Chapter 44: Chapter 44

FOURTY FOUR - HURT?

"Let's break up" I didn't even realize, that was me speaking until the words rolled off my tongue in one breath.one measly breath

Crap!

Crappy!!

Crappiest!!!

I've spent all 12hours since that evening,curled up in my room, trying to assure myself that I did the right thing and I made the right choice. but, looking into those brown eyes of his which bored into mine with determination, hurt, defeat, love.

Those eyes made every part of me being go weak and overwhelm with fear which sent shuddering shivers run through me at the thought of letting go at the one person who my heart had learned to love...this was heartbreaking as much as disheartening.my mind wouldn't stop flashing back to yesterday's..the joy I felt after his confession in front of the whole freaking school and then somehow my traitorous mind found a way to wove me back to the thought that we had to break-up.

Yesterday was perhaps nostalgic but the sad part of it had been more domineering. I had sprinted off like a cheetahs hunting for it's prey. I felt a painful, hurtful, sad string pull me by my chest and as much as I wanted to yell out aloud and cry out my eyes of how hard it was to bear, it was as though I had suddenly become immune to tears..tears that refused to spill yet had me clutching at my chest like I wanted to rip it all out.

I felt all as though I couldn't breath, couldn't shout, couldn't cry out not even when the air felt stuffy,God!!was this how it felt to be heartbroken; broken into a million pieces as though you just watched your world crumble right in front of you and you could do nothing to save it?

The shrill cry of my ringtone snapped me out of my miserable reverie. I stared at the caller ID which was no other than dozie's name gracing my phone screen. This had to be the 100th time he was calling and the 100th time I was declining his call.

Sometimes I just had to wonder if the telecommunication services wouldn't cut off his contact for relentlessly calling a contact that wouldn't budge a reply, but I guess they really had no business with that anyway.

I stared longingly at the contact-you did the right thing meera..you made the right choice...sonner he'd realize why you did it...this is the best thing to do right now...this was what I kept chanting to myself repeatedly as my fingers trailed it's way to the contact, long pressing it untill I finally clicked the button,

Delete.

Taking a deep sigh, I switched off my phone and drew the blankets over my head to bury myself into my sad world.

~~~~~~

The brown mahogany door swung open,revealing a sullen looking sandwich and flanking behind her were the sad faces of sola and sophie making their way towards my bedside

"Aww...baby girl! We're probably the worst girlfriends right now for not coming right away" sandwich cried out, pulling me into a bear hug with sophie and sola

I gave them a smug smile which they obviously won't see since I had my back to their shoulders and vice versa. It wasn't really their fault cause I could remember locking my door shut yesterday and not coming out until today when I needed a glass of water

"Uju told us you never really came out of your room since yesterday" Sandwich said gloomy

"I came out to get a glass of water actually! "I pointed out trying to liven the gloom air hanging around me

"My poor baby.."sophie wailed as she stared as she at me contrite expression before pulling me into another hug "just yesterday you two were the best couple and today you two broke up" she continued

"Umm..they actually broke up yesterday"sola corrected and from the coner of my eyes, I could see sandwich shooting her fire and ice with her eyes

"this is totally messed up"Sophie continued as she sniffed back a sob

"You guys.." i let my voice trail off as I stared at the girls gratefully

They really didn't need to do this..I know they too felt bad for dozie and I but it's still for a better cause..

Or so I told myself.

"I know this is hard meera..considering what you two are going through..I've never had a heartbreak before and seeing the way you handle yours actually scares me cause I don't think I'm as strong as you..but whatever it is I know it's all for the best.okay?" Sola said engulfing me into a tight hug again

I nodded behind her..contrary to what she thought, I didn't think I was as strong as she said because I was literally shattering in pieces and I was still under of facade that I could hold it in when I'm on the verge of losing my mind.

"It's okay huni..we're still here and we aren't leaving anytime soon okay? We'll still be together as one tight bond okay?"Sandwich said and I smiled though gloomy

And more hugs

More comfort

More hugs again, before the girls did a sleepover over in my room, lick a whole bucket of ice cream cos it's soothing according to sophie and later on make me watch Locke key..sandwich suggested the movie because she said "keep away from romance movie for now..better watch something that will spike your blood pressure in a good way"

That was the lamest thing I've ever heard yet it made me smile abit

"And how is a mystery, thriller movie going to do you any good? "Sola had asked

"Well, just when you watch it while munching on a huge pack of cheeseballs" she added in a duh that got sola rolling her eyes and sophie laughing like a maniac

"Meera..are you sure you don't want to talk to dozie? He's been calling me non-stop cos he wants to speak with you." Sola suddenly asks

All three of them were giving me expectant looks and when I muttered a "no" they sank their shoulders in resignation expect sophie who probed

"But..maybe speak with him one last time before he leaves.."she said with a pleading tone

"No..it won't change anything..."I said flatly

"But..you can't tell..."

"Sophie! Just drop it" sandwich interrupted, throwing a glance at me

" but..."

"Sophie!!!" This time sola and sandwich said simultaneously and I mentally thanked them graciously

"Fine! "Sophie said after huffs of protest.

*******

few days after my girlfriends left, I had Ayo constantly checking up on me, then Adam and priye but not dozie...I really didn't want to get reminded about him and feel the pains of realizing that he still was going to leave..

My door creaked open, I raised up my head up to get a glimpse of Uju walking unsteadily into the room.I didn't spare her a word, not like I've spoken much to any of my family members after I found out about my dad.

I was tad a bit suprised when she had her hands stretched out towards me, handing me a hot plate of jollof rice and roast fish.

Delicious. But what's the occasion?

I looked up at Uju with an inquisitive stare which made her chuckle lightly.

"Eat! You barely have something in your stomach except when your friends come here" she said softly

"Do you feel guilty about something?" I scoffed in reply not taking the food from her.

She shrugged "we're worried Meera..ever since that day, mum had been been feeling so bad, even kelechi and I..I'm sorry we should't have kept the truth from you and I shouldn't have said those things to you.." she whimpered apologetically

"I've heard you" I said curtly. She sucked in a deep breath, planting herself beside me

"You've been a whole lot withdrawn lately...I noticed that after your social night at school..do you want to talk about it?"she asked slowly

"No.and thanks for noticing" I said sharply

She rested her head on my pillow, giving me a long stare before she said again "go ahead and eat meera"

The cold silence enveloping the room wasn't the best one for someone trying to get away from her trail of thoughts..I eyed the food and drew my glance back at Uju who was typing away something on her phone.she really shouldn't have brought the food cause right now I wasn't feeling hungry...poor food! It'd be a waste to throw it out and I didn't want to waste any emotions on the food so I quietly slipped back into my blanket to curl myself up again

"I know this isn't the best thing you want to hear right now," she spoke up again

"But I just wonder if you already found out that dad killed your boyfriend's mum...accidentally..." she said hesitantly and that alone spiked my whole being to a halt

What?!

"What did you just say?"i asked in a strangled notch as her eyes flew wide in realisation

"Oh shit!..you didn't know?!..gosh.I shouldn't have.." she trailed off, I gave her a hard look before stomping away..

*****

I didn't know how and when I got to the white mansion towering over my little frame compared to it untill I repeatedly rang the door bell untill the door flew open revealing dozie standing haggardly with huge eyebags wearing themselves beneath his eyes from lack of sleep.his eyes immediately shone in excitment and astonishment as soon as they landed on me

"Chin chin..."he breathed out as though he was though he was seeing a hazy vision

I sucked in a sharp breath, trying to compose myself..wtf was I actually doing here?

I had no idea..but standing here, gazing at him made me want to ram my body into his and hug...you two have broken up remember? - a small annonying voice nudged my senses

"Can..can..I talk...with you..outside..for sometime?"I stuttered hopelessly

He gave me a long look, confusion, excitement and happiness all etched on his facial expression.

I wonder what his expression will be like after I had told him that my dad was the drunken driver who killed his mum..maybe anger, sadness, and resentment

And maybe he'd see part of reason to really break up with me

We settled on a stony park chair, inches apart and me not daring to look at him..the air was silent for sometime except the sound of evening birds chirping their way back to their nest and cars hooting horns from a safe distance of the main road

"I missed you" he said softly, a small shiver came cascading through me..I missed him too, a whole damn lot but then I couldn't help asking if he'd miss me after i tell him about this ugly information?

So instead I replied "I'm sorry"

Okay that wasn't the words that I thought were going to spill out first but then they spurted out and a the air around us all seemed silent, waiting for our next line of action.

"You..you..are?"he fumbled with the words

He was misinterpreting my 'sorry' because he kept giving me a puzzled look, waiting for me to clarify and elaborate.

That, which I had to muster all the remaining courage in me before I spoke out

"I mean..I'm sorry cause I just learnt about what my dad did to your mum..saying sorry isn't going to fix what already happened and...I don't even know what to do cause I'm too ashamed to even look at you right now..." I trailed off, trying to fight back the tears that were threatening to break into my apology

"Hmm" he said simply

And what a simple reply? I knew this was too much to bear, I felt so miserable right now, so miserable that i knew soon enough I could crumble..crumble in pain and anguish

"I'm sorry dozie for what my dad did!! Please do find it in your heart to forgive him..I'm only just finding out about this and I swear.."

"Stop swearing!" He cut in, halting my apologetic ramble

"What did you say?!" I asked in half a whisper

"I already knew about it.." he paused and that minute my eyes flew wide open in shock as I snap my gaze at him

"You what?!"

" I knew..and I forgive him too." He said as though it was a casual statement

My sorry expression immediately taking a 360turn as I glared angrily at him

"How long did you know?"

"Before we started our waec" he replied like he was confessing something to a priest.

Maybe he was confessing to me only difference was that, i wasn't a priest

"What didn't you bother to tell me?! How could you?? Did you really have to keep things from me?!" I yelled right back at him,jumping on my ten toes like I just stepped on a hot iron while resisting the urge to smack his face and possibly his senses.

"There was no need to meera..I already forgave your dad, he's the one who made the mistake not you and it really wasn't going to do us any good in clinging unto that so I didn't bother to tell you" he explained

still glaring at him "you..you really can't be serious are you? "I ask in disbelief

"I'm dead serious meera..I am" he said gently slowly wrapping his hands around my wrist and pulling me back to seat beside him

"Why?" I asked quietly. A warm feeling surging through me as I felt his arm still wrapped around my wrist.firmly yet gently.

"Did you really have to ask that?"he replied in a quiet tone

A small humorless chuckle escaped my lips as I shrugged "i really should..now I look at it,I feel like a bad person'round you" I said truthfully

He sighed deeply, pulling me into a calm hug against his chest..you two have broken up remember?? He shouldn't hold you so closely like that.

He shouldn't let you feel all those tingly feelings anymore

You should stay away - the small weasly voice in my head kept eerily chanting

I made to pull away when he held me firmly again "don't.." he whispered softly in my ears making my adrenaline race erratically,I gulped.

"I know we've broken up or rather you broke up with me " he said the last part in a low painful whisper which I was quick to grab

"I did it so you can focus on your dream,dozie." I said honestly "I also want to study music cause that's my dream..and I'm not going to ruin yours just so you could be with me.."

"You always wanted to do visual arts before I came into the picture and I can't let you give it up for me" I said

He ran his hands through my hair "you were going to go ahead and do this for me and you still think you're a bad person?" He asked

I grimaced "can't help thinking that I am..especially when i think my dad is the reason why you don't have a m.."

He placed his index fingers on my lips "let's forget about it alright" he said calmly and I found my head nodding against my order to his words.

A part of me wished it wasn't his index finger that were placed on my lips but his lips.....banish that thought meera!!! You guys have broken up - the stupid small voice in my head wouldn't fail to remind me

"You should never think of yourself as a bad person meera..esp when the mistakes made weren't caused by you.." he said and again I was nodding my head in agreement

He strechted out his hands, handing me a small neatly wrapped package "what's this?"I managed to ask

"You can open it and see" he said delicately

I resisted the urge to rip the present open because he was still here and when I finally got it open, I raised my eyebrows.

"A book?"

"Open it" he commanded and I did as my mouth dropped open.staring at perfectly drawn art, was me, he had drawn me and damn! It was perfect,I flipped through more and more pages and my eyeballs couldn't help but budge out in awe..

"This is beautiful..." I exclaimed, a small smile stretched on his face

"Do you like it?" He asked and i shot him a glare.

A playful glare.

"I love it..it's perfect" I cried out in ecstasy

" you really don't know how much you inspire me meera..your whole existence" he said, a painful tug hit my chest as I realized that he'd be leaving.

I quickly got to my feet, stretching the book back at him "keep it"

"It's for you" he said calmly

"You said I inspire you..you should hold onto this" I said and a smirk suddenly grew at the corners of his lips

"I should hold onto that?!"he asked quite amused as I stared at him in confusion

"What's funny?"

" cause I'm going to hold onto what you just said now..Meera.." he stood up, boring his hazel eyes into mine "I'm going to hold onto that" he said

I smiled "yes hold onto the book"

He tsked, "still the dense meera Johnson" he said smirking and I growl at him

"Shut up!"

"You really should keep that.trust me I have a load of your drawing with me..they could form an entire art gallery" he announced proudly

This time it was my turn to tsk "stalker and perverted dozie mattew"

He broke into a round of cheerful laugh "I'm not stalking...you're a work of art I couldn't dare ignore"

His compliment made me feel like I was soaring..God! Did he really have to go? A streak of tear made it's way down my cheeks.

I quickly wiped them away as I mustered a smile at him..

"I'll love to hear you sing again meera.." he said quietly

"Are you asking me to sing for you?"I asked smirking and he huffed, playfully ruffling my hair

"Stop being coy!"

"Say the magic word and I will" I demanded and after much bantering, I ended up singing helplessly -tatiana manaois and him pressing a long deep kiss on my forehead

soon,we feel into a comfortable silence

"I'll miss you...everything about you, your voice, your laughter, your glare..your attitude heck!" he said quietly..a sad smile etched on his face

"Me too..I will miss you" I said sadly bringing my gaze to stared deeply at his.

"I'll miss you more" he said in a pouty look making me chuckle

"I'll miss you more and more.."

"I'll miss this!"he said placing a tender kiss on my forehead

"And then this" he placed it on the bridge of my nose

"And then..."his stopped short, bringing his eyes to drill holesinto mine,I felt my knees go weak and my legs wobble as excitement rushed through me, I etched futher. Staring right into his eyes, ignoring those stupid small voices knowing this was probably the last time I'll see him, hear him laugh, hear him goof around, see him make those pouty faces, hear him call me the ridiculous nick name, feel his touch..I crashed my lips on his, ignoring my trail of thoughts.

Cause of course, the last time i was going to feel his lips on mine...

That night, I cried..I cried and cried, letting out the pent up emotions as I reminisced our last time spent together, I cried cause I never knew loving someone and letting them go could hurt this much..I cried with the hope that someday in future we would meet again.