Chapter 117: Chapter 117

Chapter 117

I thought about moving into my own house. I want to live in my own house. I feel like I can't go back to my own room in the mansion. Maybe I just remember everything that happened. Maybe everything will come back to my mind and maybe the bait I felt will come back.

It's been six months since I lived here in my own house. It's a bit far from the mansion but I have a car, so I can still visit the house.

Ever since I lived here, even when I was alone, I felt like something was missing in my personality. I feel like my eyes are searching for something I can’t find.

Well 2 years ago. I feel like I want to go back home and live there again. I don’t want to be alone in a big house. I can't even talk about it. When I’m bored, I have no choice but to just watch TV.

I have not been able to re -enter my old room in the mansion since I came home. Here I go straight after our dinner. The place and the house are refreshing. I was not used to being alone even though I was alone in America. I feel like there's always something missing in me that I don't know what it is.

Today is Monday. I want to go back to my old room, so I will go back home and live there again.

As I planned, I left. I was able to pack some clothes as well. I'm on my way.

The gate opened automatically. It's automatic and you don't need guards to open the gate.

Mommy Yuna greeted me. Mommy Sheraine and Daddy are gone yet.

"Welcome home," she said and kissed me on the cheek.

"Can I just live here again?" I asked almost laughing at her.

"Of course. You're free here. You don't have to ask for permission, Shey,” she said. "I'll take your things," she added and took the suitcase. "I'll take you to your room first so you can rest."

"Thank you, Mommy."

Like she said, she led me to my room. I was just at the door, as if my chest suddenly tightened. I just ignored how I felt.

“I will take it inside. I can do it.”

“All right. I'll just bring you something to eat later, huh? ”

"All right, Mommy."

I took the suitcase and pulled it into my room then I closed the door. I locked the door.

I just stood with the suitcase next to me. I stood in the doorway as if I had suddenly stopped.

From where I stood, everything and how I cried in this room came back to my mind.

The day I was left alone became fresh in my mind.

Here I am again, I thought I had escaped before.

I was wrong. It's only in this room that I realize that I'm not really okay yet. I was happy for a while but now I feel like I'm back to normal.

I remember Neil again. It's not new because he's always in my mind.

Can I try to love again? Will I forget him if I fall in love again?

How is he? And how am I doing? We haven't seen each other in two years.

Maybe he was already in another country. In fact, I haven't liked going out of the house since I came home. I'm always indoors and doing things just to entertain myself. When I'm not at home, I'm at the grocery store or I'm at the mall. I am often here to visit Mommy Yuna.

I will admit that I miss Neil. But I'm okay, maybe. Maybe I'm okay or maybe I'm still not. Maybe I've only been okay for a while but the truth is, I'm not totally okay yet.

I've moved on. Sure. Have I really moved on? Or am I just telling myself that I’ve moved on just so I don’t get buried in yesterday?

I am now happy. I was happy for a while, but I don't know if I'm feeling happy now. In these moments, I feel like I’m back to normal. I feel like my chest is tightening again. I feel like there’s something missing in me that I can’t find.

Is Neil missing me? Until now do I still hope he comes back? If he had come back, he would have done it before.

Two years ago. I'm 20 years old now and he's turning 21 this coming February.

Long time no see. It's been a long time but I feel like I'm still here. I still feel what I felt then that I shouldn’t feel now.

I was supposed to be okay but am I okay? Now I can no longer answer the question of whether I am okay or not. Maybe yes, I’m okay. Maybe not, I’m not okay but I have to be okay.

If there is another choice, I will choose another. I wouldn’t choose to insist on being okay.

I'm wondering where he is now. Where is he studying? If he was studying in America then, why didn’t I see him?

Maybe he's still busy in his business until now, so maybe he hasn't had a chance to come back to me. I am not assuming but I feel like he wants to come back to me.

Please slap me if I am getting too delusional to think he wants to come back to me.

I'm just saying that maybe he's too busy, so he doesn't have time for anything else. But he must have had time for me. Haha. By the way. I don't have to think about whether he has time or not because we've been done for a long time.

If you think about it, we would have been 2 years on his birthday if he hadn't just left me. It’s tiring to say that until now, it wasn’t all clear to me why he had to leave me.

He released the two of us.

I shouldn’t be thinking about these things anymore

but why is it still here until now? There are still a lot of questions in my mind that I can’t answer?

But I accept that. I accept that he really left me.

I don't understand my heart why I'm still waiting for him. Maybe when I find out that he loves someone else, I might not wait for him anymore.

He hurt me but why do I still love him until now? He has crushed me a few times but I still love him to this day.

I admit that. I admitted to myself that to this day... I still love him. It's true. Will I still deny myself the truth? Do I still have to deceive myself?

Call me crazy but I still love him. I can't force myself to tell myself that I don't love him anymore even though I know in myself that I still love him. I still feel to this day that he is still here in my heart, he has never disappeared.

I insisted. I tried to lose my love for him but I couldn’t. Every time I look for him, my feelings get stronger.

He broke my heart and my world almost collapsed, but despite everything, he is still here. I still hope he comes back even two years ago. I have also been waiting two years.

He will come back and we will start again.

Will we ever meet again? Maybe when I see him, I'll see that he's with another woman. I don’t know how I will feel when I see him with his new girlfriend.

Maybe he forgot about me. Maybe he has already found another woman to replace me that his parents will like.

Sometimes, it haunts my mind that if our parents hadn't objected, we would still be together.

Yes, he said he didn’t love me but my heart didn’t believe what he said. I keep saying that I felt how he loved me then. I just don't know if he still loves me until now because I, yes, I still love him.

Wait!

I feel heavy.

I can't understand why my heart and mind are still full of him.

Is this the right time to forget him? Is this the right time for me to love again? To love another man but not Neil.

How do I love again if he is still the one I love to this day. I couldn’t get him out of my heart. I had done everything I could to lose my love for him but my love for him deepened even more. It's just getting stronger everyday and even now he's gone. Even though he left me 2 years ago, he is still here.

I tried my best to forget him but I was looking for him even more.

What should I do? Should I look for him? What if I can find him but he already has someone else? What should I do?

I don't want my heart to fail again because my heart really hopes that he will come back to me if he really loves me.

He loves me. I feel that and I know that.

I returned to my trance with a knock. I barely turned my head as I stood in front of the window.

It's raining again now and it's nice to watch how the rain falls on the ground especially because the surroundings are quiet and only the rain can be heard.

As far as I can remember, Neil’s birthday is tomorrow. February 26 is his birthday. I still remember the exact date when I answered him. It’s fun to think that I still remember him dancing with me in front of a lot of people and he introduced me to his family right on his birthday.

All the memories of Neil and me are still in my mind. I accepted that we were done but the memory of us remained in my heart. Even though he didn't stay, our memories stayed with me.

Sometimes, I wonder if he can still remember everything or maybe he has buried everything in oblivion.

Again, I was back in my trance when it thundered. Not too weak and not too strong.

The sound was just moderate to awaken my spirit.

I walked towards the door and opened it. Bria was the one knocking earlier.

“It’s cold today. Do you want a cup of coffee? ” she asked.

Coffee?

I think back to the last day I drank coffee here in this place, at the coffee shop. That was the day Neil chose to just end our relationship instead of fighting the relationship we had both had before.

I remember them because of Bria's question.

I remember Neil and I often went to the Coffee shop whenever it rained. That was the last day I went to the coffee shop.

"Pershey."

My spirit awoke when she called me.

I remember what she asked.

"Coffee?" I asked.

“Yeah. Do you want some coffee? ”

I shook my head and smiled afterwards, saying, “No need. I'm going to Coffee shop. ”

“Okay. Take care. ”

She left and I closed the door again. I sighed deeply.

Why it seems like there is something heavy? It seemed even heavier in the pouring rain.

I'm okay, aren't I? But why does something seem to pierce my heart. It skipped a beat. It was as if my chest was suddenly hurting and I didn't know why.

I don’t really know why or am I just saying that I don’t know even though I already know what the reason is.