Chapter 54: Chapter 54

As we drive, I glance over at Richie, his gaze is fixed on the road and his expression is unreadable. We have been on the road for almost thirty minutes now, and I have no idea where we are headed. I try to ask Richie, but he just brushes me off, saying it’s better seen than heard. I still have no idea what that means but I know it gets me more worried.

The silence between us is starting to get to me, and I can't help but feel a little anxious. I fold my hands in my lap as I twirl my thumbs around each other. I have never been this nervous before. My heart is beating as fast as it was earlier, I’ve known Richie for a long time now but this is the first time he’s ever spoken to me in such a profound tone, I have never seen him this serious before and that is the main reason why I agreed to come along with him, I have to see what he wanted to show me.

A few minutes later, Richie pulls the car at a cemetery. I turn to look at him, confused and more than a little unnerved. "Why are we here?" I ask, but Richie just smiles enigmatically and gets out of the car. I follow him behind as my heart starts to pound in my chest.

We walk among the gravestones, and I keep wondering why Richie brought me here. I don’t feel good about this, this is my first time in a cemetery and I feel very anxious about it, I mean it’s dark and quiet. I just don’t like being here. As we continue walking passing multiple gravestones, I try to shake off my unease and focus but I can't help feeling like something is off.

Walking through paths, Richie stops to collect some flowers. He makes me hold the flowers and without saying a word he turns around to continue walking but I halt his actions. "Richie, I don’t understand. Why did you bring me here?" I ask looking around the graveyard.

"I had my men do some research and they found out where she was buried."

"Who?" I inquire. My heart starts to hammer in my chest as I wait for Richie to say something, but he doesn’t and just turns around to face the gravestone behind him. I do the same, and as I read the name written on it, my heart lurches in my chest, my stomach twists and my breath goes numb as I try to process what I just read.

MAYA ELLEN SINCLAIR

April 17th, 1974 - July 20th, 2013

Beloved daughter, sister, and friend.

Loved by all.

The gravestone is my mom's and seeing her name etched in stone feels like an emotional dream to me. I never thought she was buried, I thought they burned down the house with her in it. But now, seeing her final resting place, I feel a sense of closure and peace that I never thought was possible. It's like I finally have a place to go and visit her, to feel her presence once again.

I walk closer to the gravestone and I run my fingers over the letters of her name. Memories begin to flood my head as tears fill my eyes. I still can’t believe I’m standing in front of my mom's gravestone. I never thought I would get the chance to do that, to feel her presence.

I sit down on the grass and smile weakly as I ran my hand over the grass.

"I will give you some privacy," Richie says from behind me.

I nod, not taking my eyes off the gravestone. Looking at the stone, I remember how life was when Mom was with me. Every memory I shared with her flooded back into my head and I couldn’t help but be overwhelmed with emotion.

"Mom," I cry out, my voice breaking. I don’t know where to begin with, I have so many things I want to tell her but I don't know how to put any of it into words. I take a deep breath and close my eyes, trying to calm myself down but it didn’t work because tears abruptly start to stream down my face, and I can't hold back the sobs any longer.

"I… miss you so mu…" My words breaks up and all I could say were stuttering sounds. Hot tears stream down my face, and I squeeze my eyelids shut in the hope my tears would stop.

I'm in zero control of both my emotions and tears right now. I can't speak without tearing up, and my throat feels tight like there's a lump in it that won't go away. As I open my mouth to speak, no words come out of it only silent whimpers. This is harder than I thought it would be, I have always thought of this moment but I never thought It would be this hard.

I take a deep breath, trying to compose myself, but it's no use. The tears keep coming and coming, I could stop them. I cover my face with my hand as the tears keep falling. I had to cry, needed to. For the first time in ten years, I feel her presence and I know she can see me. Tears continue to stream down my face but I don’t stop them; I couldn’t.

As I feel a hand on my shoulder, I take my hands off to look at the person, and to my surprise, it's Richie. The tears that were welling up in my eyes start to fall as I nod letting Richie wrap his arms around me. He holds me close and I bury my face in his shoulder, feeling the warmth of his embrace.

I close my eyes and take deep breaths, letting the steady rhythm of his heartbeat and the familiar scent of his jacket wash over me. Richie continues to rub my back slowly, offering me the comfort and support I so desperately need. Finally calmed down, I pull away and gaze back at the gravestone. Richie excuses himself without saying a word.

Releasing a heavy sigh, I begin to speak "Mom," My voice sounded barely above a whisper. "I don't know where to start. There's so much I want to tell you...so much I wish I could share with you."

I pause, feeling a lump form in my throat. "I miss you," I say finally. "Every day, I miss you. And I wish you are here with me, to see all the things that have happened in my life since you've been gone."

I feel a tear slide down my cheek, and I wipe it away with the back of my hand. "Every day I think about you and how life would have been better if you were here." I pause for a moment, trying to control myself. I don’t want to cry anymore.

"A lot of things have happened in my life, and for starters, I got engaged but…." My teeth sank into my bottom lip as I try not to let the sadness take over. I pick a few strands of grass to distract myself.

"I have a friend named Rebecca, she’s really nice and I’m sure you would love her," I say as tears well up in my eyes. My breath starts to become shaking as I fight hard to keep my tears at bay; I have cried enough. I don’t think Mom would be happy to see me cry.

I pinch my elbow to distract myself from the pain that is building up inside me. Releasing a heavy sigh, I speak "I… I have…I…" I burst into tears. I can’t do this, I can’t pretend everything is fine.

"I’m sorry Mom, I’m really sorry but I can’t do this. I can’t hide it from you. I messed up, I couldn’t take the revenge, I couldn’t hurt him as he hurt you, I couldn’t do anything and I’m sorry." Tears stream down my face as I say that.

"I’m so sorry Mom. I….. I just couldn’t." I rest my head on the grave ledger as I continue to sob. I stay there for a few more minutes, sobbing before I finally pull myself together. I don’t move away from the grave as I stay silent for a while listening to the birds chirping in the tree nearby.

"I love you, Mom, I love you so much," I kiss the gravestone as I wipe my tears. I place the flower on it as a wave of emotions wash over me. I smile weakly and stand up to leave. While leaving, I continue to wipe away the tears that keep falling.

As I look over at Richie, I notice him leaning against a tree about ten feet away from my mother's grave. I wonder if he heard everything I said. Richie’s face mask of sympathy and I can tell that he's there for me even if he doesn't say anything.

When we get to the car, Richie follows me around to the passenger side and opens the door for me before going back to get in his side.

After a few minutes of driving in silence, he looks over at me. "You okay?"

I nod not wanting to talk about it. I look out of my window, swallowing the sobs that are fighting to break free. Today didn’t start well but tonight changed everything and even though I cried most of the time, this is the best moment of my life. I never thought I would get the chance to feel my mom’s presence but I did today and it’s all because of Richie.

Still gazing at the window, I say "Thank you." I turn my gaze to Richie and see him smiling weakly at me. He closes my hand with his and I feel a sense of comfort wash over me. It's reassuring to know that he's there for me, even if he doesn't say anything. I give his hand a gentle squeeze to show my appreciation and turn my gaze back to the window, watching the fields and trees whizz past.

After a few minutes, I'm able to compose myself and turn to Richie. "I don't hate you, Richie. I tried to, but I couldn't and I don’t think I want to." Saying this has been on my mind all night.

Richie looks at me, a bit surprised at first before a smile washes that expression. He then pulls the car over to the side of the road. "You don’t?" He inquires

"I don’t."

A beautiful smile tugs around the corner of his lips as he moves a little closer to me. He wipes a drop of tears away from my face as he rests his forehead on mine. "I know it hurts to lose someone you loved and I know it hurts more knowing that the person is gone because of someone you care about." He says quietly

"When I watched you talk to your mom, I realized how hard it must have been for you and how much pain I caused you. I keep apologizing to you but now I know an apology won’t fix anything, maybe nothing will."

Richie releases a heavy breath as he takes his forehead off mine. His eyes are filled with tears and I can see the pain and sadness he is trying to hide. I reach to wipe away his tears but he pulls back not wanting me to see him like that.

"I can’t keep hurting you Rach, I just can’t." He says quietly as he wiped his tears.

Sighing, he turns to look at me "I love you Rachel and I will always will but I can’t add up to the pain you are feeling right now. You want me to leave, I will but if you ever want me back, I will come back." He says; his voice fills with sincerity and his eyes never leave mine.

My heart feels like it’s crumbling into a million pieces as the weight of his words bear down on me. I don’t know what to do or say. I don’t even know what’s going on in my head all I know is that I don’t like seeing Richie like this. I hate to see him tearing apart. Lost in my thoughts, tears begin to stream down my face. Richie reaches out to wipe away my tears, and as he does, I see the love he has for me in his eyes, I don’t ever want to lose that. I’d already lost my heart; my mom. I don’t want to lose my love; Richie.

Richie and I stare at each other in silence for what feels like an eternity, lost in our own thoughts. Finally, I speak up, my voice filled with emotion. "I don’t want you to leave." My voice was barely above a whisper. "I want you to stay here with me, by my side."

The pain of my mom’s death is still fresh in my mind, but I don’t think I can handle the thought of losing Richie as well. He's always on my mind - day and night - and all I want is to be with him and I think my mom would want; she always wanted me to be happy.

Tears well up in Richie's eyes, and I feel my eyes beginning to moisten. We wiped each other's tears away, and he kissed my forehead gently. "I'm not going anywhere," He whispers.

I smile as I feel his hand gently touch my cheek, his fingers trace a line down my jawline, sending shivers down my spine. "I love you, Rachel," He says, his voice fills with emotion. Even though he had told me this before, it feels special like the first time. I look into his eyes, and I see the sincerity and depth of his feelings.

"I love you too, Richie," I say, my voice trembling.

He then leans in to kiss me, but before he did, his eyes sought permission, I smile in response as he presses his lips gently against mine. I feel a rush of emotions that I can’t explain. The world around me seem to fade as I lost myself in the bliss of the moment. I wrap my arms around his neck, pulling him closer to me. Richie deepens the kiss and I respond in kind as his tongue gently explores my mouth.

As we finally break apart, I can feel my heart beating faster than ever before. I look up at him, and he smiles down at me, his eyes filled with love and tenderness. He then gently rests his forehead on mine and I feel his breath on my face. We stay like that for a while just staring at each other’s eyes.

At that moment, l feel happy, safe, and secure. I realize I made the right decision, I want to be with Richie. This is all I ever wanted.