Chapter 59: Chapter 59

Lost in thought, I stood in front of Esteban's grave and then left the letter on the small marble stone that I had picked out myself last week and which I was sure would have liked very much with its dark colour.

It was three weeks ago and even if each of us slowly found our way back to life, the grief still became a companion that would always be deeply anchored in us. But I learned to live with it and held on to the belief that he was now reunited with his great love in a beautiful place and this very idea made it a lot more bearable.

"Are you ready?" Reahlyn spoke to me cautiously and I immediately turned to him, nodding. He took my hand in his, which still made my stomach tingle, and together we left this little cemetery, which became a place of peace for me.

"Is everything okay?" He then asked me and I could literally feel his worried eyes on me. Reahlyn had a really hard time with me the last few weeks, but he always stayed calm, even though I often fell asleep crying in his arms and he didn't quite know how to deal with me. Even the fact that we hadn't even kissed since every night wasn't easy for him, but I needed my time to myself and it wasn't his fault at all.

time to mourn.

time to find myself.

Time to learn that I don't need a guilty conscience to be happy.

I've been going through all of this for the last few weeks and now I was at the point where I was ready to move on.

"Yeah, I'm fine," I replied, leaning my head against his arm as we walked through the cold to his bike.

I had my own helmet now, and after slipping it on, I climbed up behind Reahlyn and hugged his waist, then just closed my eyes and listened to the sound of the tires hitting the tarmac.

I had said goodbye today and no matter how much it still hurt me, I had made up my mind not to live in grief anymore. Of course I would still be sad, but no longer absent and lifeless...

We quickly arrived at the beautiful spot in the woods and immediately Benjamin waddled towards us, who had apparently been playing with Maisie and her friends. He was wearing a yellow jacket that was way too big, along with a red fabric hat that Reahlyn's mother had knitted for him, and he just looked adorable.

"Ryn!" he giggled and jumped into his arms with all his might, then smiled and patted his black helmet, which Reahlyn immediately took off, laughing.

"Hey kid, ready to continue working?" he asked Benjamin, who immediately nodded in agreement with wide eyes.

"I wish you a lot of fun and please make sure that he keeps his hat on," I then turned to Reahlyn and gave him a grateful kiss on the cheek before Benjamin got one too and both smiled at me contentedly.

"Let's go then. See you later mom."

I took Reahlyn's helmet and watched the two of them stop at the back of the huge meadow with a few wooden jaws set up.

Yes, my dream man wanted to build our dream cabin himself and he and Justin spent every free second working on it. Just like Benjamin.

If there was anyone Benjamin stomped after all day, curiously watching and imitating his every step, it was my wolf soulmate. He seemed to have found a role model in him and this peaceful, free nature around us just did him good. I couldn't even imagine how seldom Pablo had gone out with him and I thanked fate every day that Reahlyn was still by my side, even when everyone else would have left.

"Love," I then heard my name and was snapped out of my thoughts as I stared at Reahlyn's mother who was standing in front of her hut and waved at me.

I walked up to her and greeted her warmly.

"Care to help me cook?" she smiled and I willingly followed her into the house where it was nice and warm from the fireplace. I knew they only turned it on for me and Benjamin, and I was incredibly grateful for that, too.

I took off my black jacket and draped it over one of the chairs at the dining table, then turned to her until I suddenly stopped when she tilted her head at me in irritation.

"What's going on?" I wanted to know and searched her gaze and immediately her eyes widened and even her mouth opened slightly as if she had seen a ghost.

"What's wrong with you?" I asked again, but she suddenly grabbed me in her arms and hugged me so tightly that I couldn't breathe for a moment. I didn't know at all what was happening here, but just let it go over me and put it down to the fact that all wolves here, no matter whether big or small, were always extremely friendly to me. It was probably just in her nature.

"I'm so happy," she squeaked and completely confused I broke away from her to look at her questioningly. That had nothing to do with excessive friendliness.

"What are you so happy about?"

"Love, you are pregnant!"

"It can't be," I replied, aghast, and automatically put my hand on my stomach, which she immediately put hers on. "I am after Benjamin unfruc-"

Pablo! This bastard had not only lied to me about my child's death, but also that my doctor had said I couldn't have any more children. My only glimmer of hope at that moment was knowing he couldn't be the father. He had contracted something in an accident with one of his hookers that left him completely infertile.

Thank God!

Before I really realized what was going on, Esteban suddenly came into my head and I immediately took my hand from my abdomen to put it on my forehead in frustration.

"This can't be true," I breathed, feeling her hand on my back.

"Love, you're all pale," she whispered worriedly, pulling up one of the chairs right behind me. "Sit down. I'll make you some tea."

"No," I said immediately and ran to the window to look at Reahlyn and Benjamin who were having a blast playing with wooden swords under the gray sky...

How was he supposed to take that?

He didn't deserve all this!

I suddenly felt nauseous and quickly sat down on one of the chairs to let my face fall into my hands.

Although such a message should be the happiest thing in the world for me, I was completely torn again. On the one hand there was the incredible joy about life in me, on the other hand this terrible fear of not knowing who the father was.

"Here," Reahlyn's mother approached me and handed me a cup that smelled deliciously of chamomile, which I accepted gratefully. "Aren't you happy?", then asked and sat down next to me on one of the chairs to put her hand on mine to help me.

"Are you sure?" I breathed, looking deep into her eyes.

"Yes, I feel something like that immediately, but it was never my intention to make you sad with this realization," she explained to herself and I just shook my head.

"I'm not sad about this news. On the contrary, it's wonderful," I replied, taking a sip of the hot tea and then looking at her again. "I just wasn't prepared for it."

She nodded understandingly and a long time passed in which I just sat there and instead of brooding over the past, the future completely absorbed me.

Reahlyn's mom was busy preparing food for everyone and I was completely useless once again.

Super!

The disappointment with myself grew again completely uncontrollably until Reahlyn came into the house together with Benjamin, the second of whom immediately came up to me beaming and made himself comfortable on my lap.

"Well, how was it?" I asked him with a smile and completely suppressed my uneasiness in his presence.

"Totally cool!" he gushed, snuggling into my chest, yawning and rubbing his eyes, melting my heart.

Then it went like every evening since we lived here.

The big round table was set by Maisie, Reahlyn took Benjamin on his lap and we ate and talked about the cabin they were building.

It should have two floors, just like this one, and big windows. All that mattered to me was that I got a nice big bathtub. I left the rest to my men, who really enjoyed it.

"And upstairs is my room," Benjamin said happily, and when I thought of a second children's room, everything contracted so uncomfortably that I dropped my fork out of sheer shock...

Everyone stared at me in concern, but I just widened my eyes, cleared my throat, and picked them up quickly.

"Sorry," I mumbled and was glad that no one paid any more attention to me.

When we were done, Benjamin insisted that Reahlyn put him to bed and while I said goodnight to my little one and gave him a loving hug, Reahlyn also said goodbye to his mother and sister for the day.

They left the hut and I quickly helped to clean up and do the dishes before I put on my jacket and left the hut as well.

I saw immediately in Reahlyn's little hut that he still had the night light on and then ran to the middle of the large meadow where the campfire burned as always under the dark sky and just looked beautiful.

Some older people I didn't know were sitting on the tree trunks around it and I sat down a bit apart on a trunk to keep throwing small branches into the fire until I looked next to me and Reahlyn came towards me.

He was dressed in a gray sweater and black jeans and then sat down right next to me to put his hand on my back and look deep into my eyes.

"What's the matter, little one?" he then asked and I just rolled my eyes in annoyance. You really couldn't have any secrets from wolves.

"I wanted to ask you something," I began nervously, playing with my fingers. "Why didn't Alice and Esteban have any children? I mean, they were totally in love and even wanted to go away together."

He took his hand from my back, looked lost into the fire and I only now realized how stupid it was of me to talk about the ghosts of memory right now.

"I'm sorry, I meant-"

"You couldn't," he then interrupted, looking back at me while I frowned in confusion.

"What do you mean?" I wanted to know curiously and he seemed really wistful to talk about this topic, but in my situation it seemed important to me to really find out everything.

"I don't know exactly myself, but Alice told me that Esteban took her to the doctor's because it just didn't work out. She said she would be happy without children and then she told me that Esteban is infertile, what was hard for both of them, but they accepted it."

I widened my eyes in disbelief and put on what must have been a creepy-looking grin as he eyed me almost fearfully.

"Are you alright?" he asked confused and immediately I jumped on him so hastily that he fell backwards off the log and I landed right on top of him, making him laugh out loud.