Chapter 19: Chapter 19

I rush to Lunar's room and impatiently knock on the door.

Endlessly.

"Sheesh, Lu! I'm coming." Comes her roommates reply and it crushes every bit of hope I had left.

She thinks I'm Lunar.

Meaning Lunar isn't here.

The door opens and she gasps at the sight of me.

"Nathan?"

"Please tell me you've spoken to Lunar." I beg, hoping that at least I can get a clue.

She looks confused.

"No...Not since today." She says slowly.

"Oh God." I mutter, covering my face with my hands.

This can't be happening.

"I can't... I can't do this alone Tess. I need you. I need your help." I beg as I rake my hands through my hair, trying not to let panic get the best of me.

I can't say the same for her roommate, she looks like she is about to freak out.

"What's going on? Where's Lunar?" She asks and I feel like the walls are closing in on me.

How could I have done this to her?

She begged me to stay, and I...I didn't.

God, what have I done?

Where could she be?

"Where is she? What's happening?" She insists now and I sigh.

I don't know how to handle all this at once but I needed her help.

"Listen, I know Lunar is going to reach out to you." I say as steadily as I can, trying not to let my emotions get the better of me.

"Reach out? What happened to her?!" Her face is enveloped in panic and her voice is rising.

"I just need a chance to fix this....And you're the only chance I've got. Whenever she speaks to you, I need you to please ask her where she is. Please."

She nods slowly, even though she still looks confused.

"And then I need you to tell me her location. She is out there and she's all alone and I need to be with her. I need to talk to her. You're the only hope I have in making this right." I plead and watch her eyes get watery.

But she nods anyway.

"Okay." She says quietly.

"Please, Theressa. I'll be waiting for your call." I say and leave quickly.

I was running out of time.

She could be anywhere.

So far as she's somewhere that she knows I won't be able to find her. But that's the last thing she needs...To be alone.

I should be with her. Now.

Wherever she is.

I should hold her close to me.

I should wipe her tears and say all the things I didn't say.

The things that would have set everything right.

Tell her I'm sorry.

That I never should have gone drinking with those childish jerks.

Tell her nothing they say defines who she is.

Tell her the beauty of who she is.

....Tell her how much I love her.

The last thing I need is for my baby to give up on me.

And so I get in my car and spend hours searching.

And searching.

And searching.

All the while waiting for Tess's call...But it never comes.

And as I enter my apartment, exhausted....I pray silently that I won't be too late when I find her.

I pray that she hasn't given up on me already.

****

LUNAR'S P.O.V

"At least tell me where you are." Tess begs over the phone and I sniffle.

"I...I can't. Just know that I'm okay. That's all I called to say. I just need to be alone for....for some time." I say between sniffs as I grab another tissue from the Kleenex pack and wipe my nose.

"But, Lu...I'm worried about you." Tess says softly and I take a deep breath, trying not to let her words get to me.

Its time to end the call.

"I'll be fine. Bye Tess."

"Wait, Luna--" and I end the call.

In the silence of the room, I stare at the phone.

10 messages from Nathan.

17 missed calls from Nathan.

11 voicemails....from Nathan.

I squeeze my eyes shut, willing myself to remember that I'm angry at him.

And angry at myself.

And angry at Lucas.

And angry at his bunch of friends.

...But why am I angry at Nathan?

He did try to defend me.

He tried.

But I couldn't let myself give in now.

He may have tried to defend me....but the only time he made an effort was when it was too late.

'Hey Nathan, I'm up next! I would like to get a piece of that---'

What would he have said?

Piece of what?

I shake my head, willing the memory gone.

The possibility of what he would have said.

The hurtful words.

That was when Nathan made a move...but even he knew it was too late.

The guilt in his eyes.

His silence.

I wonder if they laughed at me after I left....

If they laughed at my humiliation.

I wonder how different my life would have been if I never dated Lucas.

If I had just stayed on my own and learnt to heal by myself.

If I hadn't stupidly fallen for his manipulation.

Oh, how happy I would have been...

Dating Nathan would have been magic. Like the romance you read about...without the past of Lucas haunting me.

With that thought in mind, I curl under the duvet and let sleep invade my heavy and exhausted eyes.

And dreams of Nathan and I occupy the emptiness of my sleep.

Dreams of the both of us in a world without Lucas.

A blank, empty, colourless world.

*****

NATHAN'S P.O.V

Its 2 am when I finally collapse on my bed....tired but not sleepy.

Thoughts of Lunar on my mind.

Where is she?

Is she somewhere safe?

Is she okay?

Has she eaten?

Will she be able to sleep?

Is someone with her?

How much has she cried?

I sit up now, burying my face in my palms as the worry clouds my thoughts.

I need a chance.

A clue.

Anything.

Just then my phone rings out from where it is on the nightstand and I grab it.

Tess.

"Tess...anything?" I say, holding my breath.

Tess sighs over the phone.

"She called me...but it didn't even last for a minute."

"What did she say?"

"She said she just wanted to let me know that she's fine. She wouldn't answer any of my questions....nothing." Tess says, sadness dripping from her words.

I let my mind think.

I have to fix this.

"Was there any background noise from where she called? Anything?"

If she used a payphone maybe I could still go out and drive around. Or ask if anyone saw her.

"No...nothing. No noise or sound. It was quiet." She says and I sigh.

"Okay. Thank you, Tess."

After the call is over, I lay on my bed and let my mind think.

If the place was quiet...then maybe she was safe.

But the only safe and quiet place she would have gone to so quickly would be.....

I sit up now.

Of course.

*****

LUNAR'S P.O.V

I sit back, taking spoonfuls of my Chinese noodles and soup as I watch the news on CNN.

My head hurt from crying so much last night.

My bed was littered with used Kleenex tissues.

My hair was a mess.

But I didn't care. I just wanted to wallow in my self pity.

Alone.

On the news, they're talking about a man whose wife gave birth to septuplets and he is glowing with happiness and pride.

"This is the happiest day of my life..." the man is saying and I don't know why that does the trick but I'm welling up with tears again and I grab my Kleenex pack.

But when I reach for a tissue...I feel nothing.

It's empty.

My tears flow even more.

Why can anything go my way?

People are out there having the happiest days of their lives and I'm stuck in this terrible curse called my life.

I wipe my tears with my shirt and continue to focus on my soup.

And then...

Clack, clack, clack.

Comes the knocking on my room door.

I sit quietly, waiting for the person to leave.

I didn't order for anything.

The knocking comes again.

"Room service." A lady's voice rings out and I groan inwardly.

I just want to be alone!

"Miss Kensington?" She calls out again and I know if I don't open it, she will.

I get up from the bed and head for the door.

But when I open it, I come face to face with Nathan.

I see relief wash over his face and behind him, the lady smiles and leaves.

Instantly, I attempt to shut the door but Nathan is faster than I am and he holds it open.

I know it's pointless, yet I struggle to force the door shut but Nathan easily pries it open and walks in.

I stand speechless, staring at him.

I'm not ready for this.

I'm not.

I'm a mess.

My room is a mess.

Today was meant to be for me and my wallowing.

Nathan is quiet, standing there and just watching me.

"How did you find me?" I force the words out quietly.

"I checked every hotel, every motel...."

How did he know I would be in a hotel?

"Why won't you all just leave me alone?! I want to be alone!" I yell at him.

"No you don't." He says calmly as he shuts the door.

"Yes I do! I want to be alone where I won't be judged or mocked or ridiculed!" I say in tears and he stands there, observing me through thoughtful eyes.

"I'm just a joke! A cheap joke!"

"Baby, don't say that." He says calmly, his eyes mirroring emotions.

"Why shouldn't I? You let your friends say it anyway, didn't you?"

I say and he stays quiet for some time.

"I'm so sorry. I tried to stop them, I did. I know I should have shut it down earlier---"

"Does it even matter?" I say quietly in tears. Nathan's remorse drawing up my emotions.

"They were right." I say and he frowns.

"No. No they weren't." He says firmly but I'm already shaking my head.

"Yes they were. I tried. I tried so hard to be angry at them and angry at you for it. But I don't blame either of you...because it's true. I'm.. I'm...just a cheap, worthless girl and I let Lucas use all of me until I had nothing to offer....But shame." I cry, squeezing my eyes shut and then I feel Nathan's arms around me.

"Lunar, please don't ever say that. You're so amazing and---" I pull away from him and look up at him through my tears.

"No I'm not. You don't have to lie. I know I'm not."

"Lunar---"

"I'm not. Which makes me wonder why you even want to be with me. I'm ruined. Were they right? Are you just taking your turn with---"

"What? Of course not!"

"Then what?! What Nathan?! What do you want from me?! Why aren't you dating a blonde, that has the perfect body and loves to diet and gym. A girl that asks you to come see her family because she has a family! A perfect family where her dad isn't a criminal and they all hold hands and say the grace and invite you for thanksgiving? Why aren't you with a girl that has no painful past, and is popular and sweet and pure and shy and innocent and everyone loves her? Why don't you chase after those girls that will give you a fairy tale romance and your friends will talk about how cool and amazing she is and no one judges her?!........Why me?"

He walks closer to me.

"Because I want you. You. Nobody else. I don't want a girl with any of the things you mentioned...I just want you." He says softly, his gaze on mine and my lip quivers.

"Why?...I'm a wreck. Why would you want a wreck."

He takes my hand in his.

"Because a wreck is a survivor. A wreck is transformed and fixed in beautiful ways that can never be matched by the 'so-called' perfection. And when a wreck transforms...it's the most amazing thing. Like spring after snow. Every tree, every plant sheds their dried up leaves and even as they are dried up and falling, those brown, orange and yellow colours are beautiful. And when the snow snatches away every leaf that tree has left, the tree is still strongly rooted to the ground....standing."

He pulls me closer.

"And the snow does it's worst...And it melts. Because it's weak. But that tree survives and springs up again...and it is the most beautiful thing." Nathan says and wipes my tears.

"So you have a checkered past, who doesn't? Those idiots and everyone in this world have parts of their pasts that they're ashamed of and they hide it. But you claimed yours and you healed baby. And if there's an alternate universe of us out there and the girl didn't date Lucas and their biggest concern is which fancy restaurant to go to, I'll still pick this universe...with you. All those girls you mentioned, they're the rough and you're my diamond. You're priceless and I love you." He says to me and at this point I'm all but jumping on him with happiness.

Somehow every word he said erased every doubt and fear and sadness I had.

"Okay?" He says and I nod.

"Okay." I say, unable to stop my smile and he pulls me back into a hug.

"I love you too." I say against his chest, feeling content and happy and reassured and relieved.

Every emotion that troubled me melts away and makes room for happiness.

Pure and true.