Chapter 33: Chapter 33

032

When you try your best but you don't succeed. When you get what you want but not what you need

"LIE TO ME AGAIN AND I'LL FILE FOR THE CUSTODY OF MY CHILD!" Loud yelled in frustration as he threw the paper in front of me. His face was flustered with anger and his lips were trembling.

He cursed and roughly brushed his face with his palm.

I looked down and I saw the results of the DNA test he took to prove that Gem is indeed his daughter. I don't know about it. I guess that is also the reason why he didn't push about it for a while because he wanted to make sure if Gem is his daughter. Now, he's sure and here I am trying to make a lie work.

"You cannot win against me," I stated. We're not married. Hence, Gem is an illegitimate child meaning the court will grant the customy to me, the mother.

"Why? Because you are richer than me?" He frowned.

"No," I shook my head. "It's the law, Loud, unless they see me unfit for the custody of Gem, which won't happen."

"She's nine, right? She can decide what she wants," Loud suggested.

"She will not choose you," I stated, which I should have not because that made him even resent me.

"Oh right!" He threw a fist in the air and frustratingly looked at me. "You selfishly hide my daughter from me and let her grow up with a man she's not even related to. Dad? She calls him DAD!" Loud pointed at me, slowly, I saw tears falling. He wasn't frustrated. He was hurt.

"Var was there with her when she was growing up..."

"BECAUSE YOU LEFT ME GABRIELLA!" He screamed and his voice echoed inside the room. It didn't break my eardrums, it broke my whole existence, especially when he said in a low crying tone, "V-var was there because you left me..."

I held my chest in pain. I looked down and this time I knew I couldn't argue. He was right. I felt him and it was my fault that Gem grew up without knowing him. I never intended to go back in his life, that is why I thought it was the right thing to do.

"I-I was supposed to be there..." He covered his eyes as tears started running down. His breathing was unstable. His shoulder thrust up and down.

I am trying my hardest not to cry, yet hearing him whimper makes it worse.

"I-I was supposed to raise our daughter. I was supposed to be with you and..." He coughed. I went to caress his back but stopped mid-way. I wrecked him. How can I comfort him?

"I was supposed to be the one you'll marry. But, YOU LEFT ME ALONE!" He yelled at me as she stared right into my eyes. I couldn't look at him.

"I did what I had to do a-and..." I smiled, looking at what he had become. "I have never once regretted it."

"You never regretted leaving me and hiding my child from me?" There was sarcasm and sorrow in his voice when it broke.

"I had made a deal with my mother and deep down, I know. I know you know it!" I told him. He's not an idiot. He knew what my family was capable of doing.

"Y-you could have told me..." He cried, clinging to his chest. His face was flustered, his eyes were swollen, and his nose was full of fluid. He gulped any minute to kill the lump on his throat.

"We can make it work," he added. "Y-you should have told me instead of leaving."

I bit my lower lip and heaved.

"W-we both know we can't make it work. We cannot make it work..."

"No!" He protested. "W-we can make it work. I-I can look for a-another university...another hospital--" He stopped when he realized the truth.

"We can't Loud. We cannot make it work because my family will always find a way to ruin you...us..." I bowed down. "So, I am so sorry but I did what I had to do for you."

There are times when I want to go back to him. I want to make it work. I laid down plans to make us both work. I tried making it work but every time I am so close to making it work...it comes running back to the fact that his dreams are more important than mine.

I know he would have done the same thing for me that is why I have never regretted it. I had what ifs but no...it was okay. I know it was the right thing because I would have chosen my dreams, too.

We fell into silence. It was only the exhaust fan and the sounds of the vehicles outside the building that could be heard. He let all his tears flow, quietly sobbed as he leaned on the wall. I did the same. I cried every tear I could until my eyes got dry and we both got tired.

I have no plans for this. I never planned this because the plan was never to see him again. So, I don't know. I am lost with words.

"I will quit medicine," he said after a while.

He wiped his tears, faced me, and repeated the words I never wanted to hear. "I will medicine and find another job that is not medi---"

I slapped him. It was so hard. It bled his left cheeks.

"You will do no such thing!" I warned him. "You are so close to becoming a cardiothoracic surgeon. It's your dream!" I yelled at him to at least knock his senses off and for him to realize it was the most stupid decision.

"I had sacrificed everything for you to be where you are right now and even agreed with my mother even though I hate everything about her!" I cried. My tears just won't stop. "I did it because I know how important it is to you so you don't have any right to ruin it!"

"And..." He gulped. "I appreciate everything, Gabby," he said in a sweet low tone. "But what is the point of everything if I lose you, Gabby. I lost you and I lost our daughter..."

I moved my eyes the other way. I lost him, too. We lost him, too. But it's his dream and I would never want to take it away from me. Given the chance to go back, I will and would always choose to let him go.

Or maybe I would choose to just kill my mother and end it. I sometimes wished I had the power to erase the existence of the people who ruined my life and it's just great to have them gone in glimpse.

How nice would it be?

"So, tell me..." Loud looked at me in the eyes and when I looked away, he pulled me and I had to close my eyes because I don't want to glance at those eyes that would remind me of the things I had loved.

"Is this dream worth fighting for?"

"It is!" I quickly replied. "It's your future, Loud."

He sarcastically laughed. "You really don't know, do you?"

"W-what?"

He smiled, the smile I had missed. The smile that glowed under the moonlight. It was the smile that tells me that at the end of every darkness, there is a light, an everglow. And, he is that everglow.

"You are the future, Gabby."

I held my mouth and fell down on my knees. Loud caught me in his arms. It made me cry harder as he started caressing my back.

"I'm sorry..." I whispered. "I-Im really sorry..."

Loud placed his lips behind my ears. Instead of calming me, I broke down when he started singing, "W-when you try your best, but you don't succeed...When you get what you want but not what you need..."

"I'-Im so-rry..." I kept on telling him over and over again even though my voice wasn't clear because of my sobs. His scrubs were wet with my tears and I could no longer smell his scent. I breathe in my mouth like a child deprived of getting her favorite chocolates.

"When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep...stuck in reverse...and the tears come streaming down your face...when you lose something, you can't replace..."

He continued singing and I tried, really hard, to stop myself, to let go of his embrace. I would lie if I tell you, I want to let go because I don't want to let go. I want to be with him.

"When you love someone, but it goes to waste. Could it be worse? Lights will guide you home and ignite your bones and I will try to fix you..." He wiped my tears and gently kissed my forehead.

"I will try to fix us, Gabby..." He smiled at me and caressed my cheeks. "But first, you have to fix me."

He let go of me, turned his back, and walked to the door.

"Tell Gem everything or I'll see you in court, Atty."

Indeed, I have no choice. But how to tell her?

I fixed myself before going back to Gem. My daughter knew me well so she'd know I was troubled. My cheeks were still flustered and my eyes were swollen. After washing my face, I put on my sunglasses and walked back to Gem's room.

To my surprise, she's not in her room. She was standing at the nurse station and waved when she saw me.

"Mommy! Aunt Zee bought me a banana ice cream. This is nice!" She said as she scooped the ice cream from the pack and ate it.

"By the way, why are you wearing sunglasses?" She surveyed me from head to toe. "Are you okay, Mommy?"

I nodded and smiled. "Yes, it's an allergy. I think I am allergic to something. Just don't know what. I'll figure it out later. For now, we need to talk."

"What are we going to talk about?" She innocently asked. "I am waiting for someone here."

Gem looked around the hallway as she ate her ice cream.

I lifted my brows. "Who are you waiting for?"

"A doctor," she simply replied.

"What? Why are you waiting--"

I stopped when she quickly ran towards the door where a doctor popped out. I cursed upon recognizing the doctor she was talking about but it was too late.

"Hi," She greeted with a wide smile. "You look like my mother. Are you my grandmother?"

Damn! I can't believe blunt Gem is.

My mother's lips parted in surprise. She wrinkled her eyes and then looked around to find me. I immediately walked towards Gem and bowed down to my mother.

"I am sorry. She's just--"

"She looks like you!" Gem pointed at us as she gave us exchanging looks. "You are my grandmother, right?"

"Gem. She is a doctor here..."

"I am your grandmother."

I froze to the spot. I didn't expect her to say that. I gazed at my mother and gave her a confusing look she just ignored. Is she kidding me? Is she plotting something again? There is no way I'll let her decide what's good for Gem. I never liked her decision skills when it comes to her children.

"Nice to meet you!" Gem bowed down. "Thank you for operating on me. I heard you are the one who saved me."

My mother smiled. Is it fake? I can't distinguish her expressions since I learned that everything about her is fake. She never showed real emotions and if she will...ugh! That's not something worth celebrating for.

I still hate her and I couldn't believe you'd hate a person this much. She owes me a lot of apology for ruining my life, and I don't think because she is my mother I am going to accept everything.

"It's my pleasure. How are you feeling now?" My mother bent a little to look at Gem who looked exactly like me which means she's also the younger version of my mother. It's like looking into a mirror.

"I am great. The doctor told me I can go home. We will go home tomorrow. We are just waiting for the doctor to discharge Daddy Var so we can all go back!" She told my mother.

"I see. That's great to hear. You know what happened to you, right? Take care of yourself!" My mother brushed Gem's hair with her hands. "You have very beautiful long hair."

Gem giggled. "Yes. Thank you!" She flipped her hair and moved her head sideways, bouncing her hair.

My mother pulled something from her white coat and handed it to Gem. My jaw dropped. Why am I not believing this? Is my mother on drugs? I mean, I know that my mother will never consent to a child out of wedlock. She should be mocking me right now, instead, she was talking to Gem.

"I'll give this to you."

"It's a hairbrush!" Gem widened her eyes and started combing her hair. "Wow! Thank you so much!" She hugged my mother.

I rolled my eyes. Although, yeah, it's nice seeing them together. At least, Gem met her grandmother. She deserves to know her family even though they are not really family. Maybe, I'll allow her to visit her grandmother once in a while if she will ask. If not, that's even better.

"You are welcome!" My mother stood up and fixed her white coat. "I have to go. I'll see you around."

"I'll see you around, too," Gem replied. "Nice meeting you, Granny." She bowed down and what she said next was out of control that I had her pull away from my mother.

"My mother is now a lawyer. I hope you already regretted what you said to her!"

For the record, I didn't get mad at Gem. I was even proud of her because she can tell that to my mother when I never had the courage to do so. She's really my little girl.

"She's kinda nice but yeah I hate her a bit because of what she did to you," Gem jutted her bottom lip while staring at the hairbrush. "This is amazing! It has a diamond on it. Is this real?" Gem asked.

"It is. But..." I held Gem's hand and made her stare at me.

She tilted her head a bit, waiting for me to say something. "Do you remember what I told you about your father?"

"Uhm, yeah? He left us and he's never coming back so I shouldn't be thinking about him," she answered. She removed my eyeglass and was confused. "Did you cry?"

"No, Gem...listen to me, okay?" I bent my knees and faced her. My fingers curled up the strands of her hair as I put them behind her shoulder.

"I lied."

"You lied about not crying? Well, it's obvious--"

"Can you let me finish first?" I raised my voice a little.

"Sorry..." She said in a low voice.

"Your father didn't leave us. I left him. And, now, I want you to meet him."

Gem raised her brows and crossed her arms. "What do you mean meet him? He is here? Like, here?"

I nodded.

"Why are you telling me this, Mommy?" She moved her head sideways. "I already have Daddy Var. I don't need--"

"You haven't met him and you are already saying that. Give him a chance. He wants to meet you and it's my fault for taking you away from him," I said, trying to change her mind. "Don't be stubborn."

"Fine. I'll meet him," She agreed. "Who is he anyway?"

Gem held my hand as we walked. She started talking and asking about her father. Although, she kept on reminding me not to expect because she might not like the man.

"You'll like him," I assured her as we knocked on the resident's quarter where Zee told me Loud was spending his time.

"How did you know?"

Before I could answer, the door opened. "Why do you have to knock--"

He cut his sentence upon realizing it was me.

"Oh, hello. Dr. Elarde!" Gem greeted him. "Why do you look like that? Did you cry?" Gem noticed Loud's rugged look. He didn't fix his hair. His eyes were swollen and he looked as wasted as I am.

"Hey," Loud said, trying to be cheerful in front of her daughter. The excitement crossed his eyes and he started fixing his face realizing he is now in front of his daughter.

He smiled at Gem.

"Gem..." I called her. "He's your father."

There was silence for ample seconds until Gem said, "You are a great doctor. I don't know if you'll be a great father."

"Gem..." I stopped her. She really has a sharp tongue.

Loud laughed a bit. He leveled down to reach her daughter's height. He placed both of his palms on Gem's shoulder.

"Why not give me a chance to prove it?"

"Yeah, we can do that. You can be my father but you have to remember..." Gem paused and looked at me.

I've seen the pain that struck Loud when his daughter said, "Daddy Var is still the man I want my mother to marry."