Chapter 15: Chapter 15

CHAPTER FIFTEEN: THE MISTAKE

D8.

DANIEL

My head is cluttered with so many thoughts as I arrive home and get my study materials together on the dining room table. I’m thinking about Anna and the possible witness in her case, I’m thinking about how I need to step up my game in both basketball and my studies, and I’m thinking about Radjan, my new rival on court, who is maybe not as bad as I thought he was.

I don’t know why that guy decided to save me today, but I’m grateful that he did. Radjan could have benefited from my being kicked out of the TBA; it would have made him the absolute star player in our team. Yet, he decided to save me and for that, he has earned my total respect.

I don’t know what I would have done if I had really been unable to play in the TBA. This league is my chance to be discovered by some big-time scout. It’s something I’ve been dreaming about my entire life. I absolutely cannot miss out on this opportunity. It could possibly make so many big things happen for me.

However, Radjan’s save didn’t make playing a done deal for me. I still need to pass the eligibility test. I sigh heavily as I open my book to get started. I shouldn’t have slacked off in school so hard these past few weeks. I’m so behind now that catching up seems impossible. In times like these, I really miss Anna and feel a pang of appreciation for all of the things she did for me.

Anna cared so much about my studies. She wasn’t the type of girlfriend who would do my work for me, she was the type that would help me actually learn. And she made that so fun. She had a way with words in which she would explain the most boring topics to me in ways that made them sound interesting and exciting. I smile to myself thinking about how cute she looked whenever she would go into a passionate lecture about history or science. The way her eyes would light up as she spoke. Anna was so smart. She could have ruled the world if she wanted to. My heart aches and I miss her so much that I don’t know what to do with myself.

I try to study, but after about five minutes I give up, grab my keys and head out the door.

***

“Another,” I say to the bartender, as I hand him my empty glass for the second time. He gives me a wry look, as if he knows I’m probably too young to be in here, but he refills my drink anyway. Most of us at school have fake IDs, and the staff here is pretty much aware of it, they just don’t care. I guess we have that in common because I also don’t care about anything tonight. I just miss Anna.

I’m halfway through my third drink when I hear my name.

“Daniel! Over here!”

The hairs on the back of my neck stand up. That sounded just like Anna when she would shout my name from the stands. I turn and look over to find that it isn’t Anna (of course it isn’t) but Isabel. She is waving at me from the door and making her way towards me, her friend Jenna trailing behind.

“There you are! I called you a few times and you didn’t answer,” says Isabel.

“What are you drinking?” Jenna asks, taking the glass out of my hand and taking a sip.

“Um, rude much?” I say, taking it back from her. “Get your own.”

“Chill, it was just one sip,” she says, rolling her eyes and scrunching up her face. “It was gross anyway. It tastes like an old man’s drink.”

“You’re gross, Janet,” I say grumpily, wiping her lipstick off my glass with a napkin.

“Um, my name is Jenna,” she says angrily, pointing a finger at me, “and—”

Isabel interrupts, putting a hand on Jenna’s arm, trying to deescalate the situation.

“How about a round of shots for all of us?” she says lightly, passing Jenna some cash. Jenna’s eyes light up at the thought of shots and she greedily takes the cash.

“That’s fine with me,” I say, downing the rest of my glass in one gulp.

“Great,” Jenna says, “I’ll be right back.”

“Take your time!” I exclaim sarcastically, happy to have her gone. She shoots me a look and walks off to the bar.

“You have annoying friends, Isabel,” I say, slurring. That long gulp I just took really took me from tipsy to drunk.

Isabel laughs hard. I like the way it sounds. “She isn’t that bad once you get to know her.”

“I’ll just take your word for it,” I grumble.

She takes a seat next to me, close enough so that I can smell her perfume. Anna’s perfume. God, I miss Anna.

“What’s wrong, Dan?” she says softly, rubbing my back. “You seem to be feeling some type of way tonight.”

“I just miss her…” I say, leaning into her and resting my head on her shoulder. I close my eyes and inhale her scent and for a moment it’s as if I’m right back in Anna’s arms. It feels so good to be back in Anna’s arms. She holds me like that for a few moments until Jenna comes back with a tray of shots.

“What’s his deal?” she asks Isabel.

I open my eyes, remembering where I am and who I am with. The dread of reality hits me and I immediately reach for a shot of tequila. I take shot after shot, trying my hardest to numb myself. I can distantly hear Jenna complain about how I am hogging all the drinks to myself, but I don’t care about sharing. I don’t care about anything. I just want to forget. Soon enough, I get my wish and the world becomes dark.

***

When I come to, I’m in the car. My car. But I’m not the one behind the wheel. The stereo blares out a familiar song, one I’ve heard a thousand times over the last year.

As for now I’m gonna hear the saddest songs,

And sit alone and wonder how you’re making out,

And as for me, I wish that I was anywhere, with anyone, making out….

Dashboard Confessional. Her favorite band. I smile to myself, at the familiarity of this moment. I look over at her with a grin on my face, knowing before even looking at her that she would be swaying to the music, lost in its rhythm. My vision is blurred and doubled, but sure enough I can make out the image of her dancing in her seat as she drives, humming softly to the tune.

“You’re so beautiful…” I slur.

She turns and smiles at me, “you’ve always been so sweet, Dan.”

I take her hand and hold it in mine, bringing it to my lips and kissing it over and over.

“I love you,” I say. “I’ve always loved you since the first day I met you.” I’m so drunk, but I mean every word of it.

“I’ve really always loved you, too, Dan,” she replies, her voice sweet like honey. “I’m really glad we’re doing this.”

“Me too,” I say, then feel a wave of nausea as we hit a speed bump. “I just wish I wasn’t so damn drunk.”

She laughs that glorious laugh of hers and I have to smile through my nausea. She’s always had a way of making everything so much better. School, sickness, me… I’m better when I’m with her.

“Don’t worry, it will pass,” she assures me.

I let myself rest through the rest of the short drive and when the car stops at her house, she comes around to the passenger side and hooks my arm around her shoulder, making herself my human crutch.

“I’m sorry for being such a drunk,” I mumble quietly, trying not to trip over my own feet as we make our way across the front lawn.

“It’s okay,” she says, with a light chuckle.

“You’re sure it’s okay if I come inside?” I ask her.

“Sure, it’s cool.” she replies. “There’s no one here but us.”

A few minutes later we are in her room, on her bed, lost in each other’s kiss. I can feel her hands running across my body, her lips kissing every inch of skin that she can reach. I kiss her back with just as much passion. She is so beautiful, so perfect.

My mouth travels from her lips to her neck when I realize something.

“Where is the necklace?” I ask.

She stops kissing me and looks at me for a moment, then laughs, “oh, I don’t wear real jewelry to bars. There’s too many sketchy people there.”

She pulls away from me, reaches into her sock drawer and pulls the locket out from a bundle of socks. I guess she keeps it hidden from where her dad might find it. Smart girl.

She hands me the locket then sits with her back to me, pushing her hair to one side to reveal her bare neck.

“Will you hook it for me?” she asks, in her sweetest voice.

It takes me a minute to hook it correctly in my drunken state, but I finally manage. She turns around to face me. I open the locket to our pictures and then look back up at her perfect face.

“Anna…”

I cradle her face in my hands and kiss her harder than I ever have before.

***

I wake up with a parched throat and a throbbing skull. When I open my eyes, I find myself in unfamiliar territory. Where am I?

Squinting in pain from the light pouring out of the windows, I gaze around the room. There are Dashboard Confessional posters up on the walls, like the ones I saw in…

Am I in Anna’s room?!

I sit up fast and immediately regret it, as it causes the pain in my head to worsen. I groan in pain as I clutch it. I hear a laugh and look up.

“Easy there, Dan.” Isabel stands at the doorway, holding a glass of water. “No sudden movements or you might get sick.”

She hands me the water, which I take gratefully and drink. It feels like heaven sliding down my dry throat.

“What the hell happened last night?” I ask. “Why am I here?”

Isabel raises her eyebrows at me. “You mean, you don’t remember?”

I stare at her blankly. Truthfully, no. I don’t remember anything. The last thing I can remember clearly is going to the bar and ordering one too many drinks. I have no recollection of ever coming across Isabel last night at all. My stomach churns with dread as I speak the next few words.

“What did I do?”

“It’s more like, what did we do…” she smirks with a suggestive look on her face.

My eyes widen in horror as I realize what she is hinting at. I look down at myself and notice that I am not wearing any clothes. Upon further examination of the room, I can see my shirt draped over a chair and my pants and boxers laying in a heap on the floor near the bed. Oh God! What have I done?!

“No!” I shout, without even really meaning to.

A hurt look crosses Isabel’s face as I scurry out of the bed, covering myself with a sheet and gathering my clothes.

“What’s wrong, Dan?” she asks.

“Everything!” I shout. “This was a mistake.”

“You weren’t acting like it was a mistake last night,” she says. “In fact, you told me you love me.”

I freeze in horror. She sees the look on my face and continues, “Not that it’s like, a big deal. I mean, I know you were just drunk. We both were.” She pauses, crossing her arms. “But like, you still said it.”

“Another mistake,” I say. “Do you mind turning around while I…?” I gesture to my clothes which makes her roll her eyes.

“Really?” she pouts. “It’s not like I didn’t see it all last night.”

“Isabel!” I say, with no hint of amusement in my voice whatsoever.

“Ugh, fine.” She turns her back to me and quickly start putting my clothes on. “I don’t know what the big deal is, Dan. It was just a hookup. Everyone does it.”

“Not everyone,” I say bitterly, thinking of Anna. I can literally feel my heart aching inside of my chest. “You can turn around now,” I say as I finish dressing.

She turns around and looks at me. “Seriously Dan, you’re totally overreacting right now.”

“I’ll see you at school, Isabel,” I say and leave, fighting the urge to vomit on my way out.

***

I spend the rest of the weekend feeling utterly disgusted with myself. Isabel texts me a few times, but I ignore. It’s not that I am angry with her, I am embarrassed and disappointed with myself. How could I do that to Anna? Even though she is dead and gone, I still feel loyal to her. How could I possibly hook up with another girl so soon after her death? As if she meant nothing. As if she’s so easy to get over.

Her killer hasn’t even been caught yet, and here I am getting wasted and hooking up with Isabel. I’m at least grateful that I don’t remember the actual dirty details of the hookup. If the knowledge that I did it makes me so upset, what more would memories do?

By Monday morning, I tell myself that it’s time I get over it. I have a big game to focus on and I can’t be so stuck on self-hatred and regret to ruin myself over something I don’t even remember doing. Coming to terms with it and forgiving myself means making good with Isabel too, so I approach her at her locker, ready to apologize for ignoring her all weekend.

“So, I guess I owe you an apology,” I say.

She closes her locker and turns to face me, crossing her arms, “that seems to be the trend with you lately,” she says.

I can tell by her voice that she isn’t really mad at me, which makes this easier and less awkward. I instantly appreciate her a lot more in this moment.

“I’m sorry for my reaction the other night,” I begin. “I didn’t remember hooking up with you and it caught me off guard waking up to that news. It’s nothing against you, Isabel. You’re really pretty and you’ve been very kind to me lately, it’s just that I’m not ready to move on from Anna yet.”

“It’s cool,” she says casually.

“Really?” I ask, in surprise.

“Yes, Dan,” she says, laughing. “Like I said before, it was just a hookup. It’s no big deal. I mean… it was a really good hookup,” she says, with a wink. “I won’t exactly turn you down if you wanted to do it again, but it’s also cool with me if you’re not ready.”

She smiles at me and I have to smile back in spite of myself.

“Thank you for being so understanding, Isabel,” I say.

“Don’t mention it,” she says.

“Will I see you at the game tomorrow?” I ask.

“Front and center, cheering you on like I always have,” she says, smiling. I give her a smile back and head off to practice.

***

It’s game day. Our school vs. Drakonas Academy, one of the toughest in our state. I mean, what more can you expect from a school named after dragons, right? Even their name is intimidating.

This school is the real deal. Some would even say they are legendary. We haven’t ever beaten them before, so there is a lot weighing on every single game against them. A lot to prove. I’m nervous, to say the least. This isn’t the ideal match up for my first game back since Anna died, but I am more than up for the challenge.

Their star player is a 6’11 giant named Evander Abreu, who, like his school, also has a reputation for being unbeatable. He also sort of looks like a dragon, and I say that with as much respect as I possibly can.

Our starting five consists of me, Dimitri, Lennard, Radjan, and Jason. Right off the bat, I feel rusty as hell and with every shot that I miss, I curse myself for missing so much practice over the past few weeks. I want to win badly, but I can’t shake the empty feeling I have inside of me, of knowing that for the first time since I’ve known her, Anna isn’t here to watch me play. I’m torn between my grief and wanting to win, so when our team falls behind, I take matters into my own hands and attempt as many shots as I can, unfortunately not making any of them.

“Get it together, Wade,” I whisper angrily to myself as I take another shot and miss. I try to ignore the angry looks from my teammates. Even Jason is shaking his head and shrugging at me in a silent ‘what the hell, bro?’ gesture. I know what they’re all thinking: that I should give Radjan the ball, but I know that I can do this. I’ve done it a million times before.

I dribble the ball, try to shake off my defender, but it is hard because he’s an inch taller than I am. I fade away, attempt another shot and miss. The crowd collectively groans and though I’ve tried to avoid looking in his direction, I can see coach’s red face fuming in anger. From the bench, I hear Shane shout something like, “Bench him! He’s not ready!” and I make a mental note to give Shane a piece of my mind later and concentrate on my game for now.

As the game goes on, I get more anxious to score. I can hear the crowd chanting Carpiniello’s name over and over and my anxiety turns to irritation. I may not have anything against the guy, he did me a solid and I won’t forget it, but this is my team. He’s only been here a few weeks! What is this crowd playing at?

I notice Radjan throwing a smile over his shoulder at the crowd, and I can’t help but look in the same direction. There’s an older man sitting there with a big sign that says “GO, RADJAN! WE LOVE YOU!” I can only assume that’s his father, sitting in for the whole family.

Radjan passes the ball to Jason, who passes the ball to me, I shoot and… let out an angry roar as I miss again.

By halftime we are at behind at 28-20 and coach is livid.

“What hell was that, Wade?” Coach screams during the huddle.

“I’m just warming up, Coach. I’ve been out of practice for a bit, but I’ve got this,” I say.

“I’m taking you off the game. Let your teammates run our offense. You don’t sabotage the entire game for everyone else! SIT DOWN!” he yells.

“But—” I start to say.

“Sit down, Wade,” he says, lowering his voice to a calm tone, but shooting me a glare that could kill. “If I have to say it one more time, I promise you it will the last time you’ll hear it for the rest of this season. Do you understand?”

“Yes, Sir,” I say bitterly and shuffle off to the bench.

How could this happen? Was Anna such a good luck charm that I just totally suck without her? I glance towards her usual spot only to see Isabel sitting in it, her face painted with my jersey number on it. She sees me looking, smiles and waves. I’m too upset to wave back.

Coach replaces with me Shane in the third quarter, much to my annoyance. I sit there and watch as Radjan takes total control of the game, making tons of points, stealing from opponents, and scoring a lot of fastbreak points. Thanks to his fast thinking and quick plays, our team catches up in no time. The crowd is going wild and while I feel a sharp pang of jealousy, I can see why they do. The guy really is as good as everyone said he was.

Before I know it, my bitterness mostly subsides, and I am as enthralled as the rest of the crowd watching from the sidelines. The game is so close. Dimitri looks like a lost puppy on court, small and lanky in comparison to Evander the giant, who is carrying the scoring torch for his team. Radjan may have the skill, but Evander has got muscle and at this point, it’s anybody’s ballgame.

During the last five minutes of the game, Coach finally decides to field me back in the game and I’m grateful for the opportunity to redeem myself. It’s still a seesaw battle between both teams, with Radjan keeping us afloat due to his near perfect aim, and Jason getting a lot of rebounds off the opponents’ misses. It seems like everyone except me is getting an opportunity to shine tonight. Who in their right mind would scout someone like me?

I shake my head at myself, then shake that thought off as well. No. I will not resign to just being a sucky player now. I am just a bit out of practice. I can do this. I can make my one big shot, if I only get the chance.

With 10 seconds left on the game clock, we are still trailing behind by a point at 71-70. The ball is in our possession, though. Coach calls one last timeout and we all group around him to listen to his final instruction.

“All right, this is it, boys,” he says. “We either make it or break it at this point. What we’re going to do is we are going to pass the ball to Radjan and let him take the final shot. Understood?”

There are murmurs of agreement throughout our team members. I don’t make a sound though. Radjan gets to make the final shot? While logically, I understand why this is the play that Coach chose to orchestrate right now, I can’t help but feel my bitterness creeping back in. Radjan meets my eye for about half a second and I can tell he knows what I’m thinking and feeling right now.

“Radjan, get the ball as early as you can and take that shot, son. The team is counting on you,” he says. Radjan nods in understanding just as the referee blows the whistle and we all shuffle our way back to the court.

The game resumes and Radjan takes possession of the ball. He successfully eludes his two defenders with a quick one-two step. He drives to the basket with a lightning speed, and for a moment, I am certain he is going to attempt a layup as Evander moves toward him to try and block his final attempt. If Radjan misses the attempt or loses the ball, Drakonas will win.

This feels like the longest ten seconds of my life. The whole gym is quiet, as if waiting for Radjan to finally take the shot, but much to everyone’s surprise including myself, at one second left in the clock, he passes the ball right over to me and there is nothing left for me to do but take a wide-open jumper just as the final buzzer sounds. My shot bounces off the rim for a thrilling second before it decides to go in. I did it! I made the game-winning shot after missing so many others all game long. I only scored two points overall (I usually average 20 or more), but it was the most crucial two points in the entire game.

The final score is 72-71. I can’t believe it. We did it. We actually beat Drakonas Academy.

I stand there in total shock as the crowd goes wild and the team runs over and gathers around me in excitement and celebration. Isabel runs over from the crowd, screaming, “Oh my god, Daniel, you were amazing!” and throws her arms around me. Almost robotically through my shock, I hug her back.

The reality of the moment finally sinks in and for the first time since Anna died, I feel a genuine smile spread across my face.

***

Everyone is in a fantastic mood at the team party, including me. I’m actually drinking to relax and enjoy myself, not to drown in my sorrows. It’s something I wasn’t sure I’d ever be able to do again: simply enjoy myself.

As I relax with my friends and teammates, I realize maybe there is some happiness left in store for me. It will always hurt to think of Anna, to think of how a girl so full of life could die in such an untimely fashion. But does her death mean that I have to stop living too? I don’t think that is what Anna would want for me.

Anna was the one person in my life who would always push for me to try new things. An obscure band, a strange food, a quirky new hobby. She was the kind of the girl who knew that life was what you made of it and she didn’t believe in boredom, or simply doing nothing with life, because she felt there was just so much to do and try in the world. If I stopped living because she was gone, it would be like spitting on her grave.

I glance over at Isabel who is sipping her drink and chatting with a few friends, still wearing my number on her face. She catches me looking and smiles warmly. For the first time, I find myself wondering if it would be so bad to try and move on.

No one could ever replace Anna. She will always be my one true love. But maybe Isabel is worth a shot. She’s pretty and she’s fun. She is patient and kind. God knows I’ve been a jerk to her more than a few times lately, but she is always just there, offering her help and support to me whenever I need it. Maybe it’s time for me to move on.

As if she could read my mind, Isabel departs from her group of friends and makes her way over to me.

“You’re sure looking pensive for a guy who just scored the winning shot,” she teases.

“Maybe I’ve just got my winning shot on replay in my head over and over,” I joke, sipping my drink.

She laughs. “Yeah, well, I’m not going to lie, Dan, it’s been replaying in my head too,” she looks up at me and bites her lip. “You looked really sexy making that shot.”

“You think so?” I ask, throwing her a flirty smile.

“Absolutely,” she replies.

“Well, why don’t we get out of here and you can tell me more about that?” I say, and her smile lights up the entire room.

I take a moment to say goodbye to my friends and look around for Radjan. I thought that maybe he left, but I finally spot him over by the food table. I go over, give him a quick fist bump and then I take Isabel’s hand we leave.

***