Chapter 40: Chapter 40
I was not my usual self while preparing breakfast this morning. After spending days in the hospital, I was finally charged out, and now, I’m here alone in this adequate house. I haven’t seen Ethan for days. I have no idea where he might be. However, my mind is coasting elsewhere, and I couldn’t rest for days because of the nightmares haunting me. I couldn’t even blink or close my eyes for five minutes. All I’m seeing is that frightful scene that keeps on rehashing in my mind. The guilt was sneaking through my system until it consumed my whole willpower, and presently I couldn’t think straight.
I know it’s neither of our faults, but still, we failed to protect our unborn child. I can’t live forever with this guilt I am carrying. Each time I had the chance to shut my eyes, my body trembled with agitation. I sometimes see myself crying on the floor, begging for this to stop. It’s like bottling up all my feelings in one bottle, and not I can’t take it anymore, it explodes. The pieces were scattered all over the floor, making it faultfinding to move forward. I balled my hands because I had hyperventilation again. I parted my lips, trying to ease the burden I was feeling. I controlled my thoughts so that I wouldn’t pass out here.
Minutes have passed, and I am feeling a lot way better now. I let out a moan whereas cleaning the table. A loud deafening silence invaded each corner of the room. I was like an automaton being controlled to do something without comprehending what I was doing precisely. I look down at the sink. I was doing the dishes, and I took note I was holding something distinct. My vision blurred, and I shook my head gratingly, pushing the thoughts away. No, Natasha. This is not the solution!
"What's the matter, mommy? Don't you want to be with me?"
He’s here, once more. A tear streamed down my cheeks, and my hands shook so awful. I tried to control it, holding it with my free hand. I dropped the plate on the floor, breaking it. I took a step back while yelling.
“N-no! It’s not like that! Please! Believe me!” I argued while tears were spouting down. I bumped something on the floor, losing my balance. A loud thump resonated in the zone. I opened my eyes, slithering away, but something caught my attention.
I gradually looked down at the floor I was crawling. My heartbeat was so fast that I couldn’t breathe properly. I panted, looking around. Blood was all over. I wail, then secure my eyes. Make it stop! Please! I can’t take this any longer! I stiffened when I felt somebody was beside me, gazing through my soul. I slowly revealed my eyes, looking beside me. I felt the bloodline on my face knackered when I saw a pair of eyes penetrating through my eyes as if it was digging more profound into my soul.
“Mommy!” it screeched so loud, making my whole body tremble in fear. I closed my eyes again, praying silently, pushing it away, when someone called my name.
“Natasha!”
I opened my eyes just to see Ethan looking down at me. His eyes are delirious, holding me firm on my bear. I embrace him, crying on his shoulders. He caressed my back, trying to ease the pain I felt. He whispered calming words in my ears. I couldn't understand them, but I'm happy he's finally here because I stopped crying too much, unlike before, it took almost an hour. I see at him in his eyes, then held his jaw.
“E-ethan, I’m so sorry for everything. I didn’t mean to kill our child. I’m sorry if I failed to protect-”
“It’s not your fault.” he hushes me, resting his temple on mine. I froze whereas not leaving my attention to him. He looks implausibly calm. I anticipated he was frantic and wanted to toss a clenched hand, but it was the opposite. He distances himself a little just to look in my eyes. He grinned, which was odd. Why is he smiling?
“I’m here, my love. You need to sleep and rest.” he lifted me up, carrying me between his arms. I was puzzled as I wrapped my arms around his neck, frightened to fall. He carried me up to our room. I didn’t break my eyes to his confront with each step he made. How could this be? Is this Ethan? He looks like a carefree man. Isn’t he mad that we lost a child?
He kicked the entryway open, strolling inside. When he brought me down on the bed, he quickly turned around and was about to walk away when I held his hand. He looked at me from his bear, raising a brow and asking if I needed something. I wrinkled my brows in incredulity.
“Where are you going?” I couldn’t control the tone of my voice. I was mad as hell because he looks like he doesn’t give a fuck about what happened.
“Natasha-”
“You just got home after missing in action for a week, Ethan!” I screamed, then sat on the edge of the bed, pointing at him.
“Not now, Natasha-” he tried to calm me down, but I slapped his hands away. I confronted him, looking up at his towering figure. I don’t care if I am up against a werewolf, a serial killer, or a dangerous person. His jaw moved, his fist clenched, and his lips pursed, battling the urge to say something against my will.
“You don’t fucking care at all! We lost a child! And you managed to smile?! Ethan, how could you…?” something stabbed in my heart, leading to fatality and critical damage. I bit my tongue.
“I was fighting alone here, inside this house! Without you by my side! I almost lost my sanity! My sense of living! I almost killed myself!” my knees weakened, making me kneel in front of him. I covered my face with my palms as I cried harder. My shoulders were shaking so bad that I couldn’t control my emotions anymore.
“I thought you loved me! I thought you cared for me! But what’s this? What’s this calm attitude?! This is not you, Ethan! Why aren’t you mad-”
“You don’t know what I did when I found out about the loss of our child, Natasha,” he told me before I could wrap up what I was throwing at him. I stopped, unable to say anything. My throat dried, couldn’t look up at him. He slowly sat on the ground. His head is hanging low.
“I felt like I’m lost in this world. I didn’t know where I was heading as I walked on a dangerous path. I was alone in a desert, trying to fight the storms and thunder. I haven’t eaten anything and slept for a week, Natasha.” his voice is calm and collected, but when I look down at his hands, they are quivering so severely. His claws appeared, scratching the floor.
“I have to do something, Natasha. My conscience couldn’t make me shut up, so I tracked their whereabouts and killed them all. I buried their bodies deep on the ground, so no one could find them.” he closed his eyes firmly. I wanted to hold his hands, but I was scared he might snap and kill me. I just listened.
“But it wasn’t enough. Even if I kill hundreds of bodies, still… w-we couldn’t bring back our child. I can’t stop blaming myself, Natasha.” He looks up, then abruptly meets my eyes. My lips parted in shock when I saw how devastated he was right now. He messes up his hair and then looks away harshly on the other side.
“It broke me too, Natasha! I was going to be a father! Do you have any idea how happy I was at the same time? It fucking killed me inside! Why my life is always full of pain and misery?! I just wanted to build my own family! I found you! The woman of my life! The woman who loved me despite how messed up I am! When everything was about to get better, it was taken away from us! I was wrecked!” he shouted, losing himself this time. He suddenly changed while punching his head. However, it stopped when he stared at the floor, realizing something.
“But maybe, this is my karma for killing innocent people.” his voice toned down, almost whispering to himself, but I heard it all. He embraces himself and then slowly sinks to the ground.
“I deserve to suffer. I deserve this pain. I know this is my karma, but why is it unfair? Why?” he asked, more likely to himself.
A tear escaped my eyes while watching him on the floor, looking hopeless. I slowly crawl to his side, laying on the floor beside him. I faced him, then held his face. He didn’t say anything as he was just staring out of nowhere, but I knew he was listening. I bit my lower lip, controlling my tears.
“We’re both so lost in life until we found each other.”