Chapter 43: Chapter 43

"No?" I ask with an eyebrow raised. "How you talk to other people is very different from how you talk to me. You make it seem like it's too hard to be around me, like I'm the one who makes things hard between us." I tell him, and he huffs and licks the back of his tooth.

"Kent, what I say is true, and I am who I am. I treat you the way you treat me, but when I first moved in, I worked hard to get along with you. I wanted things to work out because I liked the room. But I never would have moved in here if I had known you would treat me like this."

"How are you?" He says it again in this voice of surprise. "I thought I did a lot of nice things for you, Julianna. Not least of which was last weekend-"

"Oh, get lost!" I yell at him, and he backs away. I've never talked to him like that before. Kent, you can't treat me like a person for one day and then act like you did me a favor by doing so. When you're nice to me, you're not doing "all kinds of nice things for me." You're just doing the bare minimum."

He can't answer that, and I can feel my tears coming. I had never felt this way before in my life, and what he was doing made me feel bad.

"I don't have time for your nonsense right now." I tell him in a firm voice, and he chews the inside of his cheek and nods. "I have a lot going on, and you keep making things worse."

"Juliana, I haven't done anything!" He responds. "I'm trying hard and doing the best I can, okay? I have no idea what this whole fight is about."

"Then I'll make it clear and easy to understand." I tell him with force. "I don't like how you won't admit that anything good has happened between us. I don't like it when you do weird things and try to get closer to me, because it makes me think that we're finally becoming friends or that maybe we could get along. Then, as soon as they're over, you don't think about them again. You act like they never happened and then just ignore me again." I told him what happened, and he raised his eyebrows.

"Are you mad at me because I don't want to hang out with you?" He sounds confused when he asks, and I huff.

"No, and I didn't say that." I remind him, and I can hear my voice getting sharp. "I'm mad that when I see you, I never know what to expect. It's like playing Russian roulette, and I'm tired of getting shot in the head." I explain, and he just stands there and listens. At least, I'm finally getting it. "You want to hang out? That's alright. You want to live with people who get along? That's also fine. But you need to choose, because I'm tired of trying to figure out how you feel about me."

Want to know what I think of you?" He says it quickly, and I can hear my heart beating hard. I'm not sure I can deal with this right now. You make everything impossible:. When he breathes, I wrinkle my brows. What was the point? He was the one who was always so hard to deal with.

"I can't take a shower without being able to smell the soap you use. I can't cook in the kitchen without seeing how you move things around on the counters because you didn't like how they were. I can't even sleep in my own bed without thinking about you curled up next to me in it."

You hate me." I mumble, and tears start to run down my cheeks.

"I think about you all the time." When he answers, my body gets hot, the world around me slows down, and my eyes lock with his, making us both feel like we're in a trance. "Since I met you, I haven't been able to."

"W-what?"

"I don't hate you, Julianna. I can't." He is quiet. "I never have."

"S-so...." I mumble, looking back at him. He's getting red in the face and seems embarrassed by what he just said.

"But it doesn't matter, because I messed it up, as you said." He grunts and shakes his head. "I screwed up everything, and"

"Don't say it's not important." I walk slowly around the bed to make my point. "Kent-

"It isn't that simple." He says it firmly, and I stop in front of him and blink.

"I know I'm not what you need, and I'm not right for you. I can't be with you."

"I'm not sure what I want." I speak in a whisper.

"You just said that you didn't want me to make your life harder." He shakes his head to remind me. He slowly turns around and walks to the door of my bedroom.

"Wait." I mumble something and wrap my hand around his wrist to stop him in his tracks. "Don't do this, and don't try to give me a reason for the past when I didn't even know about it. You're making things worse for yourself and for us."

"Oh don't say 'we'." He begs, looking away.

"So what?" I really want to know. I don't even know what I want out of this. I've told myself dozens of times that I shouldn't bother getting involved with Kent because it can't end well for me. But I can't help wanting to dive into this.

"I can't," she said. He answers. "Because you've told me a hundred times that I make you angry and that I don't care about you or your feelings, I'm going to tell you something."

"I agree with you." I just shrug and sneeze a little. "You do make me mad and drive me fucking crazy, you're not what I'm used to. But for every thing you do that makes me mad, you do something else that makes me happy." I beg him, and he shakes his head and takes a short, uneven breath. "Do you know how long I've been wishing you'd just tell me the truth?"

"You don't have to try to-"

"I'm not trying to do anything." I answer honestly, even though it hurts in my chest. "I'm mad at you, Kent. Why would you do all of that if you didn't feel like it?"

"Are you mad at me?" He asks. "I'm mad at you, Julianna, because you came in here and changed everything. You turned everything on its head. You can't just change the story that quickly."

"You can't either." I answer, and he puffs out his chest. "Kent, that's not fair." I'm so moved by what we've said to each other that a tear is coming out of my eye.

"You aren't treating me fairly." He whispers and moves his hand up to use his thumb to wipe my tears away. I lean into his hand. "Don't look at me like that."

I press my lips together, and he lets out a deep sigh. I knew we couldn't keep going with this because Kent didn't like to talk openly and would rather keep a secret than be honest. Not only that, but we lived together and had the same group of friends.

"I'm leaving, and you and I have to act like nothing has happened." He whispers while letting go of my face. I feel my heart stop and shake my head.

I say, "What?" "How in the world do you think I can?"

"I don't know Julianna, but if something changes between us, I can't live in this apartment." He mutters something, shakes his head, and moves away. I don't think so, because all I did was reach out and grab his T-shirt, not letting him get away.

My actions went against both mine and his better judgment, but as soon as I pulled him back, we both knew it was over. Someone was going to step over a line that couldn't be taken back. He grabs the side of my face and presses his lips hard against mine, pulling me close to his body.

I hadn't kissed anyone in more than three years, and I hadn't been this close to another guy since then. I wasn't used to kissing and didn't know what to do with Kent, who was a really, really good kisser.

He spins me around, and my back hits the door to my bedroom. This speeds up the kiss. As it got worse, I could barely keep up. My head was spinning. He had his hands on my waist and pushed me hard against the door. I wrapped my arms around the back of his neck to try to pull him closer.

He groans into my mouth, and as his tongue licks my bottom lip, asking to get in, I can't think. He was breathing so hard that it looked like he hadn't had oxygen in years. He smelled nice, and when I thought about how he'd been sleeping next to me all afternoon, my stomach did a flip.

"Fuck." He gasps and pulls back, putting his forehead on mine and letting his nose touch mine. He takes one of his hands off my waist and puts it on the door above my head. I can't breathe, I can't calm down, my cheeks feel hot, and it feels like fireworks are going off in my stomach.

"Kent." I whisper, and he groans in pain and completely pulls away. I don't know if I can stand on my own because my knees feel so weak.

"That was a mistake on my part." He lets me go with a whisper, and I blink. What did he mean by that? It was so crazy that he was going to say it wasn't true. I can tell.

I whisper, "Why not?"

"Because Julianna, this can't happen." He mutters. "I'm sorry, but it can't." He says, "Quick!" and I move out of the way as he runs out the door and down the hall. I stand still as I hear the front door open and him leave.

He left. He left after giving me the best kiss I've ever had. I was left with more questions than answers, which made me feel even more empty than when I thought he didn't like me. What do I do now?

I should try to forget him because he made it clear that he would forget me.