Chapter 40: Chapter 40

"Nothing's wrong here, you're upset and you should calm down, that man is brainwashing you. Has he told you something about me?" She asks getting up.

"No, he hasn't told me anything about you. Should he tell me something?" I look into her eyes, I'm already tired of her way of acting and reacting every time Kahin is near us.

"No, he has nothing to say," she sighs and walks over to me, "that man is separating us daughter," she lowers her tone and softens it, "I can see how he manipulates you, don't forget what I have taught you about those kind of men, darling," she kiss my head and I think about it, he didn't manipulate me like I did him, but he left without saying goodbye, he doesn't take my calls, or answer my messages, why would he do this?

"But he promised to get over this together, he told me he still loved me, why would he leave? Why not answer me? I don't want to cry anymore," I whisper, "e couldn't leave me, couldn't… ”I mutter in disbelief, " he must be in a meeting and that's why he doesn't answer me, I know he's busy, don't keep my cell phone, he'll call me." My mother smirks.

"I don't want you to worry, let's go rest daughter, you need it." Trying to get the bad thoughts out of my head, I obey.

Days go by and my misfortune is increasing, my body is healing but my feelings are more hurt than before, the fear that I have of the world does not let me go out, the many sessions with the psychologist only make me worse, sadness and depression are all I have now.  Kahin, the man I told I loved disappeared and has not shown signs of life, that man has been passing me for a week, he has left me, he lied to me.

"Let's go skinny, it's been a week, at least we're going to my house, you must take a breath and leave this room," Carla said and I refuse, terrified, going outside is a unique fear.

"I don't feel like it, I just want to be here," I look at her, "hasn't Loan given you news of Kahin?"  My friend purses her lips and shakes her head.

"He doesn't know where he is, maybe when he gets to Panama he can help us better," she smiles.  He has told me he will not be long and will be with us soon.  A sob shakes me.

"Why did he promise me something that he wouldn't keep? Why did he tell me that he loved me when he didn't, and that he would take care of me when he wasn't going to? Am I so grossed out?" My friend hugs me.

"I don't want you to think that, you don't suck, you're worth everything, you're strong and determined." I look down.

"Don't lie, I don't have the strength and I'm worth nothing, I can't get out of this, I can't even remember what happened to me" I put my hands on my head "Kahin left me ... He left me because they raped me and I'm no longer worth anything to him," I let out the crying that I was holding.

"Don't cry anymore darling, I can't see you like that anymore, you're slowly killing yourself, look at yourself ... You're thinner and don't take care of yourself, Marilí please ... Try it, if Kahin is gone it doesn't matter, you're a woman, take up arms and you can get ahead by yourself, you don't need a man to be what you want to be." Those words that pushed me to move on are now simply empty words and meaningless to me.

"Good morning." Greeted Randon, he has not left me alone at any time, he has prevented me from leaving studying, he has kept me afloat with my family.

"Hi, bad boy,' I wipe my tears, I don't like him to see me crying, he blames himself for everything that happened to me and I can't allow him to think that.

"Hi Black," my friend greets him, just for me she treats him a little more.

"I brought chocolates, cherry ice cream, and McDonald's," my friend claps.

"Glutton," I look at them, I don't feel like eating anything, just being alone, "you didn't have to worry Randon."  He walks over to me and kisses my cheek.

"When will I see you smile again?" I shrink from him.

"How can a damaged and heartbroken person smile?" I glance at my friend and she shakes her head.

"Precious, maybe he's on a business trip and ..."

"No Randon, don't try to make this pain any more bearable, he lied to me, left me and disappeared", looking down, I continue, "'m worth nothing, no one would want to be with someone like me, I'm sure of what I'm talking about."

"Don't talk like that, you know I don't like it when you talk that way," Randon admonishes, "you are worth everything, you know that it is easy to fall in love with you, anyone would love you even with what happened to you," he's upset, "I can't understand what you're feeling, because if I say I understand, I'm lying, I haven't been through what you have, but what I do know for sure, is that you never give up, you never let circumstances get away with it. Come on, you always turn everything around and if you don't know how, you learn and do it." I hold back the tears.

"You are strong, capable, intelligent and ver, very determined, you have everything as a woman. I know that there is nothing worse than rape, but you have advantages, if it weren't for the injuries, physically, you would not know that they abused you, I know that even those damned do not pay for what they did, but you have life ahead of you, it is still early, I know, it has only been a week and your aching heart only makes that bad feeling stronger, but you can get up, try it step by step and leave those bad thoughts behind, you have us and our mothers," Carla said.

I look at the two people I love so much, those who have never left me alone and fight day after day for me to look good.

"You're right," I whisper, "I have to try, I have to do my part and move on, forget about Kahin and bite the bullet," I try to smile, it's the first time I've tried after what happened to me, "come on, at least now I can go to the bathroom by myself," I shrug and they laugh.

"That is my girl," clap my friend.

"That's you ..." Randon winks at me, "now, time to eat and watch movies."  We settled into my bed to enjoy Frozen.

I pay little attention to the movie, my head does not stop working, no matter how much I want to be strong, no matter how much I want to get ahead, I just can't, it hurts that Kahin left me now that I needed it the most, it hurts to know that precisely he, who said he loved me like nothing in the world, has left me. The helplessness of not knowing who hurt me and that they are out there as if nothing happened, fills me with anger.

After watching a movie series, my friends left and I was finally alone the way I like it. Lying on my bed on my back I look at the front wall, the picture I drew the day I lost my virginity, it brings back many memories, seeing Kahin immortalized in it, it hurts. I ignored what my mother warned me, ignored all her advice, I wanted to solve everything by myself and now everything went wrong, Kahin left me at the worst moment and as if that were not enough, he lied to my face like a cynic, knowing what I would do.

"Hi dear," my mother comes in and lies next to me, hugging her, I lay my head on her chest, "why don't you take that painting out of there? My darling, that only hurts you more," letting out the tears, she whispered.

"I don't want to take it away, I want to remember how cruel people are when you give them your trust, I feel bad mom, I don't want to feel that way anymore, I don't want to miss him, I want to forget what happened to me and I want to go back to not being afraid of anything," my mother strokes my hair.

"I know daughter, I know you didn't want all this to happen, but you're doing well, in just one week you have made a lot of progress, daughter you are strong, I never tire of saying it," she kiss my head "you must forget that man and move on, you have two great friends, your aunt and your mother, we will not leave you alone, we never will." Hugging my mother tightly, I try not to cry anymore, I just have to forget and continue.

"I just want to close the loo," taking my cell phone that they were able to retrieve with my clothes and my bag, I open WhatsApp and click on it.

'You promised you wouldn't leave me!'

I send the message, then block the number for chat and calls, if he left me it's time to drop him.