Chapter 24: Chapter 24

- Letting it out- Phobias

Deila's pov

When I heard him express himself freely at the restaurant, I felt awful. He had been mad so mad and I fretted as I had never seen him that way before. But then I couldn't blame him, thinking back to my choice of words, I knew didn't choose them well. Saying I didn't think it would hurt him the way it did was quite unreasonable of me.

Yes, I knew he felt so much for me as I did him, but I had always tried to make myself believe I exaggerated what we had and that I loved him more. I didn't know why such fucked up thoughts ran through my mind, maybe I used it to justify ending things with him without any explanation.

The image of him Dawn had sent to me two years ago was still fresh in my mind. The picture was of him, drunk to poop. With his clothes ramped, hair disheveled, and the days of stubble on his face evident, he had the complete look of a shattered man.

He'd looked a mess and the pain my heartfelt when I saw the caption that came with it was almost unbearable. The words were still vivid in my mind

Look at him Deila Barbson! Broken and shattered by you. Are you happy now? Great job! Bravo.

I cried when I had read it... thinking about it still made my eyes stung.

I had never cried over a man, and before James, I wouldn't have believed if a Guru had prophesied I would. James's had a way of making me do things I never thought I would. I never thought I'd still be crying myself to sleep two months after ending a relationship of four months.

I didn't doubt that I would've continued crying to bed for the two years I was away if I didn't have Eva and Lari has my soothe and drug.

More than once, I got up to say I wanted to head back to Atlanta, but they were always there to remind me of my decision.

There was a saying 'true friends will share in your joy and pain', Lari and Eva lived up to it.

At first, I didn't open up to them about James, because I was an observer and so it takes me time to adjust to new people— but after so many persuasions from them and my raging need to know if anyone understood why I did what I did, I told them. They made me feel not so bad by sharing their rash and unaccountable decisions they made in the past.

Still shaken by James' outburst, I studied him as he drove, his eyes concentrated on driving, his countenance cool.

Recalling his words at the restaurant, I realized how much he knew how to hide his pain. He always had a cool and calculated demeanor, the part of him he let out today was a contrast. Anyone who hadn't heard him would never have guessed he had ever been pained.

He looked so macho, with his manly beauty, the coolness of his blue eyes never giving his broken self away.

At that moment I realized everyone had their dirty plates. Everyone had their broken piece— from the man across the road flashing a charming smile at me, to the girl riding her bike with a smile so wide.

The man could be broken like glass, and the girl could be crushed inside, but still, they had beaming smiles on.

Maybe everyone was broken one way or the other. Maybe every person had their torn pieces they had either decided to sew or act like it wasn't there and walked around with the burden of it. Maybe every star out there had a scar that they had either decided to stitch for it to heal or contour to live with the pain.

Any way it went, I was going to stitch mine.

Maybe happiness was something we could never truly have, but keep pursuing with the hope that one day we'd get it. And I was going to pursue it, I wasn't going to shy away from the pursuit. No. Not again.

When I discussed topics like this, people often wondered what broken part could a perfect rich girl —like the one they've painted me to be had. What no one knew was, I had parts that were broken from stones that weren't thrown at me.

The stone that was thrown at Aunt Monic was one. I was only 8 when I had my first phobia. I could never truly move on from the images and words of how her husband abused her. It was so bad. I started to have every phobia that could come out of a toxic relationship.

No one knew I couldn't tell my mum because I didn't want to make it about me when it wasn't. But that didn't stop it from sticking to my head.

My second phobia came when I was in my 5th year in high school— when a guy started making passes at me. At first, I thought it was just a normal guy trying to get me to go on a date so I didn't tell anyone about it. It got out of hand when he started suffocating me with his request that I date him and then it got worse when he started leaving rape threats on my lockers, phone, and to my face. My second phobia was the major reason I broke things off with James.

I couldn't tell him, I was ashamed. Who still fears sex at this present age? Me, a twenty-two year old. I tried so hard to make myself get over my phobias, especially in the first two months of my relationship with James, but I just couldn't. I started getting the feeling that it was going to get to that part and my body wanted it as I felt James's too. But my head wouldn't allow it.

That was why it was so hard to share with my friends the reason I did what I did. I had fears, you could call them unnecessary, but they were present.

"Hey there, " James's voice brought me out.

I looked at him, plastering a tight smile on my face, and knew then, I was going to have to fix myself. I had the glue to mend and thread to sew, all in one person, and he was right next to me.

Tonight I was going to let it all out, and maybe along the way summon the courage to tell him how my heart still leaped for him.

But first, you'll have to admit to yourself Dei!

I wanted to snap at the voice inside my head but she was right.

I saw the quick look he gave me before the car came to an abrupt stop.

"Here we are," he said, rushing out of the car to cross over to my side.

I resisted the urge to roll my eyes as I always did when he held the door open for me. "Thanks,'' I muttered as I came out.

His reply was a polite nod.

I took a few steps away from the car and raised my eyes, taking in my dwellings. Wow!

It was large and beautiful. There were two white buildings in the compound and they had beautiful flowers trimmed into shapes at the front. The sliver light shimmered and added a glorious look. It was simply exquisite and I wondered how amazing the interior would be if the exterior was that beautiful.

"Coming?" he asked, amusement lacing his tune. I knew for certain he saw the awe I was in.

I smiled shyly."It's so beautiful out here."

He giggled. "Yeah. And quite."

"Quiet you say? It's large! There definitely would be many flats with people living in them."

"You'd think that, but It's just two. Two penthouses."

My brows frowned as I took in what he said. It was huge for just two people. I looked to the buildings again, realizing for the first time that they were indeed penthouses.... just two.

His place must be big and in contrast to what he referred to as a little apartment. "You did say it was a small place."

"See for yourself." He chuckled then gestured for me to go forward.

Stepping into his penthouse, I was left in awe. If the exterior was beautiful then I didn't know the word to use for the interior. Exquisite? Recherche? It was more than beautiful.

The walls were painted black, with stains of white and gold on it that made it a spectacular art of raindrops. The design was unique and mind-blowing. The floor had marbles tiles that were like mirrors and the sparks from the diamond-looking chandelier that hung from above at the center of the room reflected on it.

White chairs covered in golden furs were rounded at the center of the living room. They looked so so soft that I wanted to plant me in them the moment my eyes met them.

At the center of the couch was a little table that looked like it was carved from ice.

Even though the house was perfect, I could tell he hadn't moved in fully. Some things were not in a place like they were in homes or maybe he didn't fancy them.

As far as I knew, he wasn't into flashy things. I was surprised in a delighted way he had put this together. I loved the black painted wall the most, you wouldn't blame me, black was my favorite thing.

''So, " he started, bringing me out from my awe state. "How's it?" he cringed nervously and I wondered why he bothered to ask. My awe face said it all, and besides what sane person wouldn't like it here?

"Are you seriously asking me that?" I asked with an eye roll. "It's freaking perfect!"

He chuckled loudly. I love his chuckles.

"Thanks. I was kinda nervous and thought you wouldn't like it."

"What sane person wouldn't?"

He gestured to the sofa.''Please. Be comfortable okay?"

"Okay," I muttered and then walked to the sofa. As my butt came in contact with it, I smiled knowingly. I knew it would be so soft.

''Wanna come to the kitchen or dining to have a drink?" he asked unsurely. "Wanna have a look around?" he added in a rush.

I sighed, rubbing my hands on the soft fur of the chair ."I want to, but It's late. Let's make this quick so I can head home."

"Yeah, that. I'm sorry for keeping you. Make what quick?"

"I thought we were going to talk." I shrugged.

"Of course, " he hissed then muttered something under his breath. "I'll just grab something to drink. What'll you have?" He walked to where I guessed was the kitchen area.

"Anything that's not alcohol," I answered loud enough for him to hear.

He came back with two bottles of apple soda.

"Thanks." I took the one he stretched out to me.

''So..." he trailed.

I could tell he didn't know where to start from, the first time he went straight to the point I had choked like an idiot.

"Straight to the point, " I stated.

He nodded. "Straight to the point."

"Why I broke up with you." My heart flipped as I said it.

"Yeah, you should start from there."

I took a deep breath. This was going to be a long night.

"As I said before, though I didn't elaborate on it, it was for your go-"

"Don't say it again," he said cutting me off. "You're fucking pissing me off with that. It never did me good to have my heartbroken." His demeanor was far from being pissed, but the hardness in his eyes told me he was.

"Let me finish. If I don't get it out now, then I won't ever."

"Okay"

"I um, " I paused, gathering the strength I needed to continue. "Maybe I thought it was for good. I had my insecurities, I protect myself even from me. Although you didn't give me a reason not to trust you, my person doesn't know how to trust you. You are the first and only person I've been with, didn't you ever wonder why?"

"Well because you've always loved me. You're my first love and I yours."

I snorted, arrogant much, I thought even though he was right. "Yeah, that and the fact that my phobias rule me."

I saw his brows shot up, surprise creasing his features. "What the .... you've phobias? How did I not know this?"

I swallowed. "Nobody knows."

"Why?"

I sighed thinking, I had to say it sooner or later. "Because I always felt they were silly and irrelevant."

His mouth opened and I knew he was going to argue. I gave him a tight smile and waved it off then I saw his features constrict before he sighed.

"I was scared, or I'm scared of relationships. It's philophobia. Not that I had ever had a personal bad experience with relationships. It only started with Aunt Monic's failed marriage. Of course, you know how her husband will come home drunk every night and fill her with punches like a punching bag— no pun intended —until she had enough and ran to my mum. And you also know how he stormed to my house after Aunt Monic moved in with us. It didn't go down well, but of course, you know this." I paused because I needed to breathe. It was getting to the point where I'll have to remember the scene.

"Before that day I adored my aunt and her husbands' relationship. They were always so perfect to each other, of course, I got to know it was all facade. I got to know when I saw it with my own eyes." I sighed again, this time shutting my eyes.

"I hadn't known she was having issues with her husband neither did I know what a beast he was. I opened the door that day when he rang the bell because I didn't know. I hugged him as he came in and he smiled sweetly before hopping me up. The horror that filled my mum's face when she came down to see me in his arms will forever be present in my head. She screamed for him to put me down, but he didn't, instead, his hold on me became aggressive and too suffocating.

When he didn't put me down, Aunt Monic came down and went to get me from him in a rush. He let me go as she came, using the medium to grab her wrist and yank her to him. Then I saw it. The shiny metal in the waist of his jeans caught my eyes before he pulled it out to hold it to my aunt's head. My dad, mum, Uncle Jamison, and Aunt Mona were down already. I found out later that my mum had locked my siblings in a room and that was why she had screamed for me to go join them. But I was too stubborn and a part of me still hoped that Uncle Mike, my aunts' husband, would chuckle and hug her, cooing her that it was all an act. I held him up high in my head.

I stayed rooted in place as he held her hostage up the stairs, saying they were going to get her things and head home. I watched as she started to struggle with him as he led her up the stairs and ended up falling down the stairs. I thought she had died, she almost did, and that scar on her forehead still reminded every time I looked at her that I was the cause. I didn't know what I had opened the door to. I promise I didn't."

"Shhh. It's okay," James cooed as he came to me and held my hands.

I hadn't realized I was rocking back and forth, nor did I realize I was crying until he caught my tears with his thumb.

"It's okay, baby. I didn't know. I didn't know you had witnessed that. Your phobia is overly justified, don't ever think it's irrelevant. If I witnessed something like that I'd have PTSD, are you sure it's just phobia? No PTSD laced?"

"No, no PTSD. I saw a therapist for a few days in LA. He used the Cognitive Behavioral Therapy."

"It didn't work?"

"No, it did or was starting to. That's why I stopped. In a way I bask in my phobias, I need them to remember my fears."

I sighed as he started to kiss away my tears. He stopped and looked at me tentatively. "So that was why." he nodded in understanding and what could be taken as pity. I hated pity.

"That, plus the creeping in of my second phobia." I shut my eyes as tears continued to cascade. Oh God, I hate crying. I don't cry... unless.

"God Dei, what is it?"

"Genophobia," I told him and heard him curse.

"I was in my 5th year in high school. He started as an admirer."

"Who was he?"

"A student in our school, don't recall his name, but I do recall his face and voice. Not that I can forget if I wanted."

"Did he...?" he trailed and I shook my head no at the unasked question. He visibly sagged in relief.

"He did threaten to. After he started asking me out and I wouldn't budge. I told him, no, but he kept pressing, saying he loved me and stuff. He stopped for a while, then it started. I don't know how he got my cell, but he started calling and texting me at ungodly hours, saying he'll have me whether I liked it or not. I still wasn't very worried, until he started saying it plainly that he was going to rape me. Both on phone and in school."

"Jesus." He shut his eyes, really tight that I had no doubt it hurt. " Why didn't you tell me? Why didn't you tell Dawn or anybody?"

"I didn't want to stress you guys unnecessarily. I always hated being a bother."

He sighed. "So genophobia. What did I do to arouse it? I mean I never asked you for sex, Dei."

"No, you didn't. But you're human. With all that blood and water flowing in you. Anybody would know sex came with relationships. And sincerely, I didn't want you to shun your desires for me. I wanted you to live life to its fullness, I didn't want to hold you down. That was why I said it was for your good, I could curb my phobia of relationships and enjoy what we had, but that of sex was a no, so that would've been me being selfish and the only one benefiting from us. That's why I started pushing you away." I paused to sigh. "I knew I couldn't give you what you wanted."

''Wow,'' he muttered looking away from me. ''May I hear you hit directly? What exactly did I want? Sex?" He asked. I didn't miss the bitterness that laced his tone, still, I nodded.

He snorted, shaking his head in disbelief. "Deila, you broke up with me because according to you, you were making me celibate and wanted me to be free to have sex with whomever since I couldn't with you? I presume this is the summary?" his face was grim.

"Yes," I choked out.

"How thoughtful of you. Did you ask me if that was what I wanted? Or you just assumed because according to you I was a man with blood and water flowing in my veins? Do you think all I'll ever want from a relationship with you would be sex? Pray tell, when did I ever hint that?"

"You didn't have to scream to my face. Our smooching started getting too intense. Your hands started going up my bum each time we kissed, your eyes will dilate when we flirted. Your boner-"

"Okay. Yeah, the list is long, I know," he admitted cutting me off. "And I'm not going to deny that I didn't imagine your naked body writhing beneath me while I worshipped it. I'm not going to deny that when you said something naughty, it made me want to do naughty things to you. I'm not going to deny that whenever you bit your lips, I spot a boner. I'm not going to deny that you drive me crazy with your innocence, or that every time we kiss it turns me crazily on." he rubbed his palm to his forehead. His tone had gone from angrily spitting to softly admitting.

"I'm not even going to deny that I desire to be inside you with every fiber of my being because damn yes, I do. But I was never going to push you, ever. I never took it pass smooching because you hadn't consented. I was never going to do anything you didn't want, and I'm still not going to." He snorted.

"To think I was always so cautious because I was scared you'd run away, but you still did and to LA. Dei I'm not denying that I want to do wicked things to you, even right now," he caresses my bottom lips and I sucked in a breath.

"Now I know you have phobias and it breaks my heart to know you've been going through this alone. Now more than ever, I want to be there for you and I'd never push you to pass your limit."

I sat there, staring at him in disbelieve, so he was ready to go through the torture?

"You said you couldn't give me what I wanted, and the only thing I ever wanted and still do is you."

I swallowed. "James, I-"

"Shhh. You don't have to say anything." He squared my eyes with his. I looked away as he began to search my eyes, but he wouldn't have it. He tilted my chin up till my eyes met his.

"It's you, Dei, it has always been you for me. How I feel about you hasn't changed, it never will. Don't be surprised, you going away changed nothing. All that pent up anger and hate I made myself feel for you was me denying that It will always be you for me. I lo-"

I tore my gaze from him "I have to go now," I announced cutting him off.

I was very aware of what he wanted to say and again, I was going to let my fear control me. I was scared to hear it. Even though I knew it, I was scared to hear it. Damn! Those same words I've been longing to hear.

He cleared his throat and smiled tightly, trying to mask his disappointment. He knew. He knew it was me allowing my phobias to decide for me again.

"Alright. We still have to talk, but it's late, so another day." I wanted to be angry at the way he did it patiently, too understanding. He knew and didn't push.

I nodded, dreading the remaining part of 'the talk' that I knew was going to be admitting what we've always felt. God, I love him. So much.

"I'd drop you off."