Chapter 10: Chapter 10

"It is Monday. Mondays have come before, countless mondays and they were all spent with you.

I walk alone,clutching my bag. I do not have a 'baby drink' that annoys you in this bag. I'm not even wearing a big polo you hate. I'm dressed in a black jean trouser and a fitted ash polo.

You see, I have changed alot but I know you are still the same. That's where I hurt, remembering how caring yet carefree you were. I remember your authoritative self and your scolding. I miss you. I will not deny that.

I just think about us before and I think about the past days. I know that we can never be the same again. I will be trying so hard not to 'depend' on you and you will be trying so hard not to complain when I do. Won't our friendship be fake then?

I decided I'm ready for this phase where you become someone I used to be close to, but I really thought we were family. Still, I'm ready to greet you when we pass coincidentally on the walkway. I'm ready to call you once in a while just to know how you are doing. Could this be us, would you be happy? I don't know if I would be happy but it's not about me. I have been the selfish one all along.

Can we forget and move on as if nothing happened, is it possible? Do you think this rift between us could be mended? Do you think maybe you could cross over to my side or I can cross over? In understanding, do you think there's a way we could adapt better? I do not know. I do not know really how to accept that you have been uncomfortable with me for a while and you just kept quiet. I do not know really if I would get over this but I'm trying.

I guess this has taught me that I could depend on myself because I would not complain. We're fractured so we could take a long time to heal, but we might heal at last."

It was Monday actually but I wrote that letter for Nellie three days ago when my emotions strongly subdued me. I tore the letter and threw it into a waste bin. I was wearing a jean and a shirt not with sneakers but with a flat suede shoe. There was still time by the time I finished dressing up so I played music to pass time. I did not want to go too early.

I was still among the first persons to arrive after wasting time. There were only three people there when I arrived. I got a seat at the third bench and settled in. I plugged in my ear piece and let Sia's 'Suitcase' play.

Tony's thought crossed my mind with annoyance. It was in those seminars that I was told, a relationship was sweeter at the beginning. I did not if it was just me that concluded that a relationship was the next thing that happened after a kiss. Whatever it was that Tony and I were doing, it could not be sweet. It was bitter.

Students began to flood the hall. They filled in the seats at the back leaving the two benches at the front of each row. So somehow, even without sitting at the first bench, I was still at the front row.

I placed my head on the desk, waiting till the speaker came. I thought of Nellie. We had not spoken since I left her birthday. She was able to hold her birthday without me even though I was the one that managed in the past. I could be easily waved off as dispensable.

I had a lot of things to tell her. Most times, I wanted to just text her or video call her especially since after the kiss. I wanted to share the story with someone. It was all too much to keep to myself. So many things had happened to me and I just kept them to myself. They were too much.

I felt a tap on my arm and I raised my head to see Tony. I unplugged my earpiece and stared at him.

What, don't you know your mother's kitchen?

"Is someone here? " he asked, pointing to the space beside me.

"No," I replied, stiffly shifting in for him to sit.

"Sleep well? " he asked.

I nodded without looking at him. He reached for my hand and released it after he left a piece in it. I opened the paper: "I'm sorry."

"I must have messed up yesterday," he said after I folded back the paper. "Please let me make it up to you."

Michelle entered immediately. She was dressed in a red palazzo and a nude blouse that fitted her like it was made just for her. She dropped her bag on the front bench and attended to a quick call before returning.

She managed to achieve getting a  silent hall then she began to speak.

"...and we listen to what people say. Their thoughts and reasoning now guide our speech and relationship."

She paused and looked around the hall then continued to speak.

"I have said this a lot of times and I would say it again. Do not let others put you under pressure. Everyone is entitled to their own opinions and that doesn't mean you should agree with them.

A relationship is just two people. So between the both of you, you work things out. Do not allow a third party that does not know what you guys have been through to lecture you on why you should stay or not."

I let go of the things Linda told me. I told myself, if I could not ask Nellie about it, then it was non-existent.

She moved slowly to the middle of the class in silence, watching the faces of everyone in the hall. We were all quiet, also watching her.

"Relationship is about maturity. If you are not mature enough, I don't think relationship is for you yet. There will be a whole new level of responsibility, loyalty and commitment. It takes only a mature mind to understand all these."

I wondered then, if I was ready for the responsibility and what sort of responsibility? Even Tony that was sitting beside me, was he mature enough? I also wondered if I was ready to give my all again to someone. Won't I come off as clingy?

"I'm entertaining questions today," Michelle announced. She leaned on the wall beside the black classroom board and waited. Voices arose in murmurs then hands shot up.

She numbered them. "Twelve hands up. Twelve questions."

"If you are in a relationship with someone that doesn't value the same things you value, you talk about it but there's no change. At what point should one leave the relationship?"

Voices rose like they wanted to answer the question, disregarding the speaker. Without a word, Michelle looked at them until they kept quiet.

"This is Nigeria, not Russia. Don't rush into a relationship. When you are not in a hurry, you should pay attention to details, you will know if your potential partner's interests or value match with your own."

Michelle laughed as she continued. " I think the mistake most young and old people make is to get into a relationship, hoping to change their partner. That's very unfair to yourself. From the first day of the relationship, you would be tolerating."

I looked away to the door and saw Nellie. She smiled, waving at me and I returned her greeting.

"I really don't know at what point you should break up with someone you were trying to change," She said. " I'll say, don't start it in the first place."

" Don't misunderstand me. You are a nonsmoker and you meet a smoker. You can try to change the person as a friend but until that change happens, do not involve your heart."

The session came to an end earlier than other days. I sat back with Tony as the class was still rowdy. Most people went to the front to take pictures with the speaker and who wouldn't love that ? She was a hot speaker.

"How are you doing? " I asked, turning to Tony.

"I'm doing great."

There was silence as he took out his phone and began to scroll through. I plugged in my earpiece, watching how people dragged Michelle up and down.

"What are you doing later today ?" he asked.

I pretended not to hear him.

He moved and took my hand in his, intertwining our fingers. He seemed to sweat on his palms because it was wet. I loved the feel of his cool palm against mine. I looked at him briefly then retrieved my hand. He smiled.

"Are you busy later? I want us to go eat somewhere," he said.

So I would be abandoned at a table again?

"I would be busy."

He sighed but did not push it. Not just about that night at the poolside but the fact that I was not ready to jump on a fast train that might not make it to its destination. I did not want to be in a hurry for anything.

I followed the other outlet of the bench and walked to the front where Michelle still stood.

"Hey," I greeted while she arranged her bag. Her fans had finally let her be.

"How are you, love?" she asked, smiling sweetly.

"I'm okay," I replied, returning the smile. Tony was then beside me.

"Good to know. Today's last day of class but here," she said, giving me her card. "Call me anytime."

"I will. Thank you."

Unexpectedly, she opened her arms for a hug. I tried to hide my surprise as I hugged her back.

"Are you done here, I'm waiting in the car," she said, turning to Tony. She squeezed my hand before she walked off.

"I have to go now. I came out with my brother's car and I need to drop Michelle at home," He explained, apologetically.

I nodded with a smile, the type I loved to keep on my face recently. It did not reach my eyes. It just ended with my lips.

"I will call you later so we can eat out," he said, quickly hugging me, then he walked away.

I shook my head in disbelief. I thought I gave a negative earlier? Maybe I did not sound as certain as I should.

Outside, I met Nellie. She was leaning on the wall just outside my class dressed like a banker as usual. I was hoping to see her really.

"You look good, " She commented once she saw me.

"Thank you," I replied, folding my arms.

"Kamsi, I loved the gifts. I love the teddy and those cartoons were just funny. What do you take me for? " She asked, laughing.

I joined her in laughter knowing how absurd it was to get her a cartoon and toys. Her eyes were totally lost inside as she laughed. I was sure I missed that. I missed her.

"Are you walking home? " I asked  when we had stopped laughing.

"No. Do you want to walk? " she replied.

"It's fine though. Just asking."

"Shut up, let's go," and she was holding my hand or rather pulling me out of the building.

There we were again just like we used to be but I was the one with the secrets now. The secrets reached the peak of my vault and threatened to spill out.