Chapter 37: Chapter 37

‘If it’s any consolation, I never discussed who is more handsome- you or your brother. Because for a fact I know you are more…you know… handsome’, I tried to butter him up, my cheeks burning from embarrassing myself before Vivian.

My persuasion tactics must have worked on him because he asked Vivian to leave. Good. At least there would be no audience.

‘Why were you asking outsiders about my family M. Anderson?’, he asked solemnly.

‘Because you never discuss anything about them. You never say anything personal about yourself. I know we are still very new in our relationship, but I have a right to know about you. At the very least about your family. God, I didn’t even know you had a brother until Nathaniel Sinclair turned up at the office. How would you know how it made me feel? I was not asking about your bank details or some company secrets. I was just inquiring about your family, which can be learned by any dummy who has access to the internet. I just don’t want to be labelled a stalker, so asked a friend instead’, I ranted to my heart’s content. Cornering him to reflect on our relationship. There must have been a few tears shed without my knowledge, but God, it helped to vent out my frustration. Why am I shedding tears so easily nowadays? Is there any chronic disease that makes that happen?

Raphael walked around the desk that was separating us, held my hands, and knelt before me. He gazed into my eyes saying nothing until I controlled myself. That piercing gaze is too perceptive by half, and it was one of Raphael’s strengths that he used mercilessly on me.

‘Better? You were not like this before. So-’, he searched for the word and said, ‘emotional. I never saw you cry like this. Even when you were stressed. You get angry, but not sad. You retaliate, not weep. What is it, Erica? What is happening in your life? What is bothering you so much, that it changed your fundamental view? Tell me. Let me take your burden. Since yesterday I got to see a different Erica, who is wistful, who talks in riddles and sobs at what-ifs! Where is my firebrand? Where is my Erica who can take over the world without batting her eye?’

In short, a clingy, weepy, emotional mess. That’s what he was trying to say. Ouch. It’s not what you want to hear from the guy you are dating. I wanted to shout at him-What do you expect? I’m a normal human being, Rafa; I have annoying things called feelings. I can’t turn my emotions on and off at will.

I noticed him side-tracking my questions. He never answers any of my questions. If this was to be an exam, he would have got a big fat F. Ohh, kinky. I like the way you are thinking. Playing teacher and student, are we? Naughty Erica, very naughty. Oh, shut up for once, I’m supposed to control my weepy mess here. Please don’t distract me from my serious thinking. Fine, she dragged like a petulant child.

Tell me. Let me take your burden- he said. I wish I could do that. I wish I could tell him everything…I wish I shouldn’t have to say anything…I wish. I tucked away all my unwanted sentiments, tampered my urge to weep in front of him. I must grow a shield. I must be like before so as to not raise his concerns again. If he starts digging, I don’t know what he may find. I want him to be unknowledgeable about everything if I could help it. What will you say, Erica? How will you explain your fluctuating emotional state? Think Erica…think…and think quickly.

Then I told him a half-lie, ‘I’m sorry. It’s just since last weekend, where I got almost-’, my lips quivered, and a sob threatened to choke off.

‘Since then, I came to revise my priorities. It shoved a mirror under my nose, making me realize what could have happened? How carelessly I was trailing my life. What if those vile creature’s sinister idea is to murder me ultimately? I was at their mercy, Rafa. So helpless. I never want to be so helpless anymore. All these emotions, these what-ifs are haunting me, Rafa. They are obstructing me from what I’m.’ I gave a sigh of resignation, and thrust my feelings in an imaginary box, locking it tightly.

‘I’m sorry Mr. Sinclair, for my emotional state. It won't affect my work. I promise’, I said as coolly as I could.

He brushed my right cheek with his thumb and said, ‘No. You don’t have to pretend. Not with me. I was being impersonal, not understanding what you were going through’.

‘No Mr. Sinclair. I’m tired of being this mess. And I have to say it’s about time. Don’t you think?’, I purposefully called him with his last name, implying to him what I’m asking.

He didn’t give any verbal response to that, but I understood very clearly. As you wish.

‘So, Ms. Anderson, you want to work for my brother now?’, he asked me, all the previous emotion gone from his tone. He is a robot. I tell you; he is a robot. No one can change their emotions so quickly, my inner diva mock whispered into my ear.

I was thinking I was too harsh on her, but- pfft, you need to learn more about me.

‘No, certainly not. Pfft. I was just checking my options. And let me tell you I have the best one. Your brother has nothing on you’, I gave a thumbs-up, thinking if I should throw a wink in there for good measure. Nah…he would see through it.

He pinched his nose, ‘Ms. Anderson- ’

‘look at that, it’s lunchtime. You don’t mind Mr. Sinclair, do you? If I have my break now? You see, I’m very punctual about it. Otherwise, my tummy will make those weird, funny noises-’

‘Erica’, he cut me off.

I stared at him innocently, a little too innocently. ‘Just go’

‘Why thank you, Mr. Sinclair. It was like always pleasure talking to you’.

I closed the door on my way out, dropping my smile as I went. Anger radiating from me with each step I took. That rat…Shit! Because of her, Raphael almost doubted me. Things could have escalated so quickly if I haven’t spun a half-lie. Let’s remind her what happens when she messes with us, my inner diva said while sharpening her imaginary knife. Generally, I would have stopped her. But this time I gave her full reign.

Oh ya…it's show-time baby