Chapter 20: Chapter 20

"She had grown with me, forged a love that could not be matched, hmmmm.." I let out a soft chuckle.

"Whether to say who had aged better, she would never tell. On a day where the heat had reached its peak and the afternoon had nothing left to offer, she would lay her cheek against my cool, dark surface, follow the grooves with a finger and count the nicks with each memory of how they came to be." Saying that quite out loud

"When she awoke in a cold sweat, the darkness fresh inside and outside her mind, I would talk to her, speak words of encouragement in that high, teetering voice of mine until she made it to the other end of the hall and to her mother’s room. You’re almost there. You’re almost there. No one had ever grown closer to her than me, no one had ever come closer to feeling like home." I sighed, that was her favorite storyline from the book "Memories' ' by Dim Leon. I remember how much I hated reading that book, but she made me read her bedtime stories.

"I miss you every day Nuella" keeping aside a picture of hers, she was smiling at me that day, she looked so beautiful, she was so happy, I was too.

It's been some months since Mark has been away, I miss him too, I was sad,well Maryam is here but nothing felt better, I wanted life to bring back Nuella to me,I wanted to tell her how much I loved her,I wanted to tell her it's gonna be fine, I wanted to let her know I'll need let anything happen to her.

It is too late now, I can't do anything about it, she's gone, she promised not to leave me, she said it that day,she said she wouldn't let me go.

"Where are you now!!?" I said almost at the peak of my voice. "You fucking promised me!!" I yelled out.

"You... pro..mised..." I said slowly letting my weight hit the ground,my knees had already failed me.

"Ahhhhhhhhh!!!" I screamed, I felt destroyed,my heart burned, I couldn't do this alone.

Maryam rushed immediately into my room, she saw sitting on the cold tiles,she knew I wasn't alright obviously, there was no need to ask if I was.

"I want her back, I just want her back" I cried like a hungry child.

Maryam immediately ran towards me, wrapping me into a motherly hug,I was to act like a man, but where has acting as one landed me, I cried and cried, letting everything all out, Maryam didn't let go, she held me and that made me feel really good,she comforted like a mother should, now I only wish I had one.

There were times I felt like the world was slowly disappearing in front of me. Or maybe it was just me who was fading away.

Those moments didn't matter anyway. Because my empty burning lungs and my heart hitting my chest so hard I thought it would break my ribs and rip apart my skin were the only thing I could think about.

The void, the black hole in my head, deep inside my soul, slowly swallowing all my hopes and dreams. That was the worst of those moments. The realization of the vacuum, the nothingness, the absurd of my existence.

Those times kept me awake at five a.m. and made me wonder, why am I living for anyway? Maybe for me. Maybe for others. Did it really matter?

And when I couldn't find my answers on the ceiling, the anxiety turned into panic.

I never experienced grief this bad before. It all started when I lost my mother and now Nuella, my world and my hero. It sneaked up on me quietly and took me under its arms in an instant.

Every memory played like a song in my head, repeating itself for what seemed like forever. I was lost mostly because I had lost a big part of me. I couldn't get that part back and I wanted it so bad as my life depended on it but it was all gone, vanished in thin air. I can't say it got better but it did get easier. At first, I thought grief was something bad that takes you ten feet under but soon I learned that it was just the price we had to pay for loving someone.

When my thoughts became nonsense, and all the more interesting for it, I knew I was falling asleep. Now all I had to do was let go.

As I opened my eyes and closed them, I could see her, she was smiling so beautifully to me, she wasn't so happy,I could tell, she was waving so excited to see me.

I could feel Maryam struggle to put me to bed, I opened my eyes to see her crying, I said something but couldn't hear it myself,but she nodded which one I signed up for. She was in agreement with whatever I said.

She covered me up and told me it was okay, I could feel a light kiss on my forehead, maybe it's my dreams, maybe not but it felt good,I saw Maryam as my mother, well people always say we looked alike.

I began to let go,the comfort of this bed was too much to resist. I let nature take its part.