing what she was saying. "Neil and I have an agreement."

I fell silent and fainted.

I remember Neil as well as what happened to us and what he told me when we met at the Coffee Shop.

I just don't want to hear what she has to say. It's like sje's just going to make me feel heavier. That's why I came here to entertain myself and not to make my feelings worse.

It's better if I just leave because I'll be hurt more if I stay here.

Suddenly, I stood up but I stopped when she called my name. I did not look back and kept my back to her.

"Sit for a while."

I let go of a sigh before I turned to her. Soon I sat down again.

I kept silent and kept waiting for what she would say next.

She took a minute before she spoke again.

"I want to apologize."

I turned my gaze to her but did not utter a word.

I try to check and read in her eyes if she is sincere by saying that she wants to apologize to me.

From what I can see and read in her eyes, she's probably sincere.

"I'm sorry," she said a little coldly.

I took a deep breath

"I'm sorry because I interrupted your relationship."

She's saying that because of what? Why she's apologizing to me?

"I'm sorry for all the wrong things I did — for offering you money in exchange for you moving away from my son ... but you still haven't moved away."

I'm still speechless. I was silent but my heart was going crazy and screaming.

I still feel the pain as if it just happened yesterday.

"You still haven't moved away from him, so ..." she paused for a moment, so hundreds of things entered my mind again.

Why do i have to stay away from the person I love? I love Neil and money cannot match my love for him.

My love is free but only for him.

"... so I forced my son to leave you, to end his relationship with you."

My chest tightens. It's been a long time but why does everything keep refreshing my heart?

“For me, you’re not for my son. You don't matter.”

I lowered my gaze because I could feel tears forming in my eyes. It eventually condensed and dripped on the table. I did not rub my cheek.

I don’t know if she noticed my tears dripping on the table.

“I used to think that you might just use Neil to save your parents' company. I wanted you for my son then but when I found out what family you came from, I changed my opinion of you.”

I kept lowering my head and tears once again rolled down my eyes. I can't even look at her because I don't want her to see how my tears fall.

Why? Why does she think that of me?

Did she realize the mistakes she had made, so that's what she was telling me?

She was really wrong in thinking money was what I was chasing to Neil. She was so wrong.

But who am I to not forgive her?

"I was wrong. I regret what I asked Neil to do.”

I took a deep breath before I had the courage to look away from her.

“Do you know I always see him crying? That was the only time I saw him cry.” Her eyes grew cold on me. “He is always looking for you. He is always waiting for you. You are always in his mouth.”

I didn't notice that tears were streaming down my face earlier that were constantly falling on the table as I bowed my head. I also sniffed regularly.

I heard her sniff and realized she was crying, so I thought of looking up at her.

We both have a streak of tears.

What she said kept ringing in my head. I thought I was the only one crying but he was too. I thought then that I was the only one crying and suffering from the bait. I thought I was the only one waiting and I was the only one purely looking for him. I thought it would be easy for him to forget me.

I used to think that he might not be looking for me. Maybe he didn't cry like I almost drowned in my own tears.

Why?

“My son loves you very much. He was just forced to leave you because that's what I want him to do. To me, you are not suited for each other. You are not the same. He is upstairs while you are downstairs. I was wrong in what I thought of you before. It was only then that I realized the mistakes I had made when my own eyes saw how my son cried that I had never seen in my entire life. I regret that I didn't do anything before every time he cried in a corner. I did nothing especially when he left the house. I tried to convince him to go back home but he didn't want to. I haven't even been a good mother to him.”

She was already crying as she said that.

After the last thing she said, she covered her face and continued to cry even though I was in front of her, so instead of me crying and accompanying her, I stood up and approached her then caressed her back to relieve the sadness she felt.

"Forgive me, Pershey."

I close my eyes tightly.

Who am I to instill hatred in anyone? Who am I to not forgive?

"I forgive you, Auntie.”