Chapter 16: Chapter 16

Please don't be sad I really believe you were the greatest thing that ever happened to me

My eyes were clouded with tears as I walked home. There was no particular reason as to why my tears fall out of a sudden. My senses somehow figured out it needed to release the liquid hovering around my chest to breathe.

Have you ever felt that?

Or it just me?

The particular feeling where a part of your body moved involuntarily to help you cope up with the dread clouding inside your cells. It was your body that adjusted to keep you alive and well.

Am I making sense?

I don't know.

I have a lot of things to cry on, but couldn't enumerate them all because it would just make me sad.

"Uh," I cried, upon twisting my ankle. I bent on my knees and automatically felt the ground. I covered my face with my palm and started sobbing, ignoring the people around me.

It was eight in the evening, the last time I checked. I spent the whole day on pool thinking if I was going to accept the invitation to the national team.

I received bronze during the regional competition. However, the national team knew how good I was before the accident and still wanted to get me to the team.

The National team believed I could go back to my state with practice.

They would help me, but my parents already gave up on me. They ordered me not to join anymore and to just focus on the upcoming entrance examination for Ateneo. They wanted me to top the entrance exam because my brother would surely top it if he was alive.

How the hell am I supposed to do that? Should I consider cheating?

Why was I even thinking of the national team when I was not allowed to go?

Then, what should I do?

I no longer knew myself. I was like a living mess.

I hope memorizing your name was as clear as knowing yourself.

I must have stayed there for a second until his baritone voice registered in my ears. "I'm outdated, overrated, morning seems so far away..."

I must have stayed there for a second until his baritone voice registered in my ears. "I'm outdated, overrated, morning seems so far away..."

The warmth of his palm caressed my trembling hands. His lips touched the back of my palm before wiping my tears with his thumb. My nose may be stuffy, but it didn't stop me from breathing his mint scent.

"Zack," I whispered. My eyes were too blurry to recognize his sight.

I imagined the look in his deep gray eyes as he continued to sing, "So, I'll sing a melody, and hope to God she's listening. Sleeping softly while I sing. I'll be your memories your lullaby for all the times, hoping that my voice could get it right."

"Were you following me?" I mumbled. "How did you get here so fast?"

"I told you, I like counting my steps towards you," he answered. He sighed deeply before saying, "Let me get you home, my Katie."

He carefully supported me as I stood up, but my legs were shaking like a leaf. I hurt my ankle, yet I couldn't feel its pain.

"Uh, you are making me worried," Zack groaned in frustration.

"Sorry," I whispered.

I placed my hands on his shoulder and tried to dry my eyes to meet his gaze. What would I do without you right now?

"Let me carry you on my back." He held both of my hands before turning his back.

"Woah, are you gonna carry me like those in Korean Novelas?" I wondered.

"I can't believe you still have the energy to think of those, my Katie," he hissed. "Too bad, I am not a Korean. I am just your Zack in maroon jersey jacket." He chuckled upon carrying my weight on his back.

I smiled as I completely closed my eyes. "Thank you."

I couldn't remember what he told me after that. I must have fallen asleep, but I believe the curve on my lips never left my face until he got me home.

Zack's voice was the last time I heard, but it wasn't the one that woke me up.

And I'll be here by the ocean

Just waiting for proof that there are sunsets and silhouette dreams

All my sand castles fall like the ashes of cigarettes

And every wave drags me to sea

I could stand here for hours

It was Derek Sanders, the vocalist of Mayday Parade, as my phone continued to play the song You be the anchor that keeps my feet on the ground.

Just to ask God the question, "Is everyone here make-believe?"

With a tear in His voice, He says, "Son, that's the question."

Does this deafening silence mean nothing to no one, but for me?

I was busy admiring his vocal as the silence continued to creep. Then, I tasted the familiar scent of chocolate.

I quickly opened my eyes but felt the twinging pain on my eyelids, which made me close them again.

"Aae?" I called. He's the only guy I know who showered himself with chocolates.

As hours move to minutes

And minutes take longer to break

I will be desperately awaiting

"Hey," he answered.

I sensed his presence beside my feet as he massaged my ankle.

"You sprained your ankle. Zack already put ice on it before leaving."

He's not clear on my eyesight though his voice was telling me how troubled he was as he asked, "How are you?"

"Uh, I'm fine." I lied.

"You didn't go home?" I asked. "It's the semestral break."

"My family doesn't know about vacations," he replied. He moved closer and helped me lean on my back. "How about you? Why are you still here?"

"My parents flew to Singapore because my uncle and his family died in a car crash." I sadly replied, though I never met them. My mother never told me about her family. I believe this would be the first time she'd be seeing them after leaving home.

"You didn't go with them?" he curiously asked.

"I would review for the entrance exam." I lied. I would not review for the exam. It was just the reason I came up for them to allow me to stay. I don't feel like meeting them because I felt like they're just the same as my father's family.

I rubbed my eyes but had to stopped mid-way when Aae thumped my arms a little. My eyelids were still aching as I blinked. It helped me to see Aae's stern look.

"Are you close to your family?" I asked.

"They usually spent time flying, so I never get to see them at home," he answered, sadness filled his voice.

"And you want to fly too?"

"I already know how to. I just need hours and a license to be called an officer or captain."

"I mean, is that what you really want?" I couldn't help but ask.

"Does it matter what I want?" He tilted his head.

My visions were finally getting clear. I reached for the side cabinet and grabbed the tissue box. I quickly blew my nose, ignoring Aae's presence.

I finally got to release the fluid stuck in my nose that's keeping me from breathing and speaking casually.

"Do you think our wants, our dreams, doesn't matter?" I seriously asked.

I rolled my eyes when he nonchalantly shrugged.

"How can you say that?" I frowned.

"You are the first one who truly asks me what I want, and I never really cared until now." He turned to me, surveying my whole expression.

My emotions suddenly softened upon knowing our shared sentiment.

"You know, I visited my therapist," I told him. He patiently waited for what I was about to say, but I just stared at him for a minute until he looked away.

"Why are you staring at me?" He raised an eyebrow. "I'm falling."

If this was a usual conversation, I would definitely be thrown by his confession, but I already recognized his presence. I already know why every inch of his body made me quiver. I was terrified because I thought I like him. No, it's not that. I was afraid of the look in his eyes.

"My therapist told me to face it, or I will never have the courage to move on."

"To face what?" He looks confused.

"My fear." I fixed my eyes on him.

"Am I your fear?" He bent his head a little.

He did that whenever he was thinking. What is he thinking? I was afraid to know.

"Are you afraid to fall for me? Don't worry, I'll give the feeling back, even twice." He licked his lower lip.

I wanted to laugh at him, yet I couldn't find my voice. My therapy couldn't even heal me, or maybe I was the one avoiding the remedy?

"I can see my brother in you," I stated, terrified.

I thought I wanna see my brother again, but no. Seeing my brother woke the fear I buried in my chest, knowing I wasn't able to save him. I couldn't face him. I was afraid of his ghost.

"How does it make you feel?"

"Bothered," I honestly answered. "Are you sent by my brother? Or are you my brother's reincarnation?"

He laughed at the joke. I wasn't joking. Is it possible?

"You serious, Zamora? You okay?" He wagged his head.

"How is it possible for you to look like him?" I hysterically said. "You even have the same features."

"Nah." Aae crossed the distance between us and patted me in the head.

Uh, I screamed in my head. Even with that gesture, it reminded me of how my brother assured me everything was fine.

I've been hiding everything I felt. All of it, and I totally burst in front of my therapist a while ago. I thought I could hide it if I don't speak about it.

"You must be dreaming or maybe hallucinating?" He was not sure about that.

Why do I felt like he's avoiding the topic?

"I mean, you might be seeing me as your brother because you missed him, or you felt the need to have one, and I am here."

Why do I felt like he is keeping a secret from me?

"Do you know my brother?"

He didn't respond. He stared at me until he pulled me towards him to feel the warmth of his body. He locked his arms on mine as he whispered, "How many times have you cried since your brother left?"

"Why do you fear your brother? Isn't that a good thing seeing me in him? At least, you know a part of him lives in me." His hug tightened as I tried to hide the tears.

"I-m afraid," I murmured. "To see my b-brother."

The memories of the accident came flashing back like a strip of a film. It was drowning me again with tears as Aae wrapped me with his arms.

No matter how many times people say they don't blame me for what happened, I couldn't shrug the thought, that I was there. I should have tried to push him out of the car before calling out for help. He was still breathing, he was still smiling - but damn! I left my brother alone, I left him.

I shouldn't have listened to him.

I should have never let go of his hand.

Curse that damn drunk motorcycle driver!

If it weren't for him, the accident would never occur. My brother would still be alive, and I wouldn't have to feel this way.

Sorry. But I often thought the guy riding the motorcycle deserved to die.

I don't know. I never wanted to see him nor even crossed paths with him again. I would never forgive him as much as I couldn't forgive myself.

"Your brother would never want to see you like this," he whispered behind my tears. "So, pull yourself together, Zamora."

I could feel the annoyance in his voice as it slowly crumbled upon saying, "Sorry, if my existence bothered you. Sorry, I promise not to look at you in the eyes again."

I fell asleep in his arms.

I was not sure if I dreamt of my brother, or it was just another ghost in my bedroom.

"I couldn't believe it's already December," Gab yelled in frustration and excitement. "Too many activities, quizzes, and I never even felt November."

"It drained and still draining my energy," I agreed. Though, it kept me busy with things I don't want to remember.

"It's the end of the year, but here we are," Charish retorted. She was sitting next to Geralt, who was finishing his art project.

"Uh, Graduating really sucks," Chad reacted.

I couldn't disagree.

I won the Literature contest yesterday and was qualified to join the National Competition. I wanted to drop it, but it was something that my parents would be proud of.

Well, it's not much compared to what Zack was doing. He was out for the whole month of November as he represented the schools in academic competitions, which he all qualified for the national competition.

"How's your application?" Gab turned to me. She started combing her hair as she asked, "Did you tell your parents about getting pre-med instead of pre-law?"

I wagged my head in frustration.

"Should we exchange lives?" I asked her.

This is the time when I felt like the world was a bit unfair. Can we just exchange lives and be happy?

The bell rang. I closed my modules and handed my art project to Charish. The rest of our classmates stayed inside and decided to skip recess just to finish the rest of the activities.

Gab and I walked to the cafeteria since we're both hungry.

"I wonder what Aae and Caroline are talking to," Gab noticed them as we passed by the alley to the cafeteria.

I shrugged. Are they even close?

Do they really want to beat Zack?

I doubt if Aae would even agree to Caroline's plan, though he's been studying a lot lately.

I don't think they could beat Zack, especially when Zack finally got serious. Psh! He should get serious. I don't want him dating Caroline, so he better study well.

Where is he anyway?

We went to our usual seats upon getting our snacks. I handed Gab my extra banana milk. I found it on my locker a while ago, Zack must have bought them.

"I'm sleepy," Zack yelled as soon as he sat beside me. I placed my palm on his mouth to stop him from whining loud. Gosh, shouting in the cafeteria is prohibited.

I felt the bolt on my stomach as he rested his head on my shoulder. Gab gave us a scrutinizing look as she bit her chocolate chip. I was starting to figure out what she was thinking.

Psh! As much as I wanted Zack to find comfort on my shoulder, I quickly gestured him to move away.

The Sisters might scold us to death if they've seen us. There were a lot of restrictions in this school like no to the personal display of affection. I sometimes hated it, though it made me learned how to hide my emotions, so Zack would never know how I felt about him.

I felt the eyes at the back of my head. Uh, why is Zack so famous?

"Hey, hey, this is the cafeteria! Don't sleep." I nagged at him as he rested his head on the table upon shoving him from my shoulder.

"Have you eaten yet?" I asked, but he isn't responding.

I haven't seen him for the past few days because of the academic competition. I doubt if he was even reviewing. He might be just listening to audio recordings of the lessons made by the teachers.

"Must be really hard to be Zack, right?" Gab shook her head.

"Why not pass the rank to Caroline?" I whispered to him. He waved mid-air, and I could feel his fatigue as he heavily breathed.

"Baka!" Gab mimicked us. "It's you he only wants to date " Gab winked.

"Whatever, Gab." I rolled my eyes. "Just study."

"I've been studying all my life," she sighed. "Would they allow me to take law since I've been a good girl?"

I heaved. I've been asking myself too.

I wanted to tell my parents I don't want to take law. Would they allow me?

I was afraid to throw the question. They might use my brother against me. Do I have a say on that?

Gab and Zack went ahead of me after the bell rang. Coach called me to visit the board for the schedule of the National Game next year. I decided to still join the competition. It would be my last. After that, I'll be forgetting my first love. I hope my parents would understand.

"Hey " I fumbled upon hearing Caroline's voice.

"Yeah?" I questioned. I raised my eyebrow.

"I have very interesting news." She moved closer to me and whispered something that made me weak.

I immediately ran inside our room. My classmates were scattered around the four corners of the room as they finished the activities. I remembered there will be no class for the day.

Zack wasn't around, so I walked to Chad. He was sitting next to Aae.

They both lifted their heads to look at me. Chad's dimple showed as he pursed his lips. He recognized the agony written in my face.

"Zack is leaving," I stated. "Is he?"

Chad's jaw dropped and quickly recovered with a laugh to fool me, but I wasn't dumb this time.

"Is he?" I turned to Gab when I couldn't get an answer from the boys.

She looked down.

I circled my eyes around them, my classmates, whom I treated like a family, and they all avoided my gaze.

I had my answer. Am I even existing here?

Wow, I can't believe this!

I wanted to scream but decided to quietly walk out. I could understand them. I believe Zack wanted it hidden from me. But, Gab? Even Gab?

Damn!

"Oh, what's up?" Zack greeted me upon entering the room. His mint scent lingered as he passed by the AC.

"Why so quiet?" He scanned the whole room until his gaze fixed on Chad.

I rolled my eyes at him before going out. This time, it was because of hurt, betrayal, and annoyance.

I found my way to the rooftop. I felt the gush of the wind as I made my way to the railings. I lifted my head to stop my tears. I was fascinated by the plane as it hid across the clouds.

I decided to worry about the planes above to stop myself from thinking, but I realized he would be riding that one soon.

After a minute, I heard the heavy footsteps towards me.

"Katie." Zack's baritone voice made me turned.

We both stared at each other until I decided to break the silence.

"I am going to ask a question." I gulped. "Are you leaving?"

"How did-"

"Yes or no, Zack." I tried to calm myself and stop myself from crying. I couldn't believe he was hiding something like that from me, and for so long.

"Yes." He hesitated. He placed his palm at the back of his head, avoiding my gaze.

"For good?" I confirmed.

He nodded.

"Why?"

"My parents bought a lot of foreign investments and decided to start a life there. It had been the plan before I met you since I also wanted to attend a specific flying school of my dream in Indiana," he explained.

"No," I tied my hair in frustration. "Why didn't you tell me?" I raised my voice.

How dare he? He got mad at me for keeping secrets because of Aae, but his secret was much more a big deal than mine.

"Katie, I am going to tell you. It's just-"

"What?" I clutched to my chest. I'm feeling the pain again. "When are you going to tell me? After graduation? When your flight has already been scheduled tomorrow? W-when?"

I cupped my mouth when tears started to leave my eyes.

I heard him cursed.

"I couldn't tell because I don't want to see you like that." He tried to hold my wrist, but I pulled it away.

"Like this?" I pointed at my face. I scowled in disappointment. "That's it, that's why you couldn't swear. You couldn't make a promise because you already made the decision." I wiped my tears.

It must be the reason why he couldn't pursue us. Why haven't I noticed that?

He's Zack Jersey Mendoza Zendaya.

If he wants something, he would instantly do it, but he never made a single move to confess his feelings.

Uh, Zee. Why haven't you realized that?

Not that it matters. It was the fact that Zack was leaving for good. For good, for God's sake, and I don't even know!

"I don't want to see you cry." His voice broke. He tried to hold my hand, but I pushed him away.

"I am already crying, Zack," I shouted in frustration. "I know, I know, I-I shouldn't be mad..."

"Katie..."

I pushed him away. Uh, I couldn't explain what I felt. I was slowly losing air to breathe. I leaned on the railings to keep my balance while he tried to hold me.

"Yeah, I shouldn't Zack, but-" I heavily breathed.

He caught me on the verge of bending my knees. I immediately forced my fist to his chest. He didn't stop me from hitting him until I got tired, and he had to carry my weight.

"Zack, I ain't mad because you are leaving to chase your dreams. B-but at least let me prepare myself ahead of time." I burst into tears.

"Y-you knew h-how hard is it for me to lose someone I loved without n-notice, a-nd a-nd you're doing it, you did it."

"Please," He sobbed. "Please understand it's also hard for me."

I stared at him. My visions were becoming blurry, yet I could see his tears falling down. I saw the frustration in his eyes as he watched me cry.

"Zack, I am your best friend," I stated. "D-do you think I deserve to know that? Everyone knows, even Gab, fcking everyone at our class knows," I hugged myself. I couldn't stop my tears. It hurts.

"I-I felt so betrayed," I whispered enough for him to head.

There was complete silence for a minute. It was only our sobbed I could hear until he said those words I've been longing since.

"I like you, Katie."

"Will it make any difference, Zack?" I bit my lower lip as I tasted blood and tears. "If I say those words back, will you stay?"