Chapter 53: Chapter 53

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The thoughts running through his head should've discouraged him to go further.  Not push his luck with her. They should've reminded him of the consequences instead. Scared him away for good.

But the fear of losing her forever outmatched them all.  His chest ached somewhat.  The pit of his stomach churned.  Just thinking of never seeing her again—it gutted him at night. Robbing him of sleep.  Making him doubt his own logic and sanity.  "You're gonna leave LA for good?"

"That's not what I said." Jessi averted her eyes.  Her soft hand clasped his forearm, ready to push him out the door.  But she didn't.

For him, it was enough encouragement.  Maybe he could still change her mind.  He just  wanted to see if this still had a chance.  If he actually had a chance.  No harm in trying.  He just didn't want to end up hating himself more because she thought he didn't try harder.  "Yeah, but, you didn't really say you wanna come back."

A flash of regret and guilt crinkled the smooth, pale skin of her forehead.  "I just don't..." She looked him in the eye.  "I don't wanna make promises I can't keep."

"Jess, I don't want you to promise me anything." He pressed his lips on top of her head, stifling a sigh.  The smell of rain and her floral-scented shampoo filled his nostrils.  "I just want you to think about it."

"I know."

"Give it some more thought. That's all. 'Cause, I just don't like thinking I'd never see you again."  It hurt like a stab in the gut.  Like the thought of seeing her with another guy.  Happy and content with someone else.

Hopefully that lucky someone didn't come with the miles of scars and baggage he had. Someone who saw the real her and valued her happiness and whatever she wanted to do in life.  Not a selfish, manipulative, crime-magnet asshole like him.  She deserved better.

Instead of responding with denial or an explanation, Jessi only pursed her lips and avoided his stare again.

"Do you still sleepwalk?" he sighed after seconds of silence, frowning at his shitty attempt to diffuse the awkward tension.

"I don't think so," she muttered with a slight pout.

Good.  Okay.  And it seemed she didn't mind that he suddenly switched gears.  "Your parents know. Right? That sometimes stress and anxiety trigger it?"

"Yeah. But, it hasn't happened in a while, so..."

"Did you tell them? That it happened again?" Jenson stroked the curve of her neck and shoulder, her softness and warmth just soothing.

"They don't know yet."

"I'm, er, kinda worried something might happen to you."

"Why?" Jessi looked up and stared back at him. Her grin etched cute dimples below her cheekbones. It almost looked shy.

"I mean, you could end up sleepwalking again when there's no one to keep an eye on you."

"No. I'll be fine,"  she murmured with another smile.  When he didn't respond, she flattened her palms on his chest.  "It's one of the reasons I'm moving back home."

"Okay."  Well, at least her parents would be there for her.  And unlike him, they knew what was best for her and they loved her unconditionally.  "I understand."

"Thank you."

"Put your health first. You should." He lightly pinched her chin.  "Don't feel pressured to find a new job just 'cause you feel it's what you should do."

"Okay."

"If you need money, or you need help with something, just call me."

"Okay.  Thank you." Her smile looked more sincere this time.  She leaned in to kiss his cheek.  A little peck.  She didn't pull away, surprisingly.

Ignoring the alarm bells going off in his head,  Jenson grabbed her wrist to pull her back toward the bedroom.  Maybe this had to happen now.  Maybe she wanted this, too.

The lack of a refusal from her spurred him on, testing his self-restraint.  His feet stopped in the doorway.  He turned to lock the door behind her, the knob cold, a stark contrast to how her bare skin felt to his touch.

"Are you still upset?" she murmured, the worry faintly creasing the skin beside her pretty brown eyes.  In this dim lighting, they looked darker, beguiling. Attentive and tempting.

"No.  I just don't want you to go."

She clasped his hands to put them on her cheeks. Like she longed for his touch.  "It's not like, I hate it here. I don't."  She bit on her lip.

The image seared itself in his brain.  Dull heat rushed along his spine, straight down to his groin.

"I love working with you. You know that. Right?" Jessi sighed.  Her voice sounded frail.  The unease in her tone matched the concern in her eyes.

"Yeah." He smiled.  "And I wish it were enough."

"Joss..."  The pained look in her eyes felt like a sucker punch in the gut.

"No."  He stopped touching her face.  "I get it. You don't have to apologize."

"I wanna stay friends. Please?"

Friends.  Just friends.  Okay.  That's all he was to her.  Well, better than back to square one.  Better than not seeing her ever again.

If she meant it, she wouldn't cut him off and shut him out of her life.  Right?  Staying friends would mean he would still get to see her from time to time.  Even if she lived hundreds of miles away from him, they would make time for each other.   She stared into his eyes, frowning.  "I'm serious, Joss."

"Yeah. I know." Jenson backed away and sat down on her bed.  If he came any closer while staring at her teary-eyed smile, he might do something he'd profoundly regret in the morning.

Things between them didn't have to boil down to this:  a bunch of white lies and half-truths.  An intricate web of secrets.  Childish, time-wasting mind games.  If the truth could be weaponized, no doubt she could put him in his place before he could even try to justify his actions.

Yet she still trusted him.  Let him in.  Helped him in every way she could.  She always made him feel appreciated.  Cared for.  Special.  Not because of what he was or what he had—to her, she was just being a real friend.  Helping him out whenever he needed one.  Paying him back.

Did it often feel like a debt of gratitude to her?  To someone from the outside looking in, her kindness might be perceived as nothing but a ploy.  Magnus and the rest of their clan would think so.  But, they didn't know the real Jessiah.  They had no idea.

Everything about her was genuine.  Kind.  Forgiving.  Pure.  Contrary to his beliefs when they first met, she was probably the best thing that ever happened to him.  But now she wanted to take all this happiness away from him.  Strip it all away.

Like some sort of punishment he deserved.  Did she think he was hiding a lot of dark secrets?  Maybe she figured out his real past.  The real him.  The reasons why he and Charmaine didn't work out.  His selfishness and lies.

Maybe it was all his fault that Jessi badly wanted to leave LA.

"What's wrong?" she whispered, kneeling in front of him now, her slim arms resting on his thighs.  Sadness welled up in her eyes.

Before he could come up with something sensible to say, her soft hands held his head to pull him in.  Their noses touched, lips just inches apart, sharing air.  He weaved his fingers into her dark hair, then slanted his head to press a kiss on her lips.

Her lips welcomed his gentleness.  He felt her smile.  It pretty much caressed his ego.  "I'll miss you," he whispered without pulling away.

Her hands gripped his arms when he kept going.  Teasing her lips with his.  Patiently waiting for her to reciprocate.  The room felt much warmer now despite the familiar chill of the night.

After a few coaxes and some patience, Jessiah responded.  Her soft, beautiful lips returned the favor.  Slightly tamer than what he wanted, but it felt way better than he anticipated. Not chaste at all.

A good sign—a sure sign, perhaps.  She didn't really want him to leave.  Not yet.  Maybe she wanted him as much as he wanted to be with her.  Even just for tonight.

As his heartbeat ratcheted up, he cupped her face and licked her lips, then her warm tongue.  Tasting her.  Feeling her.  The gasp from her soft mouth and the way her body tensed only urged him to deepen the kiss.

It wasn't awkward this time.  "But I really do wanna stay friends."  Jessi pulled away to sneak her hand into his shirt, her breaths hot and turning shallow.

"Sure. I respect that, but, thing is..." he muttered, putting on a scowl to make her sweat.  "I don't wanna be just friends."  He took his shirt off for her.

Her gaze turned lustful.  Her eyes studied the trained muscles on his chest and abs, with her slender body trapped between his legs as he sat on the edge of her bed.  "I know, but..."

"What?"

"I'm not great with relationships, and commitment."

"We can always try to work things out." He pulled back to look her in the eye.  Resisting the scorching hot temptation to do more would be best for them both, but, much easier said than done.  His heart wouldn't stop pounding from the realness of their conversation.

Fuck.  He'd been waiting and wanting this for months.  Why did they wait so long just to have this talk?  "You mean, you wanna do long-distance?"

"No," he sighed.  By now just hearing the words was enough to rile him up.  "But, if that's  the setup you want, and if that's what you're ready for, then fine.  I'll give it a shot."

"No." She pulled his head down for another kiss. Deep. Urgent. Needy. Uninhibited.

The slight surprise parted his lips.  He gripped her waist and stroked her hair, combing it away from her gorgeous face. They prolonged the kiss with her tongue sliding beneath his.  With his arm around her back, he drew her closer till their hips were snugged, his crotch  rubbing onto her flat stomach.

But what did she really mean by "no"?

"Could you be more specific?" he murmured while leaving little kisses along her jaw, the anticipation tightening every bit of him as he waited for her to undress in front of him.

She moaned and turned her face away, angling her head towards the windows to give him better access to her neck.  "Can we talk about something else?"

"Sure."  He hooked a finger into the hem of her pants, her skin almost feverish.  Like her hair, her neck smelled of flowers and soap.  "Can you tell me something true?"

She nodded weakly.  The muted sounds she made in her throat were nowhere near innocent, and the way her body arched against his only tempted him to do more.  She stroked his stubbled jaw with her thumb.  "Sometimes I touch myself, and I'd think of you all night, here in bed with me."

Fuck. This must be a dream.

Holding his breath, he undressed her without taking his eyes off hers.  The sight of her wearing nothing but dark, skimpy underwear just shot blood down his manhood.  Or maybe her unexpected dirty talk was to blame.  Or both.  "Why?"

"Because I like thinking of you touching me," she confessed, her voice low, almost breathless.  When he pulled her into his lap, she held his face to kiss him on the lips again.  "And kissing me."

"Same."

"And I wanna know how you feel."

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