Chapter 38: Chapter 38

ALMOST three minutes have passed since the taxi driver dropped me off in front of Valjerome's mansion. And because I was with him, the guards we passed by allowed the car to enter. I remained standing while staring across the mansion. I can’t help but smile bitterly as I think of the years I have spent in this house.

It's been a long time but it feels like it all happened only yesterday...

I let out a sigh then walked inside. Jaime immediately greeted me. Based on his look he gave me, I could already feel the gratitude there. I then wondered if Valjerome is treating his staff so well that they worry for him this much. The hollow in my chest doubled even more because of that.

I hope he was also able to treat me well before.

I just dismissed that in my mind and focused on the reason why I am here. That was Manang's request, for me to take care of Valjerome. Even though I was reluctant to see my ex –husband, I still chose to go because of what my son had said earlier.

For almost six years, I was carrying my anger and resentment towards Valjerome. Maybe it's time for me to let everything go. I'm also tired of criticizing, hurting and blaming. I need to get well to start anew.

I was serious when I gave Chaos a chance. I may not be feeling anything for him yet but I am really willing to give him a chance. Aside from the fact that he deserves it, I can also see how much he values ​me and my son. Maybe it's time to try again, to take a risk, again.

"I am glad you came," Manang greeted me.

I smiled sparingly and looked up at the second floor when I heard a noise there. It wasn't that loud but because of a series of soft crashes it caught my attention.

"Go on. He's been shooting inside since earlier," said Manang, showing concern in her tone.

"Is his room open?" I asked.

Manang nodded and heaved a deep breath. "Dear, I know I have no right to interfere the relationship between you and your husband, but I hope you would listen to him."

I wanted to correct Manang when she said husband but I haven’t done it because I heard two crashes from the upstairs again.

"I'm going to him, I bid goodbye and walked towards the stairs.

With every step I take, my brain seemed it was running for miles. It’s funny that I’m overthinking but I can’t determine what I’m thinking.

I stopped walking when I reached the façade of Valjerome's room. I stared at it for a few more seconds and then knocked three times.

"Leave," I heard him spoke from the inside.

I breathe deeply and pinched my fingers. "It's me," I uttered.

I don’t know if he heard that. I heard no answer from him until I was just surprised when the door slowly opened.

Valjerome's tired eyes immediately welcomed me. From my place, I could smell the wine coming from him. His long hair is disheveled and his eyes are red.  I couldn’t help but to notice even his bedroom, littered with broken utensils and empty wine bottles.

We remained silent for a couple o seconds. I could feel him staring at me as I averted my eyes.

I held my breath as he moved quickly to hug me. My face dug into his chest as he hugged my waist tightly. It seemed unbelievable but I feel like he's so scared of losing me. An illusion I had believed repeatedly in when the two of us were still together.

"V-Valjerome," I stammered when I felt awkwardness.

"Just five minutes, please. Five minutes," he whispered hoarsely.

I could have done nothing but let him do what he wanted. Soon after, as he said, he let go me voluntarily. He was swaying a little, perhaps because of the amount of alcohol he drank.

"I'm dreaming again, right?" he asked, looking at me softly.

Again, I averted my eyes. Seeing him like this was new to me. I'm not used to him like this. I was so used to his cold aura, his powerful posture, his indifferent stare. It’s all the opposite of what I seeing now.

"You should go to sleep, Valjerome," I said and hesitated to approach him.

I held him from his arm to support him. His eyes immediately landed there.

"I miss this ..." he whispered and then glanced at me. "I miss you," he added.

I tightened my grip on his arm and I barely averted my gaze. "Stop lying, Valjerome. Come on, go to your bed already," I said coldly and let go of his arm.

I was about to walk towards his bed to make it up but I was completely frozen when he hugged me from behind. The next thing happened, stunned me.

"I'm sorry." He started crying on my shoulder. "I'm sorry for everything. I'm sorry for hurting you, I'm sorry for being the worst husband, I'm sorry for ... killing our child."

The corners of my eyes began to shed tears as I remembered everything happened in the past.

"I know I don't deserve your forgiveness. But still, I want to say sorry. I know there's nothing that my apology can do but I want you to know that I'm sorry for everything."

He sobbed and cried louder. "I'm sorry, Jazzie. I'm sorry," he said, sobbing.

I didn't bother to answer. I just let him repeatedly apologize while we both cried incessantly.

"You're right..." I felt him take a deep breath. "Even if I tell my reason, it’s definitely useless. What happened has already happened. Whatever my reason was, I know that's not enough to justify everything."

Slowly, he broke the hug and gently held me to face him. "Kill me," he muttered which stopped me. "Kill me, please," he muttered constantly.

My throat went dry hearing him beg to end his life.

Valjerome took the gun from the side of his pocket then placed it in my palm. "I made him cry," he said as tears were streaming down on his cheeks. "I made Erom cry. Kill me, Jazzie. Please, kill me."

I gulped and stared at the gun. If I could measure all the pain and agony he gave me, it would be easy to do what he asked.

Valjerome distanced himself and kneeled in front of me. On his bended knees, he looked up at me¾begging with all of his strength. I had seen him cry over our son before, but this was the first time I had seen him cry like this.

"Let's end this. Let's end each other's suffering. Kill me, Jazzie."

Once again, I stared at the gun. I shook my head slowly and then looked up to stop my tears from flowing.

"Where, Valjerome?" I asked weakly and glanced at him with my teary eyes. "Where did it all go wrong?"

I weakly pressed the magazine cover and let the gun fall to the floor with it.

"We were okay back then¾when we were kids until we grew up. Did everything change when we got married? I just thought you didn't like me so that's how you treated all the time but you changed." I wiped my tears and laughed painfully. "I believe you changed because you were threatened when a man entered our world. You were nice to me, you were tender. I could see my value in those days. Why? Why do you make me hope if all of that aren’t true?" I asked resentfully.

"Have I done anything bad to you? Have I not been good to you for you to do all of that to me? I endured it all, Valjerome. You, making out with other woman in front of my face, disregarding my existence, your meager attention given to me, I tolerated them all. And even a little consideration, you can’t give it to me before?" I kept releasing my anger, the resentments I had accumulated for over the years has now finally been released gradually.

He did not answer immediately. He was restraining himself from sobbing while remained kneeling in front of me. His shoulder shook in profound crying as he crouched on the floor.

"I..." he whispered after a few seconds. He lifted his gaze to me as he continued to cry.

"I loved you, Jazzie," he continued and took a deep breath. "Believe it or not I loved you the whole time we were together. No...I still love you, that is the truth."

"Liar," I said immediately as my palm clenched. My anger resurfaced in my chest.

"I know you won't believe that because of everything I've done to you. I'm not apologizing for you to come back to me, I just want you to live peacefully because I know you're questioning yourself in everything."

I gritted my teeth and averted my eyes.

"I needed to protect you back then, Jazzie," he said hoarsely.

I quickly glared at him. "Protect?" I laughed sarcastically. "I that your own definition of protection?" I mocked.

"Yes," he answered hoarsely and stared at me. "That's the only way I can think of to protect you from my enemies¾to keep myself away from you. That's why I did everything worst when we were together just to make you stop loving me."

"But I still did, Valjerome. I accepted your flaws!"

He looked at me softly. "That's why I loved you more, Jazzie."

I badly wanted to hit him, but I controlled myself. I closed my eyes tightly and then looked sharply at him.

"Stop fooling me, Valjerome," I warned.

He smiled painfully. "I am not fooling you, Jazzie. That was my real reason."

"Then why? Why did you choose to abort our child if you love me?!"

Valjerome lowered his gaze. "Because...I want you to run away from me." He looked up again and tears were quickly streaming down to his cheek. "I want you to run away with our child. I want you to hate me, I want you to take care yourself, I want you to choose our child. I said those because I want you to run away from me."

"But you made sure I had aborted my child, Valjerome! You even threatened me!"

"Because I want you to stop working things out with your ruthless husband, Jazzie! I want you to stop loving me.” He cried even harder. "My only mistake was that I hoped. I hoped that you’d leave, that you would refuse at last to do everything for me. I even cleared all the guards that day. I even talked to the doctor in case you asked her to stop the abortion and I waited outside the room, I hoped that she will signal to me in case you wanted to run away but…" he trailed off and sobbed harder. "You still chose me."

"Why is it my fault that I loved you so much?"

He shook his head. "I'm not blaming you, Jazzie. I'm blaming myself for everything. I'm the one to be blamed for everything¾only me, myself and no one else. You and our children are just victims of my wrong decision."

"Is that why you filed out a divorce the next day too?" I laughed out loud while crying. "How much do you want me out of your life and you did everything to get me out?"

"It's my way of protecting you. My father...died, Jazzie."

I stiffened after hearing those words.

Valjerome's shoulder shrugged in tears, seemingly worrying about everything.

"The day when I started being cold again. The day I received the black box...my father died, Jazzie." He slowly looked at me. "It contained a photo of him tied up, full of gunshots in his body," he said tearfully.

"B-Why didn't you tell me? Y-you should talk to me that day. Do you think I can't understand everything?"

"How? How can I tell you that you also have a photo there and I know you’ll be next in the coming weeks?" he immediately asked again and sobbed in tears. "How can I tell you that my father was the one who killed your parents?"