Chapter 16: Chapter 16

Chapter 15: Merrigold.

Conscience-stricken, I was ashamed. How would I ever face him? Face Austin or Thomas. I felt so dirty, it hurt that Austin would not even cum anywhere near me. It only showed that he saw me for the harlot I had become. I had cried myself to sleep, I was sure my eyes would look swollen this early morning. With every tear, I only felt regret and guilt. I had been promised a good night but it turned out horrid, my consequences for thinking I could fool an experienced man. I actually perceived that I could fool Austin, a womanizer into thinking that I was still pure and whole? I felt repulsed by my actions. I felt nauseous and sick to my stomach. My heart ached... the look of disgust and disappointment that he had given me only made me feel worse. It kept playing like a broken record, the embarrassment I felt as I stood to pick up my garments only for him to do it for by pushing me out before I had even been fully dressed. Throwing my belongings at me, shutting the door before I could mutter a word. Maybe I should never have given myself to Thomas but then I'd still have betrayed Thomas instead. All this made my head buzz with frustration. I had to wake up and face my shame, I hoped Austin and I could share a civil conversation so I could explain myself. Why did I feel the need to explain myself? I thought I loathed him not so long ago. He was the man who wanted to take advantage of me and here I was wanting to explain myself? I should be happy that he did not get what he wanted from me. I should be relieved that it was Thomas who had been my first but in all honesty, he... had not made me feel as good as— I immediately blocked those thoughts away.

I hoped this could all be forgotten and I'd return to Thomas and forget this ever happened. Forget the way he made me feel... just forget about all of it. Mrs. Brown had been right when she said he was only being nice for a reason now that I had nothing to offer him, for his kindness. There would be no longer a need to treat me kindly.

"Master is in such a horrid mood, he went off hunting." One of the housekeepers informed me. A shiver ran down my spine, knowing it was all my doing. "He is such a lunatic, he kept mentioning that if he does not kill something... he will kill someone."

I only have a nervous laugh. "I wonder what could be the matter..."

"I certainly pity you, staying here with him at least I get to leave at the end of the day." She mused. "Just be careful Merrigold."

"It's very unfortunate and yes, I will." I whispered. With every step I took, my vagina throbbed. It reminded me of the night before, the torture I had underwent. For many reasons I blamed myself, no one else. Every wince reminded me that I had become a white man's strumpet, something I'd promised myself that I'd never be. I did not understand what had happened to me? I had never wanted any other man or anything more than what I had with Thomas. I was very happy with my simple—

"Are you alright?" Faith questioned when I looked as if bile was about to come up my throat. I felt nauseous it must have been the garlic that she was cutting. Deep down, I knew what it was. Right timing, I told myself. My eyes seemed to almost want to flood, my tears were not yet quite finished from the night before.

"Aww you.." Faith giggled. "Are you and Thomas expecting soon?" She asked teasingly. I shook my head, I refused to believe it. I refused that there was any chance I was carrying a child. I refused it, I rebuke it. Just not now... not now... wrong timing. Wrong timing when you were opening your legs? My conscience rang. Reminding that this was all my fault and no one else to blame. With that Austin walked into the kitchen carrying a deer on his shoulder. His face straight and serious. He gave me a double look, up and down that made me want to disappear immediately.

"Morning Master Austin, quite a big one you got there." Faith said enthusiastically.

Clearing his throat. "Uh yes, I can not wait to skin it and wait for it to dry and hang the head in my office. That way I can always stare at it in victory. That I am indeed a winner and nothing can bring me down."

"Good Morning Master Austin." I greeted him but he simply ignored as he set the poor animal down on the tiles.

"Faith, I will be down in a bit for breakfast." He spoke, ignoring my presence.

"Ofcourse Master." She replied, as soon as he went, Faith turned to stare at me with a grin. "He actually acknowledged me?! He is being nice to me? Can you believe that?" I could not fathom anything she had to say. I felt entirely guilty, the now decomposing deer laid on the tiles had a horrible stench. My stomach was not having it neither was my self control to keep it down. I wanted to curl up and cry.

"Merrigold..." I heard Thomas, enter the room. A bright smile and keen attitude, he looked concerned but nonetheless..

"What are you doing here?" I questioned. I had not realized it came off as rude until the words fell out of my mouth. Furrowing his eyebrows, he shrugged.

"Master called me to skin the deer..."

"Oh..."

"Merri is showing signs, you two have certainly been busy!" Faith added. I stared daggers at her as she spoke.

A little flabbergasted, Thomas grinned coming close towards where I was standing, he whispered. "Really?"

"I don't know... I do not think so."

"I love you Merri, it saddens me to see you this way is everything alright?" He asked caressing my cheek but I only sighed and moved away from him.

"Master Austin gave her a cold shoulder." Faith added. This was when I got the reminder as to why I had never looked for any sort of friendship with her. She had always wanted Thomas or so I thought and she was such a busybody. I considered her a good person, kind and always carrying for others but sometimes she overstepped boundaries. I had never needed a friend, Thomas was my friend, my everything.

"Not to worry Merri, everything will be alright. He simply woke up at the wrong side of the bed. It may have been the lady he has been courting.."

"Enough Thomas, I'd rather not speak of it."

Giving me a somber look, Thomas then whispered. "Is he... you know?"

"Excuse me?" I questioned.

"Is he hurting you?"

I immediately shook my head.

"You will be alright, just try to listen and follow instructions properly. I know you tend to be stubborn as much as I love that about you... I wouldn't want any harm or punishment coming your way."

"Look at you two love birds.." Faith added as she pretended to have her focus on the chores, she had at hand. I only gave half a smile before my name was called.

"Go on already, I love you alright?" Thomas said assuring me. Lifting the poor deer and putting it on his shoulder. I did not have it in me to tell him I loved him too. I did, I really did but I was not quite myself.

As soon as I got to Austin's study where my name had been bellowed. Never lifting his head from the papers laid on the mahogany table. He said "How many lashes do you reckon you deserve?"

My eyes threatened to water. I had never in my life been whipped and this could not be the start.

"Speak up Merrigold, I don't have all day?"

"I—"

"You're a pathetic useless—"

"I apologize." I said quickly.

"You thought you could fool me huh Merrigold? You're a shameless slut! To think I thought so highly of you than the rest of these hideous useless negroes." Clearing his throat and still not looking at me. "I want you by the end of today to inform me in writing how many lashes you deserve. I reckon you did not learn how to read and write for nothing. I expect no less than the number twenty. You will curse the day you were born, you will curse the day you thought you could make a fool out of me."

"I said I'm—"

"Your crocodile tears will not raise my sympathy. You disgust me, already as it is. I hope you have a good day expect what's coming for you." Smirking for a bit he continued. "Why the somber face Merrigold? You do not like this game but you started, it's simply my turn to play now."

Abruptly, I vomited.