Chapter 87: Chapter 87

Chapter 85: The friends

It took a lot for him to come forward. Watching her sad and weary from afar, he felt compelled to put his pride aside and be there for her. He found it difficult, immensely difficult to put their past behind them. He found it difficult to let go, as burdening as the truth was... his love for her lingered on. Thomas was embarrassed by his actions. Truly, truly what had gone through his mind when he leeched out all their dirty laundry to Austin's father. Mr. Cunningham did not like Merrigold at all. His hate free day by day for her. Everyone knew, everyone could see it. When giving the slaves instructions, he was always quick to make snarky comments that were clearly aimed at one person. He refused for Merri to join the church gathering. They would always have lunch after the service, he also refused for Merri to join. Mr. Cunningham would always say 'ask Austin...where ever he may be...' Merrigold tried not to let his comments get to her but sometimes it was all overwhelming. She'd cry herself to sleep because the wait was becoming awfully long. Trying to keep positive, she found it hard. Months had gone by without him being a no-show. Anytime now she could be in labor. Merrigold was scared stiff, terrified to say the least. Giving birth would not be a fun walk, especially two. She was bigger now, not knowing if growth would ever stop... it did not seem that way. Doing day to day dues proved difficult. Mrs Cunningham tried her best to cater to Merri but it was hard for her to do so with Mr Cunningham being around and unnecessarily guilt tripping her.

"Good day, Merri..." he greeted.

"Thomas?" She replied lowly, rather disinterested.

"We have not talked in a long while..."

"It's not my fault, is it?" She countered.

"No..." he paused. "It's not."

Merrigold was not in the mood for any jealousy feud. If that was his reason for scouting her here in her serenity this mid afternoon, she would allow it.

"They should be here by now..."

"Yes, anytime now."

"I'm sure they will be adorable..." Thomas chuckled. Merrigold turned to finally look at him. Surprised... a little shocked... overwhelmed. Was this Thomas being nice to her? Thomas had always been a nice lad but he had gone through some changes with the way things had turned out. He had turned brutal and uncaring. He had turned into someone Merrigold did not recognize. He seemed very bitter and made compulsive decisions. Merrigold had given up on the thought of them ever having any sort of innocent genuine friendship.

Seemingly speechless, Merri gasped then turned to look at her belly. Her back hurt, most of the time. Not that she had anyone to complain to. It felt as if she was carrying a watermelon, even bigger than the usual. Not to mention, the boys were as active as could be.

"What he has been doing is not right, you know Merrigold..." Thomas muttered in the midst of the awkward silence. "It's wrong. No one should be treating someone that way especially in such a vulnerable state."

"He would be pleased if I lost the pregnancy..." Merrigold added, feeling her tears peak below her eyes. They stung. She had not had a friend throughout all this, her brother and Miriam were family. They could never count as friends. For Thomas to approach her this way... like he always had? It meant a lot to her because lately she had been feeling alone. With their ruckus movement, she could never feel alone but mentally she felt alone.

"Well that is too late now..." Thomas chuckled. "The only thing we can all do is accept that they're here. They're alive and they're not their parents mistakes..." looking at Merrigold, Thomas smiled. "They're innocent and don't deserve any of this hate. They know not any wrongs of this world."

Merrigold felt touched by his response so touched she couldn't speak. Her guilt, had suddenly peaked up making its presence known. This should have been them once upon a time. This should have been theirs, this—

It did not matter anymore.

"I can not believe that I wanted to take my own life... what kind of a mother will I be Thomas? Am I really cut out for this. I can not believe... I was one of the first people to hate them. My own children."

"Granted, you were traumatized Merri. How were you supposed to accept that you were going to be a mother at such an intense time in your life. So much had gone on... so much..." Thomas whispered the last part. "The lose of your first child... and so much more."

"It has been a long year."

"Feels like yesterday when we knew nothing of Austin except he was the Cunningham son who resided in Manchester..." Thomas attempted to lighten the mood.

"I swear, I tried." Merri muttered feeling guilty.

"Tried what Merri?" He questioned.

"I really tried, I tried so hard to... push him away...to make us work... I tried, I tried to distance myself from him and—"

"It's alright Merri, there really is no need. I suppose what else could he do, when he was residing with a beautiful woman like yourself. It all makes sense you know. I've thought long and hard about all this. The minute he named that horse after you, the minute he started asking me questions on only the second day of you hitting him. He loved you then, I think... he did not want to admit it either." Thomas sighed. "You should have seen his face Merri, he had this annoying grin whenever you came around. He had this annoying fuss to want to impress you even if it meant degrading you. I was as blind as a bat to not see it. Further more he started to act even stranger, more ecstatic. I should have known then that you had done the did with him."

Merrigold felt rather awkward. She had no excuse what so ever for what she had done. Why she had slept with him in the first place, yes he had offered her family better living conditions and so on but initially, she was curious.

"Then surprise surprise for as long as we had been together your brother never approved of us being intimate or being too close. Austin arrived and the James suddenly gave us his blessings. He saw it, your brother knew it even before you and I. I suppose who could miss that with the way you two acted around each other. The insults, the pretense to hate each other, you suddenly sitting at the table..."

"If I could turn back time, I wouldn't have—"

"Do not lie to yourself Merrigold, you love him and you would have done it again. I do not understand your relationship, infact no one does..."

"It's not a relationship..." She muttered.

"Then what is it?"

"I haven't told him, I love him."

"You haven't?" Thomas raised an eyebrow.

"No, only because I was trying my best to not feel this way. The day he saved me at the river and he was the last person I thought of. I think that's when I knew."

"He saved you?"

She nodded.

"Not again Merri, so the last time was not your first attempt?"

There was silence.

"I didn't want to burden you anymore. My presence only brought misery for you and James. Austin wanted you die if it wasn't for Faith... you would have. I couldn't live with that guilt. I assumed if I wasn't alive anymore the chase would be over. He would leave you alone."

"Oh Merri, you thought he'd leave me alone after you committed suicide? He'd kill me with his bare hands."

"I found out I was pregnant around that time. I was in-denial for a while until... I couldn't hide it anymore. That was another reason. I know Thomas, I'm a horrible selfish person."

"No, Merri... don't put yourself down, it was a very bad mental place for all of us."

"Why are you being so nice to me?"

"Shouldn't I?"

"No, you were very upset and have been for a while now with me..."

"I'm tired, exhausted with being bitter. I've always cared for you and putting this aside is for the best. If you want to be with a white man then so be it. As long as you're happy. I know you'd do the same for me. Perhaps Austin was always meant for you and I wasn't. The way everything played out so quickly you'd only assume this was bound to happen. I could never have what you have with Austin. No, not like what I said before. It's not about his looks or his money or that he is white. It's just that, i could never have what you have with Austin. That's what you fell in love with and I have to respect that. It must be so powerful if you can put aside all his horrendous deeds and love him for the little things you once mentioned."

"He is nice..." Merri muttered, her eyes teary. "He is really nice when he wants to be. He paints, he makes the best coffee. You'd make good friends. I know this started off on the wrong foot but— I love you Thomas, even if it isn't the same as Austin. You have a special place in my heart and nothing would make me happier than us. Nothing can take away the years we spent together, the experience you gave me. You were my first love always. The three of us accepting that it happened, it all happened and we should move forward. If possible, I'd want my kids to be around you and so much more."

A tear helpless tumbled down Thomas cheek with a grin. "I'd really love that, Merri, I'd really honestly love that." With a laugh Thomas grinned. "You're mistaken a bit. I wasn't your first love, Austin was. You did not know how to love immensely and forgivably until you met him. I only ever forced sexual relations on you while he made you coffee and did actual activities with you besides sex. He wanted to spend time with you, I only ever wanted us to go to bed. I was excited too excited. I will admit, you bored me without the thought sex. I do not know what happened perhaps it really is the forbidden fruit. It changed me in so many ways that I can only point out now. At times I assume I'm no better than when Austin raped you. Even when you did not want to, I still forced and made you feel obligated to please me. Even when you were tired or asleep, I still begged for it. Forgive me Merri, I forgive you Merri, I hope you can forgive yourself."

"This means so much to me... thank you Thomas."

"Well am I allowed a hug?"

Merri wipes her tears away and muttered. "Only if the twins allow it, they hate when people take their space even with Austin."

"Well they'd have to hate me for a bit." Thomas chuckled.

"Surely!" She turnt to give into his embrace. It was far from sexual or reaching. It was innocent and friendly. This proved a start of something new.