Chapter 8: Chapter 8

I had left the window open through the night. I woke up with a cold that I even had to wear a big sweater and stockings before I went back to sleep. I hardly slept past daybreak but I could see the brightness of the day that announced its presence in the room and all I wanted to do was still sleep.

I woke up later when my eyes were tired of being closed and my body tired of lying down. I played songs with my Bluetooth speaker while I cleaned my room. It was Saturday and the day was for cleanup - Mum and Nellie had taught me that much at least.

The strike had been called off and school was to resume on Monday. I was only happy that I would be very busy again. As a Fine arts student, I would be spending most of my time in the studio drawing or sculpting, totally shut away from the outside. More than ever, I longed to be in the studio again.

It was noon when I finished cleaning the room, washing my clothes in between checking instagram and Pinterest.

I lay on the bed and decided to go to Nellie's page on instagram. I had been consciously avoiding her page all morning until then.

She had posted no picture of herself as people usually did on their birthdays. She only posted a write up, "Today is not the same without you."

Facebook chose that day to show me memories from a year ago. Pictures of Nellie and I in very funny poses. I read the post she wrote on my own birthday. It was a very long emotional write up. I wrote no post on hers. I had a lot to say but I did not write it on the internet. I wrote a letter and gave it to her.

All over again I began to remember what we were like. We were like sisters but can a sister say those things she said to me?

What was sisterhood again? There were lots of things I did not know about her. I understand the need for most things to remain secrets and die as that but she should have shared some at revealing times when I told her I once stabbed my father's tire and allowed a boy to touch my clitoris at the back of our old neighborhood church. She could have told me her own secrets but times like that, all she did was laugh and tell me stories about stealing meat.

I turned uncomfortably to different sides of the bed. I did not want to cry anymore. It was not even my nature to cry but I cried a lot these days.

It seems I let my thoughts cuddle me to sleep until my phone rang pulling me out. I picked the call and put it on speaker.

"Kassy, why have you not called Chinelo? "

My mum. Nellie was communicating with her probably making me appear to be the one doing all the wrongs.

I sighed, hugging a pillow and staring at the plain white wall.

"Kass, you should call your sister and wish her well," She continued.

" Mum, I'll call her. I plan to see her later."

"She's worried. Hope you are good ?"

"Yes mum, " I replied, now smiling.

" Call her, ok and be good. "

I rolled closer to the wall still clutching my pillow. I tried to shake away all the thoughts in my head but they remained. I did not care about her past really even if it had played a main role in our friendship; for three years I took the heat of being a called a lesbian. I thought it was my tomboy nature. There were lots of tomboys so I never cared but all along it was like Nellie's past drew my portfolio.

It could have been any time within noon or evening. I did not check. I rose up from the bed, attempting to leave my thoughts on the bed and I walked into the shower. Thank goodness, the shower was still running. I peeled off my clothes and walked under the shower.

The shower ran from my capped hair over my face, it ran down my shoulder to my back. I shivered and moved closer to the wall where the water only ran from my neck down my back. My thoughts redirected and I thought of Linda. The feel of her hand on my neck, the feel of her lips on mine and her breasts brushing against mine. I was not angry and I did not long for a reoccurrence.

It was hard to keep my emotions in a class but they flew everywhere all at once. Then Nellie returned to my mind. I sponged my body; I sponged my lips, I sponged the places where Linda had touched me then I let the shower cleanse me, wishing it could cleanse my heart that was bruised inside - The blood was in black clumps and it ached.

My laptop was my company and distraction till evening. I watched some movies, read one chapter of an eBook, watched some comedy skits and went through my gallery, looking through pictures I took with Nellie.

I dressed up in a blue jean and a crop top and left for Nellie's lodge with her gifts.

The only thing I had done the whole day was figuring out myself and Nellie. The first time we met was in the Porter's room. We did the introductions when she found out I was in her room.

"Nellie. Chinelo," she had said while helping me carry my luggage to the room. Immediately I wondered why 'Nellie', why not, 'Nello' or 'Chi'

The realization that you can never finish knowing everything about someone was scary. What else could be hidden underneath the light conversations, laughter and crazy outings?

'Trobul ' by Sarz and Wurld could be heard blasting through the speaker from the gate as I approached her room that evening.

The door was slightly open. I pushed and went in to meet a sea of faces. Most of them I recognized as her lodge members. They were all dressed up nice and I only came as nonchalant as I could in high waisted jean pants, a crop top and slippers. My kinky hair was even held together with a shoelace.

I looked around, waved hastily to the crowd, before going into the kitchen to look for Nellie.

She was there with a young man. They were having a little argument. I stood back thinking of the best way to announce my presence then she saw me. She smiled like she was holding back.

"Happy birthday, Nellie," I said.

"Thank you, honey," she said, coming in for a hug.

"Kassy, meet my boyfriend, Justice," She said after the hug. "Jay, Kass."

"Oh, good to see you," I said, extending a hand for a shake.

"I have heard alot about you," he said, taking my hand.

I nodded with a smile. "I'm sure."

Nellie was on a grey body con gown that pronounced her curves and edges. Grey was definitely for the caramel skinned girls. Her makeup was neatly done with her cheekbones highlighted. She looked beautiful.

She had the body and face unlike me that was just tall. I could even be called long. My breast was small, my tummy was flat, my butt was just a little curved out. My dark face looked bony to me. Sometimes I felt my eyes and lips were too big for my small face. I was the type people prophesied modelling for and that was just because they could see my collar bones and high cheekbones. I have never been bothered about all these. I loved my look in oversized shirts and polos.

Nellie left the kitchen with her boyfriend and I sat on a high stool in the kitchen still holding my gifts. Songs played after the other.

Joeboy's "Beginning" came on. My eyes scanned round the very familiar environment wondering where she kept her foam. Her bedroom was the party hall with plastic seats and a table for the cake.

Snake's name came into the kitchen carrying a pack of Fanta. She dropped some inside the mini fridge then put others in the cupboard. Then she wiped her hands on her short dress as she walked to me.

She bent and kissed the side of my head. Not repulsed but indifferent, I stared at her.

"I did not know you would come," she said, posing in front of me.

I smiled. "The celebrant is my friend."

She nodded and looked round the kitchen then fixed her eyes back on me. " I'm really sorry about early this morning. I must have said things you did not want to know."

I said nothing, did not even break the eye contact, did not move. She watched me, shifted her weight to the other leg, waited for my response but I said nothing. She twisted her lips and looked around. She was getting uncomfortable - I could see it. Then she walked away. My eyes followed her until she was out.

Nellie returned almost immediately Linda left. I pressed my lips tightly together, watching her as she walked to stand close to me.

"Please join the party," She requested.

I shook my head. " I only came to give you this. I had a busy day. I need to get home and rest. "

She took the bag I used to package the gifts from my hand, all the while watching my face for signs of lies. I was that easy to read. But I don't think she saw any indication. I don't think she would see any indication again.

"I'm grateful," She said, squeezing my hand.

I nodded and hopped down from the stool. She kept watching my every movement. I could tell she was as sad and uncomfortable as I was at the moment. She could be as sad but not as uncomfortable. I knew something about her that maybe she was ashamed for. I could not talk about it amidst other things. I closed my eyes, inhaled and exhaled.

"Nellie, you were right," I said. She raised an eyebrow. "You were right. I was dependent on you, I was clingy but I hope you noticed the tense there and I'm sorry for ruining somethings for you. I'm sorry for everything wrong I did without knowing."

There, I was being the glue mending our cracked friendship, mending my own heart.

"I'm sorry," she said lowly then she dropped the bag of gifts I gave her. "Kassy, really I'm sorry. I'm not complaining. I miss you." Just then, a stray tear rolled down her face.

"I miss you too, Nello," I attempted a different short form for her name and I watched her lips spread with a smile.

" I should be going."

Without looking back, I left the kitchen, walked through the swarm of people dancing to Burna boy's 'Anybody' and got outside.

Outside was now dark and cold, so cold in contrast with the heat building in the room. I stared into the dark wide eyed, trying to fight the tears. They came down anyway. Little treacherous lines running down from my eyes. I sniffed and wiped my face then inhaled and let it all out.

"You are okay? "

I jumped, shocked by the unannounced presence. It was Tony.

"Do not ever sneak up on me like that," I told him sternly.

"I'm sorry," he said but the smile on his face and his relaxed stance did not prove that.

"I'm really sorry," he said again moving from the wall he was leaning on.

I nodded then I told him goodnight before walking away.

"You are leaving already? " he asked, joining me.

"Yeah."

"Let me walk you home. It's late."

"I'll get a bike. This is my area," I said, hugging myself -A poor attempt to hug the cold away.

We were now outside Nellie's lodge gate. No bike seemed to be coming. I was still trying to warm myself. I regretted not wearing a sweater out. I looked at Victor. He was wearing a black jean with a black and white polka dot shirt. He was with his hands in his pocket and staring at the road.

I dropped every atom of useless pride, confidence, independence and turned to him. As meek as I could be, I asked, "Can you walk me home? "

"Let's go," he said, leading the way.

He already knew the way to my lodge. He even knew my room now as Nellie had brought him there.

"You are cold? " he asked, suddenly.

I nodded and for the first time, I noticed I loved his voice. He began to unbutton his shirt and I did not stop him. He handed me his shirt, leaving just the white vest he had on.

I wore the shirt, briefly admiring how his polo clung jealously to him. It pronounced all his manly features - Broad shoulder, visible abs, welt built arms.

"Are you a student? " I asked.

" I'm just here for clearance."

"Oh," I replied.

The streets were illuminated with solar lights. It was my street that had movements. A lot of people were still outside unlike Nellie's side that had a very active security which kept people at that side caged.

"What are you studying? " he asked.

"Fine arts," I replied, not turning to look at him.

"That's a good one. What level now? "

"Third year."

"I would love to see you paint someday."

I smiled, hugging myself again. We were silent. I rummaged through my head for questions to ask or things to say.

"What did you study? " I asked, tilting my head to look up at him.

"Computer science."

"It's a good one," I replied, nodding. "So you can hack systems?"

"Whaaaat? " he asked, laughing. "That's not all there's to it."

I shrugged. "If you say so,"

I felt a stone and retraced to kick it. He laughed.

" Hope you guys are okay now? " he asked after a little silence.

I knew he was talking about Nellie.

"How do you know her? " I asked,  dodging his question.

"Her boyfriend, Justice is my very good friend."

I nodded, thinking of what 'very good friend ' meant.

Was it people that were trying to tolerate you?

Was there really something wrong with someone trying to tolerate you? Does it mean they love you and are trying?

Questions for the seminar speaker, Michelle.

'Very good friend' did it also mean, people you knew nothing about their past, People that others even knew more than you did, people that kept things from you?

Tony walked me to my door. I pulled his shirt reluctantly. I had been enjoying the male scent and the feeling of being close to a male.

Courage floated across and I grabbed it. "Do you want to come inside?"

"Briefly? " he asked, putting his shirt back on.

"No, I want you to spend the night, " I replied.

He stared hard at me, obviously weighing the request. I waited patiently, not for a minute feeling regrets.

" I would love to. It's a very tempting offer but maybe next time."

I laughed to lighten the mood. "Come in briefly then," I persuaded, unlocking the door.

I stepped in and put on the light. He came in after me and I locked the door.

"Would you love Cornflakes? " I asked, going into the kitchen.

" No, umm yes," he replied, unsure.

I made the cornflakes in a bowl with lots of milk. He had pulled his shirt and was lying in a supine position on the bed.

We ate from the bowl just like I used to eat with Nellie but it was different this time. It was filled with silence and when the meal ended, we were not dragging for the last spoon just like with Nellie. He actually left the cereals for me when it was becoming small.

I went into the bathroom and pulled off my jeans. I changed into boxers and a sweater. Briefly it crossed my mind to look sexy with the awareness that a man was in my room and he was interested in me.

I was not even sure of what I wanted or why I invited him in. Was the smell of alcohol I inhaled getting to me?

No guy had ever sat on my bed. It was just the lodge president that came to my room and he always stood at the door.

"Do you want to watch a movie? " I asked coming out of the bathroom. There was no response. I slowly and quietly climbed in beside him even pulling a duvet to cover us. Maybe later at night I would also cuddle him like I hold my pillow.

I felt light taps on my lap. I sleepily turned to the other side of the bed.

"Kassy," I heard.

I turned, wiping my face and staring at him.

"You are still here?" I asked, almost forgetting I wanted him to stay.

"I am leaving now," he said.

I nodded then climbed out of the bed. I wanted to touch, hold, feel him. I wanted to know the feeling that night. I wanted to do all the things Linda did to me.The urge must have climbed as I slept.

"Give me your number so I can call you tomorrow," he said, handing me his phone.

I gave him my number then I returned the phone.

I quickly wrapped my arms around him while my confidence was still very high. He hugged me back and I felt so enveloped. It felt good. We pulled apart and we stared at each other. It was that moment I chose to stand on my toes and press my lips against his briefly before moving back.

I watched him for a reaction. I was not sure of the look on his face. He came close then, dipped his head and took my lips. I was stiff, not knowing what to do but I loved the taste and the feel of his soft lips against mine. It was different; It was manly.

"Just follow my lead," he said against my ear.

"I'm good at this, " I lied.

He took my bottom lip then he took all of me. Slowly I learnt to respond. I learnt to bite and suck just how I can enjoy it. I licked his lips then I traveled to his neck with my lips.

"You are okay?" he asked, pulling apart.

I hid my face in his chest and nodded. He pulled out my head and cupped my cheeks.

"I will call you tomorrow, Okay," he said.

"Okay," I replied quietly.

He pressed his lips at the side of my head where Linda had kissed me and then my forehead before he opened the door. Just then the light went off. It was twelve O'clock. That was when the lodge generator went off.

"Lock the door," he commanded.

I obeyed him then I was alone in my room once again. My lips were still wet. I could still taste him. I could perceive his scent like it clung to my skin, like he was everywhere in the room.