Chapter 51: Chapter 51

"When we're done here, we'll talk more and send you a full letter, but we're very interested in your research, Julianna." Doctor Carlton says something, and I smile. For the first time since I started working on my presentation, I can feel the stress leaving my back. "We're going to go ahead with your project, and we're looking forward to your next presentation in the new year."

"Thanks, and I'm glad you like it." I walk forward, smile, and shake each of their hands. "And I really appreciate your time today."

"Of course." He says this with a smile. "We want to thank you for being so prepared and working through the technical problems. It's clear that this was important to you."

I tell him, "It was...important it's to me," and he smiles and nods his head. "Thank you for being there for me during the change."

"Of course, Julianna, have a good day and let me know if you have any questions." He says this, and I quickly start to get my papers and laptop together. As I rush out of the room, I smile and wave briefly. They wave back.

I get a big smile on my face because I finally feel like I've done more than just go to school. I was making people think for themselves.

I took out my phone to call my mom because I knew she would be so excited to hear about it. I'd been in that room for almost 45 minutes, and I hadn't slept much last night. I was getting hungry, and as I scrolled through my phone to find my mom's number, I could feel my stomach growling.

"Julianna?" I hear something, and when I turn around, I see Doctor Binkley coming out of the theater. She smiles at me big, and I smile back, feeling happy. "You did so well, I was so proud of you." I smile when she says something nice.

Doctor Binkley was in her forties, and she had been at Brown for a long time. She was great at being a mentor in college, and I was lucky that she cared so much about me and my work.

"I'm glad, because I was worried all weekend and this morning. I was so scared and didn't know what would happen." I tell her, and her smile makes me feel better.

People talked about how good your work was after you left, and you were creative with your papers and plan B. I'm so happy with how well you did." She says something, and I smile and feel glad.

It meant a lot to me that someone so nice and whose opinion I valued so much told me she was proud of me. I was moved by how much she wanted me to do well.

"Hey, I was emailing a friend at Northwestern who has a great program about ancient cultures and their ways of life." As she looks through her briefcase, she says. I was thinking about them because they have a program and a place to do research. " She pulls out a piece of paper and tells me. "You'd have to interview and everything, but it's only for a month, and I think it could help your work even more." I blink when she tells me.

"Doctor Binkley, this placement is in January. Wouldn't I miss school?" What about tests?"

"We can make sure you get the chance by making all the arrangements you need. You already have a pretty light course load next semester because of the classes you took over the summer." She says this while smiling. "It would just be a chance to learn more about the world and see more firsthand sources."

"I'd leave Brown, though?"

"Only for a short time. Then you'd come back and put what you learned to use." She shrugs. "It would also help you get into a master's program or graduate school." She smiles and winks, and I smile back, happy that she gave me this.

It was great, and if I could do something like that, it would be epic.

"I'm very grateful that you thought of me." I said it. "This makes me happy, and I'll start looking into it."

"I'll put in a good word and give you a great reference, and I'm sure any history professor would do the same." She says nice things, and I want to hug her. We're all adults at Brown, so we don't hug.

"That's so nice of you, I'm really looking forward to this." She nods when I smile.

"Good, I'm glad." She is happy. "Well, I'm sure you're about ready to fall asleep in a nap, Julianna. You've worked hard, so give yourself a pat on the back and let your batteries recharge." She gives me orders, and I nod.

You had me at nap." I chuckle. "Thanks again for everything you've done and all the help you've given."

"You did the work, and I'm glad you have such a strong desire to work and make something so good. Thank you for all your hard work."

"Of course." I give her a smile and a handshake. "I'll check in with you on Thursday."

"Until then." She says it in a nice way, and I wave as I head back toward the door.

On the way home, I call my mom to tell her all the good news. She sounds like she's so happy on the other end that she could almost jump for joy, and I get my energy from hers. She says we'll go out to dinner to celebrate sometime in the next week, and I promise to get back to her in a day.

When I get home, I'm so hungry that I'm ready to tear the kitchen apart to find food. I'm hungry, and there's no way to hide it.

I'm too happy to just stand still or not smile, so I jump around and do a little happy dance in the kitchen.

"I'm a gen-ius! It's good to go! They liked it a lot! I'm so cool!" I dance around and clap my hands while I sing to myself.

Then I hear someone clear their throat, and when I look up, Kent is leaning against the wall by the kitchen. I straighten up right away, stopping my obvious excitement.

"Your presentation went well, right?" He asks, almost as if he can't help but laugh at how I'm acting.

"It was good." I smile, but I'm embarrassed and don't know what to do next. Since Saturday night, I hadn't talked to him. "They told me that they were excited to hear from me again."

"Good." He says this with a smile. "I'm sorry, but I found that dance funny."

"I thought I was alone, because you never come here at this time."

"There was no class in the morning." He shakes his head and clears his throat. "Maybe I stayed because I was hoping to hear something good from you."

We both just kind of stand there, not sure what to do. We had both good and bad words for each other this weekend. Now, we were having a nice conversation, but I guess that's just us.

"Your letter was useful." I tell him the truth, and he smiles and looks relieved. "I had to change my presentation, and I was freaking out until I saw your note on the desk."

You brought it along?" He asks, and I just nod. I didn't mean to, but I was glad I did. It was weird that something he did made me feel so much better when I was so stressed. Most of the time, Kent made me nervous and tense. "Listen, Julia...I'm so sorry about what happened this weekend. I'm sorry about it." He says it quietly, his arms flexing as he crosses them over his strong chest.

My thoughts spin around in a circle, and I blink back in confusion. He didn't say sorry very often. Most of the time, he didn't say sorry until I did. I had no idea he was going to say that. I thought we wouldn't talk about it or I'd have to get my voice ready for another shouting match.

"You-you do?"

"Yeah, I know you had a big presentation, and I know I gave you a lot of trouble." He lets out a sigh and rubs the back of his neck. "You said you'd given me a lot of chances, and you're right, but I haven't used those chances well. I know you say nice things about me when I'm not around, but I haven't been very good at returning your kindness. I'm sorry if I've made things harder.

"Who says I say nice things?" I make fun of him, and he chuckles and tries not to smile.

"Abby." When he answers quietly, I part my lips.

"She can't hide anything, can she?" I grunt and lean back against the kitchen counter. He laughs and shakes his head. "Well, she told me that you and Piper were sleeping together, so I thought it was only fair to clear things up."

"That wasn't necessary, especially after everything else." He gives a shrug. "I'm sorry if I messed up your work or anything else. I never meant to do anything that would throw off your research."

"Kent, I can put complicated things aside to take care of important things." I give back a shrug. "You weren't going to make my presentation a mess. I was responsible for that, and I wasn't going to mess it up. T-to be honest, you're not the problem I've been thinking about since Saturday." I mumble, even if what I say isn't 100% true.

"What, Chase?" When he asks, I sigh and nod.

"I want to hit my head against the wall because he did that." I murmur and run my hand through my hair. "I've worried for a long time that he liked me, but I kept telling myself it was all in my head."

"It seems like you listen to your gut, so why wouldn't you?" When he asks, my eyes almost stick to his green ones. I did always go with my gut, but that same feeling is what got me too close to Kent.

"Recently, it's been giving me mixed messages." When I whisper, I can see the look on his face change. Kent was always good at keeping his feelings in check, but his eyes told me what was going on. They got bigger, and I could feel my heartbeat getting faster.

Now that we were standing at least six or seven feet apart, the air between us was thick, and I couldn't stop wanting to run over to him. I wondered if he'd be happy to pick me up, push me against the wall, and let my legs wrap around his waist if I did. I was curious about how he felt.

"Sweetheart." He says it quietly, and it almost makes my knees shake. "Come over here, please." He says something that is almost a whisper, and I close my lips.

I dropped all my defenses and walked across the kitchen floor to him. I knew it was a bad idea, but I didn't see how something could be wrong if it felt so good. I missed him, too. When he was close, I could feel everything. That was probably the most honest and vulnerable thing he had ever asked of me.

I stop in front of him, and he clears his throat as if trying to hold back many things at once.

"What's going on?" I whisper and look up at him.

"Nothing." He takes a breath, and I nod and run one of my hands up his arm. It starts on the inside of his forearm and goes up to his bicep. He was wearing a T-shirt that showed off his muscles, and I liked being able to touch his skin. I do the same thing on the other side. When both of my hands are on his biceps, he's almost shaking.

"Tell the truth, what's stopping you?" I'm quiet. "Because I understand if it's just an image thing or something with your family, and I even understand if you're just not ready. But I just want to know what you think." He puts his hands on my waist and takes a deep breath.

I quietly gasp and move back a little when his hands land somewhere that feels so right.

"I-I can't." He is quiet. "I'm not ready, and I don't think I will ever be ready."

"You mean what?"

"I'm not there yet, I'm not ready to be with you." He speaks softly. "And I know that's not fair. I know I crossed the line with you on Friday, and I won't do it again. I'm sorry if I lied to you or if I just hurt your feelings in general. I've been a dick."

"It's okay." I whisper as I run my thumbs carefully over his skin. We've talked about this a lot, but this was the first time I felt like he was serious.

"I don't want to get in your way either. If you want to give that guy a chance, don't hold back the other night." Even though it looks like saying that would kill him, he mumbles quietly.

"Are you sure that's okay?" I say it softly.

"Yeah." He shakes his head and clears his throat. "As long as we can still see you and all. I-I'd like to try to be friends with you."

"Okay." I smile and feel happier than I ever thought possible. "How are you doing today?" I tease him, and he laughs. "You don't seem to enjoy my company much, and I know we were pretty hard on each other on Saturday.

"Then let's start over." I agree with what he says. "Start over with everything."

"Okay, I can live with that." He laughs when I smile. Is a hug...too cold?"

"No, if you're giving them away, I'll take one." He makes fun of me, and I laugh. When I lean in to hug him, he squeezes me hard and lifts me a few inches off the ground.

It was so nice that I couldn't even say how much I liked it. It was warm and strong, and it smelled like his cologne. I liked that he gave good hugs, so I put that on my list of things I like about him.

"I'm sorry about everything, too. I know I sometimes push you too hard." When I whisper, he shrugs and won't let me go.

"Remember, a clean slate?" He picks on me, and I nod. "I'm so glad that your presentation went well today." Thank you, Kent. I'm quiet. At some point, I realized that hugs might be a normal thing for friends to do, but when they went on for that long, they weren't normal. But neither he nor I wanted to let go.

All I had to do now was decide if I could try to date someone else or if I would always think about the best things about him.