Chapter 5: Chapter 5

Half a year ago

"She said yes!" Alex's voice hollered from the center of the crowd.

Cheers erupted and hoots came from the guy, congratulating Alex.

I bit my lip to try suppress the smile that was growing as I continued to watch from a distance.

As the crowd started to disperse, I was finally able to see a blushing Hannah and a beaming Alex.

My hands were clasped together, otherwise they would've been clapping uncontrollably by now.

As Alex looked around, our eyes met and I sent him my biggest smile, mouthing 'congrats' and raising both of my thumbs to show how happy I was for him.

Alex mirrored my smile and mouthed a 'thank you' before he directed his focus back to his new girlfriend.

Beside me, Beth looked between Alex and I weirdly.

"What?" I asked her after a minute of bearing with the look she was giving me.

"你真的没事吗？(Are you really alright?)"

I gave her an odd look, "Yeah, why wouldn't I be?"

Beth gave me a look that has 'Duh' written all over it. "你不用骗我。(You don't need to lie to me.)"

I rolled my eyes. "You're being unreasonable, I'm not lying to you."

"不会吧。(No way) You're telling me you're genuinely happy for them?" Beth asked, looking at me scrutinizingly.

I turned to face her properly, nodding earnestly to show that I'm not lying.

"But- but..." Beth stammered.

"But what?" I asked.

"你不是喜欢他吗? (Don't you like him?)" Beth asked.

This time, it was my turn to look at her weirdly. "What?"

Beth returned my bewildered look with a straight face.

"W-what made you think that?" I sputtered.

"Everything you did. The frequent texting, the smiles, the close relationship between you two. I thought you had a thing going on!" Beth exclaimed before realizing that she was basically broadcasting her opinion to the whole school. Her eyes widened and she took a look around, her hands flying to cover her mouth, knowing she might as well could've started a rumor.

"你真的不喜欢他吗？(You really don't like him?)" She asked in a hushed voice this time.

I nodded once again, feeling like I could explode from the building exasperation in me. It was like I was talking to someone who didn't understand English.

"Well, I guess we don't have a problem then." Beth shrugged, glancing at the new couple once again.

"I was just worried that you had actually fallen for Alex. I don't want you to have to see those lovebirds everyday and listen to Alex gush about her whilst actually having feelings for him." Beth shuddered. "That would be the biggest torture you can inflict on a girl."

I shook my head, chuckling at Beth's nonsense talk. I linked our arms together and steered us away from the sight of the lovebirds, taking one last look over my shoulder at the smiling couple who looked very much in love.

I was genuinely happy for them and I'm 100% sure that I have no feelings for Alex whatsoever.

Right?

Okay maybe 99.999% sure.

An insignificant 0.001% won't hurt.

Right?

'Right,' I told myself. I nodded to myself and looked straight ahead, walking away from the couple towards the canteen, arm in arm with my best friend.

Things changed a bit after Hannah and Alex got together, as I'd expect them to change when one of us starts dating.

We texted slightly less than we used to and 90% of the things we talked about was how beautiful and sweet and lovely Hannah was.

Well, that's what Alex says 90% of the time while I tell him that 'Although I adore your relationship and I admit that you adoring your girlfriend is cute, I'd like to eat in peace without picturing the lovely Hannah. It makes me feel like I'm eating your girlfriend.'

Anyone could see how smitten Alex was by Hannah.

He basically worshipped the ground she walked on.

He'd fret so much over giving her a small gift occasionally that I'd have a hard time convincing him that she'll love it no matter what he gives her because it's from him.

Because isn't that what happens when you fall in love?

You become blind when it comes to the person you love.

You fail to see their flaws and they become perfect in your eyes, along with the things that they present for you.

Though I've never been in love, I've read enough books to know that that's how it goes. Besides, everything I have read in my books is being backed up by Alex's actions.

'He's so whipped,' I often think to myself whenever I read the paragraphs of description about Hannah he sends me.

I hoped for his sake that this love lasts.

Alas, that's rarely the case for first loves.

And his was no different.

Half a year through their relationship, it started getting rocky.

Everything was going alright until summer vacation came around and Hannah went to Bali with her family.

Things started going downhill from there.

A: K.

K: Hm?

A: *screenshot*

A: What am I supposed to make out of this?

I frowned, clicking on the screenshot of the chat he sent me.

H: There's so many hot guys here <3 <3

H: I'm gonna go sightseeing at the beach, babe, be back soon.

I bit my lip, my heart going out for Alex.

A: Do you think she's joking?

K: She should be. I mean, there's no way she'd say that seriously to her boyfriend.

A: But even so, don't you think this is too much?

K: I'm sorry, A.

A: Do you think I should break up with her?

I raised my head, looking up at my room's ceiling to think my answer through. I shouldn't get involved with their relationship. I shouldn't cross that line.

K: I don't know, A. That should be your choice to make.

A: But what would you do if you were me?

K: I honestly have no idea.

K: But regardless of your decision, I'll support you 100%.

I set my phone down and waited for his reply. It came later than the previous one and I bit on my nails as I waited, knowing that he was probably talking it out with Hannah.

A: K?

K: Yeah?

A: I ended it.

I sucked in a sharp breath, trying to keep a clear head. At least one of us needs to be level headed in this situation and that certainly can't be him.

I hesitated before sending my text.

K: Are you okay?

A: Yeah, I guess I am.

My fingers hovered above my phone's keyboard, not knowing what reply to type.

Before I could type up something, another message came in.

A: Can you keep me company?

A: I don't want to be alone and start thinking about her.

Knowing that 'company' in our definition was continuous texting, I agreed without a second thought.

And so we texted non-stop until one of us fell asleep at midnight.

And we picked up where we left off the previous night the next morning at 6 in the morning when he woke up and gave me a call to wake me up.

We kept it up throughout the following days until he felt better.

I hesitated once again, fingers flying over the keyboard of my phone but not making any contact with its surface.

K: Do you feel better?

A: Yeah, a bit.

K: I've been wanting to ask you that question for a while but I was scared that I'd make you remember again when you're actually not thinking about her.

A: It's alright. It's only been a few days, I don't think the memory of her is supposed to go away so easily.

I felt like I should slap myself for being such a dimwit. Of course he'd still be thinking about her. I sighed, looking at my phone, my heart going out for the poor guy.

Suddenly, another message from him came in. I tapped his chat box open and read what he had sent.

A: Thank you.

K: What for?

A: For caring about me more than my supposed girlfriend did.

I felt my heart skip a beat.

K: Don't mention it. That's what friends are for, right?

A: Yeah, but it's kind of sad that this can't go on forever.

K: What do you mean? Of course it can.

A: Don't be silly, you'll have your own boyfriend soon enough and you won't be able to take care of me like this.

K: Who says? We'll be friends forever and I'll keep caring for you as long as we're friends. You're stuck with me, bro.

A: Your boyfriend won't like that.

K: Well, he'll have to deal with it. You're practically my brother, if he makes me choose between you and him, I'll probably choose you. You're family.

No replies came in for a while and I wondered if I had said something to cause a misunderstanding between us.

Did I spook him?

A: If you have a crush, tell me and I'll help do a background check on him. You've helped me out so much with Hannah so its only right for me to help you too.

I felt my heart drop at the question that popped up in my head when he said that and quickly ended our chat for the night.

K: Yeah, okay. Thanks.

K: Hey, I'm calling it in early tonight. You okay with that?

A: Yeah, go rest.

K: Okay, good night.

A: Good night, K. Thanks for everything.

I locked my phone and plopped down on my bed, staring at the ceiling and reflecting on the strange things happening to me.

What am I doing?

What was that heart skipping thing my heart did when he thanked me for caring for him?

What was with the question my conscience put in my head when we offered me to do a background check on whoever my crush is?

"What if that guy is you?"

What if the guy I end up liking is him?

Is it safe to like him?

Do I like him?

I shook my head. Grabbing the pillow above my head, I pressed it over my head and muffle a scream.

Snap out of it, Kate.

He's your best friend.

You can't like him.

He's like a brother to you.

Right, he's like a brother to you. Liking him would be incest.

He loves you and you love him - in a sibling way.

Right.

That's what we are.

I can't like him.

I won't like him.

I won't let our friendship end the way his relationship with Hannah ended.

I'll stay by his side for as long as I can as the friend that will support him through thick and thin.

And with that, I started building the mental cage in which I started locking up my feelings for my best friend.

I no longer believe in the phrase that says you can't control your feelings.

I'll prove everyone wrong.

I'll show them that with willpower, anything is possible - including the ability to control your feelings.

I will not fall for my best friend.