Chapter 119: Chapter 119

Chapter 119

"How are you?" he asked. I'm looking outside while holding a cup of coffee. I know that he's looking at me as he asked that.

I answered, "I am fine."

Unfortunately, I don't know if I am fine. I really no longer don't know if I am okay right now or not. There seems to be something heavy in my chest. The bait seemed to return. It feels like the weight on my chest is too heavy now. It's like I'm back in the past. It's like it's heavy again and again. It's really heavy and I don't know why I am feeling this way. I don't know why do I have to feel this pain again.

He's here now. After 2 years, we met again at our last meeting before it was all over. I feel even heavier than the pouring rain.

Why do I seem to be hurting now? I thought I didn't have everything even if we met again but why is it like this? It's heavy. I feel so heavy right now.

"Long time no see," he said that's why I barely looked at him.

He's still the same. He's still the man I met. He stayed being himself but hopefully... he stayed with me too.

Oh! I don’t know why I’m like this. I should be okay now. I have to be okay. I am okay. It's okay. I'm not okay but it's okay not to be okay. I have no other choice but to act like I am okay.

“How about you? How are you? ” I asked. I'm looking at him now. Many things go through my mind. I have many things I want to say and ask him but I don’t know how to say and ask him those things. I really wanted to ask him.

Why you left me? Why you broke my heart even though you know I love you so much? Why you hurt me? Why did you put me in the situation that you knew would break my heart? Why you let me go?

It is hard to ask those questions but those are making my heart to skip every beats.

It is hard to believe. It is hard.

I'm okay. Is that okay? What is it really?

I thought I was okay but why is it like this again? Why is it heavy again?

"I am okay and happy now," he replied causing me to look at him in surprise. I didn’t expect to notice the smile in his eyes even though his lips weren’t smiling.

I was shocked by myself when I spontaneously smile because of what he said.

"I'm happy to see you again," he added that made me to fade my smile. It seems like something I don't understand.

"Why did you come here alone?" I asked so that we could talk differently.

"I'm always here everyday and every night," he replied quickly.

I immediately lowered my gaze to the coffee I was holding. I don't understand. There is something wrong. I couldn't keep quiet because of what he said. It was as if I was suddenly enveloped in coldness and questions.

Does it always rain here, so he is here every day? Does it even rain here at night?

There are many questions in my mind. I'm confused.

"Does it rain here every day?" that's what I asked to him.

"No, it's rare," he replied.

I turned my gaze back to the coffee so as not to accidentally look into his eyes as well.

"... but I'm really waiting you here," he added, so my mind suddenly stopped.

I don't know where to turn my gaze.

I want to ask and I am confused.

Why is he waiting for me? Is he waiting for me? I am also waiting for him to come back to me.

"... I'm waiting for you here every day, day and night," he continued. I don't know but I feel like I'm getting heavier. Suddenly, my chest aches and tightens. I don’t know why I feel them.

“I dare to see you here because I want to talk to you. I want to see you again. I kept on waiting. ”

I suddenly looked at him. This is how I still feel. I still feel heavy. I feel heavier and heavier. I feel like I can cry anytime.

"Why are you waiting for me here?" I asked.

I fight my tears and emotions that burst. I don't want to cry again.

I am tired of crying, you know that?

"I want to talk to you, Pershey."

"Why do you want to talk to me?"

“I want to tell you everything. I want to apologize for leaving you. ”

I sipped my coffee then looked down at the table. I don't know. I do not understand what I'm feeling. I want to tell him that I am always waiting for him. I want to say that ... ‘I’m waiting for you to come back to me.’ ‘I’m always waiting for you.’ ‘Until now... I’ve been waiting for you to come back even though you hurt me and you left me alone. I kept on waiting because I love you. '

I hope he knows how I feel. I wanted to tell him everything but I didn’t know where and how to start.

I soon thought of speaking. "Why?" I asked and focused my gaze on him. "Why you left me?" I asked again.

"I hope you believe me, Pershey, but I left because I love you."

I lowered my head and closed my eyes tightly as those words seemed to pierce my heart.

Why it still hurts

Why is my heart still hurting? Why until now do I still feel everything? Why am I still hurting?

I should have moved on a long time ago because it was two years ago.

"If you love me, you won't leave me," I insisted. I tried to keep my heart strong so that tears would not form in my eyes. I didn’t want him to see me cry in front of him. I don't want him to see me cry.

What he said? He left because he love me? Where is the good reason for what he said? Isn’t it that if you love someone, you won’t leave him? Why would you leave the person you love?

So why he left? He left because he love me? He won't leave me because he loves me but he still left me even though we both know we love each other.

Is it really like that when you love someone? Do you really need to leave him even though you love him?

I try to understand. I know if you love someone, where he is happy, you will let and support him with the person he loves because you love him. But I ... I'm happy with him and I love him but he left me.

“I had to leave you, Pershey. I had no other choice then. ”

I took a deep breath as I closed my eyes for a moment.

I immediately opened it but I averted my eyes from him.

"You had no other choice that's why you chose to leave me." I turned my gaze back to him and struggled to fight back my tears. "... that's why you chose to end our relationship than to fight for us?" I didn't take my eyes off him even though I could feel the tears slowly forming in my eyes. “... that's why you chose to broke me and let me go? That's why you set me free? Is that so? ” a series of questions I asked him that he was not immediately able to answer.

He lowered his head. I took that chance to take a deep breath.

I feel that. My tears were about to fall when he suddenly looked up at me so I stopped it again.

"Everyone is against us," he said after a while. I immediately took my eyes off him because if I met his gaze as he explained, I might not be able to stop crying in front of him.

I know our parents are against our relationship but ending our relationship is not the solution. He must also fight like I did so that I would not fight alone and lose.

“Your Daddy is against it and so are my parents. They are against the two of us— ”

"That's why you end our relationship?" I immediately asked so what he was saying was cut short. I couldn’t help but let out a deep sigh.

Coming soon. My tears were about to fall. I need to lose weight on my chest so I can breathe properly even a little. I'm getting teary eyed. I can't hold back anymore.

“Why didn't you fight? Why ... why didn't you fight our relationship? ” my questions. I tried to fight back my tears but they were already dripping. I still try to be strong even though my tears are already falling. I just let it go. “I’m resisting, Neil. I fight for our relationship even though our parents are against our relationship. But why don't you even fight back? Why just me? ” those were my questions before I wiped my cheek that was wet with tears dripping down my face.

I notice he is holding back a tear. I want to say that ... ‘All right. Don’t hold back the tears, you’ll just cry, I’ll wipe them away.’ But I couldn’t say.

We both fell silent. The questions I asked him remained questions.

I took a deep breath. We both don’t speak. It feels even heavier.

Not very clear yet.

Why? Lots of questions but ‘why’?

“I just chose to end our relationship because I don't want to make it difficult for you. I don't want you to suffer. ”

What did he say that he did not want to hurt me do stuck in my mind? He doesn't want to bother me? Seriously?

Why?

Did he think everything would be easy for me? Did he think I wasn’t suffering? To his knowledge, I struggled. I struggled too much.

“I had a hard time. I had a hard time accepting everything because no ... I didn't think you would leave, ”I insisted to him.

My tears were forming in my eyes again but I held them back again.

"My parents want me to stay away from you—"

“And you stay away. You left me,” I insisted again with a little laugh mixed with pain.

"I had to give you up—"

"So you gave up and you gave me up."

"Because I love you," he insisted.

"Love?"

I took another deep breath before saying, "You supposed not to leave me." Again, my tears flowed when I said that.