Chapter 7: Chapter 7

It was Friday. I knew that just by the clapping outside and the sound of the lodge president's voice as he led in praises. The day could only be Monday or Friday. Those were the days of the lodge prayers unless someone heard an old woman in the middle of the night or a baby's cry. Times like that, a Vigil would be organised without respect to the day of the week.

I wore a jogger on my boxers and I stepped outside to the quadrangle where the other lodge mates were gathered. I walked quietly till I got a spot I could sit - a broken piece of block.

They sang and jumped around. It got me wondering how anyone could be so active early in the morning. I was the only one sitting, hugging out the cold from myself. I should not have worn just a singlet.

When the worship started, the shouts and jumping became erratic. Everyone was speaking in tongues and thrashing, walking around. I still remained where I sat, offering a prayer of thanksgiving to God.

The prayers finally came to an end and they shared wafers to everyone that came out for the prayers. I took mine, about to go inside when the lodge president stopped me.

"Thank you for coming out today," he said. It was my first time so he must have felt a special appreciation was required.

I nodded with a smile before entering my room.

For the first time, I cooked and I ate alone. I prepared Jollof rice with canned fish and I ended up finishing the pot of rice before noon, more out of boredom than hunger.

I watched, 'A Madea's family funeral ' with my peanuts in a bowl. I was determined to enjoy my solitude. It was the sixth day of the seminar. I decided not to go.

Nellie''s Pooh Bear came in later in the evening. I picked it up from the school park. I got a bike back to my lodge. It was then that my mom called, just as I keyed into the door.

"Mummy, good evening, " I greeted, pushing open the door.

"Kassy, I want to talk to you about something. Are you settled? "

I dumped the wrapped teddy in a corner and collapsed on the bed.

"I'm relaxed now," I said.

"Kassy, I am getting married."

I laughed. "How, are you extending your business? " I asked.

"What is wrong with this one? " she muttered over the phone.

"I'm sorry. I don't know what you mean naa," I said, still laughing.

She sighed. "I'm remarrying, Kamsi. It's Pastor James."

There was silence. I knew Pastor James. His wife was late and he had one very young in primary school.

I had never thought of it; belonging to a full family again, I had never thought of having another father. I had never thought she even wanted to remarry. I had never thought of sharing her with other siblings. I wanted to ask so many questions like, how long they had been seeing but none of it would matter.

" Are you happy, do they make you happy? " I asked.

"Yes, honey. I am sorry we have not talked about this till now."

" I understand that you did not know how I would react," I replied.

"You are okay right, with the whole of this?"

I nodded like she could see me before replying, "sure."

"Have you talked to Nellie? Don't forget her birthday tomorrow."

"I will not," I said.

"Did you get an alert? I sent you something."

"No, sometimes it delays."

"Be fine, just be fine for me, baby."

"Will I be allowed in your new home? " I was unsure why that came out.

There was a little silence before she replied, "Why not? You are mine, Kass. You are mine."

Those words, the way she said it made me remember what it was like growing up. She never left me, she never gave up on me. She was young and could move on but she stuck with me through every storm. Mothers could leave their children for greener pastures but she stuck with me.

"Mum, just be fine for me also," I said.

"I love you, kid."

I laughed before replying, "I love you more."

The call ended then. I looked round my room looking for what to do. I pulled out my box and began ransacking through for clothes I never used. They were mostly gowns, skirts and blouses because I did not use them on Sundays; I never went to church in school.

I knew a lot of things were going to change in me. I would no longer have anyone to scold me in a way that was funny whenever I misbehaved. Nellie's scolding always cracked me up.

So many times more than once I had planned in my head to go over to see Nellie but as soon as the thought came, I wiped it off. I don't stop wondering if we could just move on and forget.

When I was done with my dresses, I went to the kitchen.

I stood at the kitchen door with my lean body against the door frame. I thought of what to eat that night. My eyes went from the cornflakes to Golden morn. I had no strength to cook. I was still standing there in the 'food senate ' when a knock came at the door.

I seldomly had visitors and I knew it was not Nellie. I ignored the knock and continued with my meeting in the kitchen. The knock came again then a voice that sounded like Nellie's called my name. Slowly I walked to the door and I realized then that her knocking would no longer be the same again and we had to return the spare keys of our separate rooms we had given to each other.

I unlocked the door still on the combat shorts and polo I wore out in the evening. Nellie was standing there with Tony and Linda but my eyes rested on Nellie.

"Hi," she said.

I nodded, waiting for her to tell me her reason for being at my door.

"Kassy, I_Would you_" she stopped and exhaled. I waited.

" I came to invite you to my birthday party tomorrow," She said. I could feel her searching my face.

"Okay, Thank you," I replied.

She nodded, twisting her fingers together. It was then Tony waved at me and I smiled, lazily.

"Can I come in? I want to_"

"No, I have a guest," I replied, cutting her off and shutting the door behind me as I stepped out.

"That's no problem. We're not staying long," Tony said. Why was he even with them, an escort, bodyguard or a mediator?

"You can not just come in," I stated more firmly.

" Kassy," Linda called. I glared at her and she looked away.

"Okay, umm_See you tomorrow," Nellie said, turning around.

"Good night," Tony said, he rubbed my arm before following Nellie.

I stood at the door watching them till they left the gate before I went back inside. All the appetite was gone at the point. I no longer had to debate on dinner anymore. I managed to pull off my short and polo then I climbed into bed with my thoughts as loud as another voice.

I tried blanking my mind but it was not working. It was impossible not to think about everything. Now, Nellie no more banged at my door like she used to. Now, she stammered to invite me to her party. A party that I should have been the one inviting others to. Now, I did not know how to be close and free with her again. I had to think about all of that and the thoughts brought tears to my eyes, rolling down to my pillow until I fell asleep.

A knock came from my sleep. I ignored it while staring at the ceiling, trying to get my mind awake. The knock came a second time as light and unsure as the first. I summarized it was Nellie again so I threw on my short and polo back before going to open the door.

Outside my door stood Linda. I brought out my head and looked past her, searching for Nellie.

"She's not here. It's just me."

With a quirked eyebrow, I stared at her. She had never come to my place before. She had no reason to.

"I want to talk to you. Can I come in?"

Something about her calmness made me polite. I shifted out of the way and she walked in. I locked the door but I still stood there, arms folded.

"I know it's not in my place to talk about you and Nellie," she began without sitting.

I nodded. " It's not in your place."

She sighed and played with her fingers before sitting on the bed. I always thought she was skinny, even more skinny than me but I noticed then that her breasts were bigger than her frame. It was not out of proportion but it somehow stood out with the flatness of her tummy unlike my chest that was almost as flat as my tummy.

"This thing you came to do won't work," I said.

" You have to sit and listen to me," she replied.

I went to the bed and sat, leaning my back against the wall. She glanced at me then looked away.

"I really think you should let go. Maka has been hurting."

"Not like me," I replied, "in my frame of mind I would not host a party."

She smiled. "Kassy, she's not mourning."

I nodded. "Still, you have to go. This is not working."

She reached for my hand. I eyed her but did not take it back. Her fair skin contrasted with my dark skin. She laced her fingers through mine and I let myself enjoy the comforting warmth before I took my hand back.

"It's late. You should go."

"I have a friend here. I can sleep in his room."

" Good. Go there now. I need to sleep."

I pulled off my shorts and wore boxers with my T-shirt. I returned to the bed and Linda was still not making plans to go. I was not used to people being in my room especially that late. I was beginning to get frustrated by her presence.

"Kassy, you are being stubborn. I really admire you and Nellie. I would want to see you guys back together."

Why was this girl bent on wasting her time?

I sighed and dragged a pillow to myself. Linda knelt on the bed and crawled till she was a few inches away from my face. My body was aware of the proximity in an unsafe and strange way.

I noticed for the first time that her eyes were really, really small and her lips were a light shade of pink and full.

"What are you doing?" My voice came out shaky.

" I can't fill in the space for Nellie but just for tonight, we could have this fun."

I blinked in confusion and pushed her away. "Nellie and I were not that way."

It was even hard to put her in that position.

I went into the kitchen and gave into the temptation to eat something. I poured some cereals in a bowl and sat on the stool till I emptied the bowl.

Linda was at the center of the bed cross-legged when I came out. Her eyes remained on me as I walked to the bed.

I settled close to the wall. "Really, I'm not into women."

"I know," she replied but quickly straddled me. She balanced properly and held my face. I should have pushed her away but I did nothing and she settled her lips on mine.

The feel of another person's lips on mine was new, strange and awakening all at once. I let her do all the work of nibbling, teasing, biting and licking my virgin lips. Her breast was pressing against my own - they were soft and free not caged by a bra.

My unresponsive nature did not seem to deter her. If anything it encouraged her. She held my neck and her tongue danced with mine while her waist began to ride slowly on my crotch.

I held her face to stop her. She smiled crazily at me. Everything was quick and strange. I did not know what to do so I pushed her off my body and walked to the window at the end of the room.

She held her face in her hands and said nothing. The lights went off. I reached for the electric lantern and put it on. I knew it was midnight already.

"Do you think you can make it to your friend's room?" I asked.

She raised her face and just stared at me. I slapped myself mentally. It was too late to ask her to leave. "I'm sorry. You can stay here tonight."

" Are you holding back because of Nellie?"

" I don't understand."

" I know for sure that she's a lesbian so that can only explain your relationship. You are the bloke and she's the lady."

Amused by the confidence she used to speak about someone I had known for three years, I laughed.

She raised a hand. "Wait, you think I met her here?"

I said nothing. Cross-legged, I leaned on the wall beside the window.

"I actually knew her in secondary school. She was a lesbian and everyone knew."

I did not know why she was telling me but like a missile, the pain shot into me and through me. I just stared. The pain spread its branches and lodged its tree in my throat. I was still silent.

When Linda walked up to me and took my hand, though about shattering, I let her hold me. I let her put her hand around me, pulling my lean body towards her till we could merge into each other. I was a bit taller so her head rested on my breast.

Different emotions played with me all at once - disappointment, betrayal and anger I could not even understand. Oh, I could understand the anger. It came from the place where my heart was cracking.

I disentangled her arms from my body and stepped away towards the kitchen door. "Linda, I can walk you to your friend's room. You should leave."

She wanted to say something but I held up a hand. "Please, I'm not in the right mood to have anyone around."

She nodded. I found my short while she made a call to inform her friend that she was coming.

"I'm sorry if I added to your hurt," she said when we got to her friend's room.

"You are not sorry," I replied and walked away.