Chapter 115: Chapter 115

Chapter 115

"Stop pretending that you're okay, Shey."

I swallowed the coffee stocked in my mouth. I don’t know where to turn my gaze.

“I already moved on. I am okay now,” I insisted, thinking I haven't really been able to move on from everything that happened to me. I wasn't even okay. I'm still in pain. It’s like I’ve been stocked in the pasts.

"Neil left you 3 months ago."

My forehead furrowed.

"How did you know?"

“Neil told me that he set you free. You know that he really loves you, Shey. ”

I didn't know what to say, so I just sipped my coffee again while I avoided looking at him, so that our eyes wouldn't meet and the tears wouldn't form in my eyes.

I don’t want to cry in this place, too public. I don't want him to see me cry. I can’t afford to cry in a public place.

“He loves me?” I asked after a couple of minutes, my voice almost tremble. It's getting cold and cold and cold. It's cracking.

“Your heart knows. He really loves you, Pershey. ”

I'm trying hard to keep my tears from falling but I can't stop it.

"I'm fine," I said as I sniffed and tried to smile. “I moved on. Don't remind me again.” I still hold back my tears as I say those words. I want him to believe me that I’m okay and I’ve forgotten. I don’t want to cry in front of him.

"I know when you're okay or not, Shey."

I looked at him and fought my impulse.

"Stop thinking that he doesn't love you because he left you."

I took a deep breath as tears welled up in my eyes. I still keep the tears from dripping down my eyes. I could feel the trembling in my eyes, so I closed my eyes for a moment and let my tears flow. I also immediately opened my eyes. I could not bear the tears on my face.

I looked at him again and said, "He's supposed not to leave me." I gave him my bravest look to let him know that I was resisting.

“I know you can understand him, Shey. You can understand him why he had to do that. He has no other choice— ”

“He had no other choice, so he chose to leave me and forget everything we have? Is that so? ” My tears flowed again, so I immediately wiped them away. Even if I insisted on holding back my tears, I could not cope.

“You can understand him, Shey. I hope you understand him. ”

“There is no other choice but to understand others. What about me? Who will understand how I feel? Is there anyone? Does anyone understand how heavy I feel? Does anyone understand me?”

“I am here, Shey. I am always here by your side. ”,

I took a deep breath as I avoided looking at him. I didn't speak because I felt like I was carrying all the sadness and pain in my chest. I feel like I went back to yesterday as if everything happened only yesterday.

I hope I forget easily. If it were so easy, I wish I had never suffered from sadness and grief. I hope my heart no longer feels the repeated crushing.

I can handle it, can't I? I can because I have to get up and start again.

"All right. I have accepted everything and I have moved on. I'm okay now, Caleb. ”

Only then did I look at him after I spoke.

“No, you’re not. You're not okay, you're still in pain, Shey. You shouldn't cry if you're okay now. ”

My mind went blank. He is right. If I’m okay, I shouldn’t be crying right now in front of him. He had already seen how the tears dripped down my face.

I supposed not to cry but I am crying. Is it really required to cry when in love?

Why do I say that I'm okay even though I'm not okay and I haven't been okay because the bait is still in my chest. I don't even know what kind of pretense I will do just to hide the true feelings of my heart, just to hide that my heart is bleeding.

I try to be okay but it’s hard to insist on being okay. I try to avoid sadness but sadness itself is approaching me.

What else can I do?

"You know I meant to follow you here to America to keep an eye on you."

"You ... followed me?" I asked. Is what I heard correct? Did he follow me to America?

"Yes."

"Why ... for what?"

“Because I love you, Shey. I followed you because I love you but ... unfortunately, I'm not the one you love. For you, I'm just your friend, just a friend. It's not me you're looking for, it's Neil. ”

I couldn’t help but look into his eyes because of what he was saying. I feel ashamed to look at him. I don't want my tears to fall again. I don't want to cry anymore. I was so tired of crying all the time. I'm always crying, so it's tiring too.

“But I have accepted everything that Neil is the one you love and not me.

You love Neil and he loves you too. He still loves you to this day, Shey. He's still loving you. ”

This time, I had the opportunity to look at him.

"But why he left me?" My tears flowed again but I was reassured.

“I'm sorry but ... I'm not supposed to explain everything to you, Shey. I know you can understand him. ”

I looked up to pull back the tears that were about to drip again. I feel like I am burdening the whole world. I feel like my heart is being crushed like a tin can. I don't know what else to do now. I don't know if I can keep holding on. I am trying to understand him but I myself do not understand. I was looking in the nooks and crannies of the world for the possible reason why Neil left me.

What does he mean? Didn’t Neil mean to leave me? I know there is something I don't know but I hope he let me know the truth, so I don't guess.

Neil made me feel his love but he told me that he doesn't love me and he didn't love me. I don't understand him once. I can't believe he didn't love me because I felt he loved me. He loves me, he just needs to let me go.

Is this a good sign for me to hold on? For me to stay waiting for him? Do I have to keep holding on? What will I handle?

I admit that I still love him despite the pain I feel until now. It’s still the bait I felt then, I still feel it to this day.

"Shey," he called softly, so I barely looked up at him. My coffee is now cold. “You're a brave woman, I know that. You can get through everything too, Shey. ”

For the first time, I was able to smile without a mixture of fakeness and bitterness. I smiled at what he said. I was able to smile somehow despite the pain.

I slowly walked away to go home. The smile is still on my lips. I continued walking when he called me.

I stopped but did not turn around or speak.

“I am always here,” he continued.

I have come home to my condominium unit. Every day, I avoid sadness. What I do is just to avoid sadness.

I just woke up one morning realizing I needed to move forward. I can't stock up on the past. I can’t just stay between the past and the present. I have to think for my future.

I know I can move on. I can start again.

Tell me that I am crazy in love but I don't understand my heart why it seems like I'm still waiting for him to come back to me.

Fortunately, I also learned to smile again. I am entertaining myself just to avoid provocative sadness. I'm already smiling somehow. I no longer cry every day.

I learned that pain is good sometimes.

I can eat well without crying at the same time. My eyes are not always swollen either. I learned somehow to set some other things free in order for me to forget.

He's still here, to be honest.

Gladly, I got top 1 in class and that probably because I focused on my studies and set aside my sadness and pain.

It's been 1 year since I came here. One year and three months. A lot has changed in me. I am now 19 years old. As I remember, Neil is already turning 20 this month. I actually want to talk to him and ask him a lot of questions. But I cut off all my connection with Neil. I unfriend him on Facebook. I didn't even send him message.

Sometimes, I wonder if he already has a new girlfriend or if he already found a replacement for me when he left me. I would be happy if he had a new girlfriend though I already want that.

I learned that love will come at the right time. Maybe now is not the right time for us.

My heart is always waiting for him. I admit it. How could I unlove him? He's still in my heart. He still haunts my mind and he never goes away, the only difference is that it's not like before that I always cry every time I remember everything. I was already smiling that I no longer had to force myself to smile. It's been a long time. I used to think that I could not cope with the sadness and loneliness because I was always crying and sulking to one side. I always fall into the sadness that almost drowned me yesterday.

Maybe, that's how it is when you learn to truly love. It’s hard to forget especially when you love someone dearly. Sometimes, even though you know you are at a disadvantage in battle, you will learn to fight. Often, even though you know you will get hurt eventually, you still gamble.

That's how it is when you love. You will do everything even if you are the one who is crushed. You will give everything even if you are exhausted. You will gamble on yourself even if you know you will also lose. So when you left alone, your world almost collapsed. But we don’t know that bait has good purposes.

When you get hurt, you will learn. Once you have learned, you already know what is right from wrong.

Learn to surrender the pain to God. God will heal your heart and every wounds.

You will learn how hard the process of moving on is. If you truly love, you will learn everything. You will realize a lot in life.

Not everything is easy but you can't just run away because you think it's not easy. Nothing is easy.

No one loves without being hurt. Everyone who loves is getting hurt, so you must have a matured mindset. You have to be strong enough before you enter into a relationship. Your mind cannot be immature. You need to be matured enough to handle a relationship.

It is also hard, really hard, to forget someone especially to force yourself to forget the person you love. But if you really love him, you gotta set him free.

I haven't experienced Neil being goofy but when it comes to cheating, never go back to the person who cheated on you because everything will just happen again.

Neil didn't cheat on me. I felt that he just let me go. It has not been clarified to me why he left me but I hope he has valid reasons for leaving me.

He loves me. I still feel like he loved me even a year and three months ago. My heart still feels it.

Even though he hurt me, I still love him. He is still here in my heart to this day.