Chapter 39: Chapter 39

"We are here for you, you don't have to be alone," she pulls away and strokes my hair, "you are strong and intelligent, without a doubt this will mark you for life, but I know you and you always take advantage of what happens to you" she smiles at me, "you don't remember anything darling and although I know that this gives you impotence, I also know that you want everyone to pay, but for this I need you strong and focused," my friend's words give me some strength, but how can I avoid feeling like this?  so degrading?  How can I trust myself again?

"I don't know Carla ... How can I be the same with this? I know I don't remember anything and I feel useless about it," I look at Kahin, "will you love me like when only you touched my body? Will you love me the same as before knowing that more than three men have touched me?" He looks at me with crystallized eyes.

"I need to talk to my wife," hearing that word makes me cry, if I had accepted what I felt for him this wouldn't have happened to me, if I hadn't listened to my mother, maybe I wouldn't be suffering in this way.

"No way are you going to be alone with my daughter," my mother interposes, "she needs me, not you," she spits out the words in disgust.

"Mom enough is enough, stop treating him like that, please," I ask, already tired of her mistreatment against him, "I have fallen in love with Kahin and I don't care about his age, he may be 10 years olderbut I still love him, don't you understand?" My mother looks at me with pain and tears in her eyes.

"Are you going to prefer him over me?" Her question hurts.

"No, I won't, but you have to understands that I love him, mom I'm devastated, insecure of myself and I just want to know if he will continue to look at me with the same eyes as before, I'm trying not to break down, I'm trying to get past of my physical, emotional and psychological pain, to move on, you must understand that Kahin is part of my life and he's important to me, I need to know if he will continue to love me, because if he will not do it anymore, it means that I am no good, that I am insignificant and he finds me dirty" the grudge I speak with is not for my mother, but I have paid for it with her.

"Cami let's give them space," aunt Lourdes hugs her and takes out my mother who is crying as if she has lost me, being alone with Kahin I look at him, I try not to cry, I don't want to cause him pain. Carla and Rando left too.

"I don't want you to feel sorry for me, I don't want you to stay with me just for everything I've said, if you tell me that you will continue to love me and I realize it's a lie and you've only said it out of pity, you're going to hurt me twice as much of how you would hurt me right now by telling me the truth," he leans closer but I stop him, "don't touch me, please, don't do it," I say, afraid that he might hurt me by touching any of my wounds.

"You don't know how much it hurts to see you this way," his voice is nothing more than a whisper, "I hate myself for not taking care of you, I hate myself for not being there for you," his red eyes and not because of fury, does not leave me, "I will never stop loving you Sweet, you are my love, my faith, my joy and you are that which teaches me everything I do not know, you are my woman and you will always remain so, because even when I die, you will carry me in your heart," tears run down my cheeks, it is a silent cry full of feelings.  Kahin has gotten into my heart hard and deep, now I don't doubt him, now I don't think about what my mother told me, now I just want to get over all this and get on with my life, if it's possible to do so.

"Never leave me, I need you," I confess, "I'm sorry I put you through all those things, I was scared and I was afraid you would play with me" I close my eyes because of the pain, now that I'm calmer, "I'm sorry, I don't know if I can overcome this, I don't know if I'll be the same again, but I'll try to live, but one day I refused to live," Kahin approaches and even when I avoid it, he kisses my lips, that contact made me uncomfortable knowing that someone else has kissed me and done what he wanted with me inhibits me.

"You have to rest, I'll call the doctor, we'll talk later" he caresses my cheek and wipes the tears, "I will take care of you as the most precious thing you are to me, you will not suffer anymore, we will overcome this together. Sweet, I have missed your smile," hearing that makes me sad.

"How to smile now? How to be happy with this?" I ask, his eyes reflect the anger he feels.

"I'll call the doctor."  I watch him go.

***

Everything is wrong, everything is strange and now that I have accepted what I feel for Kahin it does not bring me any joy, I thought that would make me happy and make me forget all this nightmare a bit, but it is not like that, the pain persists and the desire to remember to make everyone pay for what they have done to me remains with me. My body doesn't hurt as much, my private parts still kill me, I feel emptier and sadder than I remembered.

"Mother?" I look at her, she's reading, "I need to go to the bathroom, can you help me?" She nods, going to the bathroom is a nightmare, when I wash up, I don't even want to touch myself.

"Be careful with the probe," my mother is quick to hold me as I stand up, a groan coming out of my mouth, "come on honey, slowly, calmly." Every step I take is an extreme pain that I feel, the tears come out and run down my cheeks, they already know the way.

"I can't stand it mom," I stop, "why did this happen to me?" I ask looking at the floor "why do I have to suffer like this?" My mother gasps.

"I don't know daughter, but here I am for you and everything you need, we have always gotten ahead together and this is no exception."

Hearing that makes me look at her, "where is Kahin?" My mother looks at me without expression, "mmma, where's Kahin?" I ask louder.

"I do not know," she says bitterly, "come on, we need to get to the bathroom."  With a racing heart I obey her, I must call him, he could not leave without saying goodbye to me, he had to do it as he always did.

Once I take a shower, they feed me that horrible hospital food and give me medicine so that the pain does not make my life more impossible, I rest in bed, Kahin does not respond, does not write to me and does not give signals of life.

"Mom, he left me, he lied to me," I say with pain in my chest.

"It's better this way daughter."  I look at my mother with a frown.

"Was it you who kicked him out? Mom, did you do anything to make Kahin leave without telling me? You have no right!" My mother's expression breaks down.

"How can you think that of me?"

"Please mom, I know you, you don't like him and I know what you're capable of. Why do you hate him?" Why are they always like this? Why do they act like they know each other? I can't deal with this situation anymore, my life is miserable enough for my own mother to take away from me, the man I love and the only one who would be willing to be with me even with what happened to me.

"Enough Marilí, don't say more ..."

"No, that's enough. What's wrong?" I interrupt her, "tell me what's wrong and why don't you want to tell me things? What happened between you and Kahin, why so much hate?" My mother stiffens her face.