Chapter 45: Chapter 45
“Thank you, it must be hard to come here and see me. Maybe something happened so Helena was a little overrated today.” Natty said.
“I’m not sure if this is just for today. I think it’s going to happen in a few days, or maybe longer than that. It might as well be harder to meet than this.” Gale said with her moody face and Natty rubbed her head and cheeks.
“It’s only a moment once she feels better, she will no longer stand in our way,” Natty said.
“But I feel like she’s trying to keep us away. She’s always following you and watching you. Am I the only one who thinks so?” replied Gale, sought saying Natty had been silent and thought that what Gale was saying was true.
“What if she knows everything?” continued Gale, and this made Natty anxious
Seeing Gale’s eyes staring at her makes Natty unable to avoid or lie if she doesn’t think the same thing. But Natty doesn’t want that uncomfortable atmosphere to last long. She wanted to say something to assuage Gale’s concerns. But the coach had been clamoring to call her name, so Natty refrained from talking. Natty rubbed Gale’s head with a big smile and left.
Even though she’s calming Gale down, Natty still can’t lie to herself because she’s the one who’s so worried. From the beginning, Natty was always afraid that one day Helena would find out about her real self. And Helena’s attitude all day makes her suspicious and also worried.
Thinking about that possibility left Natty unable to focus on her training. She looks daydreaming and doesn’t notice the direction of the ball and the course of the game. Only her body is always on the field, but not her soul. Natty lost her consciousness on the game.
Helena who realizes Natty is daydreaming immediately yells at Natty. Helena gets Natty back conscious and focused, but it’s a little late. Natty refocuses on the game, but she is surprised by the ball that drifts towards her accompanied by one of her friends running towards her. Everything was so fast, and Natty didn’t dodge. A minor collision was inevitable until Natty had to return home with a strained right foot.
Helena also helps Natty get home with her. After getting off the bus, Helena continued to held Natty to walk to her home. The distance from the bus stop to Natty’s house is not so far less than 500 meters, but they took longer than usual because of Natty’s sprained right foot.
Instead of her injured leg, Natty was just thinking about her conversation with Gale all the way. Natty can’t forget her fears. She’s still frightened that Helena might find out about herself liking women. She was always frightened that Helena would reveal her secret and then their friendship would break down.
But deep down she also wanted an acceptance. She wishes to be able to say all that with pride and show everyone her true colors. She can’t bear to keep hiding like she's made a terrible mistake. She doesn’t want to keep being scared and hiding like a loser. She wishes to be able to acknowledge herself and feel accepted. Although not everyone will accept it, at least she just wishes to be able to stand and feel recognized by herself.
Natty stopped walking. Helena looks a little confused as Natty stops walking and Natty also finds out how Helena is looking at her at the moment. Natty stared to the ground and closed her eyes. She took a deep, deep breath while solidifying her determination to tell something that might change her life. After feeling ready, she lifted her face, then she looked at Helena. The gaze was intense enough that she could see Helena’s eyes shaking.
“I want you to tell the truth, do you know anything about me? The thing you can’t tell.” Natty said she wanted to know if Helena had known about her relationship with Gale.
“Why are you asking that with a face like that? You make me nervous. Of course, I know a thing about you we’ve been friends with for a long time and there’s nothing I can’t tell. You just have too many good things about you.” Say Helena with her signature sweet smile.
Helena’s words sound so beautiful. It’s very entertaining and can make other people feel happy, but that’s not the answer Natty wants to hear. Natty knows very well that Helena still keeps something else in her mind. Natty took her breath away again and chose a clearer question.
“Did you know that Gale and I were dating?” asked Natty.
But Helena bites her lower lip and then pulls her hair back while playing with her heels on the ground. Natty knew Helena so well that she knew what the little move meant. It’s a habit Helena does if she hears things she doesn’t want. And then Helena shook her head and held both natty shoulders.
“I get it, we’re in puberty. Right now you felt like the teacher looks cool and you want to feel something different. But it’s just a phase and it’s going to pass.” Said Helena.
“No, I love her. I really love her.” Natty said, but Helena kept shaking her head.
“No, it does not love. It’s just the effect of hormonal changes that occur in the life cycle. One day, you will be healed and realize that this is just a phase and it’s not real.” She told Helena held Natty’s shoulders while staring into Natty’s eyes and trying to reassure her.
Natty couldn’t believe what she was hearing. Helena’s words upset and offended her. Then Natty pulls out Helena’s hands holding her shoulders and then stares at Helena with a hurt stare.
“Incurable? Not! It’s not a phase or a hormone game or an illness. I will never be cured because this is not a sickness. It’s me! This is who I am and I love her. I never expected you would understand because you wouldn’t understand, but still, I feel disappointed.” Natty said she walked alone.
Helena can only stare at natty walking limp with her right leg still injured. Helena also feels a mess inside her because she can’t figure out Natty’s upset. She doesn’t know because thinking about other people are not her fore.
‘Sometimes we say something that even though we know others won’t accept it we keep saying it because we don’t expect acceptance from others but from ourselves.’