Chapter 36: Chapter 36

: confused

→Narrator: Asa

"Uh... Do you want to talk about what happened?" I whispered from where I sat, cross-legged in the middle of Kosi's bed.

Lola was lying on her stomach, mindlessly flipping through a fashion magazine with Kosi's face on the front cover.

"Do I look like I want to talk about it?" Kosi glared at me, from where she sat at her vanity, blending contours expertly unto her face.

"Um... No?"

"Then don't ask me stupid questions, Asa."

I waited.

Three... Two... One...

"I mean, who the fuck does that nigga think he is? How dare he call me all those things? I'm not a slut... Wait, do you think I'm a slut? I mean, I've only ever had sex with Trev, then I had to fuck up and do it with my best friend... Oh, wait! Scratch that! Ex-bestfriend!" She hissed dramatically, taking a facewipe and scrubbing her face clean.

"He called me a slut, Asa!" She sneered, looking at me. "He compared me to my mum! He knows these things fucking trigger me and he did it in a petty fight! He's even more of a slut than me if you're looking at this shit fairly. I mean, can you count how many girls he's fucked over? Nigga comes to my face, spewing crap, the hypocrite."

"Kosi, he was drunk and hurt." I pleaded.

"It doesn't give him the right to fucking disrespect me, Asa. Who's side are you even on?" She challenged, narrowing her eyes at me.

"I'm on both your sides!" I protested at her judgemental looks. "You're both important to me, Kosi."

"In his defense, you slapped him." Lola quipped, still flipping through the magazine. "Twice."

Kosi bit her lip and looked away going silent for a moment. "I didn't mean to, okay? I saw red and I just snapped." She was wringing her fingers remorsefully and gazed out her window.

Lola looked up. "So, do you like him... Or... Nah?"

She stood up suddenly and came to join us on the bed, bowing her head. "I don't even know. I was considering it but I never told him that! I never told him I liked him back. I was emotional and tipsy that night we hooked up. I just wanted a release from all the Trevor bullshit and he just happened to be there. I was plain with him and that was that!"

"Once?"

She played with her fingers. "Uh... Maybe a couple more times."

We groaned.

"What?!" She protested at our baffled expression. "He's good! Lola was right."

"That's not the point, Kosi!" Lola hissed at her. "The fact you kept coming back must have sent the wrong message to him."

"And how is that my fucking fault? Huh?!" She screamed back at Lola. "I would never have gotten close to Devon if I knew I'd hurt him. Heck, Devon told me he had to take permission from Jemi to shoot his shot. Jem acted like he was cool with the whole thing from the beginning! I'd never intentionally do anything to hurt him... I..."

Her voice broke. She closed her eyes, calming her breath, her hands trembling, playing with the silver friendship bracelet on her wrist. "I love him."

I let out a breath I didn't even know I was holding. "Is that how you feel about him now?"

"I don't know." Her voice was trembling. She gripped her head, groaning. "I'm so fucking confused and most of me hates Trev and I want to forget about him. I mean, he's the guy I've crushed on from afar all my life and loved and dated for two years and I want to forget about him but that shit's hard! Then I started catching feelings for Jem after he confessed that he liked me, but after that, he acted like it was just the alcohol talking."

She took a deep breath, staring at us, with big brown eyes. "You see the problem? He kept sending mixed signals and I didn't want to read into the whole thing because I was scared of getting my heart broken again. You see, Jem is a lot like Trev. They're so similar, it's scary, sometimes."

"Jemi would never hurt you." I whispered to her.

She wiped a tear, rolling down her cheeks, shaking her head, stubbornly. "He basically stabbed me with a knife countless times over with everything he said downstairs. It hurt, Asa. He hurt me."

I sighed, sadly.

"And Devon..." She continued. "Devon is just so amazing. He looks at me like I hung the stars in the sky or something and I like that shit. But my feelings are a fucking mess and I just don't know what to do. This is the thing with fucking. It complicates everything!"

"So... How do you feel about each of them, now?" I asked her, softly.

"I don't know, I'm so fucking confused!"

Lola sat up. "That's the problem, right there. You don't even know what you really want. You're confused as hell and Jemi feels like you stringed him along purposely. The fact that you were both drunk doesn't help matters either. I'd flip my switch too if I saw another bitch grinding on Osahon. You get?"

Kosi bit her lip, looking away. "It doesn't justify what he did, Lola. He's the most important person to me. He's known me since we were kids and he knows how those insults affect me... I never expected him to say those kinds of things, knowing how much it'll hurt me. I can't forgive what he's done."

I groaned, massaging my temple. "Please, Kosi, you can't throw away twelve years of friendship for something like this."

"Something like this?" She asked, offended. A hurt expression on her face. "Bitch, you make it look like I'm overreacting. Did you not hear all the shit he called me?"

"I did, Kosi, I did. But I really think you should talk things out."

"She needs to sort out her shit first." Lola exhaled, snapping the magazine shut. "First of all, what do you think of Devon."

"I think I'll be leaving the dating scene for life. Love is not for me."

"You don't mean that, Kosi." I whispered to her.

"Bitch, try me." She deadpanned.

"Why?" I asked.

"Gee, let me think. First of all, my ex-boyfriend, who I loved and respected, emotionally messed with my fucking feelings for years and proceeded to beat the living crap outta me. Secondly, my ex-bestfriend decides to shame me in front of all my friends because I supposedly broke his fucking heart! And then, the one that managed to treat me right, probably thinks I'm a shameless whore now. I'm not good at this dating thing, bitches. Think! I'll probably just end up like my mum and mother four kids for different men."

"Kosi, don't talk like that!"

"How the fuck am I meant to talk?!" She yelled at me. "It's the fucking truth, Asa! You know it! I know it! Everyone knows it! So, stop being a fucking hypocrite!"

I flinched back, hurt. "Kosi..."

"Oh, cut the crap! Lowkey, all of you think I'm a slut, yeah? Kosi, the first class whore!"

"Nobody thinks that, Kosi!" Lola screamed at her. "Chill!"

"Spare me that bullshit!" She shouted, getting up from the bed and glaring at Lola. "You!" She pointed an accusing finger at her. "You're just as bad as the rest of them and I know you gossip about us to Haliya behind our backs!"

There was an eerie silence, nothing was heard except strangled breaths and pounding heartbeats.

But Kosi wasn't finished.

"YOU told her about Jemi's arrest! YOU told her about Trev beating me up and you FUCKING told her about Kam and Asa breaking up!"

There was a mixture of a shocked, horrified and hurt look on Lola's face before her face heated over in mad anger.

Lola glared at her, taking offence. "You know what? I'm done with this shit. If this is the way you're going to keep talking to those that care about you, maybe you don't deserve love afterall." She said quietly, rolling out of her bed and leaving the room.

Kosi glared at her as she left.

"Kosi, I think-"

"Leave."

"You don't-"

"Fucking leave, Asa! Leave me the fuck alone!" She screamed, tears, pouring down her cheeks.

She glared at me for a moment, angrily wiping her tears off, before turning away and wouldn't look at me.

My heart broke in two but I respected her wishes.

"You know... I'm always here for you, if you need me."

The last thing I heard before shutting the door, was her, sobbing quietly and whispering to herself.

"Leave me the fuck alone."

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