Chapter 54: Chapter 54

Chapter 52: The realization

"So that is your ankle biter..." Austin said pointing at the little boy running with another little girl.

Oh God!

I have a child?

I hate kids, arghh..!

"My child, Austin. Yes, that is indeed my son." William corrected, taking a shot of whisky. Austin sighed, he was never one to talk much about his feelings or anything that bothered him. He was never one to display his emotions. William knew something was terrible wrong with his friend, he had not been acting like himself ever since his move from Manchester to Marlborough.

"Child, kid, ankle biter, brat, urchin... same comparison." Austin said hastily exhaling his cigarette in the other direction. Putting his right leg on top of the other. He kept tapping his foot on the titles.

"What is the matter with you?" William questioned, concerned. Austin had dark circles under his eyes, he looked as pale as a ghost... unwell. His lanky frame even more in display, for someone who cared so much for his appearance. He looked dowdy. For someone who loved to sleek his hair back formal casual any time of the day... his hair was a mess. Coming onto the front of his forehead.

"Perfect, I couldn't be more well. Am I not allowed to pay you a visit?" Austin defended. "With the death of good ol'gallagher I ought to be hear for you."

Austin was so good at masking his emotions, William could not tell if he was overreacting or maybe yes... Austin was having a crisis. As long as Austin had a cigarette he could impersonate anything mood he needed to display.

"I might have lost my father but... meeting Christian has been—"

"Can we please speak of anything else other than ankle biters..?" Austin forced a smile before looking away.

"I want to share this joy with you..."

"You've been sharing your joys with me from Liam and frankly, I'm exhausted with that your many many joys."

William was used to this rude persona of his. If anything, when Austin was nice... he'd assume something was wrong. He still could not help but worry about Austin. "Alright uhm how's she?"

Austin's eyes immediately bulged out from panic. The mention of she? She could be anyone but he knew who was she. She was Merrigold. He did not like this feeling.

"She who? My mother?" He attempted to be sarcastic.

"No the woman you reside with, the one who cuddles you to sleep when you're being a drunk..!"

Clearing his throat, he shook his head. "I know not what you speak of."

"Austin just admit it, you fancy someone? Perhaps you will not die alone after all."

Loved someone, Austin thought.

"Not at all."

"Ohhh... I suppose that must have been a figment of my imagination."

Standing up, Austin sighed. "I probably should not have came here. I came for some peace and quiet not false accusations by my very own best mate. You know well enough how I feel about... the mating of...uhm...people like you and I with the...niggers." He thought of every intimate moment he once shared with Merrigold. It hurt. It hurt so much. It stung. He had to forget about her. She would only cause him misery.

"...Austin?" William muttered. Austin quickly shook his head and laughed. "Yes, the answer is I will probably die alone."

"It's her isn't it?"

"No, I have a lot going on for me bud. She was just another one of those floozies."

Finally William had opened the can of worms that Austin had been trying to hard to hide. Sitting back down, Austin bit on his lip waiting for Williams response.

"Laugh away!" Austin said rolling his eyes.

William shook his head. "Why would I laugh at your misery?"

"Just go ahead and say I said it. This is it right? The moment everyone had been waiting for. To see me miserable. To finally see someone hurt me for once. You can say the tables have turned. Just go ahead and share a laugh. Infact you can go report to—"

"PLEASE STOP!!" William exclaimed.

"I'm ashamed of myself, William!" Austin mumbled, his voice shaky and gruff.

"There is no need, I've been there before."

"No you have not. Everything is much easier for you! That your Panashe never once perused around with a lover. She never once spat that she loves him and will never love you. You do not know my pain. This is different. You fell for someone who actually felt something for you. I fell for a cunning harlot who only wanted to use me for my advances and what I could offer her and her family." Frustrated Austin ran his fingers through his hair. William allowed him to have his uninterrupted peace to simply rant and talk his heart out.

"...I even took her to Manchester." He said in low tone.

William gasped. "You did not."

"I did. I was willing to do anything to make her happy. To make her forgive me after everything I'd put her through."

"What did you put her through...?"

"...misconception of pregnancy."

"My goodness! You were going to be a father?" William seemed more excited for Austin, he had known him to be someone who never came inside a woman unless he felt really deeply for her or so he said.

Austin let out a hysterical laugh. "Do not be fooled please. That harlot was not carrying my child. Doubt she ever will. All I feel for her is antipathy." Austin smiled once more masking his pain and trying so badly not to think about the incident that had landed him here. Stella has drove him here, he needed to find his sanity. "...she has that innocent face that will have any men feeling sympathetic. In actuality she knows exactly what she is doing, she had me begging for her. William I told her I loved her every chance I got and she'd yell her lover's name at the top of her lungs in my face to spite me. She...she is the devil, William. I reckon I'd do anything to erase this error of neglect that I let go too far."

William nodded, listening. He understood that at times people want to rant, they do not want your advise. They simply want to air out their feelings. They do not want judgement or anything else just to have someone hear them out.

"She does not love you then?" William questioned.

Clearing his throat yet again from discomfort. "Yes, she does not and has very well made it clear."

"Why did she seem broken the day you yelled that you loved Harriet?"

"Do not confuse me William..."

"It's only a question..."

"Perhaps you should ask her yourself."

"What did you do Austin?"

"Well for starters, I will admit to making her lose her lover's child and Hilda, that's simply a story for another day."

"Hilda is back?"

"I SAID STORY FOR ANOTHER DAY."

William nodded.

"Suppose you will always always know that you were Panashe's first. I have to live with the pain of knowing I came second. For the amount of women I have been with intimately, all I wanted was her. She gave it to her lover. Deceived me for some advances..."

"Virginity does not mean—"

"For goodness sake William, I have to live knowing that nitwit deflowered her. I could kill him but then again, I'd have to the both of them."

"No need for that."

"Yes, no need because now I'm going to make them suffer first. What would be the fun in a quick death?"

"You're thinking with anger! Calm down."

"I'm calm as can be mate."

"It does not seem that way."

"All I have to tell you is, yes you were right. I fell for someone but unfortunately she is a manipulative harlot. She'd use me for her own pleasure and advances. She is as deadly as a snake. That ratchet snake."

Austin laughed to himself, continuously tapping his foot.

"You should see her playing character. Oh god, she is so good at it. She will play innocent, she will play traumatized, she will play suicidal... I can not stress this enough. I've seen her play all her characters. I'm well aware what I'm dealing with now..."

William sighed. "What if she was never playing any character?"

"You do not know Merrigold the way I do. She will literally change her personality to get me to fall into yet again sleeping with her. Once that is done, she will be back at the commune with her lover. She must have enjoyed having me beg her, having me on a leash."

"She enjoys sleeping with you? That is a good sign perhaps... it means the feeling of lust is mutual or maybe love." William tried to be enthusiastic but Austin simply rolled his eyes then looked away. "Panashe hated every second of it. She'd cry actually... but I'd rather not visit those horrid moments."

Austin scoffed. "Speaking of crying, you should have seen her bawling her eyes out for no reason what so ever yesterday."

"You describe her in such a dramatic manner. Are you not exaggerating?"

"She was crying because I ruined her sexy time with the stable boy."

"You sound a tad bit bitter, I can not take you seriously..." William added clearly amused.

"William, she was crying for nearly an hour. Attention seeking..."

"Stop giving her the attention then?"

"Honestly, she is a headache and that's enough about the past."

"It's already the past?"

"Yes, it's the past. She is simply another Stella, Hilda, Jane, Harriet harlot." Pausing for a second. He rephrased. "No, I've certainly made a mistake. Jane is A very nice woman probably the nicest woman I've ever known."

William nodded. "Heard she finally got over you."

"...that's the only incident, I feel sympathy for. It was just her blindness neediness was too much for me to handle."

"You should have never gave her false hope."

"I know." Austin added. He was softening, he was forgetting his reason for being angry in the first place. "I should send her flowers and an apology."

"Might as well do that with the list of your women."

"You know what? I would. If I wanted to and I'd exclude Merrigold because she does not deserve an apology nor does she deserves any kindness from me."

"Merrigold again?"

"I hate her."

"...mhm..."

"I'm serious, I hope she dies of childbirth while scooping out brats for her stable boy since all they do is have sex on hay. She is a tramp, I'm disgusted with myself. It seems I could not have been anymore desperate for somewhere who put my manhood. It had to be that hay hussy."

"That's harsh."

"Not as much as the pain and shame she has caused me."

"Ofcourse."

"Infact you could come home with me, offer her something. She will jump you all for free. She has no boundaries what so ever."

"I'd rather not."

"I forgot you have that your Panashe..."

"No, I do not. . She avoids me like a plague but has been allowing me to be around Christian."

"How pathetic and sad! Anyways if you ever change your mind, come try Merri she is very easy. This is coming from first hand experience. Infact she'd probably hump you for five cents or lower."

William felt uncomfortable.

"She did all that with you perhaps because she enjoyed being with you. It was not about what you were offering—"

"Do not be foolish William?! She asked me to treat her lover better and for her brother to receive an extended room with his wife at the commune before giving me her none existent virginity."

"Oh..." William replied. "I will be truthful, that does say a lot about her. You may be right, I suppose."

"Thank you very much!" Austin spat sitting back. Christian and Addie then came on the porch. Austin watched their interaction with William. He felt some sort of longing to have that but he quickly dismissed the feeling. Austin thought Christian was adorable, he did not always that kind opinion on children. Feeling as if his feelings had been well collected. He bid his goodbyes. William insisted he stay for supper eventually stayed the night. He stared at Panashe more than he should have at the dinner table. He did not understand how she was so calm, expressed peacefulness and clarity. Her voice was soft, she had kind gestures. She was so kind and thoughtful. He laughed, thinking to himself. Merrigold could never be the mother Panashe was. She could never be the decent person Panashe seemed to be. She could never be... he felt Merri was a she devil, she deserved everything that was coming for her. He felt some were lucky more than others. He envied William. He had all this, a biological son, two more children, a loving mother... Panashe who seemed to be the sweetest human there is. Austin had a lonely home and parents who did not want to see him, Stella the molester and her... child. He did not want to think about it. Not the child. He had a child? It irked him to death. Then ofcourse he had Merrigold his downfall, the prostitute.