Chapter 113: Chapter 113

Chapter 113

I locked the door of my room. I don't want anyone else to come in because I want to be alone. I want to be alone and just cry all day. I don't want to go out. I do not want to eat. I am weak. My body and my heart are weakening, my whole being. I'm confused. I don’t know why it all led to this. If it's just a dream, I want to wake up. I don’t want to stay asleep if I keep moaning. But even if I slap myself, nothing still happens. I'm not dreaming. Not everything is a dream.

Neil really left me at the coffee shop, holding a cup of coffee, cold coffee.

He said that we are not for each other. He said we weren’t suited for each other. I can’t believe he said those things right in front of me. I couldn’t believe it was so easy for him to leave me. The more I didn’t believe what he said is... that he didn’t love me.

No! He's probably just lying! I felt his love even in the short time we were together. He made me feel how much he loved me, so I can’t believe he didn’t love me.

It's impossible that he didn't love me. I felt it. He made me feel it.

But why? Why is everything still not clear to me? Why do I still not understand why he left me? Why did he choose to sever our relationship?

It's wrong! There is something wrong! He loves me and I love him too but why am I left alone? Why am I crying now? Why am I alone now? Why do I feel the pain and anguish of my heart now?

Why did he have to leave me when I was fighting for our relationship? I am fighting our relationship even though our parents are against us. I fought but why him? I feel like I am the only one who fought. I was also the only one who lost. And I'm just alone now.

He left me. I had many things I wanted to ask and tell him but I was left alone with the things that bothered my mind as well as our memories.

I can’t believe we all ended so quickly. I'm still ready to fight him, but why? Why is it all over? Why does he have to leave me and say he doesn’t love me?

He loves me! I feel that! I felt he loved me! But ... if he loves me, he shouldn't leave me. I shouldn’t be crying now. I shouldn’t be alone now.

If he really loved me, he wouldn’t let me sink into sadness and drown in tears.

At the same time we must resist. We would have fought our relationship together.

But why am I alone now? I never thought he would be able to leave me.

He promised. He promised that he won't leave me but why he left me? Now he left me.

Didn't he tell me not to leave him, but why now? Why did he leave the two of us? We didn't have a problem. We don't even fight. We're okay, so why did he suddenly leave me?

Is this what I've been afraid of ever since. I don’t want to be hurt, but I am hurt. My heart is bleeding. I didn't want to cry, but I almost drowned in my own tears. I didn't want to fight, but I fought, so I was the only one left. I don’t want to love again but I still love Neil to this day.

I don’t know how to start again. I don’t know what will happen in the next few days. It was as if heaven and earth had fallen on me.

To this day, I still feel it. I still love Neil. I feel like he loves me, but why he left me? He shouldn't leave me because he loves me. He loves me!

“Sweetheart, please open the door,” a sweet voice of Mommy Sheraine. I didn't open the door even though Mommy begged me to open the door. I still didn’t open the door because I was sitting on the floor with my back leaning against the door and staring into space while silently crying.

I feel so fucking down right now. I don’t know where and how I’m going to start again. I don’t know how I will get up again.

I'm used to it. I got used to him always being by my side, so I also had to get used to him not being by my side because he left me. I'm used to seeing and hearing his voice but I also need to get used to being really alone now. If he comes back, he will come back. If he loves me, he will come back to me.

He made me feel his love but he left me afterwards. He made me feel so special then suddenly he left me. He made promises but I will be the only one to keep those promises.

“Shey, talk to us. We are just here for you,” said Mommy Yuna. I let my tears fall down my face again. My vision is blurred, tearfully.

How is everything? How were the happy days we had together? How have we developed that dream? I want him to be the last man in my life but how can that happen now that I'm alone? He made me feel his love. How will I be able to forget our happy memories?

Every time we dance in the middle of the rain. Every time we walk while holding hands. Every time he takes me to the garden of peace. Every time we go for a walk with Jess. How are all our memories? I don't want to be left alone but I'm alone now. He told me not to leave him but he left me.

He loves me, I feel that. How can I accept that I am alone now? We will still study in America. We will graduate college at the same time.

"My princess, can we talk, please?" a voice of begging from Daddy. I wiped away my tears and stood up to open the door. I took a deep breath before opening the door.

Their concerned and worried reactions made me feel so damn down, made me weak. I cried more.

I stood while looking at them. I approached and leaned on Mommy Yuna's chest. I couldn't stop crying. I felt their hugs on me. I feel like they sympathize with my sadness.

I just kept crying. No matter how many tears flowed down my face, the weight on my chest still didn’t subside. There seems to be no end. I didn’t know how to stop myself from crying. I don't know how to calm myself down.

"Shh ... don't cry," Mommy Sheraine comforted me. I stepped back and wiped away my tears.

I laughed strangely while my tears continued to flow. I was steady in wiping away my tears.

"I'm okay," I said while smiling and as tears continued to flow down my face. I forced myself to smile even though I was crying.

I looked at Daddy and smiled bitterly. “I am okay, can't you see? This is what you want, Dad,” I said and laughed while crying. “Can’t you see? I am fine.” I cried and laughed while looking at him and gradually, my laughter was replaced by sobbing. And he hugged me. I can't stop it.

I really don't know how and where to start again. I don’t know how I can forget everything.

Am I missing out? Not really, but why did he leave me? He is supposed to be here. He supposed not to leave me.

“I’m so sorry, Shey. Forgive your Daddy. ”

I continued to cry in his chest. That’s how each day is set up. Almost every day, I remember everything and how Neil and I started.

How could I forget him if until now he is still here in my heart?

I cried almost every night because of sadness and loneliness. Until everything is just remembered. The hours don’t go by that I don’t remember him.

We should be college students together. I still remember he wanted the two of us to study in America.

Now, I will keep our promise. I'm alone now but my world can't collapse. I have to keep going.

Even though we are gone, I want to study now in America. I'm already enrolled there. The tuition fee was a bit high but I got a scholarship.

Maybe, this is the best way for me to move on. It is hard to go through the process of moving on but I have to take that risk in order for me to forget and restart my life.

But until now, I still love him. He is still here in my heart and I think he has never been gone. Even now, everything is still fresh to me.

Every time I open my eyes in the morning, our memories immediately enter my mind causing me to cry even in the morning. I fall asleep too tired to cry. There was no day, no night, that no tears flowed down my face. Almost as much as my tears I get tired of crying.

The situation just repeats itself. Cry and laugh, cry and laugh. Sometimes, it's tiring to cry all the time but my tears don't want to stop. No matter what I fight, I still cry. Even while I was eating, when I remembered everything, I just suddenly cried. I feel like it was all just yesterday. Even though I keep telling myself that it’s okay, don’t cry anymore, still nothing. I still can’t stop myself from crying.

Sometimes, I can no longer understand myself why I fall into grief and drown in tears.

I love him so much. Everyone witnessed how much I loved him. I love him so much and I find it hard to forget and accept everything. I can’t understand why until now, I was still hoping he would come back again. I know he will come back because he loves me.

But ... months rolled up so fast. Today is my flight to America. I want to study there. It is not because I want to see him there, but because I want to move on. I need to move to other country for the process of moving on. It's been 2 months since Neil left me. I admit, I'm still waiting for him to come back to me. I'm still hoping that someday, somehow, he'll come back to me.

I know that someone better is yet to come but I want that someone to be him.