Chapter 50: Chapter 50

I can't remember anything that happened over the weekend. I stayed in my room all day Sunday to work on my project and make sure it was perfect. I took the day off work on purpose so I could try to concentrate.

I knew I hadn't treated Kent right on Saturday. I was drunk and had been through so much that night that I took it all out on him. I wanted more of the other things back. I liked talking to him about things, and it bothered me that he was so cool to me when I knew he could be different.

Then Chase got into this mess that was driving me crazy. What did I do to make him kiss me like that?

I couldn't sleep last night because my mind was full of worries and thoughts. I didn't know how boys were ruining my life, but they were. Before I left home, I didn't know a single guy who liked me, and that's how I liked it. I had to deal with Kent, Chase, and now Dane. On top of that, I had to give a presentation about my thesis.

I had no choice but to ignore them all until I could finish my schoolwork. Even if I really wanted answers or help, I couldn't handle school and drama at the same time.

I chose to give my talk early on purpose because I just wanted to get it over with. I walk around my room a few more times and look over my notes. Then I start getting ready.

I did my morning routine, did my hair and makeup, and put on an outfit I'd chosen the night before. It was a little boring, but it helped me calm down if I could control parts of my morning routine before something important. I put on black tights and a longer black skirt. I tucked a white dress shirt that fit me well into the skirt. I go to my closet and get my sweater vest. Then I zip up my black leather boots.

I wanted to look mature and professional so that people would take me seriously. I find my long overcoat in my closet and put my laptop, cue cards, USB stick with backups, outlines, and water bottle in a shoulder bag. I open my door and pause for a moment when I see a sticky note stuck to it.

'

Good luck today ~K

This is Kent's work? I thought he was mad at me because we didn't like each other right now and I knew I'd done something to really upset him this weekend. This was kind of him, and it was my favorite time he tried to make peace. I put it in my pocket so I could bring it with me, and as I walked down the hall, I saw Mark in the kitchen.

"Hey Julianna." When he talks, I agree. "Yes, today is the day of your big presentation."

"Yeah, how do I look?" I ask because I really want to know what you think. "Smart?"

"Super smart." He gives me his word by giving me a thumbs-up. "You're going to rock it." He smiles and puts out his hand to give a fist bump.

"Okay, I should get going. I want to be on time and everything." I give him a shrug, and he nods.

"Sure, see you later tonight." He says something, and as I walk out the door, I wave.

I couldn't calm down because I felt sick and couldn't eat, and coffee would only make me more tense. I was nervous. My heart was in my ears, my mouth was dry, and I couldn't stop shaking. I wouldn't stop being upset until it was all over.

But I had to believe my research. I had done the work with my professor, and I had practiced everything a lot. I was interested in how sexism has changed because of how Western culture treats women, not because I was a hard-core feminist but because I found it interesting.

For example, before Europeans came to North America, many Native American communities were run by women. They ran their groups the way they thought was best. Men lined up to try to win their hearts, but in the end, it was up to the woman to decide who she wanted to be with. Divorce was a real possibility, as was dating for a long time before getting married. When Europeans started moving to America, their way of life was seen as the norm.

There are so many more examples, and they are all interesting to look into. I just hope I have a good group of people looking over my work. I worked hard all summer to get to this point, and I couldn't take it if someone didn't like it or agree with me.

I go to one of the small theaters in the back of my building when I get to my building. Most of the time, they were used for seminars and higher-level classes. One was set aside for honors presentations today.

I wait outside and use the time to calm down and practice deep breathing. Julianna, try to stay calm.

I see another student rush out of the theater with a red face and an angry look. I knew him, but I couldn't think of where or what class we were in together.

"Hey." I say it in a nice way, and he puffs.

"You next?" I say yes when he asks. "Good luck, they're making me change a big part of my research, and it'll take me until Christmas just to get back on track." He walks away with a stomp, and I gasp and shake my head.

I didn't want to hear that at all.

When the door opens a few minutes later, I see another professor standing there, and my heart stops.

"Julianna Macey?" He asks, and I say yes. He smiles at me, which makes me feel better. "Please come in." He says and I nod, walking inside.

Five professors from different parts of the history department looked over my work. I was looking at three men and two women, which gave me hope. I thought that my arguments about sexism would probably go over better with the women. I had taken classes with three of them before, but I wasn't close to any of them, which was on purpose by the department. If you get rid of your biases, all you're left with is your research.

Doctor Binkley, who supervised my research, was just sitting in the back of the room to watch. She said she'd come sit with me so I could see a familiar face, but she couldn't talk or do anything but watch. She smiles at me, and I try to calm down by taking a big breath.

"Good morning, Julianna! How are you?" I hear that the man who let me in is back in his seat and holding his clipboard.

"I'm fine, thanks. What about you all?" I ask nicely if I can take out my laptop, and he gives me a smile.

"I'm doing fine." He says, "Every professor I talk to tells me they're doing well."

I open my slides on my laptop and connect it to the HDMI cable. It just comes up, and I nod and get my water and paper out. My hands were starting to shake, I couldn't seem to calm down, and my stomach kept twisting and dipping in horrible ways.

"We'll start whenever you're ready, and once you say so, we'll go over the plan with you." He goes on, and I agree. I take a deep breath and take off my jacket. Before I do that, I take my phone out of the pocket and turn it off so it won't disturb the meeting. But my Kent note, which was stuck to the back, comes out with it. I don't care and just leave my phone on the desk with a piece of paper on it.

"Okay, I'm all set." I say, and I can feel my voice shaking. It wouldn't be a problem once I got going and got used to it. I just had to get there first.

"Good. I'll introduce the panelists. My name is Doctor Carlton, and these are Doctors Sutherland, Maizen, Rutford, and Prisk. We're going to watch your presentation to make sure that your research has academic value and that you seem ready and on the right track. We're not here to scare you or make you feel bad. All we want to do is guide you and help as much as we can." When I agree, he smiles.

"Does that make sense?"

"Of course." When I sigh, he nods.

"All right, let's see what you've got." I take a deep breath when he says it nicely.

"Okay, good morning, my name is Julianna Macey," I say. Everyone nods and opens their notebooks. "I've been doing research on an interesting topic that ties into the sociological side of history, and I'm excited to tell you about it." I say something, and then I press the space bar to move to the next slide in my presentation.

Then I hear the horrible sound of the screen breaking up, and the projector goes black. "Oh....um-"

"It's okay, Julianna, things like that happen. This area doesn't have the best technology." Doctor Carlton says something, and I nod and wipe my sweaty palms on my skirt. "Let's wait a minute and see if it starts up again.

We wait for a few minutes, and fear starts to creep up my spine. This is not at all what I had in mind. I knew they would be interested in my PowerPoint because it was full of pictures and facts. Now I was scared because I hadn't even started my presentation right before it went wrong, and I wanted to cry.

I guess we should call tech support then." He is sad. "I'm sorry, Julianna, that this is taking up your time." He says "yes," and I close my lips.

Then I looked at the kind note Kent had left for me, which was still sitting on the podium. I take a deep breath and get my mind back on track. I'm tough and strong, and this isn't the worst thing that could happen. I can handle this. I had thought about what could go wrong, and I wasn't going to let this glitch mess up my presentation.

"In fact, Dr. Carlton?" I try to keep my voice from shaking as I speak. "I have printed outlines of my presentation in my bag, so there's no need to call anyone."

Oh, I wouldn't want to make you worse off. He says this, and I just shake my head and unplug my computer.

"I don't want to waste time, and my research would be the same with or without technology. I'm sure that no matter how I tell you about it, I'll do it right." I tell him this by turning on the lights and bringing my laptop and paper outlines to the front of the room. "I'll make sure to explain anything that isn't clear very well."

I gave them the papers with some raw data and topics on them. They already had the first part of my submitted data and had all read it in preparation for this. They all raise their eyebrows in surprise, and I let out a tense breath as I move the table in front of the chairs to where they are sitting and open my laptop on it.

"All of you see it? I made the writing pretty big."

"Thanks, Julianna, that's great." I smile back and he smiles. "Please tell me more about your work, I'm interested."

Then it was as if everything came together. I felt like I was back in my room, reading the slides to my walls. I explained things well, kept my voice from shaking from nerves, and kept a level head throughout the whole presentation.

After I was done, they asked me a lot of questions, which I was happy to answer. I had done my homework, and it had helped me in more than one way. Then, when it was over, they gave me some helpful comments, which was what I expected.