Chapter 27: Chapter 27

Jake's POV

Where is my angel? Hopping excitedly, I headed straight to where I know Rosie was.

She had been trying to keep herself busy when I told her not to think about anything.

I understand that she may be bored but I was a little worried she'd be too exhausted.

She never realized but I noticed how she kept on waking up at midnight, silent tears streaming down her eyes. She was having a breakdown and every time I was about to come close to her, I'd stop as I listen to her mumbling series of apologies.

I woke up one time when I heard her sniffling and just as I was able to move, she turned around and pretended to be asleep.

My first instinct told me to move forward, hug her and tell her everything is fine. But then I know it isn't. Even after countless of times I tell her that it's not her fault, I still understand why she still feels like it is.

I am not even sure if she had already mourn over the passing of her friend, all the more reason why I decided to let her reflect on her own, cry her eyes out and have a little time for herself whenever she was having that breakdown.

A huge smile escaped my lips as I reach the door where Rosie is, but before I was able to show myself, I was startled when I heard her voice.

"I'm feeling stuffed," she whispered. Her voice was low but the sound was full enough it resonated until to where I was located.

I decided to lean behind the wall where they won't see me yet I would still be able to hear what they were talking about.

It's creepy, I know but I was curious.

Rosie rarely let out her emotions lately.

The two were silent for a moment and I lifted my head and gaze upward, my eyes landing on the huge space in front of me, my hands hidden on the sides of my pants.

"Rosie, are you okay?" I heard Hyeri noona asked but she did not respond.

Suddenly, I felt my chest beating like crazy.

My heart started pumping out of my chest.

"Park Rosie!" Hyeri noona repeatedly called but she didn't answer.

I was about to show myself when I heard her whimper.

"I have been calling your name but you were so pre-occupied," Hyeri noona told her.

"Have you told Jake about it?"

My brows furrowed. Tell me what?

"Of what?" she asked and based on the tone of her voice, she was unsure herself.

"This," Hyeri noona stated like everything was actually so obvious. "That you're feeling this way about your relationship. That you're slowly losing yourself the more he tries to break through your walls,"

My body froze at Hyeri noona's words.

What does she mean? Did I do something wrong?

I started feeling nervous.

"No," she whispered, her voice unsure as if her mind was off from reality. . "I never saw it like this."

"I think you and Jake need to talk," Hyeri noona muttered.

"I haven't fully healed," she mumbled, but why do I feel like she's telling it more to herself.

"I love him." and my hands balled into fist.

Why does it seem like her love for me is now making her cry?

"I felt different with Jake, I felt butterflies and rainbows." A weird laugh escaped her mouth.

"The mere sound of his voice would make me go weak. And the way he cares for me, the way he thinks of my well-being first before him, those simple things he does makes my heart flutter."

Her words are beautiful but why is it so painful to hear those words now?

"I love him so much I'm afraid to tell him how I feel apart from what I feel for him. I'm afraid to tell him that I'm not okay, that I'm still not fine even after all the efforts that he made."

"Don't cry baby," I whispered to myself. My heart feels like it's going to burst. I can't bear to hear her hurting like this.

"I cannot tell him straight to his face that no matter how comforting his words are, the guilt I feel inside still lingers like gum stuck in here."

My eyes closed, my body started shaking.

"It's fucking painful that all I do is rely on his touch, rely on his love to me so I can escape the reality I've been trying to hide with even before I hop on this bus."

"Fuck, fuck." I don't even know what to think anymore. She's hurting this much and I don't even realize.

"I'm afraid to disappoint him,"

"Rosie ," Hyeri noona calls for her and how I wish it was me calming her down.

"I'm afraid to lose him."

I can't stand this. The pain on her voice is tearing my heart apart. She needs to know that no matter what happens, I won't ever give her up. Never.

Without even thinking, I went out of my hiding and made my presence known.

"Who gave you that shitty idea that you're going to lose me? Fuck Rosie, what are you even saying? Did I do something wrong?" Confused and lost, that's how I am right now. I feel like everything is breaking apart in front of me.

"No," she mumbled, her voice was so weak and it's scaring me.

My eyes widened when I noticed her body started shaking a little, then Hyeri noona pulled her for a hug.

"Jake, I don't think it's a good idea for you to be here right now. You still have a rehearsal to finish," Hyeri noona stated and I can very well recognize the authority on her voice.

"But I need to let her know that I'm just here, and I'm not going anywhere," I'm desperate, so desperate that I am willing to risk getting in trouble for not listening to my manager's words.

Rosie...

As if having a mind of its own, I slowly moved towards her only to be pulled back.

"Jake!" My eyes turned towards my right and I saw Josh hyung pulling me by the arm.

I swear to God if he isn't older I would have flip him over. But I have so much respect to my older members that even on the verge of breaking down, I can't do that.

"Listen to Hyeri noona. Give Rosie a space for a moment. I'm sure Hyeri noona will take care of her," he stated and my eyes met Rosie's.

I wanted to walk closer to her, pull her for a hug and kiss her like how I usually do.

I wanted to tell her I love her, that no matter what happen I will stay with her, for whatever bullshit that comes our way.

But I know I need to back away for a moment, no matter how match it kills me. Because right now, I seemed to be doing a very poor job in showing her my love.

So I did. I slowly moved backwards, away from her.

My mind was too focused on Rosie that three hours had already passed, yet all I did was mess everything up.

One....

Two...

Three....

I've made a lot of mistakes on our choreographies that even I had lost count how many.

I almost ruined a whole fucking performance because my mind was too disorganized. From the corner of my eyes, I can feel the worried glances my members are giving me, and I feel so ashamed.

I am disappointing them, along with the thousands of fans who took their time to be with us. And I know they don't deserve this.

Rosie, as always, would be watching along the crowd but I didn't dare try to check where she is, afraid of the possibility of breaking down in front of these people if we ever lock eyes.

"I'm sorry, I made a lot of mistakes today I know you guys were disappointed," by this time, fresh tears are now falling down my eyes as I do my speech to our fans.

My heart ached at the sound of our fans crying along with me, telling me that it's fine and that I can do better next time. My members encouraged me to continue and I felt so bad about messing up.

I have never felt so glad to receive so much love.

After a few moments, the concert had already ended and now we're already checked in on a hotel.

The sound of the knocking on the door caught our attention but I didn't dare to move.

I know it's Rosie. Even after what happened earlier, she would find me. She's selfless like that.

"Can I see him?" My head hung low at the sound of her voice, my knees started to shake I had to take a grip on them to calm myself down.

"What happened?" Jason hyung asked and my eyes met the worried glances of my member, my right hand grabbing a bottle of booze taking a swig along the process.

After a few minutes, Josh hyung sat in front of me, my arms now resting on my knees for support. Without Rosie, I feel so fucking empty I am barely holding it in.

"Spill," He said in the most serious tone I have ever heard. The guy maybe playful most of the times but I sure do know when I should play with him and not. And now is not the time.

"I messed up," my voice cracked and I couldn't control it, tears started streaming down my face down to the ground as I look down, ashamed to even meet their eyes.

"She's not okay, she's hurting. All this time, I thought I was helping her to get better, only to find out I was actually breaking her even more," I mumbled between sobs and I lost it.

Fuck. Those words coming out of my mouth strucks like a knife, tearing my insides open. I feel so stupid and selfish. That's all I am.

"I didn't know... Fuck, I didn't know I was hurting her all along," I was telling more to myself.

I lifted my head as I stare at my brothers, Jason hyung was rubbing my back.

My head turned towards my right when I heard Yohan hyung sigh.

"Everyone knows you're not tearing her apart Jake, even Rosie knows that. But yeah, I guess you are not helping her get better in the most positive way," he stated and my hands landed on my head.

"Did you ever asked Rosie of her feelings? Not for you but her own," Rome hyung asked. "Did you ever let her decide for herself?" he added.

My brows furrowed. "What does she need to decide for? She have me, and we're in this bus. Doesn't she just have to stay beside us and enjoy?"

"A lot of things, Jake. She needs to decide what clothes to wear, what color of lipstick to put, what music to listen to, what color of shoes to buy, or even what type of food she wants to eat." Haiden hyung answered and my heart dropped for a moment.

"You were so focused on making her better but you failed to realize that you're starting to keep away her freedom from herself. Just because she doesn't tell you doesn't mean what you are doing is okay." Josh hyung added.

"She was having an internal battle with herself and you are there helping her pull herself together. You're both doing it wrong. You're pushing her to into slowly losing herself, and she's allowing you to do so. That - that's what tearing her heart apart." Rome hyung added.

"She's barely holding in. You're becoming her medicine yet she's getting addicted, depending to you and you're being too jolly about it." Yohan hyung shifted from his seat.

"What should I do?" I asked desperately, "I can't lose her, I'd be fuck up," I washed my hands on my face.

I know I probably look like some pathetic loser in front of them but I no longer care. My mind would go crazy if I lose her.

Vash and Jason hyung sat beside me trying to calm me down.

My mind was too clouded I didn't even know how much booze my body took in until I found myself sitting on Rosie's bed.

Even just her back, she still looks the loveliest.

As if having a mind of its own, my hand slowly moved towards her only to stop midway.

I'm so afraid to fuck up, even touching her right now is scaring me.

Knowing that she's just here in front of me yet not being able to touch her makes even breathing hurts.

"Rosie ...." I whispered.

I know I should go but I can't help but tell her what my heart says.

"I'm sorry," I started. It's so painful, my heart feels like thousands of needle is being prick inside it altogether.

"Am I really taking your freedom away from you?"

I can't believe I am bringing her poison all along.

"I thought I was doing the right thing. When I saw you crying, when I saw you allowing that lady hit you, I felt broken. It was so painful I thought my heart was going to explode."

Images of her being hit by that lady while she sat helplessly on the ground flashes before me. I wanted to stop her but I didn't. Because I saw Rosie's expression.

She didn't allow the lady to hit her like that because she can't fight. She did because she was selfless enough to think about how other's people. She was wise enough to realize that it was the best thing to do at that time.

And it was. I was goodamn proud of her that time. She put down herself to share the hurt other people has within them.

"I don't want to see you getting hurt or even see your cheeks getting tear-stained. All I want to see are your smiles, and hear the cute sound of your laughter. I want you to know that even though one person was out of your life, there are too many people to fill the gaps. But I guess I was doing it wrong."

A long sigh escaped my lips. By this time, my eyes were now focused in front of me.

"I should have known that it's not easy to move forward after you lose someone. Maybe Yohan hyung was right," I snickered. "Doing all those things so you would forget him seems like I was making you runaway like I did when Samantha noona left."

And that's all it took for me to lose it. I was crying and I can't stop, until I felt my body slowly sliding over the bed until I was sitting on the ground.

"That's what I'm good at anyway, running away." I mumbled.

Because I'm a selfish bastard. I hurt those people I love.

I pulled my knees closer, tucking them around my arms, covering my face along the process.

"Jake..." the sound of her voice made my heart flutter. Even at my unstable state, she can still manage to make my inside frenzy.

Just as I lifted my head, our eyes locked and I see thousands of expression all over her face.

In a swift, she was down on her knees, her warm hands cupping my face lovingly.

"I'm sorry," I said in between sobs and she just shake her head.

"You did nothing wrong babe. You've been nothing but a sweetheart to me."

Even after everything, she's still trying to make me feel better.

"If I didn't hear you, if I didn't decide to check on you, I wouldn't even realize that I'm so close to taking away your freedom making you feel like you've lost yourself. That's not love, that's selfishness. And I'm being selfish by keeping you to myself." I told her but she just pulled me closer to her. I was crying my heart out.

"I didn't intend for you to lose your smile. And I thought that I'm doing a good job at making you happy, but seeing you break down like that crumble all my hopes," I pulled away a little and our eyes met.

"I don't want you to leave. I don't want you to leave me and be just a part of your memory. Is that so wrong?" I asked her.

Fuck, I'm letting my emotions control over me.

"Shhhhhh," she whispered and her voice brings comfort to my soul.

"I won't leave you babe," she whispered to my ears and my arms automatically wrapped around her body.

"Not now, not ever." she assured.

And that's all it took for me to calm down.

I didn't know how long it was but we stayed on the floor for a while, bringing each other comfort.

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The smell of sweet vanilla continously sending tingling signals through nose and slowly, my consciousness started taking over, waking me up from my bittersweet slumber.

My eyes squinted a little as the bright rays coming from the open drapes on the window started hurting my eyes.

After a few moments, my eyes were able to fully adjust on the light, my body slowly recovering, matching itself from my delayed consciousness after just waking up.

Right then, I slowly felt the light weight resting on my right arm.

My insides started churning after seeing the ball of strawberry blonde hair greeting before my nose. I just love how the smell of her shampoo lingers within her. Or maybe she just naturally smells so good.

After last night, there are a few things that I've realized.

She's not okay, and I'm not either. As much as I would like to deny it, I finally noticed the cracked hiding within our relationship. Though I know we would find a whole lot more as our relationship progress.

She had forgiven me about my futile attempts of somehow controlling her, which I didn't even realized, but that doesn't mean she will easily forget.

That's what I thought even though she continually tells me she forgives me while she ushered me gently to calm myself down.

But then, I know myself that it made an impact in our relationship. Whether it will bring us any good, I'm not sure.

However, I'm more amazed with the realization of how selfless she can be.

I took a deep breath as my hand gently strokes her disheveled hair.

She seemed like an angel sleeping soundly beside me.

Even up to now, I'm not even sure how I ended up having her.

My eyes closed at the memory of last night's events.

It hurts.

These past few weeks, I would notice how she would show that she'd move on from Mark's death, that she's fine but I brushed it off.

The stupid me thought that it's okay to let her think that I didn't notice she's pretending.

Or maybe she is unaware herself?

She said she was okay but every time she's laughing, I noticed how she stops midway because she would remember.

She remembers while she's on her way to every arena where we have to perform. From the corner of my eyes, I'd notice how she'll suddenly fall into deep thought, unfocused about the beauty that surrounds her.

She remembers while she's trying to get herself to sleep.

She remembers every time I see her smiling like nothing has ever happened.

She remembers when I professes I love her.

She remembers because she's hurting. She's broken and she can't trust me fully because she remembers.

And even after having her in her most invulnerable state, I still hurt her. And it's fucked up to realize that I have hurt the people I love.

And even after what I did, she's staying because she's trying her best. She's staying because she loves me.

The saddest thing is, after forgiving me, I am still afraid I'd keep doing things that will hurt her or might even make her realize that she doesn't need to be afraid of being alone, of living without me.

I pressed my lips at the top of her head, before slowly moving out of the bed, removing her head from my arms.

Her body stirred a little but after a while, she was once again sleeping soundly.

When I was sure she isn't awake, I grab my phone which is resting on the top of the bed side table and walked further away from her so she won't be awaken.

After careful thinking, I pressed the number sitting on my phone's favorites until I heard the continues ringing on the other line.

"Hello, Mom?" a smile automatically emerged on my face when I heard my mom's voice.

"Is there something wrong sweetie?" she sweetly asked and I can picture her on the dining room, probably having a breakfast with my father.

"Nothing, I was just checking on you and Dad," I told her. Hearing my mom's voice made my insides be at peace and calmer.

"We're fine. Do you want to talk to your dad?" she asked and I wasn't able to respond immediately.

My father is not a man with many words, so it's not that easy to converse with him. He's the type to talk whenever he feels it's most needed.

"It's a girl isn't it?" I suddenly heard my father's voice and I started coughing at his words.

I know he can't see me but my cheeks were probably all red by now.

I heard him chuckle on the other.

"So it is." he stated and my other hand landed at the back of my head, scratching it in nervousness.

"When will we meet her?" he asked and I was silent for a moment.

And then I was startled when I felt a pair of arms snaked within my waist, the sweet scent of vanilla intoxicating me all over.

It amazes me how the mere scent of her would made my entire being surrender.

My hand landed on her hers as she hugs me from behind, her cheeks pressed against my back.

A smile spread on my face.

"Soon, Dad. Soon."

Once the call ended, I slowly turned around, pulling her closer until her cheeks is now resting over my chest. I wrapped my arms around her head, rubbing her hair a little, while her arms were clutching over my body.

We swayed back and forth enjoying the peace enveloping us, my cheeks resting at the top of her head, my eyes close as I feel her warmth within me.

"I love you," I whispered and she did the same.

As long as she's with me, I'd be holding on.

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