Chapter 41: Chapter 41

Back in front of the hut, I opened the door for him and then waited impatiently until he had changed back and got dressed.

It wasn't long before he called me and I entered the room that seemed so familiar to me. I'd only slept here twice, but it felt like I'd been with him forever. Was that this connection where he said that people feel it only a little? How must he have felt then...

"And?", he turned to me and put on a black sweater to go with his black jeans. "Are you going to faint again or are you okay?"

He was beaming from ear to ear, which only showed his beautiful dimples again. However, my gaze fell longingly on his lips and then self-doubt got in my way again. My smile disappeared. What remained was an unusual uncertainty.

"I thought it was lovely," I breathed, walking past him to sit on the edge of his bed with a sigh. He followed me and squatted in front of me to lift my chin up a bit so that I had to look him straight in the eye.

"Now tell me what happened. You can trust me, love. I won't do anything without your consent. I promise you," he said calmly, gently stroking my cheek with his thumb.

"I can't," I whispered, taking a deep breath. The load on my shoulders grew heavier and heavier.

"Why don't you want to be helped? What are you afraid of?"

I avoided his eyes in embarrassment, stared absently at the window and tried to put my words together, but I didn't even know where to start. So much had happened, so much that it was hard to comprehend. I already wish I was back in the woods...

"It started when you shot Ronald in the hand," I whispered nervously, but when my eyes fell on his face, he seemed puzzled by my statement.

"You mean in the head," he said, frowning, and now I was the confused one.

"No, I mean the first time," I explained, staring irritably into his eyes, which seemed to be filled with ignorance.

"Love, I saw that guy for the first and last time over there in the back alley," he said and I immediately gasped in shock.

Esteban...

I got up cautiously and walked past him to the window, suddenly wondering why Esteban, like Reahlyn, felt the need to protect me. Was he a wolf too? Could that be possible?

"What's wrong with you?" Reahlyn drew my attention back to him and I turned to him questioningly. Now he was standing up again.

"You seem to know Esteban. Does he also belong to your pack?" I asked and at the same time I thought about the fact that Pablo should also belong to it. That was completely illogical.

"Esteban?" he growled his name and suddenly took on a completely different stance. I could tell even through the sweater that his chest was tightening and his hands were balling into fists after saying that name. "Definitely not."

He had so much dislike in his otherwise beautiful voice that I didn't recognize him at all at the moment. What had just happened between the two?

"Sorry, I didn't mean to upset you. I just thought it was you, but if it wasn't you then it must have been him who shot Ronald in the hand."

He snorted loudly and stepped close to me, looking at me with such hatred in his eyes that I nervously took a step back.

"Esteban is a lousy asshole, Love! You really should stay away from him. Whatever he does, he's only doing it for himself! He doesn't care about anyone!"

"That's not true," I interrupted him immediately and at the moment I didn't know myself why I suddenly stood up for Esteban, but I just had to. It was like a compulsion that couldn't be suppressed.

"Do you know that he knows that you shot Ronald? But he didn't report it. He certainly didn't do that for himself!"

My voice grew louder and louder without me wanting it and I wanted to stop myself, but suddenly I was only in defensive mode. After all, he had stood up to his brother and saved me from Ronald, so there had to be a good core in him.

"Gosh, Love! Of course he did it for himself so he could fuck you, which judging by your behavior he already did!"

I reached out and wanted to smack him, but he held my hand and looked at me intently.

"Do you think I can't smell him on you? Do you think his smell on you makes me want to kiss you? Please think, love, and trust me. No matter what he's already done for you, you don't owe him anything. Nothing and this man will be your downfall just like at-"

He suddenly stopped and stared at me like he wasn't quite there anymore. His empty gaze fell right through me and the longer it was quiet, the louder I heard my heart beating with excitement.

"Reahlyn? Like who? What are you talking about?" I wanted to know in a low voice, but he didn't say anything more, let go of my hand and grabbed the motorcycle helmet from his desk.

"I'll drive you home."

His voice was cold and I tried to calm him down by grabbing his arm and waiting for him to look at me.

"Don't do that. Talk to me," I pleaded, but he only gently stroked my hair once before breaking free of my grip.

"Let's go."

Completely overwhelmed by his behavior, I followed him and noticed exactly the coldness and sadness that completely absorbed me. Every step towards his motorcycle hurt, but I knew what it was like when you just wanted to be alone and when you didn't want to talk about something, so when I got to the bike I put on my helmet without resistance, which he handed me without a word and got on the bike behind him while I was glad he couldn't see my tears under the visor.

The closer we got to Juneau, the tighter my grip on Reahlyn's body. I watched the trees wistfully as they rushed past me, knowing that I would soon be without him again.

I didn't want to go back at all. Wanted to stay with him because I also felt this connection to him. I felt comfortable with him and so much more. But I'd hurt him just because I felt something for Esteban too, even if I wasn't quite sure what it was yet.

Could you really be attracted to two people so different and at the same time? Was it like Willy said? One lets you fly, the other brings you back to the ground...

If so, then Reahlyn must have been the one who levitated me and I had now injured him and with it myself...

"Where do you live, little one?" I heard his voice and my heart automatically skipped a beat when he called me little one. It was a sign that he hadn't completely given up on me, at least not yet. According to Pablo, it was only a matter of time before men would get fed up with me...

I leaned forward a little, got a queasy feeling on the fast-moving motorcycle, but I knew that nothing would ever happen to me next to him.

"Over there on the right, the big prefabricated building," I shouted loudly through the visor and pointed with my hand in the direction, whereupon he immediately pressed the gas harder again, which made me claw at him again for protection.

I laid my head sideways on his back, closed my eyes and tried to burn the beautiful feelings that his closeness triggered in me in such a way that I would never forget it. It would be my hope through all the dark days. Bringing me a smile when tears bring me to my knees and give me strength not to give up, no matter how hopeless the situation seems...

Then, as the bike slowed and I just took a sad, deep breath, I suddenly felt his chest tighten and tremble under my ice-cold hands.

"That can't be true!" I heard him growl in front of me and I detached my head from his back to look around in irritation...

My gaze fell to the other side, right to my front door, and then I saw what was making him so upset.

Esteban was leaning against the wall, puffing on a cigarette while looking down at the floor in his white shirt and black coat, and then as he lifted his face and looked at me blankly, I inadvertently caught my breath.

That was it again, that connection I didn't understand, and I'm sure Reahlyn was right. It would be my downfall, because he was already the reason why I wasn't just sitting happily in the cabin in the woods...

Torn in my whirlpool of absolute emotional chaos, I got off the bike with a heavy heart, took off my helmet slowly and then turned to Reahlyn, who looked like he was about to lose control.

I didn't say anything because at that moment there was nothing that even remotely described how crappy I felt.

Without a word and with an embarrassed look, I handed him the black helmet here in the darkness and when he looked at me again instead of Esteban, his entire posture immediately calmed down again, which was no consolation to me.

"You don't owe anyone anything, little one," he whispered, stroking my cheek while taking the helmet with his other hand...

In that moment I realized that despite everything, he would still be there for me and that he would not harm Esteban because of me, just as Esteban had not betrayed him....

Even though I should be happy to know that Reahlyn would be waiting for me, I only felt bad for him. Like I'm about to rip my own heart out to freeze in the cold that surrounded me...

One last wistful look, one last deep breath and then I just watched him frozen as he put his helmet on and disappeared into the darkness. The taillights got smaller and smaller and my pain increased until I felt Esteban's eyes on my back and turned to him with tears in my eyes.

Without saying anything, I slowly walked towards him, while my eyes were stuck on his and I realized at that moment what connected us.

While Reahlyn seemed so calm, so composed in life, having so much joy and fun in his existence, I saw in Esteban's deep brown the same suffering, the same pain, the same abyss that I was constantly standing on and it was over only a matter of time for both of us before one would go a step too far.

Just before I came to a stop right in front of him, he threw down his cigarette and gave me a fleeting smile. A really pained smile, like he's just forcing it on himself to give me some kind of comfort, but I found no comfort in it...

My gaze fell to the front door and I took out my key, then ran ahead of him to my apartment, only to be grabbed by the waist as soon as I entered it.

He wanted me... actually he needed me, and although everything in me was fighting against it, I felt exactly the same at that moment. Those touches, his breath so warm on my neck. His hands on my abdomen. He reignited that fire that burned deep inside me and that only he could unleash.

There are people who talk about their past. They process their pain through words. About listening to them...

Esteban wasn't that type of person. He was not a man of many words. No man who would tell you a story. Not a man who would walk with you in the woods for hours, and yet he was a man who could express so much emotion with his eyes that you knew exactly what he looked like at a glance. He wasn't cold, just broken, just like me, and it was the passionate, silent kisses that took away each other's pain, if only for a cruelly brief time...