Chapter 114: Chapter 114

Chapter 114

It's not easy to be alone here in America. It's been 2 weeks since I came here. I interacted a lot of people. I met a new friend, new classmates, but still the same. All I want is Neil, only him.

What I didn't expect is to see Caleb here. I saw him last yesterday in a café. I called him many times but he didn't hear me because he's with a girl, a girl with a blonde hair. She's slightly chubby but sexy. She has good looks as him. I am actually wondering who's that girl. She's probably his girlfriend. It is impossible that she's his sister because she kissed him on his cheek.

He probably didn't recognize me yet. Maybe, he didn't notice me because he's busy talking to her.

I'm always touring this place though I'm getting tired of going anywhere. I thought that now that I am here, I can easily forget the past. I thought it could be easy to move on because I moved to another country to study as well as to move on and forget. I was wrong. I thought it would be okay because I distanced myself from him. I thought I could forget him so easily.

I was wrong. He's always here. I'm always looking at him. I'm always waiting for his call or even his message. He's always in my mind from the time I wake up until I close my eyes.

I realized that it is hard and not so easy to forget and restart. He's still here. He's still in my heart. I can still remember those memories of us.

I'm always missing him. I always feel that there is something missing in me. It seems like I'm just half of a whole.

One month have passed since I came and live here. I live in a small condominium unit. Every after class, I am touring this place to feel some fresh air and have some peace of mind. I always took pictures wherever I go.

I can't stop thinking that he must be here with me. I must not be alone in this place. He must be here. We must be together. We will tour this place. We will take pictures of us. We will eat everywhere. We will build another memories here.

But ... I am alone because he left me 3 months and 2 weeks have passed. I can't stop being lonely for being alone. I can't stop myself waiting him. I can't stop hoping that someday, he will come back to me.

I don’t know how long I’ve been like this. I can't stop thinking about him.

He always visits my mind even in every dream I have,he is there. I believe and I hope he comes back. He will come back to me.

“Shey,” a familiar voice of someone behind me. I know his voice. I know his voice and I’m not mistaken. I knew he was Caleb.

I turned to see him. "You're here too," he said happily to me.

“Yeah. I'm studying here, ” I replied.

"Why didn't you even tell me that you're studying here too?"

I didn't answer right away because I'm just smiling on him and thinking for what to say.

"Where is Neil?" he asked causing the smile that had previously been drawn on my lips to gradually disappear.

He didn't know. He had no idea at all. He's not even aware that Neil left me 3 months ago. I thought he already knew what had happened to Neil and me.

"Are you okay?" he asked again. I looked at him and smiled just, so he wouldn't think I wasn't okay. I am okay, is there another choice? Even if it’s not okay, I have to be okay. Let's say that it's okay not to be okay because I have no other choice. “How are you and Neil? Is he hurting you? Is he taking good care of you? ” he asked. I kept on smiling at him but deep inside, I was crying. I don’t know how to tell him that Neil broke up with me three months ago. I don’t want him to get mad at Neil. I don't want him to worry about me. As long as I can handle it, I have nothing to say about how I feel.

I am fine. I can handle it. I can do it. I can just let go of everything I feel in tears.

Three months ago but why is everything still fresh to me? I feel like it was all just yesterday.

Why am I still crying to this day?

"He's ..."

I didn’t know how to tell him everything. Do I have to lie and make excuses? I don’t want him to think I made a mistake in choosing Neil instead of choosing him. I just don't want to tell him. I was able to endure the pain even though the pain in my chest did not subside even though a few buckets of tears flowed down my face.

Maybe it's not the right time yet for him to know the truth. It's better that he doesn't know what happened. He won't worry about me.

"He's taking good care of me," I continued and smiled though it is fake.

He smiled too. “Where is he? Why you're alone here? ”

I thought for a moment of an answer to his questions. I don't know what to excuse again. Do I have to lie again?

"He's ..." I smiled and hide my hesitation. “He’s on a meeting,” I continued though I really don’t know what to say or it is right to lie to him.

“Is he still busy? Why he didn't even go with you? Why he let you go alone here? ”

“I ... I can handle myself. ”

“No! He must be here with you. He should be with you. You're his responsibility. ”

“Actually ... I didn't let him know I came here. I don't want to disturb him. ”

It is no longer right that I lie to him but there is no other choice but to lie.

“Don’t worry. I will go with you to make sure you are safe. ”

“N-n-no need! I'm going home now. I need to rest as well. ”

"But let me take you home."

“No! I can handle myself. Don't worry about me. ”

Someone called a taxi and I got in the taxi. I waved while the taxi was moving.

I leaned over and took a deep breath. I feel like I'm feeling heavier again. I feel like I want to cry but I’m inside the taxi.

I went back in my condominium unit. I sat sluggishly on the bed while removing my sandals. I was stunned by the absence and I felt like I had no appetite.

It's getting blurry. My eyes are blurry because of tears welling up.

I lied to him. I can't tell him that Neil left me. Neil left me though he know that I'm deeply in love with him. He left me even though he knew I couldn't leave him because I promised I wouldn't leave him but he left me.

He promised but where are those promises? I still can't believe that I am alone now.

At the same time we must be studying now here in America. Is this where he is studying now? Is he here too? If he was here, I would see him. I didn't study here to see him but I wanted to study and move on.

I have to move on though it is hard to forget someone you loved. It is hard to accept the fact that we set apart. We let each other go even though I didn't want to but that's what he wanted.

Everything is still fresh to me. I feel like just yesterday we were still happily dancing in the middle of a heavy downpour.

It’s hard to accept that everything is gone. I stayed but he left. Maybe no matter what I try to do just to make him stay, if he wants to leave, he will still leave and I will still be left alone. I never thought he'd ever leave me. I thought he can't because he love me so much.

Maybe this isn’t the right time for the two of us yet. We may not be the ones for each other at the moment. Maybe we just really met but we weren’t destined.

Maybe God has a good plan for us. Maybe he has the perfect timing for us. I just need to hold on to myself, trust and rely on him. Even if everyone leaves me, God, he will never leave me. He is the only one I lean on when I have nothing to lean on. He is the only one who will wipe away every tear that drips from my face. I know I can and I will.

Even if Neil left me, I still had to keep going. It is not clarified to me yet why he had to let me go. Maybe when we meet again, I’ll ask him why.

I don't know where he is now. I admit that I am asking myself how he is. Is he in a good condition? Does he have a girlfriend again? Where is he studying now? Is he here too?

There are many questions I can’t answer and it always haunts my mind.

This coffee is getting cold. I think I want to escape this world. I don't know if I am okay. Am I okay? Am I really okay? Am I okay? In the past 3 months, have I been okay? Am I still okay?

I feel not. I’m not okay and I haven’t been okay. I just acted that I am okay though I'm not.

I have to move on and accept the fact that he left me and I am alone now.

Why do people fall in love ... and then ... end up crying? Look! Can't you hear my laughter? I am laughing while crying. I'm getting crazy now.

“He promised,” I muttered to myself. I'm talking to myself in the mirror while I am holding this empty cup. I just stared at myself while letting the tears flow down my face.

My heart is like an empty cup I am holding right now. There is always something missing in me.

I took a deep breath and wiped my tears. I didn't expect that I will end up crying because of the man I chose to fight for. He didn't even fight for us. He didn't even think of what would I feel if he leave me. He didn't even think of me.

He hurt me. I want to ask why he had to leave. Why he's hurting me this way? Am I not enough? Am I not worth fighting for?

“Why I am still crying?” I asked myself as the tears continued to flow like a river. I feel sorry for myself because I'm always crying.

My eyes never stopped crying. My eyes are so red from crying. I supposed not to cry but I am crying.

He should have thought first whether I would be hurt or not. I will probably be hurt when he leaves me. He should have thought first about how I would feel.

It's been 3 months but it seems like only yesterday. It's so fast.

I have to accept everything. I have to restart.

to move on. I have to set myself free from pain and pasts. I have to forgive myself and forgive Neil, then restart my life.

"How are you, Shey?" asked Caleb.

I smiled first before I spoke, “I am okay.”,

—Though I'm not.

I'm holding a cup of coffee, coffee caramel. I even thought of going to a coffee shop near my condominium unit to have peace of mind. It's just as tiring to sneeze in the bedroom and drown myself in tears.

Then I saw him here. It’s so cold here it seems like I always feel.

“Where is Neil? Is he on his meeting again that's why you're alone here? ”

I sipped my coffee first before I looked at him. I have to lie again every time he asks about Neil.

"He went to Moscow to meet his business partners." I laughed a little and I continued. “He went on a vacation.” I laughed and laughed though my heart is screaming at the worst.

I frowned at his reaction and the way he's looking at me.

"What's wrong?" I asked in confusion. He doesn't seem to believe me.

"How really are you?" he asked and his reaction was changed into something serious.

“I am okay,” I said and I almost laughed.

"No, you're not."

I stopped drawing my fake smile on my lips because of what he said.

“How could you say that?” I asked. Is it obvious that I am not okay?

“Shey,” he gently called me as if it’s so cold just like the weather here in America. "Stop lying and saying that you're okay though you're not."

I fell silent. I didn’t think he would notice what was really inside me. He noticed what I was really feeling.

I'm not okay. I haven’t been okay.

"I am okay."

"Neil told me everything, Shey."

I averted my gaze and turned it into something else so that couldn't see what my reaction was to what he said.

I sighed.