Chapter 17: Chapter 17
: MUTUAL GRIEF
She was sleeping when Chris arrived at the hospital. She looked so peaceful, serene even. Four years of being brain dead; she has been like a living cabbage, living yet dead, alive without actual life. The last four years, all his family had done was hold onto a tiny thread of hope. Time without number, they had considered plugging her out from the ventilator machine, just to let her go and rest easy.
Two days ago, when that call had come in, the word "awake" had been engraved into his mind. Could it be true? Was it even possible that in his life, there would be a time fate wouldn't be so cruel.
Christiana had been moved from Lagos to Ibadan to reduce media attention. Immediately she was cleared for transport, he planned to fly her out of the country for better treatment. Chris clung to her as he held her hand tightly, unconsciously conveying his intention to never let her go again.
Soft hands massaging his head woke him up. Shock numbed him as he looked up to find her smiling weakly at him.
"Christina" Chris sobbed.
"Grumpy, why won't you let me go".
"Never, diva. Never." he shook his head furiously at the mere thought.
When they were 7, Christina had wanted the perfect birthday with a princess Cinderella theme whereas all Chris wanted was to take pictures and be left alone. He had loved photography so much back then but she wanted all the pomp and fuss. Chris had frowned throughout the whole party, thereby ruining all her pictures. She had angrily stumped on his foot saying:
"You are always so grumpy. How are you even related to a diva like me?"
Chris would never forget how angry she looked. Since then she called him grumpy and in return he called her diva. The memory of that day now made him smile.
"I missed you so much diva. Never leave me again"
"Grumpy, you have been my other half from birth. Thank you for always protecting me from big mummy, loving and caring for me. I’m sorry I was too weak to fight my addiction throughout the years." Christiana sounded weaker the more she spoke.
"Are you okay diva? Chris clicked the call button beside the bed so that nurses and a doctor could come in.
"I’m fine grumpy. Why do you always frown, taking the entire weight of the world on your shoulders? Smile for me, smile for your diva"
He smiled brightly at her request. When a team of doctors came in to check on her, they had worried faces. The machine between the siblings was beeping loudly. The doctors were doing one thing or the other on her. Chris clasped his hands together in fear and tense apprehension. He didn't want to lose her again; not after just getting her back. The machine began beeping normally again, so she pushed the oxygen mask off her face.
"Smile, grumpy. Forgive and forget your diva. I can't fight anymore" tears rolled down her weathered face then she flat lined. The doctors present tried everything they could to get a heartbeat again.
Chris felt like he was drowning. He hadn’t waited four years only to have her leave him again. She couldn’t just die like that. They had overcome her being brain dead, he knew they could beat this as well. All Christiana had to do was wake up.
"Christiana! Christiana!!" he shouted frantically and moved to shake her awake like he always did when he was trying to wake her up for school. She has always been a deep sleeper. Maybe the doctors weren’t trying enough. He felt hands holding him back from his sister and he saw a nurse cover her face with a piece of white cloth and declare her time of death. Chris fell back on his chair, resigned. He stared at Christiana’s body as the hospital officials prepared to move her to the morgue.
When she had been wheeled away, he finally moved his eyes from the spot where Chrissy’s body was some mere moments ago and found their mothercrying into a doctor’s shoulder.
Chris left the room and walked as far away as possible from it as he could. He needed to breathe, away from the suffocating air that surrounded the hospital room. He didn’t know what to feel. He thought he had been prepared to lose her for the past four years she had been in a coma but it didn’t seem like he was.He had sat beside her bed every month, reading her favorite books to her and saying goodbye to her every time he visited. She had been dead a long time and Chrisknew it and now that she was really gone, nothing could prepare him for the loss.
He walked till he found a courtyard adorned by lots of flowerbeds and seats. Chris sat far away from everyone present in the courtyard. He was filled with rage and didn’t want anyone close to him at the moment. Fate had somehow always been cruel to him. How could he dare think this time would be any different? How did he dare hope?
He heard a rustle of leaves behind him and turned to see. It was her.
She looked different in her deep blue scrubs with a lab coat over it. This once, he wasn't interested in having any kind of conversation or argument with her. He got up and made to leave until her soft voice stopped him "Wait, don’t go".
In the years to come, he'll remember the sincerity in her voice as it urged him gently. He turned back to look at her "What is it this time?"
“Sit” she told him firmly. She sat beside him, saying nothing. They both looked out at the trees and flowers around them. It was inconclusive how long they sat there, just basking in the silence and serenity of their surroundings. The leaves danced gently to the wind’s ballad, its rustle the only noise around them, creating a semblance of peace. Chris let her smell and presence wash over him. He turned his head to look at her and realized she was holding the hand he had left carelessly on the space between them. The little gesture brought the tears he couldn’t seem to conjure earlier to his eyes.
"Why was she so kind to me?"
"Cry it out or it will eat you from within. Grieve or you'll feel guilty later on. Smile as you remember whoever it is, holding on to how they wanted to be remembered" she urged.
Chris broke down totally at those words. She didn't hug him and he was grateful for that, he needed to believe that he was strong and still in control of some happenings in his life. She held his hand firmly and looked ahead.
An hour later. Chris was exhausted emotionally and physically.
"Before she became addicted, she was good you know? Her light was always bright. I left her behind. I was tired so I left. If I never left, she would never have become a drug addict. After she overdosed on drugs four years ago, she was declared brain dead by doctors. I hoped she will come back to me and she did, only to have her really go this time” He explained to her as he placed the tissue she had given him under his nostrils to prevent snot from running down.
"Did she say goodbye?
"She did. Yes"
"Then you are lucky. Lucky she said goodbye and you got to see her smile one last time. Not everyone is as lucky as you are. Some people can't even afford to keep her this long on a ventilator machine. Four years is a long time to hold on and you did. You got a miracle, most people aren't that lucky”.
"Have you lost someone too?
"My sister. Shayo and her boyfriend were sohigh; they drove off a bridge. I never got to say goodbye. I held it in and it was so painful. I was the only available family member so I identified her body at the morgue. Do you have any idea how she looked? She was so bloated. Blue and black lines marred her beautiful skin and she was so cold. I can never erase that image.For a whole year I didn't cry, neither did I mourn for her. Don’t make the same mistake I did. Whatever reasons you have for placing the blame on yourself, see someone. Speak to someone and let it out" she replied sadly.
"I’m so sorry for your loss" Chris said as he spotted the sadness that took up presence in her sad doe eyes for the first time.
"Me too. I’m late for my shift. I have to go" She brought out a pen and scribbled a name on an unsoiled tissue "Moses Nduke". She folded the sheet into his open palms. "You can go to the psych ward and see him or visit his private practice". She got up and made to walk away. Chris held her back and quickly said
"Thank you ".
She gave a small smile and left, leaving a wake of stillness behind. Chrissat on that bench hours after she left, not minding the mosquitoes as they feasted on fresh food. He recalled every moment with Christina that he could. He'll miss her daily but the truth is he had lost her before today. He smiled to himself and cried. His biological half was gone. He knew he hadn’t seen the end of this phase. He knew his pain had deep roots but he'll see that psychologist for Pamela and Christina. Maybe someday he'll be pain free. He left the hospital that day with a strange kind of peace.
30 missed calls.
Chris had been so distracted; he hadn’t noticed his phone ringing. He returned his mother’s call and she informed him that she had taken care of the necessary paperwork at the hospital and had returned to Lagos. When he got to hiscar, the driver was fast asleep behind the wheels. Chris knocked on the window and he jumped up, alert.
"Oga, where did you go" this wasn't Obi but Faruk. Faruk had been Chris’ friend since his days as a wheel barrow pusher and a bus conductor. When Chris returned to the country, he had offered his friend a job at his office but he only had a primary school certificate so he offered to be Chris’ driver part-time. Chris paid him handsomely, way more than a normal driver earned. Since he was not always in the country and he had a full time driver in Obi, Faruk was usually free. This freedom, he utilized by attending an adult literacy program.
As they drove out of Ibadan, Chris randomly asked "Faruk, how did you know Noorie was the one"?
"I prayed, but what I felt the most was love not lust. You know the first time I met her, she slapped me but there is this pull you can't resist. It binds your soul. It keeps you wanting to know more and go deeper. You'll certainly know the person is yours. Have you found someone?" Faruk asked as he smiled coyly at Chris through the rearview mirror.
"I’m just curious" Chris replied while actively refusing to meet his eyes.
"Liar. Even if you don't know it now or you don’t want to accept it yet, the truth is clear in your eyes. I'm sorry about your sister. May Allah bless her with jannah".
"Thank you, Faruk".
Chris’ phone beeped, notifying him of a new message. He didn’t want to read another condolence message and was just about to remove the message without reading it but stopped when he saw the sender’s name. He tapped on it and it read:
"On to rest the departed has gone, left with pain as we try to shoulder on.
Depths of loneliness and dreary days are what we see ahead, our homes now empty at their demise.
Oh, how to go on with no strength left?
The furnace of my rage at fate burns brightly like the Hades.
But I’m here, the still voice replied. Right here in your heart. My home forevermore" _Pamela.
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