Chapter 34: Chapter 34
I hate when he gets mad storming off like that. Why can’t he see this from my point of reasoning? I want him not to feel obligated to pause his life for my sake. Is that too much to ask after all we have been through? Why can’t he believe I want him, always letting his insecurities cloud his heart?
I lay on my bed deep in thoughts. I’m done crying, lately I’ve been feeling awfully sick and I know the time is getting close. I don’t want to miss prom, that’s why I’ve decided to have the operation after. Now he came like the spoilsport he truly is to ruin the beautiful moment we had. How we go from having fun, smiling and joking about anything and everything to arguing and fighting each other is what I can't fully understand. I really want to get mad at him but at the same time I get him. I get it why he got mad and walked out on me. How frustrating it can be to let go when all you want is to hold on and never let go. My only fear is what he does whenever he gets angry because the last time he got consumed by his anger, it didn't sit well for the both of us.
Don’t push me away please, for the sake of my sanity.
Can I risk his love for something that won't last? Every day I feel myself growing weak, the migraines getting severe, the meds I’m this close to flushing down the drain and the surgery I’ve finally decided to have. Mom and dad were both ecstatic during our weekly visit to the hospital when I revealed to them and Doctor Khan I’ll be having the operation. A council of top surgeons in the field were quickly consulted in LA where the operation will be taken place. The light brown skin doctor had a smile on her face reflecting that of my parents own. Yes, I also did have a smile but it was just a façade shielding the doubts and fear in my head laughing mockingly at me at the dumbness of my words. Will I survive this?
Closing my eyes I breathe deep, in hopes not to break down in my room. How hard can a teenage girl’s life become because I think mine should be a block buster movie.
“Honey.” My eyes shut at the soft call of my mom. Quite sure when I don’t open up she will leave, I need to be alone right now. Well that is what I thought until I heard the door creak open, I groan internally. I feign to be asleep maybe that will do the trick instead the bed deeps a body pull me in and a familiar scent wrap me in its warmth. Austin. He came back. My heart flutters in warmth. Turning to face him, he stops me.
“Stay.”
Just that simple command registered and my body obeyed. When all I wanted is to look into his hazels, watch the way his beautiful face stares down at me arrogant, possessive yet loving. Have the feel of his hand caressing my face, his eyes keeping me trapped under his smouldering gaze and the best part, the smirks that have me rethinking why I want to leave him to another realm. Traitorous snake.
“I’m sorry…” I blurt out first hating when we fight.
“No I’m sorry. I shouldn't have stormed off like that knowing how sensitive it is for you after Bailey's party. I needed to clear my head a little bit only to realise how selfish I was after much thinking. I’ve always been selfish maybe I still want to hold on to the thin thread of hope praying you survive and I'll be right there by your side because deep down I’m scared. I’m scared to lose you Snoopy. I can’t have someone I love leave me again snoopy especially not you. That’s my deepest fear, losing you. It’s driving me crazy I can’t do nothing but just watch you leave me slowly that’s why…that’s why I need you to have the operation. If there’s a slim chance you will survive I don’t want you to lose it. So let me carry my cross alone. It’s my choice to wait on you. Mine alone.” hearing his broken voice confess his deepest fear had my eyes blurry in tears.
“Just, just promise me you’ll fight. Promise me even on that bed you’ll fight to stay alive. You have to come back to me. Promise me.” I sniff feeling my throat clog up due to the big ball of shuddering sobs that causes my body to shake in light tremors. A lone tear slip from my eyes. Can I promise what I don’t want? What I’m tired of fighting for?
“I’ll fight Austin.” Knowing that’s my only answer and not exactly what he wants to hear, he sighs burying his face on the dark crook of my neck. Hugging me tight from behind as if scared to let go; he whispers drowsily, his voice heavy with sleep.
“Please don’t leave me, I love you so much Snoopy.”
The manner at which he said it broke the dam free, silent tears slip past my eyes, his soft breathing fans my neck telling me he's asleep. I told myself I wouldn't cry no more countless times, and yet again my heart squeeze tight, my throat burned and my eyes pinched at his soft plea. Vulnerable, yet firm. Knowing the true answer to his question I can only hope he forgives me when the time comes.